School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

@BSideBaby

I think if you know her and like her, just have a gentle chat with her before you escalate

Isn't it strange how it's largely socially acceptable to be in charge of a child while drunk, as long as the drinker is a parent? Imagine what would happen if a childminder did this.

There’s no evidence that she’s drunk. There’s been no mention of her behaviour. You can smell of drink after one drink.

There is NOTHING here that suggests smelling of alchohol is a safeguarding issue.

Smelling of what @GADDay?

You're right, alcohol isn't mentioned specifically but surely you realise its use/abuse will almost definitely effect the provision of effective care?

There’s no evidence that she’s drunk. There’s been no mention of her behaviour. You can smell of drink after one drink.

@Blossomtoes, so you wouldn't be concerned if the woman in question was a childminder, as long as they didn't appear drunk? I very much doubt it somehow.

It's so easy to spot the MN lushes isn't it?

@Curiousaboutthoughts - you're doing the right thing by flagging it to the safeguarding lead. They might be in possession of other facts you don't know that can either add to the picture or dismiss it.

@PurpleDaisies

Yes, really. I’m a teacher. When I’ve had concerns about parents I’ve discussed them with the safeguarding person. That’s a totally appropriate thing to do. You don’t think a parent stinking of alcohol on the school run is concerning?

I agree if you've come onto Mumsnet your concerned enough to do that so speak to safeguarding she might really need some help And think of her children

You don’t have ‘that smell’ after one drink, but tbh any day drinking before you pick a child up from school is fairly unusual and not ever really a good sign

But if it is only one drink, and there’s no alcohol problem, then great. Safeguarding doesn’t work on the assumption of everything being completely fine, instead of thinking ‘what if I’m wrong?’ The question should be ‘what if I’m right?’

If the kids seem ok and there is another adult at home, I'm not sure I'd report before keeping an eye on the situation for a bit longer.
She's probably having a very hard time and using alcohol to cope. The shame if being reported could backfire. Maybe it wouldn't, and she would get genuine help.
I find it interesting how instead of suggesting helping, many people are very willing to fuck things up even more for mothers who are struggling and not performing perfectly on the surface.

I've had to have a quiet word with the teacher about a parents drinking before. I was aware that she had a problem and that her child had not long been returned to her. I assumed the school knew so mentioned it to the teacher.
In the OP's case if it was a recurring thing then I would speak to school

It’s easy to see how my parents got away with their habits for so long with some of the attitudes on this thread.

Glad to see you’ve decided to speak to the safeguarding lead @curiousaboutthoughts

It’s absolutely the right thing to do - too many kids end up in shit situations because people are too concerned about not being seen as nosy

@Toloveandtowork

If the kids seem ok and there is another adult at home, I'm not sure I'd report before keeping an eye on the situation for a bit longer. She's probably having a very hard time and using alcohol to cope. The shame if being reported could backfire. Maybe it wouldn't, and she would get genuine help. I find it interesting how instead of suggesting helping, many people are very willing to fuck things up even more for mothers who are struggling and not performing perfectly on the surface.

Reporting concerns to a safeguarding team isn’t ‘fucking things up for a struggling mother’. The safeguarding team are actually better placed and in a position to offer and direct parents towards genuine help and support. It’s not their job to judge, it’s their job to safeguard the children who are living the reality of their parents struggles, and who are unable to help themselves.

What does staying in bed have to do with anything if someone else is responsible for getting the kids to school on those days? Sometimes I go straight back to bed after the school run, not because I've been drinking. I just like sleep! Must be a terrible mother.

You are projecting...... very dangerous....

@FromEden

What does staying in bed have to do with anything if someone else is responsible for getting the kids to school on those days? Sometimes I go straight back to bed after the school run, not because I've been drinking. I just like sleep! Must be a terrible mother.

Another one completely missing the point. It's all the little things that build a picture of what could be happening at home. It might not be, but if this mum is regularly like this, regularly getting extremely drunk and not able to get out of bed, then what is life like for the poor kids.

It could be nothing. But it's worth reporting just in case.

@FromEden

What does staying in bed have to do with anything if someone else is responsible for getting the kids to school on those days? Sometimes I go straight back to bed after the school run, not because I've been drinking. I just like sleep! Must be a terrible mother.

Do you also regularly noticeably smell of alcohol?

Because if you don’t then it’s not remotely the same situation….

Something about this post sits uneasy with me.

You could ask her before you report her to school? If you are really concerned.

Also how do you know the school isn’t already aware and she/kids/family aren’t already being supported?

OP I would talk to the school safe guarding lead. Drop an anon email if you must. But please raise it.

I'm really shocked at the people on here saying is a nasty thing to raise it with the school or being patronising about OP reporting it. SAFE GUARDING IS EVRYONES RESPONSIBLITY. Its people not mentioning things that leads to children in abusive situations being missed. I'd rather have a load of reports that pan out to be nothing than have someone doubt themselves about raising a concern. Turning a blind eye is societies worst trait in modern times.

@PurpleDaisies

I would drop an email to the school safeguarding person saying you’ve noticed this and you’re a bit concerned. They are in the best position to decide whether/how to proceed.

Yes - best way to go

First, make sure she's not plastering herself in hand sanitiser to prevent catching germs from the other mums 🤣

Can't believe all the people saying "oh it could be perfume" etc. The OP knows what she can smell and it is definitely not like any perfume. Also - not at all likely that a teacher will have noticed it, since Covid we don't get within 50 feet of teachers at our school. Also as OP will be unfortunately aware, alcoholics are very capable of functioning and not appearing drunk even when they are well over the limit and definitely should not be looking after children. OP, this is not normal, you're not unreasonable to be concerned, and I do feel that you need to do something, presumably talk to safeguarding lead as talking to the alcoholic herself will do bugger all good and may even make things worse.

Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility- except it isn’t,
I repeat what I already said- anyone ever report a man you know to have children drinking?
Being hungover?
Not taking their kids to school?
MAYBE this woman has an issue with alcohol.
Maybe not.
People who’ve had an alcoholic parent will be somewhat biased I would imagine.
Do any of you never drink once you have children?
And your partners?
It’s not fair to lump this on a woman none of us knows anything about, beyond speculation.
I’ve said to the Op go ahead and report it.
But to suggest that saying not to report is somehow dismissing neglect or abuse are huge leaps of logic based on absolutely nothing.
If someone says they are in bed when called - maybe they just don’t want to meet a judgmental school mum who pretends to be a friend but actually is not a friend at all because otherwise they’d actually know if there WAS an alcohol problem etc rather than speculating to the internet on how best she can alleviate her triggers.
Because it sounds a lot like that.
And Op feel free to drip feed some more..

Also how do you know the school isn’t already aware and she/kids/family aren’t already being supported?

The op doesn’t need to know that. What difference would it actually make if the op reported and the friend was already being supported?

There is a huge, HUGE amount of minimizing of drinking problems going on on this thread. It's quite shocking.

@curiousaboutthoughts it’s a knotty one. Like many children of alcoholics you carry the imprint of that experience into adulthood & with that may come an exquisite form of hypervigilence to other people’s drinking behaviours & indeed even the smell of stale alcohol being sweated out. You have an early warning pissed-dar system.

Your friend has blipped up on that screen, this has affected you by taking you back to earlier experiences including the divided loyalties about coping with an alcoholic parent(s). So you now have the current dilemma about on the one hand being loyal to your friend who you really like, who has not directly hurt your feelings - unlike how your parents did at times - & on the other hand doing the right thing about raising your concern about your friend & her children’s wellbeing.

How do you act without betraying her trust &/or colluding with her drinking?

Tough one as you cannot know the consequences of sharing your concerns with the school or any other agency. I suggest that you pause a short while before you do that, not to duck the issue, but to give your self a bit of breathing space.

The important thing is to take care of your self first, the oxygen mask on the plane, by acknowledging your feelings as that adult child. You may find it helpful to join an Al-Anon family group meeting or contact National Adult Children of Alcoholics.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

nacoa.org.uk/

Maybe talk this through so that you are centred as your adult self rather than the child you were then. As you say, you cannot directly tackle your friend as this may be counter productive. But if you share your dilemma with people who understand you may find taking the difficult step of talking to the school easier to manage.

You spoke of the isolation you felt as a child, & understandably you may be projecting that onto her children. Perhaps taking a positive supportive approach by inviting her kids round for tea after school, maybe a half term day out with your kids allows you to offer them some quiet undemanding everyday fun & support. You can be the kind adult family friend now that you needed back then. This is a decisive course of action, not a fudgey compromise.

If you do this, maybe invite your friend too. If she comes along or not, do not offer any booze (somehow I think that you don’t anyway). If she is compelled to drink, then she takes responsibility for that. But it is OK to invite just the kids for hassle-free play dates.

Tough one as you cannot know the consequences of sharing your concerns with the school or any other agency. I suggest that you pause a short while before you do that, not to duck the issue, but to give your self a bit of breathing space.

What about the potential consequences of not sharing the information? Have you EVER had any safeguarding training?

‘ You can smell of drink after one drink.’

OP is describing the smell of heavy drinkers.
The of smell of metabolic by-products of habitual alcohol consumption, not the whiff on the breath after a single social drink.