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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
MrsBerthaRochester · 17/02/2022 23:24

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lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2022 23:26

People going on dates don't owe the other person fairness, a chance, or anything else. The idea that women 'owe' random men anything is deeply disturbing and the world-view of incels.

People carry on dating other people because it's fun. If it's not fun for them any more, they stop.

cuno · 17/02/2022 23:27

@Strawberry33

It would be unfair to judge him based on this. It could happen to any man unfortunately- our sons, fathers, other halves.. it can and it most certainly does happen.
My heart bleeds more for the vast many more rape victims out there who aren't believed and barely ever get a conviction even if they do report. Could be our daughters, mothers, other halves, actually probably a lot of us on this thread. Hmm

When victims report, they get painted as a liar, jealous, out for revenge, and people take pity with the poor men having their lives ruined over a "false" accusation.

I think it's unfair to buy into this trope that harms and punishes victims. Abusers gain from this "benefit of the doubt", but victims ALWAYS lose out. No-one bangs on so much about people falsely accused of various other crimes. Only so much aggro and sympathy for potential offenders when women are getting raped and abused by men.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2022 23:27

If there had been conclusive evidence that she had falsely accused him, they would have arrested her or taken it to trial

No ... as a PP already mentioned, they sometimes avoid doing this because they don't want to deter women from reporting possibly borderline cases

The same happened with someone I used to know who freely admitted she'd lied about the whole thing; apparently it "didn't matter because so many get away with it so what's one more?" Hmm

saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:27

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ShiroMiso · 17/02/2022 23:28

My ex was arrested for raping me. I dropped the charges a few months later whilst he was on bail because I was too broken to stand up in court. I just wanted it all to go away.

He could easily be using the fact I dropped the charges to reassure other women that he's not a rapist and it was a false allegation.

However he is a rapist and it wasn't a false allegation.

I wouldn't continue to see him OP it's just not worth the risk. Best case scenario you will always be wondering "what if it's true" and the worst case scenario.. well, he could end up hurting you.

I would leave it there. It's early days and you don't need to see him again. Make something up. You're not in the place for a relationship etc. You're moving away.

If it's not true then I feel very sorry for him but even so, it's not worth the risk.

FriedTomatoe · 17/02/2022 23:30

@TracyMosby

Women need to stop playing these stupid games if tgey did it would be better for all us and safer. So, rape is the fault of women?
The only stupid games women play are blaming each other for the fact most men think with their dicks.

OP, unless children are involved or you are at risk of harm, the police are unlikely to tell you anything. If this is his only transgression you'll be left none the wiser. As someone that has been through this, I think there are 2 factors to consider:-

  1. Children you have: ultimately if he is a rapist and you take him on what example is that setting your children?
  2. Yourself: You talk about your gut feeling. Gut feelings can be useful but you need to look at the evidence in front of you.

It's ultimately up to you but if you do decide to give it a go then take things really slowly.

Egghead68 · 17/02/2022 23:31

I wouldn’t risk it. How could you ever feel comfortable around him?

MrsBerthaRochester · 17/02/2022 23:32

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saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:33

My heart bleeds more for the vast many more rape victims out there who aren't believed and barely ever get a conviction even if they do report. Could be our daughters, mothers, other halves, actually probably a lot of us on this thread.

Would you honestly not care if your brother or son was falsely accused? Because many many women aren't believed, makes no difference to one individual whose life could be ruined for ever. It's possible surely to be agonised for both a daughter who was raped AND a son who's been falsely accused?

As I said way back, I knew a woman who was shamelessly open about telling us that she had accused an ex boyfriend of rape, as revenge. It happens, and for that person it's devastating.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:34

It's possible surely to be agonised for both a daughter who was raped AND a son who's been falsely accused?

Two be clear, that's a hypothetical involving two separate incidents. No incest, for the record.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 23:35

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saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:36

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cuno · 17/02/2022 23:37

@saraclara

They deserve to be listened to, just as women who've been raped do.

Victims, mainly girls and women, aren't believed or listened to, partly because people like you twist themselves in knots and bend over backwards to believe the "falsely accused". All rapists claim they're falsely accused ffs!

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 23:37

@saraclara

It's possible surely to be agonised for both a daughter who was raped AND a son who's been falsely accused?

Two be clear, that's a hypothetical involving two separate incidents. No incest, for the record.

That would be a parent failure really, spoiling a male child to a unrealistic adult expectation of a partner and also in this scenario not setting boundaries of how you treat the opposite as gender in a sexual manner.
seaniboy · 17/02/2022 23:38

Or same sex^

MrsBerthaRochester · 17/02/2022 23:41

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cuno · 17/02/2022 23:41

@saraclara

My heart bleeds more for the vast many more rape victims out there who aren't believed and barely ever get a conviction even if they do report. Could be our daughters, mothers, other halves, actually probably a lot of us on this thread.

Would you honestly not care if your brother or son was falsely accused? Because many many women aren't believed, makes no difference to one individual whose life could be ruined for ever. It's possible surely to be agonised for both a daughter who was raped AND a son who's been falsely accused?

As I said way back, I knew a woman who was shamelessly open about telling us that she had accused an ex boyfriend of rape, as revenge. It happens, and for that person it's devastating.

Why bring emotions and biases into it by making it about "your son and daughter", you really want me to trip up don't you? I don't have sons, but luckily for me I'd never actually rush to believe a male relative claiming he has been falsely accused. Too many men claiming they have been falsely accused, and too many women claiming they have been raped. But we DO know women are being raped, assaulted and abused in vast numbers. If my partner was accused of rape tomorrow I'd leave with my daughter because I priority our safety. Not what you wanted to hear, is it?
TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 17/02/2022 23:41

Well he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't isnt he? Either way he had to tell you....... Hell theres a case going on right now where a girls facing multiple fake rape claims and perverting the course of justice. It was extremely difficult to get the case to court as the victim is quite rightly believed. One of the boys she accused was remanded in custody when the police finally realised she was sending abusive messages to herself which is what started the whole investigation. She's so twisted she had further charges added when she was trying to manipulate evidence from behind bars. She has a 10 week trial to face and I hope they throw every book at her.

Its up to you what you do, nobody should say you owe anyone a relationship but if I was in your situation and liked him id give him the benefit of the doubt, someone who's been falsely accused of rape has already had their life destroyed once, it shouldn't mean they should be tarnished forever more.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:41

So, @ seaniboy, in the case of the woman I knew who admitted that she falsely accused her ex boyfriend of rape, it's all the fault of the guy's parents?

I'm sorry but I really can't get my head round that one.

cuno · 17/02/2022 23:43

@seaniboy
Do you think men rape because their parents instilled unrealistic expectations of partners in them? 😵

MrsBerthaRochester · 17/02/2022 23:45

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AlternativelyWired · 17/02/2022 23:45

@seaniboy it's sex, not gender.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:46

Why bring emotions and biases into it by making it about "your son and daughter", you really want me to trip up don't you?

No, I'm saying that because in all the talk about relative numbers, a lot of people are losing sight of the fact that we're talking about real people. Both male and female victims are individuals, not featureless members of a herd. A life ruined, either by rape or by a false accusation of it, is no more or less ruined because of the numbers of others in a similar position.

RedScarfJamjar · 17/02/2022 23:46

My friend went through this, they both stupidly got drunk at a party and she cheated on her partner with him. She had him accused of rape when she had to come clean to her partner. She then retracted the accusation but the CPS treated her as a hostile witness and it went to trial. It was awful and he came very close to doing himself harm by the end of it.

He was found not guilty. But it ruined his life, where there's smoke and all that.