Annoyed with my OH who never bothers testing DSC

[ShiroMiso]

A few months after I'd just got out of hospital with my baby we were exposed to covid because OH nor his ex bothered to test DSC after DSC1 was identified as a close contact. DSC1 was eventually tested at my behest and was positive but luckily we managed to evade getting it. The other DSC remained negative too.

I was quite cross with OH and his ex about it, understandably I think, but all was fine in the end.

I told OH from then onwards if any of DSC had covid symptoms or are identified as a close contact he must test them before they come in. He agreed. I said I would be adopting the same rule with our DC, so if ours had any covid symptoms or were a close contact I would test them before exposing DSC as it's only fair.

Fast forward to now DSC have just arrived and 2 of the 3 have a hacking cough, the only one who isn't ill is the one who tested positive for covid at the end of last year.

The first I know about it is when they come in and within 5 minutes one is coughing and says he's been "seriously" unwell since Monday.

OH claims it's the first he's heard about it

Now I know many people aren't bothered about covid anymore and the rules are set to change etc but it's something that still bothers me as I am vulnerable and the vaccines don't offer complete protection.

We don't have any tests left over so will now need to get some for my peace of mind.

AIBU to be upset with OH?

OP ex and I have a child. I went on to have more children with my partner and so did he with hsu partner. His children primary and nursery age. Mine primary and under 2.
We don't always get on. But both families have been vigilant with testing. I owe it to thier family and they owe it to us.
Its horrible to test children but it's keeps the vulnerable in both our families safe.
By testing we can make informed choices. It doesn't mean contact is definitively cancelled it may just be altered slightly to the norm.
So as the mum of a stepchild I understand how you feel Op.

And why won’t you answer the question. Ask your OH to move out so he can have full agency re the SC. He will want his kids to see your joint child. So joint child goes off to spend time. Joint child catches cold. What would you do?

The children are weaponised IMO, because they wouldn't care if they missed one dinner at dads house for the sake of keeping a baby sibling healthy. that's the thing. My DSC are so easy going about it and understand. They are more adult than their mum!

@Popable

When people have the flu, is it not a good idea to steer clear of it where possible and not spread it around unnecessarily?

A lot of people are torn on this subject, it seems to go either way. Some people think SC should still come round with the black death. You live with your elderly mother / gran who's going through cancer treatment? Fuck them, the kids can come whenever they like because ITS THEIR HOME. Almost seems like it's just to prove some point.

Others seem a bit more reasonable about it.

We all had a sickness and diarrhea bug last year. Step children were with us at the time when they started with it and we kept them here. We didn't just send them back to Mum to infect her household as well "just because". Literally WHY would we do that? And their Mum was more than happy with that obviously as she managed to avoid vomitting / shitting her own guts up like we all were it's perfectly reasonable imo for ill children (not talking a simple runny nose) to stay put sometimes.

Thank you for being a humorous voice of reason among the crazy, your post made me smile.

Some of these people would gladly send their kids with Ebola if it meant sticking to schedule or sticking a finger up to the SP.

I wish DSC mother was like you when the kids have D&V, instead she sent them here with it and mine inevitably got it resulting in DS shitting on my brand new and pretty expensive rug.

I was fucked off about that already and then not long after they came here with covid because she couldn't be arsed to test them for a virus she doesn't believe in after being told they need to isolate as a close contact.

I really liked that rug now it just serves as a reminder that I tied myself to idiots.

@sassbott

And why won’t you answer the question. Ask your OH to move out so he can have full agency re the SC. He will want his kids to see your joint child. So joint child goes off to spend time. Joint child catches cold. What would you do?

I did answer your question in my last reply and I also answered a previous post where I was asked why I don't LTB now.

To summarise:

1. He needs to find somewhere else to live. You can't do that with the click of a finger. It's not that simple in the real world.

2. My youngest is not yet 4 months old. Why would I deprive myself of the practical support when I already know he's not going to be somebody who does 50/50?

@Popable

When people have the flu, is it not a good idea to steer clear of it where possible and not spread it around unnecessarily?

A lot of people are torn on this subject, it seems to go either way. Some people think SC should still come round with the black death. You live with your elderly mother / gran who's going through cancer treatment? Fuck them, the kids can come whenever they like because ITS THEIR HOME. Almost seems like it's just to prove some point.

Others seem a bit more reasonable about it.

We all had a sickness and diarrhea bug last year. Step children were with us at the time when they started with it and we kept them here. We didn't just send them back to Mum to infect her household as well "just because". Literally WHY would we do that? And their Mum was more than happy with that obviously as she managed to avoid vomitting / shitting her own guts up like we all were it's perfectly reasonable imo for ill children (not talking a simple runny nose) to stay put sometimes.

A lot of people are torn on this subject, it seems to go either way. Some people think SC should still come round with the black death. You live with your elderly mother / gran who's going through cancer treatment? Fuck them, the kids can come whenever they like because ITS THEIR HOME. Almost seems like it's just to prove some point. this is how it feels to me. Like in order to proove the point screw whoever else might be impacted.

One of the few benefits of having two homes is that you don't have to risk infecting both your parents. It's not in the kids interest to spread D&V or covid

That’s not the question I asked (third time is a charm) I asked assume he moves out (because let’s face it based on your posts this isn’t looking promising). Your joint child goes for contact and gets a cold whilst with him. Would you refuse to let your child return home until said child was well?

@sassbott

That’s not the question I asked (third time is a charm) I asked assume he moves out (because let’s face it based on your posts this isn’t looking promising). Your joint child goes for contact and gets a cold whilst with him. Would you refuse to let your child return home until said child was well?

Do we know it's a cold? Ie. Has the DH bothered testing?

You’re not the OP. I’m asking the OP.

@sassbott

That’s not the question I asked (third time is a charm) I asked assume he moves out (because let’s face it based on your posts this isn’t looking promising). Your joint child goes for contact and gets a cold whilst with him. Would you refuse to let your child return home until said child was well?

Apologies.

When people are rude or sarcastic to me it doesn't tend to hold my attention too well.

I don't foresee that being a problem because I already know for a fact that when we do part ways he isn't going to be doing anything remotely close to shared care.

Knowing him, hell have them for a few hours of an afternoon so there won't be an opportunity for them to develop a cold in his care that I don't already know about.

HTH.

@sassbott

You’re not the OP. I’m asking the OP.

HOW DARE I SPEAK

No it doesn’t and you know it doesn’t. I don’t think any of my posts are rude or sarcastic. They’re direct. But you don’t like that and that’s on you.

You lack of ability to answer the question directly (repeatedly) gives me the answer. You wouldn’t dream of refusing your child entry into your home. Regardless of how unwell they were.

I hope your OH moves out and stands on his own two feet.

@sassbott

No it doesn’t and you know it doesn’t. I don’t think any of my posts are rude or sarcastic. They’re direct. But you don’t like that and that’s on you.

You lack of ability to answer the question directly (repeatedly) gives me the answer. You wouldn’t dream of refusing your child entry into your home. Regardless of how unwell they were.

I hope your OH moves out and stands on his own two feet.

Why doesn't that answer your question? Those are the facts of the matter.

He isn't going to be having them for any extended period of time, just like he doesn't have his other DC for any extended period of time.

I too hope he moves out and stands on his own two feet. Cheers to that.

I will say though, in the unlikely event he does bother to have the kids on his own for a weekend (for example) I wouldn't be forcing them to go when they're ill the way he and his ex have today.

DSS told him very clearly today that he didn't want to come, and as soon as he walked in the door told me how crap he felt.

If my DC are ill and want to stay at home that's what they'll be doing. I won't be pushing them out the door for the sake of keeping to a schedule or sticking it to their future SM.

I’m out. You still haven’t answered the question I asked but answer the question you wish to answer. It’s clear that you think you have superiority (at every level) here. Financially since it’s your house. Better parent since your current partner is a shit one and hardly bothers with his children. Better mother since you wouldn’t push your children out they door the way these childrens mother has.

Interesting. 😂😂😂

@sassbott

I’m out. You still haven’t answered the question I asked but answer the question you wish to answer. It’s clear that you think you have superiority (at every level) here. Financially since it’s your house. Better parent since your current partner is a shit one and hardly bothers with his children. Better mother since you wouldn’t push your children out they door the way these childrens mother has.

Interesting. 😂😂😂

Have a great evening! ✌🏼

@Penvelopey good luck if you’re in England - you’re going to need it with your attitude. Get your tin hat out!

@ShiroMiso honestly if I were your DH I’d be considering my marriage to you given your open hostility to his children

@sassbott

Actually i've read back the posts and can see why you think I was being evasive.

Even though it's entirely hypothetical as I said it's unlikely he'd have them for any extended period of time which I stand by, in the event that they were with him overnight and came down with something that seemed like covid I wouldn't tell him to keep them there. No.

I would be prepared to take the risk it may pose to me for the sake of looking after them, because they take priority over me and it would be best for them to be here with me.

In that scenario it would be only me I'm posing a risk to, as I'm going on the assumption that he'd have all of our DC together therefore they'd all have been exposed, as opposed to him having just the one of them and baby being at home with me, for example.

In case of DSC, it's not just me it's posing a risk to (even though I'll admit I wouldn't be happy putting myself in the firing line either when it's not my DC that need caring for) it's also my DC.

As parents we are naturally predisposed to putting our own DC first.

I can see that puts OH in a difficult position because DSC are his children, but given the stage of our relationship and the underlying issues I will admit I'm not prepared to put their wants/needs above that of my own DC.

All that being said, I would have been prepared to take my DC to my DM's today had I been given prior notice and a heads up because I'm not actively trying to be spiteful.

[quote damelarue]@Penvelopey good luck if you’re in England - you’re going to need it with your attitude. Get your tin hat out!

@ShiroMiso honestly if I were your DH I’d be considering my marriage to you given your open hostility to his children[/quote]
I'm not hostile towards his children, I've been nothing but kind to them. Any upset is directed towards OH.

Also - were not married. My choice.

This section of MN seems to be a really tough place for anything Covid related. Honestly people will analyse every little unrelated to your original post thing and use it to tear you apart.

YANBU in terms of asking your step kids to get tested if they got obvious symptoms. Bloody hell it seems to me some parents were just asleep for the past 2 years of pandemic. Yes we all want it to be over but just test your coughing his lungs out child before sending him to school next morning. How hard can this possibly be??? I daily encounter parents complaining that their child was sick with coughs and fever over the weekend yet openly saying 'why would we test them for Covid if it looks just like any other cold'. Most Covid symptoms do actually look like a cold. I just don't understand that.
What I think should have happened is your partner should have grabbed a test kit from the chemist on the way to yours. He could have tested the symptomatic kids and if positive you could have gone to your mums. Lfd tests picked up Covid in my kids in literally 1 min. People here seem to try and turn you into some cruel woman for expecting their mum to swab their nose. But if you got a young baby in the house these are normal precautions to take. Would the ex have sent them to your house and straight to the little one with visible chicken pox rash as well? .

I mean unless there is some deeper issue for example that the kids are not consistently spending enough time with their dad and it affects for example their mother's work , life etc and its just one of many situations. I don't know if it is what it is and you got a relatively good relationship I don't see why she couldn't do a test I mean isn't she herself concerned that the kids might be a bit unwell.

yawwwn

What I think should have happened is your partner should have grabbed a test kit from the chemist on the way to yours. He could have tested the symptomatic kids and if positive you could have gone to your mums. Lfd tests picked up Covid in my kids in literally 1 min. People here seem to try and turn you into some cruel woman for expecting their mum to swab their nose. But if you got a young baby in the house these are normal precautions to take.

Thank you, my thoughts exactly.

Whilst I've come to expect nothing less than total covid ignorance from his ex due her stupid anti vax crap, I expected alot more from him given the worry we were put through last time and the stress it caused.

We had a solid agreement that they'd be tested next time they were due to come if they had symptoms and he completely disregarded that. I told him very clearly that unless he was able to see proof of a negative test from his ex, he was to do the tests himself.

I asked why the first I heard about the illness was from DSC himself in amongst coughing fits and OH said he took his ex at face value when she told him today that they'd been fine since Monday.

He is the problem here and whilst she has shown herself to be an idiot, he's the one that owes us the consideration and he's the one I'm mad at.

OP - why bother to post when although 90% of answers say YABU you just argue. So you're not actually interested in whether others think YABU you just want to be right?!

You're being completely over the top. And I say that as someone who is CEV. You sound as though you expect the world to revolve around you and your PFB and screw your DSC.

Some people just want to argue with you because you are a step parent. Your oh is a numpty and his ex is worse. It shouldn't be too much to ask for them to test if they have symptoms given there is a baby in the house. My eldest hates being tested but when her dad tested positive we all tested and sure enough we all had it. The kids and I were asymptomatic but my 4 month old baby had a cough and was drinking half her feeds. Thankfully her symptoms didn't last long but dehydration is a serious concern with young babies. My dh was triple jabbed and he was quite ill with it. That's the thing with covid variants, until you get it you just don't know how you will respond.

It's the lack of consideration that would annoy me, so no yanbu.