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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mother smells of alcohol

575 replies

Curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 16:27

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

OP posts:
LG123 · 17/02/2022 18:19

@BellatrixOnABadDay I'm not going to argue with anyone, I've clearly missed some posts and was just giving some potential explanations.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 17/02/2022 18:19

OP you are being entirely reasonable and your reaction is normal.

No it's not normal to smell of stale alcohol, and from your history you're unlikely to be misinterpreting the smell.

In your position I would have a discreet chat with the school safeguarding lead. You don't initially need to name names. Seek their advice. They can advise what if anything can be done to support this lady and her child.

Sadly I am not surprised at the amount of people saying they'd do nothing. Also as a child of an alcoholic and parents with serious issues, I remember from my childhood all the adults who knew about the problems and did sweet FA about it. Also I remember the good ones.

The onus is not on you to fix the problem, it's not your responsibility. Doesn't mean you should do nothing, but please refer your concerns on to someone who can support and guide this lady if possible.

Thanks
Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:20

For the last time, she does NOT work in a bar or near alcohol. I don’t want to go into further details as clearly this could be quite identifying but her job has nothing whatsoever to do with alcohol. I would have mentioned this in the OP but it didn’t occur to me.

OP posts:
Rollonspring1111 · 17/02/2022 18:22

If she is approachable (from how you describe her it doesn't sound like she is hostile at all), then maybe have a quiet word with her and ask if everything is OK as you notice she seems a bit low recently (don't mention the alcohol at this point).
That way you may gage her reaction, and she may open up to you.
I would do that before reporting her to anyone else.
If you still have concerns after chatting to her, then yes, speak to the safeguarding lead.

Blackberrybunnet · 17/02/2022 18:22

Go into school (don't email - don't put anything in writing). Ask to speak to either HT or Child Protection Officer. Tell them what you think. It's then out of your hands and you don't need to worry about it. They will only act if they have any concerns. Better safe than sorry.

Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:22

@UserThenLotsOfNumbers

I am sorry that you experienced the same. I do think perhaps if someone had reported my mother then the school chatting to her or similar might have helped her realise the extent of the problem!

OP posts:
Abraxan · 17/02/2022 18:23

[quote LG123]@PurpleDaisies I'm just saying there are other circumstances whereby you can smell of booze. Does the mum work in a pub or bar? I must have missed the part where her occupation has been mentioned![/quote]
The op does state in one of their posts that they know the person and knows their occupation, and that it isn't in a bar or similar.

alexdgr8 · 17/02/2022 18:23

i say, i hope it wasn't any of you on here, the child.
20 years ago almost, popham rd, new north rd.

Dutch1e · 17/02/2022 18:26

I've had social services called on me. It went nowhere as it was based on a misunderstanding but honestly, despite the hassle and feeling a bit defensive, there was a part of me that felt quite glad that someone had acted on a possibility rather than minding their own business.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/02/2022 18:26

If you're really a friend report it. The school will know what to do, if there's nothing wrong then all is ok, if there is something going on, they can signpost her to help and the kids will then be ok. If you leave it maybe the kids won't be ok, maybe they will be looking after themselves while she's drunk in the evening.

favouritecardigan · 17/02/2022 18:26

Why would you not speak to her directly? All these suggestions of going to the school 'experts' behind her back. Some teachers have vastly overblown ideas about their remit. Some teachers also have alcohol problems.

Blue4YOU · 17/02/2022 18:27

Have any of you ever had a safeguarding report made about you?
Ever had a safeguarding “chat”?

MissCordeliaPreston · 17/02/2022 18:30

I know that drinkers can be defensive (am a daughter of alcoholics and have had brushes with it myself) but I would give her a chance to talk about it. You consider her a friend, and a friend would say something first, before letting the school know.

Go for coffee, and say that you don't know if she realises, but she often smells of alcohol, people are noticing and you are worried about her. She might tell you to fuck off, but she might take it on board. This might be a temporary thing. It might not be.

I would then keep an eye on her and have an off the record chat to the school if you are still concerned. The school should take it from there.

Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:30

Why would you not speak to her directly?

Because I suspect she has a drinking problem. And people with drinking problems react poorly to this sort of thing. I have tried to talk to my own mother many times. I think it’s more helpful if a professional raises it with her/keeps an eye out.

Realistically it would go down like a shit sandwich and make my life extremely awkward on top of that/not change anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:31

@Blue4YOU

No, why?

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:31

@MissCordeliaPreston

Cross post. I just don’t see that going well at all

OP posts:
Tethersend01 · 17/02/2022 18:32

Dependent drinkers will mot necessarily appear or even feel intoxicated even when they have had a lot to drink.
They will still be impaired though.
To be honest, you will be doing her and the family a favour by flagging it.

glitterelf · 17/02/2022 18:32

@PurpleDaisies

I wonder if any of the posters who are saying not to report have anything to do with safeguarding? I really hope not.
They definitely don't surely. I wonder whether those in the don't say anything camp would be happy if this was a teacher looking after their child or a nurse / doctor looking after their loved one who was apparently wreaking of drink from the night before would have the same stance as to say nothing.
verytired42 · 17/02/2022 18:32

Just coming on to say absolutely speak to the safeguarding lead. If you’re not sure you might find it helpful to discuss with this organisation nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-concerned-others-professionals/
They have a helpline.

Crystalvas · 17/02/2022 18:35

Does she work ina bar?

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 18:35

@favouritecardigan

Why would you not speak to her directly? All these suggestions of going to the school 'experts' behind her back. Some teachers have vastly overblown ideas about their remit. Some teachers also have alcohol problems.
Whether teachers have alcohol problems or not is totally irrelevant.

I would speak to the experts because that is what all my safeguarding training tells me to do.

Snugglepumpkin · 17/02/2022 18:35

Could she by any chance work in a pub or similar?

Many years ago I worked in a pub & when I stopped working there I had to throw away the shoes & some of the clothes I used to wear to work because nothing could get the alcohol stink out of them.

I didn't realise quite how overpowering it was until I had stopped working there so I could have gone out a few times smelling like I'd drunk a lot but I didn't drink alcohol at all.

Zilla1 · 17/02/2022 18:37

HNRTT but presumably the OP is talking about the distinctive smell of metabolised significantly excess alcohol rather than external, spilt, stale drinks. If the OP is the child of alcoholics then they'll know the smell of excess drink that isn't hidden with mints or fragrance.

PurpleDaisies · 17/02/2022 18:37

By the way, teachers do know their remit. It’s keeping the children in their care safe which means reporting concerns. It’s totally wrong to suggest this isn’t part of their job.

Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:39

Does she work ina bar?

Cancel the cheque

OP posts:
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