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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mother smells of alcohol

575 replies

Curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 16:27

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:39

@Zilla1

Thank you for
Understanding

OP posts:
BellatrixOnABadDay · 17/02/2022 18:40

@PurpleDaisies

By the way, teachers do know their remit. It’s keeping the children in their care safe which means reporting concerns. It’s totally wrong to suggest this isn’t part of their job.
And I always think what a distressing part of the job it must be. Very very difficult, to have children in your care who's safety you are worried about.
s1h2o3na · 17/02/2022 18:41

@Blue4YOU

Have any of you ever had a safeguarding report made about you? Ever had a safeguarding “chat”?
yes to both questions !!!...and totally support anyone who makes a safeguarding report if based on genuine concern. Mine was related to PND ,not a nice position to be in but neither is the realisation that you could potentially be causing harm to your own child. Addiction is an illness that requires treatment. We have to get away from the idea that safeguarding services are implicitly negative, we need more services that help parents and children when that support is required.
Shuffletime · 17/02/2022 18:44

All those asking 'does she work in a bar' or similar, apart from not bothering to RTFT, do you not realise that it doesn't actually matter if she did work in a bar? OP has a possible concern, it's not up to OP to investigate, it's up to OP to report and the DSL at school to investigate/monitor/do what needs to be done. If the smell was due to bar work then the DSL would clear it all up with a quick phone call, no harm done.

NinaDefoe · 17/02/2022 18:45

@Curiousaboutthoughts

100-% alcohol - I know it very well.

Come on I’m not going to email the school. I just want to know if this is ok or not really as I said I am very biased re drinking so not sure how unreasonable my strong reaction is

I would have the same reaction as you. I can smell alcohol a mile off and have known quite a few alcoholics in my life so I am hypersensitive and my judgement can be biased too.

If I was you I would just remember what you have seen so far and if you suspect that she is drinking in the day before pickup or drop off, speak up. A stale smell in the morning could well be from the night before.

mam0918 · 17/02/2022 18:45

you don't have to drink to smell of alcohol (if it goes in your body only your breath would really smell), she could work in a bar/club where spillages happen or clean with alcohol.

There was a mother at DS school who constantly bragged about drinking a bottle of prosecco or two a night when the kids are in bed, she also proudly talked about her kids being drunken accidents she didn't wan't - despite that, they were lovely and seemingly well physically looked after kids so nothing you can do about a personal clash of morals.

Blue4YOU · 17/02/2022 18:45

@curiousaboutthoughts
Because it usually isn’t just a friendly chat.
And the person being accused is not always believed.
I mentioned upthread that I’ve been on the receiving end of a safeguarding for alcohol abuse by a hospital.
It was made with numerous false claims to ss. For instance claiming I’d refused HV input (I’d pursued it relentlessly but my HV was on long term sick absence), wouldn’t engage with SS and had not tried to get SS involvement for my seriously disabled DD (I had and actually had a social worker who’d done the assessment and noted the cleanliness of house, how well cared for and happy my DD was etc).
I didn’t have an alcohol problem.
What had happened was I had a mental breakdown when the hospital refused to accept that I had been sexually assaulted by one of their paediatric consultants. They made the referral.
I’ve since had a letter of apology for that referral from the hospital including lots of garbage about safeguarding concerns.
The blatant lies those “safeguarding officers” - who never even attempted to speak to me - is unbelievable. If I hadn’t received written proof of it, I’d consider myself to be a liar.
Now, that’s not to say if there are genuine causes for concern if a parent of a child is suspected to be neglecting or abusing their child, and that includes alcohol abuse.
It does not include alcohol consumption, merely in its own.
I’d hope those jumping on the “you know best because your parent was sn alcoholic” posters bear the above in mind.
I can never get those false details erased from SS records - even though there was absolutely no cause for them.
It’s not just stressful. It can cause long term damage.
The sensible thing is not always just to “clear one’s conscience”.

NinaDefoe · 17/02/2022 18:45

If I were you 😳

Lasagnaface · 17/02/2022 18:46

@PurpleDaisies

I would drop an email to the school safeguarding person saying you’ve noticed this and you’re a bit concerned. They are in the best position to decide whether/how to proceed.
This is what you should do.
Dumbledoressister · 17/02/2022 18:46

Someone I love very much smelt of stale alcohol/alcohol for about 3 years and I never pieced it together until they told me they were addicted to alcohol and then it was just so obvious. Anyway I guess my point is, she may well have an alcohol problem which is very sad but I'm not sure there's much you can do about it.

collieresponder88 · 17/02/2022 18:46

Just leave the poor woman alone for god sake

KindChick · 17/02/2022 18:46

I know you have experience of alcoholism, I would just say though to be extremely careful. Normally alcoholics are extremely aware and cover it up very well. In my workplace once a lovely lady was taken aside as staff had become concerned - very similar re smell of stale alcohol. It wasn’t that at all though.

Zilla1 · 17/02/2022 18:47

OP, no need to thank. I presume some PPs may have smelt this in a lift or a supermarket queue but not realised what it was. I can see why a PP mentioned diabetic ketosis but I think it's distinctive. It must have been hard for you and I've no firm advice. I suppose if you have the time, a chat over a coffee without bringing up drink might be a way of seeing the lay of the land.

Good luck.

favouritecardigan · 17/02/2022 18:48

@PurpleDaisies

By the way, teachers do know their remit. It’s keeping the children in their care safe which means reporting concerns. It’s totally wrong to suggest this isn’t part of their job.
If that's directed at me, I didn't say they don't know, I said they have an overblown idea of what it is. As a teacher I would've expected you to know the difference between the two concepts.

Teachers having alcohol problems are not irrelevant. Like reporting a criminal to a 'bent' copper.

amitoooldforthisshit · 17/02/2022 18:48

@PurpleDaisies

I would drop an email to the school safeguarding person saying you’ve noticed this and you’re a bit concerned. They are in the best position to decide whether/how to proceed.
This
buddylicious · 17/02/2022 18:48

@Shuffletime

After all the child abuse reports in the news recently, all the threads on MN telling posters to report, I can't believe all the posters on here saying to ignore! Safeguarding is EVERYONE'S responsibility. Not your place to investigate, but absolutely 100% without a shadow of a doubt your duty to report. Doesn't have to be anything scary, just an email to the school Safeguarding lead like pp mentioned.

💯 agree!

I'm actually shocked by people who think you should do nothing.

Posters aren't saying you should be going to the police, but simply informing the safeguarding lead in school and asking them to keep an eye on it!

Surely we all have a duty of care to look out for kids who could be in a vulnerable situation.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 17/02/2022 18:49

I would also tell the school. It might form part of a bigger picture for them. It isn't grassing anyone up, it is acting in the best interests of the kids.

StillWeRise · 17/02/2022 18:49

It’s not everyone’s obligation to safeguard vulnerable people or children- sadly.

It absolutely IS everyone's obligation
This doesn't men everyone has to form a judgement, all they have to do is pass on their concern to an appropriate person (in this case the school, in other more urgent situations it might be the police)

How many bloody times will we see a child harmed and discover lots of people were a bit worried but no one thoght it was their job to do anything

DoolittlePixie · 17/02/2022 18:51

YES absolutely report it to the school - this is a Safeguarding issue. As the Designated Safeguarding Officer at my school I would want to know if this was one of our parents. You have no idea what else the school knows about this family, and as we always say in our training, you don't know if you're holding a piece of the puzzle that fits it all together.
You keep saying she is nice and lovely - well, they often are. Parents we have concerns with come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, income levels etc. There is not one type. Please, for the sake of her child, report it.

MissCordeliaPreston · 17/02/2022 18:51

[quote curiousaboutthoughts]@MissCordeliaPreston

Cross post. I just don’t see that going well at all[/quote]
OK @curiousaboutthoughts that's fair enough - you know her better than us randoms on the internet.

I would therefore have an off the record chat with a staff member you trust and let them take it from there.

I only suggested talking to her as once, someone talked to me, and yes I was defensive at the time but it changed my life, and the lives of people around me. I didn't stink of booze on a school run but someone picked up that I was drinking too much and, being the daughter of alcoholics, I realised that if they had picked up on it I had gone too far (because so many people don't - I remember so many school friends or other people in my life telling me I was untruthful when talking about my parents' drinking).

That said I would be wary of getting it escalated too much and too quickly - sometimes intervention doesn't help as much as it could (again, basing this on childhood experiences).

Shuffletime · 17/02/2022 18:52

But @blue4you it will be much more stressful and cause more long term damage for those children growing up with an alcoholic. This isn't a malicious report. The OP is very aware of what she smells.

Sorry for your experience but it has no bearing on this particular situation.

A580Hojas · 17/02/2022 18:52

I'm not really sure what you're asking here OP. If you say to the Mum "I've noticed the smell of alcohol on you during the day, are you an alcoholic?" what do you think she's going to say?

Chasingaftermidnight · 17/02/2022 18:54

As the child of an alcoholic I would say something to the school safeguarding lead. I wish any of the countless adults who knew about my parent’s alcohol problem had.

And I know EXACTLY the smell you’re describing. It’s unmistakeable. Still makes me feel sick 25 years later.

Original poster
curiousaboutthoughts · 17/02/2022 18:54

@MissCordeliaPreston

That person who spoke to you was far braver and better than I am. If I were braver I would chat to her directly but I just think the chance it will end poorly is too high.

OP posts:
Shuffletime · 17/02/2022 18:54

@favouritecardigan if you know a teacher with an alcohol problem, especially if it means they are hungover or smell of alcohol at work then you should also report to the safeguarding lead too.