School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

@UniversalAunt

‘ You can smell of drink after one drink.’

OP is describing the smell of heavy drinkers.
The of smell of metabolic by-products of habitual alcohol consumption, not the whiff on the breath after a single social drink.

And yet you’re telling the op to go naval gazing and be a better friend instead of reporting her concerns to an appropriate safeguarding officer.

@PurpleDaisies, please read the rest of my post.
It is rare that I rebut another poster’s comments.

I deliberately spoke of a pause for a breathing space - for a bit of self care for the OP - so that she may approach the school or agency - which is the right thing to do - as a centered adult.

There is no mention about or suggestion of not sharing information.
You have inferred much from very little.

[quote UniversalAunt]@PurpleDaisies, please read the rest of my post.
It is rare that I rebut another poster’s comments.

I deliberately spoke of a pause for a breathing space - for a bit of self care for the OP - so that she may approach the school or agency - which is the right thing to do - as a centered adult.

There is no mention about or suggestion of not sharing information.
You have inferred much from very little.[/quote]
I read your whole post.

You didn’t answer my question about where you learned that with safeguarding concerns, the best thing to do is to think about your own experiences, discuss your concerns with a support group, invite your friend round for a play date and then possibly refer your concerns on if you think it’s best.

You refer your concerns immediately to an appropriate person. That’s it.

Oh dear, @PurpleDaisies take a pause to reflect upon the dilemma is not navel gazing.

I have not told OP to do anything. She is an adult who can decide for herself what to do. She has posted here to canvass opinion & hear from a variety of people with a variety of life experiences.

I have not advocated that OP be a better friend - maybe you picked that phrase up from another post?

How is encouraging OP to take care of herself a distraction or negation of making contact with the safeguarding lead at the school?

@UniversalAunt

Oh dear, *@PurpleDaisies* take a pause to reflect upon the dilemma is not navel gazing.

I have not told OP to do anything. She is an adult who can decide for herself what to do. She has posted here to canvass opinion & hear from a variety of people with a variety of life experiences.

I have not advocated that OP be a better friend - maybe you picked that phrase up from another post?

How is encouraging OP to take care of herself a distraction or negation of making contact with the safeguarding lead at the school?

Except it is. You don’t need to “center yourself as an adult” or “pause and reflect” to drop an email to the school or to call the NSPCC. All of that can be done after. For all the people crying sexism or saying the OP needs to be 100% that is total BS. What we know from investigating every single social work failure is that many, many people held pieces of the puzzle that could have prevented harm but because they weren’t shared the whole picture didn’t come until it was too late. Quite frankly there are children involved and they quite possibly can’t wait for her to spend time doing all that. If there isn’t a safeguarding issue then it will be dismissed and no harm done but if there is then time matters.

And you still didn’t answer my question about safeguarding.

You were about pausing and fixing your own oxygen mask before trying to help others. Do you honestly think that encouraging the op to find a support group to talk to centre herself so she can report her concerns in a better frame of mind won’t lead to any delays in those worries getting passed on?

You talked of inviting the children round as a “decisive course of action not a fudgey compromise”, implying that was an alternative to reporting concerns.

Maybe you expressed yourself badly. Perhaps you would like to clarify that the op should report her concerns at the earliest possible opportunity.

@Stressedout1009

Wouldn't the teachers have also noticed?

This. We had a mother at our school who was constantly reported due to this, the school already knew and she's now had the children removed. (She was given so many chances, and they were returned a few times).

Cross posted with you Peonies.

Wouldn't the teachers have also noticed?

This. We had a mother at our school who was constantly reported due to this, the school already knew and she's now had the children removed. (She was given so many chances, and they were returned a few times).

Assuming someone else has already reported or is dealing with safeguarding concerns is a massive no no. This is how children fall through the cracks.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the first or the tenth person to report. You should still send that email or pick up the phone.

The teacher might have noticed but you can’t know that.

@PurpleDaisies

Wouldn't the teachers have also noticed?

This. We had a mother at our school who was constantly reported due to this, the school already knew and she's now had the children removed. (She was given so many chances, and they were returned a few times).

Assuming someone else has already reported or is dealing with safeguarding concerns is a massive no no. This is how children fall through the cracks.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the first or the tenth person to report. You should still send that email or pick up the phone.

The teacher might have noticed but you can’t know that.

The school already had an ongoing case by the time it was reported. It was dealt with well (in my opinion). I can't say too much, but the mum had chances and didn't take them up. Multiple social workers were involved. In my opinion ss don't take kids easy and will try to help! The case still makes me sad, but I hope the children are doing better now.

@SleepWalkingDoorSlammer That does sound like a really sad situation.

I just wanted to make sure that nobody took from your post that it wasn’t worth reporting because a teacher would have noticed. That’s been suggested further up the thread. Hope that’s ok!

[quote PurpleDaisies]@SleepWalkingDoorSlammer That does sound like a really sad situation.

I just wanted to make sure that nobody took from your post that it wasn’t worth reporting because a teacher would have noticed. That’s been suggested further up the thread. Hope that’s ok![/quote]
No it's fine ( I know you're good as we spoke a lot under a different user name) I was just trying to point out that if you report and don't hear, it doesn't mean the school are doing nothing.

@PurpleDaisies

Yes, really. I’m a teacher. When I’ve had concerns about parents I’ve discussed them with the safeguarding person. That’s a totally appropriate thing to do. You don’t think a parent stinking of alcohol on the school run is concerning?

You're completely right, more so to see how other parents and the school can support this parent if there is actually a problem. When I was younger we had a parent in my little sisters class who constantly stunk of it and had gained alot of weight, when confronted it turned out she was completely overwhelmed by having 2 disabled daughters and being low income and had severe depression. With school support she got on the mend and now all three of her daughters are in their late teens/ 20's doing very well and the parent in question manages a local shop x

@BellatrixOnABadDay

GADday's post is really unpleasant tbh- numerous posters on this thread have relayed their experiences of what it was like to have alcoholic parents. Stop trying to minimise the severity of a parent regularly smelling of stale alcohol- that's not seen as a social norm is it? To turn up smelling like a pub when you're collecting your kids from school? Therefore suggests that someone doing that may have a drinking problem. Massive alarm bells there for what might be going on behind the scenes.

If you had rtft you would see that I AM the child of an alcoholic parent.

I was abused as a child, and suffered greatly at the hands of alchohol. My posts are not unpleasant. Maybe they make you uncomfortable though because I am a voice of reason.

I do not think smelling of alchohol (the op has not responded to my point about the children are) and the NSPCC seems to concur that risk factor is generally more than JUST ONE thing.

You should consider other opinions. Sometimes they might have merit ffs!

This is middle class mumsnet at it's finest. Most of you have NO fucking clue what you are wittering on about.

You have NO idea what the reality is and moreover what the reality of those children is. Guesswork, judgement, bullshit - like trying to say the OP knows the biological scent of alchohol abuse.

Reporting a mother who may be struggling with a drink problem in the absence of any other concerns is just reprehensible. Like I said upthread - try to do the human and decent thing by actually talking to her.

Oh wait - its much easier to feel like a white knight telling anonymous tales. God forbid actually doing something real - like talking to the mum, because it makes you feel uncomfortable or worried she won't be happy.

Cowards way out.

And on that note, I will get my coat. Hopefully you will all live lives unaffected by any serious problems and that are never on the receiving end of the awful, judgemental attitudes on this thread.

It's the easiest thing in the world to be a keyboard warrior. Just don't fool yourselves into thinking you are doing it because you care - you are tattling to make yourselves feel superior and that is not nice.

@PurpleDaisies. You are absolutely right. Safeguarding is something we should all be responsible for. Children’s welfare has to be the top priority, nothing to do with class. Many people's lives could have been better if others hadn’t ignored what was right in front of them. Too much projection in this thread as always

I'm actually shocked at how many people think that you shouldn't report this! Loads of people saying if she doesn't appear drunk that she must only have had a glass or two. This is completely incorrect! My dad was a functioning alcoholic. He rarely if ever appeared drunk due to his tolerance for alcohol and he would drink huge amounts. He has recently passed away due to liver failure. This must be reported. In my view it is completely inappropriate to be picking up young children from school reeking of alcohol. If there is no issue then nothing will come of it but that's no ones decision to make other than a qualified professional.

@Blue4YOU

i repeat what I already said- anyone ever report a man you know to have children drinking?

Are you even reading the thread? Someone has explained that they have, indeed, reported a father for drinking. Please don’t ask questions if you aren’t looking to read the answers

People who’ve had an alcoholic parent will be somewhat biased I would imagine

Well, yes. I’ve said this several times on here and it’s part of why I wanted some advice, because of my bias.

Do any of you never drink once you have children?

I personally barely ever drink - a glass at Christmas etc. Lots of people in this country do. I know lots of the other school mothers do but I’ve never; ever smelled alcohol on them.

If someone says they are in bed when called - maybe they just don’t want to meet a judgmental school mum who pretends to be a friend but actually is not a friend at all because otherwise they’d actually know if there WAS an alcohol problem etc rather than speculating to the internet on how best she can alleviate her triggers

This is absurd. And rude. This isn’t someone I’ve known for 10 years who I can have a deep and meaningful chat with or know with any depth. My daughter and her son are in reception together. I’ve just met her in September. I like her a lot and consider her a friend and we do lunch sometimes etc but that doesn’t mean I should just turn a blind eye to what could be a problematic situation. I’ve repeatedly said on here her children are great and she seems a great mother. I’m not here to judge - I’m here for advice. YOU are the one judging.

And Op feel free to drip feed some more

This is unfair. I’ve tried to post in a less revealing way and have been forced to reveal more than planned due to repeated questions.

@GADDay

the op has not responded to my point about the children are

I have responded to this point.

I am really pleased to have had some sensible advice on here from people with safeguarding experience eg @PurpleDaisies - I was concerned personally and had not initially considered reporting because I did not want to “tattle” or get her into trouble etc but I do actually think the school knowing (if they don’t already) is obviously just a helpful thing. As people have said - if it’s not a problem, no harm done.

It’s really, really not that easy to talk to someone who is an alcoholic. Perhaps if I hadn’t repeatedly tried and failed with my own mother I would be less scared of doing this. But in my experience it won’t get any results whatsoever and will just piss her off.

@GADDay

This is middle class mumsnet at it's finest. Most of you have NO fucking clue what you are wittering on about.

You have NO idea what the reality is and moreover what the reality of those children is. Guesswork, judgement, bullshit - like trying to say the OP knows the biological scent of alchohol abuse.

Reporting a mother who may be struggling with a drink problem in the absence of any other concerns is just reprehensible. Like I said upthread - try to do the human and decent thing by actually talking to her.

Oh wait - its much easier to feel like a white knight telling anonymous tales. God forbid actually doing something real - like talking to the mum, because it makes you feel uncomfortable or worried she won't be happy.

Cowards way out.

So the child protection social workers and teachers have no fucking clue what they’re wittering on about?

Sure.

Children are vulnerable because if somebody from the outside doesn't help them, nobody will.
Parent is grown up with all the power in their hands and children have none.
I was abused as a child. Everybody knew it, nobody did anything.
Mother might need help, but her kids need it more.
In cases like this, I would do everything in my power to help children in question.

Really confused by many of the replies. Of course you should report it to school. It's safeguarding, you have no idea how this may be impacting on the children and it's not your responsibility to guess but it is your responsibility to report a concern. If something happens to those children you would have played a role in that by turning a blind eye. Schools are trained to manage safeguarding appropriately, they will likely do a welfare check and only take things further if there is reason to do so. Why doesn't it occur to people that the parent smelling of alcohol may benefit from support. Services are there to help, they are not the enemy.

Also I wish I had been clearer about the alcohol smell - I assumed everyone would know what I mean. I mean when someone literally reeks of stale alcohol because it’s pouring out of their pores! It’s very, very unusual for someone to smell like that. I am not talking about alcohol on the breath or hand sanitiser - I mean someone sweating out alcohol from the night before.

As I said, there is a drinking culture at the school. Lots of mothers discuss having wine at home. I have never, ever smelled it on them. Just my friend.

I do think the smell of booze clings to some people more than others.

Tbh a lot of people parents or otherwise drink a bottle of wine a night, it’s not healthy but is it causing their children harm? There’s no clear cut answer.

I think in your position id mention it highly confidentiality to the safeguarding lead at the school (combined with the still in bed late in day, so drunk couldn’t look after herself at event etc). But then leave it be. Don’t try and be a vigilante.