School mother smells of alcohol

[Curiousaboutthoughts]

NC for this as my usual account is pretty revealing. There’s a mother at school - I really like her, she’s fun and her children are great. However, several times I have now noticed that she absolutely STINKS of stale alcohol during the school run. I guess I just want to know peoples thoughts about this. I can’t really do anything and I’m not trying to be judgemental (honest!) but it’s hard to connect the part of me which really likes her to the part of me that finds this off-putting. My parents are both alcoholics so I am biased though.

Could be hand sanitiser

How often is often OP?

That's the right decision OP. I'd speak to the school safeguarding lead and they'll be responsible going forward. As you know by the sound of it, being a child of a parent with substance misuse issues can lead to lifelong damage and protecting children from harm is everyone's responsibility.

OP I feel you're hypersensitive to this situation due to your background.

You mention she "lays in bed" while other family members drop the kids to school - how is it you know this?

I think the kindest thing to do would be speak to her yourself. Invite her to go for a coffee with you or somewhere else you can talk in private. Try to be non judgemental . She might well tell you to MYOB in which case all you can do is back off. Equally she may be glad to unload on you. Whatever , keep an eye on her kids demeanour , hygiene, neatness and if you are concerned about them then contact the schools head of pastoral care

I’m begging you to contact the school.
It is definitely hard but you must do this, it is the only option.
Every community has a duty to work together to keep our children safe and this can be about gathering pieces of a puzzle. A mother won’t lose her children due to dabbling in alcohol, there are too many kids in a far worse position than this… but a family can be supported better if they need it.
Write down what you need to say. Focus on fact not opinion. Recall any dates. Call office and ask for a safeguarding teacher to contact you. Explain how awkward it is and how hard you find this phone call. Say your piece, answer any questions, say if you don’t know. Again, fact not opinion.
Reward your call with tea and chocolate?
Good luck and don’t put it off.

You've made the right decision @curiousaboutthoughts, and it's very brave of you. I work in this area and appreciate how hard it is for people to do this

Ffs yes I am sure she doesn’t work in a bar she has become a friend I know what her job is and that she doesn’t have diabetes and that she enjoys a drink.

If this was a friend of mine the first thing I would do is speak to her and the second would be emailing or phoning local children's services.

I do not agree with telling the school, just call the local MASH team and let them deal with it.

i remember believing someone smelt strongly of alcohol - until i realised he had just used the hand sanitiser

Anyone that has lived with an alcoholic knows exactly what smell you are talking about... trust yourself here!!

if she is married then as long as there is a responsible adult that will be ok, i believe is the thinking.

Not rtft but I'm.shocked at everyone agast at following the standard safeguarding line. For info, it's not a choice if you work with kids. Its non negotiable. You follow it or you dont work with kids. Picking and choosing what you do according to your own morality isnt a option..it doesnt work like that. Thank God.

The DSL isnt constantly on the phone to socail services either. But unless your the DSL it's not your choice to make. You report up.

You mention she "lays in bed" while other family members drop the kids to school - how is it you know this?

Because she says so? Me “do you want to meet for lunch?” Her “no, I’m still in bed”. Etc.

Her sons look clean and well cared for and appear happy etc, but I think it’s better to just flag it gently in case. So someone else is keeping an eye. If it comes up somehow I will try to mention it naturally eg the next time I notice it I could try to joke a bit and ask if she had a big night so she’s aware it can be smelled on her.

@Monstermissy36

Yes! I am very surprised at people thinking it can be confused with hand sanitiser
or perfume etc but it’s probably a case of “if you know, you know!”

@Monstermissy36

Anyone that has lived with an alcoholic knows exactly what smell you are talking about... trust yourself here!!

I agree with this. It's not a hand sanitizer smell it's very distinct.

Might be because of a few heavy nights. I can literally smell the alcohol coming out in my sweat the next day. You always know when someone's got recently drunk because their breath could knock you over.

Is it anyone else's business though? I feel by reporting her, it's just going to pile on top of her current worries (she is probably using alcohol as a crutch) and it's not actually going to help her at all by someone ''saying something''. She will know she has a problem.

If I really liked her as a person and potential friend, I would stick with the friendship with a view to helping her change her routine ie if she is an afternoon drinker, get her out and doing something with you.

Go for walks and the kids can ride their bikes sort of thing.

Help her break the daily trend. One or two days a week at a time. Without her knowing you are taking her out of the same same situation she is in every time.

That is what I would do as a good, caring friend. Not go and tell someone else about it.

Speaking to the safe guarding officer in school us 100% the right thing to do, always if you have any concerns no matter how slight.

You're not reporting her as an alcoholic, or saying she's a danger to her kids, you're just saying "hey I've noticed this and I'm a little uncomfortable with not raising it with anyone, can I leave it with you".

Safeguarding leads are highly trained in dealing with stuff like this, do it.

Thanks everyone for your input, much appreciated!

Lets consider the situation in tandem with NSPCC advice

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Safeguarding children and child protection
All organisations that work with or come into contact with children should have safeguarding policies and procedures to ensure that every child, regardless of their age, disability, gender reassignment, race, religion or belief, sex, or sexual orientation, has a right to equal protection from harm.

Setting up and following good safeguarding policies and procedures means children are safe from adults and other children who might pose a risk. This includes voluntary and community organisations, faith groups, private sector providers, as well as schools, hospitals and sports clubs.

What is safeguarding?
Safeguarding is the action that is taken to promote the welfare of children and protect them from harm.

Safeguarding means:

protecting children from abuse and maltreatment
preventing harm to children’s health or development
ensuring children grow up with the provision of safe and effective care
taking action to enable all children and young people to have the best outcomes.
Child protection is part of the safeguarding process. It focuses on protecting individual children identified as suffering or likely to suffer significant harm. This includes child protection procedures which detail how to respond to concerns about a child.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/safeguarding-examples-issues-concerns#article-top

There is NOTHING here that suggests smelling of alchohol is a safeguarding issue.

Happy to stand corrected though.

"Ensuring children grow up with safe and effective care"

Care isn't going to be effective if you're half cut is it?

In the safeguarding children in education document there's also a phase about "providing an environment for the best possible outcomes" or something like that. Again, regularly drinking too much isn't the best environment to produce the best outcomes.

It's her behaviour and ability to look after her DC that's the important thing here. The rest has nothing to do with anyone

GADday's post is really unpleasant tbh- numerous posters on this thread have relayed their experiences of what it was like to have alcoholic parents. Stop trying to minimise the severity of a parent regularly smelling of stale alcohol- that's not seen as a social norm is it? To turn up smelling like a pub when you're collecting your kids from school? Therefore suggests that someone doing that may have a drinking problem. Massive alarm bells there for what might be going on behind the scenes.

@PurpleDaisies is right and anyone who thinks OP would be a ‘busybody’ to report this to safeguarding doesn’t actually understand safeguarding.

The safeguarding lead wouldn’t necessarily ‘do’ anything, and yes drinking is legal, however it’s the schools’ duty to protect children. Knowing information like this helps them understand a bit of what is going on for that child at home. Little bits of information like this can be like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that help you see a bigger picture. The safeguarding team may also be able to offer support and help to the family if there is an issue of alcohol abuse. Reporting to safeguarding won’t put a black mark against their name or have the child removed from the parent, it won’t even necessarily be referred to SS.

I think if you know her and like her, just have a gentle chat with her before you escalate

Isn't it strange how it's largely socially acceptable to be in charge of a child while drunk, as long as the drinker is a parent? Imagine what would happen if a childminder did this.