School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

If something happens to those children you would have played a role in that by turning a blind eye

No.

@Curiousaboutthoughts You were perfectly clear in your posts.

I'm really shocked by some of the replies on here. This is a safeguarding concern. There are children involved. Maybe with support the mother can be a better parent (I'm not saying she's a shit parent). I wouldn't want my dc brought up by an alcoholic parent and nor would most of you. Reporting your concerns to the safeguarding team is the right thing to do. All you do is state the facts and it's then over to the school (and other agencies if they think that's needed). The teacher won't necessarily have smelt it as in a lot of schools you still are very rarely allowed in.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

@UniversalAunt

Thank you - I really appreciate your long post with regards to my own mental health and experiences. It was very kind and well thought out. Much appreciated.

Also to the person who pointed out that I wouldn’t hesitate saying something if it were a childminder instead of a parent. This is absolutely true and a very worthwhile comment.

@GADDay

bullshit - like trying to say the OP knows the biological scent of alchohol abuse.

It's not bullshit, it's science.

The number of people who think the OP should “have a word” or “try and support” another school mum is quite staggering.

Inexperienced and unqualified people barrelling in to “help” is very rarely a good idea. This isn’t the OP’s best mate that she knows well.

It’s saddening, and scary, that the whole “none of my business” train of thought is still as prevalent as it was when I was a child.

Could mum just have a few drinks and it not be an issue? Yes.

Could it be something that’s escalating and the family need help? Yes.

Could it be something the school are already aware of? Yes.

Should the OP assume that it’s all good and if help is needed then it’s happening? Absolutely not.

Bad home situations have massively increased since covid and lockdown. We all know that. It’s oft mentioned on here. So why so much minimising in this instance?

Please talk to the school. The children have NO CHOICE to live in this. It's not fair on them.

So many weird questions asking OP if she is sure it’s alcohol! I meant come on people?!? OP is a grown woman and I’m sure she knows what she is talking about ! We all know the smell of stale alcohol on the hangover days come on! Also just becouse someone is a mother that means they can’t drink? Of course they can, there is nothing better than a glass of wine at the end of a hard day. Now the problem here is that this woman stinks of alcohol often to the point where it is noticeable by others. I understand you OP, I don’t know what id do… if she is a good mother and doesn’t drive than I wouldn’t report her.. i think I would maybe mention it to her although easier said than done..it’s a hard situation to be in …

@justlyra
Agree completely. Very shocking.
And to be fair, you don't even need to be "experienced" or "qualified", just to have some common sense and to spare a thought for the children. Unbelievable how many posters would put the mum first! And how many are happy to assume either that a) someone else has already noticed and reported; or b) there's no cause for concern in the first place as the mum isn't driving or seen walking out of a pub.

I reported similar to the school to the head in person, I waited until I saw her. She was a bit taken back and didn't say much,I don't really know what they will do about it. I feel I have tried and not sure what else I can do other than report to social services which is a bigger leap than the school offering support. It's very tricky.

Also whilst we are very aware of thing these days it must have to be extreme to get social services involved. Will they offer support? If the kids are , ok a parenting course won't work. The parent needs AA. So I personally think a candid comment might be better. Like jeez have you been hammering the booze big time, you stink ! You must still be drunk ! ( but not in a high five way)!

OP I was abused as a child physically and I dreamed of being taken away and saved. But we also lived within viewing distance of a childrens home and the kids not having parents made me very sad, so I don't know what is the best situation, because there are many flaws with care and even foster parents. My cousins ended up in care and their lives haven't worked out well.

Ive been on MN years and I really think this is one of the most shocking things Ive read, not the op but the posters sticking up for a woman reeking of stale alcohol on the school run.

So I personally think a candid comment might be better. Like jeez have you been hammering the booze big time, you stink ! You must still be drunk ! ( but not in a high five way)!

And if all that does is encourage the parent to hide it better? Who is looking out for the child then?

OP I was abused as a child physically and I dreamed of being taken away and saved. But we also lived within viewing distance of a childrens home and the kids not having parents made me very sad, so I don't know what is the best situation, because there are many flaws with care and even foster parents. My cousins ended up in care and their lives haven't worked out well.

I'm so sorry for what you went through growing up.

But it's a bit of a stretch to start thinking about the care system in this situation. The OP doesn't know exactly what's going on at all and that is the point of safeguarding- it is to get people involved who can establish the safety of the children involved and hopefully get some support for this woman if it's needed.

OP reporting to the school is not going to mean the kids automatically end up in care.

And I agree with @ZeroFuchsGiven - the number of posters making excuses for someone reeking of alcohol at school pick-up is shocking.

First para should have been bold!

As others have said, the complacency of some posters, the 'don't rock the boat' attitudes are shocking.
Whilst the children may appear to be well looked after, scratch the surface and there are problems.
Definitely one for school safeguarding lead.

I think OP is extrapolating her own childhood experience into this.
She was in bed? How often? Once she said this. I myself jump back into bed with a cup of tea at every opportunity.
She doesn't drive kids to school. Kids are happy, neat, on time.

How many times exactly have you smelt this smell on her? What frequency? In the morning, 3 times, over the last qtr?

Do you what you see fit. Sounds like you intend to report to school. If you are right, Your'll feel ok, having done the right thing.

If you are wrong, SS get involved, I'd never talk to you again, and many other playground mums might not either. And you are only in reception, so 6 years is a long time.

If you are wrong, SS get involved, I'd never talk to you again, and many other playground mums might not either

How would she possibly know it’s me?

Oh come on. Of course it's anonymous. But you don't need to be Poirot.

I don’t think it would be obvious at all, to be honest. She has 3 children in different years - any number of parents/teachers could have picked up on it.

I'm sorry, but I cannot believe the defence of someone who thinks it's appropriate to turn up to pick up their kids reeking of alcohol. Absolutely ridiculous. If you think it's ok to stink of booze first thing in the morning/middle of the day, when you have children in your care, expect people to notice and wonder about the safety of your children.

If there's a reasonable explanation for it- works in a pub/diabetes etc- you would literally have nothing to worry about if the school/SS got in touch. And if you had a reasonable explanation- why would you be offended? I'd just be glad that others were thinking of the welfare of my kids.

My friend is probably a functioning alcoholic. She drinks at least a bottle a night. The next day you could smell it on her even though she had showered. She never drank during the day. I think it's in their sweat.

@ukborn
Does she have children

@Oblomov22

I think OP is extrapolating her own childhood experience into this. She was in bed? How often? Once she said this. I myself jump back into bed with a cup of tea at every opportunity. She doesn't drive kids to school. Kids are happy, neat, on time.

How many times exactly have you smelt this smell on her? What frequency? In the morning, 3 times, over the last qtr?

Do you what you see fit. Sounds like you intend to report to school. If you are right, Your'll feel ok, having done the right thing.

If you are wrong, SS get involved, I'd never talk to you again, and many other playground mums might not either. And you are only in reception, so 6 years is a long time.

And if she’s not wrong, does nothing and something awful happens then the OP will have to live with that…

That’s a risk worth taking to protect children.

I've had two particular relationships with low level alcoholics, and had a female schoolyard friend who was a full blown one.

I was fobbed off at first by the mum friend, who said she used hardcore Listerine because she smokes. She also would describe what it was like having an alcoholic mother growing up.

Things weren't adding up and other people were telling me (a rather naive and easily duped autistic) that she was obviously an alcoholic, the smell was vodka.

I'm not writing the test of the details but suffice to say, me and two other schoolyard mums discovered the hidden bottles, the carnage in her home, and that she was regularly abandoning her very young kids to walk to different off-licences when they were still sleeping.

We spoke to the school and social services. Kids were temporarily fostered while she got the help she needed. I feel sick that I hadn't realised sooner.