To not give two figs about housework?

[Tartankilt]

Is it just me who finds MN a bit obsessive about this topic? I’ve opened another thread about a husband going part time and he is expected to do housework. I started a thread yesterday about dropping DD off at nursery and started being quizzed about housework.

I get that if it’s an 80/20 split it’s a pain in the arse but is it just me who thinks too much angst? Our house regularly looks like someone has ransacked it though so I might not be the best person to ask!

I think you're being disingenuous OP.

IME there's two types of housework thread on MN. The first is the hyper competitive wash the towels every day, change the sheets every hour, scrub the skirting boards twice a day threads. Which I don't get.

But the other is about a fair distribution of household labour. As others have said, when you have children that necessitates a certain amount of housework - laundry, preparing and cleaning up after meals as a bare minimum. There are countless threads on here where a woman never has a moment of downtime between work (possibly part-time or lower paid than her partner), children, housework and mental and emotional load. Meanwhile her partner goes to work and does no more, because penis.

That IS worth the angst, and we should all care about it because women are still far from equality, largely because of this.

So for instance today my DH is working away so I know my ‘jobs’ - to get DD to nursery and pick her up, put some laundry away, empty the dishwasher and put a wash on. All reasonable. But if he wasn’t working away and he presented those to me as some sort of tick box it would really make me miserable.

If your DH wasn’t away, how would those things happen? You both just magically know what to do without discussing it? You never discuss changing the bedsheets or plan when to do it because you don’t care about housework. So how do these things get done?

As others have said, when you have children that necessitates a certain amount of housework - laundry, preparing and cleaning up after meals as a bare minimum

Those things are necessary whether or not you have children. Hell, they’re necessary if you live by yourself. In our house he cooks and puts the bins out and I do everything else. Because neither of us are clean freaks, it’s hardly onerous.

My approach is pretty much exactly this, OP. Anyone who leaves the loo in anything other than a pristine state is in Trouble. But that doesn't mean I clean it at 9AM every day. The loo's starting point is super-clean. Whoever uses it needs to leave it as they find it. I used to send the DC back to rectify if necessary (it often was).

Housework has always been done on an ad hoc basis. Normally that something either needs doing because there's a deadline (eg bins), or someone is visiting who might not want to sit on a pile of coats, or something starts to piss me off so much that I stir myself to do something about it. If it bothers someone else before it bothers me, they stir themselves to do it. We muddle through. The house does look as if it has been burgled most of the time, though.

Even if I were the housework sort, I could never have done it to any kind of rota. Things somehow come up which are more pressing/interesting. I would find it hard to be really good friends with someone who cleaned their skirting boards, and they'd probably find it hard to be friends with me.

DC are mostly grown up, and are mostly anally tidy in their own places.

Tried to quote you, OP, but it didn't work. It was your post about loo brushes etc.

@MindyStClaire I’m certainly not intending to be disingenuous and I will apologise if that’s how it comes over.

I do know what you mean but I think the problem is then any discussion about fairness of tasks ends up coming back to housework and I suppose it’s that which I find both baffling and frustrating. If I’m getting up four times a night every night it doesn’t comfort me that I never clean the bathroom. Same with the nursery run - it’s not alleviating my stress at all if DH does all the housework.

And it’s always housework.

I honestly just don’t care who emptied the dishwasher, who cleared the lounge of a million toys and who changed the sheets on the bed

You might do if it were always you.

Same with the nursery run - it’s not alleviating my stress at all if DH does all the housework.

Doing a stressful nursery run is surely more stressful if you know you are going home to a sinkful of dishes that you have to do before you can cook dinner?

So MN is now working on the assumption that the reason I don’t care is because I rarely, if ever, do it.

No, it’s because I don’t care.

Doing a stressful nursery run is surely more stressful if you know you are going home to a sinkful of dishes that you have to do before you can cook dinner

Yes, but if I am posting about a stressful nursery run, then that is the issue, isn’t it? I mean, I am not being awkward - but if I am exhausted because my child wakes me four times a night I personally am not much comforted by the fact DH always puts the bins out and empties the dishwasher.

@CaliFrown it’s all very well leaving the loo as you found it. But when does it get a proper clean with bleach or Harpic or whatever ? What about doing round the rim? Or under the lid? Or those little annoying bits near the hinge of the lid where you need to wipe otherwise it’s all mucky and grim? Your kids are doing that when they leave it as they find it are they?

The reason it's often asked is because it's often the problem - the man does nothing because MANHOOD, so the woman has hardly any time to herself. He gets to sit on his arse in front of the telly every night because he 'works' hard and/or he gets plenty of leisure time to do his hobbies; if she asks him to do even a little bit (put a wash on, run the hoover over the carpet, get the kids a meal) he will either not do it or bodge it so it becomes easier for her to just get on with it - and he is doing this deliberately, because housework is WOMEN's work.

You’d be even less comforted if you had to do the bins and dishwasher too OP. Course you would be more stressed then. Nobody is saying it’s all the rest of us ever think about, but pretending boring housework tasks don’t even enter your mindset because you’re so carefree and cool is a bit

Omg this thread speaks to me on so many levels 😂

I am more than happy to leave, I don't know, my pyjamas on the floor next to the bed for the duration of the day but my OH will absolutely kick off if I've not scrubbed the floor with a fine toothbrush every.single.day. Before anyone says anything - I'm temporarily out of work due to being made redundant and he's working 10-12 hours a day hard labour so I don't mind picking up 90% of the housework until I start my new job.

Literally he's been moaning at me like hell because I didn't hoover upstairs yesterday. Did it two days ago and there's not a spec of dust anywhere but 🤷‍♀️ he's happy to put his glass on the work surface NEXT TO THE DISHWASHER.

Agree with other posters. All depends on each individual's idea of clean. Most people don't mind a something left out on the side and then you have those that demand the house looks like a show home 24/7.

Must admit.. as annoying as it is, it is nice to not have to worry about how the house looks if people turn up unannounced 😂

I have become more particular about housework over the years, partly because we have a nicer house with nicer things than I've ever had, and I like taking care of them! partly because I don't work any longer, and have more time both to notice and to do it. Partly because we have a dog, and if I didn't hoover, mop and dust regularly we'd be Hairy McLairy pretty quickly. We have an Edwardian house, which I love, but there are many dust-catching features. Next time round, I"m going to buy a white cube and if we still have a dog, insist that we have a cleaner twice a week.

@PuppyMonkey

You’d be even less comforted if you had to do the bins and dishwasher too OP. Course you would be more stressed then. Nobody is saying it’s all the rest of us ever think about, but pretending boring housework tasks don’t even enter your mindset because you’re so carefree and cool is a bit

But that’s really not what I am trying to do at all. There are all sorts of things that can lead to inequality and inherent unfairness in a relationship, but on here it always seems to come back to housework.

Emptying the dishwasher takes two minutes, I was up for two hours with my toddler last night. Yet people triumphantly say ‘well you’d be MORE stressed if you were up for two hours AND had to empty the dishwasher’ when to me the better way of looking at it is I’d be less stressed if I hadn’t been up for two hours!

@PuppyMonkey

So for instance today my DH is working away so I know my ‘jobs’ - to get DD to nursery and pick her up, put some laundry away, empty the dishwasher and put a wash on. All reasonable. But if he wasn’t working away and he presented those to me as some sort of tick box it would really make me miserable.

If your DH wasn’t away, how would those things happen? You both just magically know what to do without discussing it? You never discuss changing the bedsheets or plan when to do it because you don’t care about housework. So how do these things get done?

If you notice it needs doing, just do it instead of having to have a discussion on who is doing what and settling up a schedule and before you know it, it's a full on family meeting with an agenda

Dishwasher full? Empty it.
Notice the pile of clothes on the basket is piling up? Wash them
Bedsheets getting a little smelly? Change them

It's all about being proactive and not expecting someone else to pick things up after you...

That's when the kickback comes and arguments start.

Like my OH asking me repeatedly to hoover the bloody upstairs 🤣

I’m not sure if you’ve misunderstood, @Nickwinkle. I’m not posting for advice on the housework!

Nick your DH actually moans if you haven't scrubbed the floor or hoovered every day? How can you live with someone like that? My DH wouldn't even notice or care .... I do think some people must be obsessed with housework ...

@Tartankilt no, no I get what you mean! Sorry, I have a shitty way of wording things. It was supposed to be a response to the PP who questioned how you get things done if they're not discussed.

I'm with you in terms of not caring about cleaning; as long as the house doesn't look like a bombs hit it. Worse things in life to worry about. Partner on the other hand is the complete opposite and it drives me up the wall.

I don't understand why so many MNers either are so anti-men 😳 Like they assume none of them do any housework, contribute to the household and are essentially just sperm donors whilst they martyr themselves. Not all men are like this!

@Ragwort a little over exaggeration on scrubbing the floor but absolutely does moan if the hoovering isn't done every day. Or shoes aren't lined up perfectly in the hall. Or coats aren't hung up in wardrobes. Everything has to be perfectly in place and clean to the highest standard. He does do these things too normally but I've taken on most of it with me being at home every day currently

Free to a good home if you want him 😂

@BigSkies22

I have become more particular about housework over the years, partly because we have a nicer house with nicer things than I've ever had, and I like taking care of them! partly because I don't work any longer, and have more time both to notice and to do it. Partly because we have a dog, and if I didn't hoover, mop and dust regularly we'd be Hairy McLairy pretty quickly. We have an Edwardian house, which I love, but there are many dust-catching features. Next time round, I"m going to buy a white cube and if we still have a dog, insist that we have a cleaner twice a week.

Are you me?

Next time I'm buying a dog that doesn't shed hair...

I do most of it. DH actually sent me a text message about how to do DC laundry yesterday when I was at work. Didn't put it on till I called at lunchtime. So willing to do it but requires instruction. If he was left to his own devices we would use the same sheets for 6 months. Grim. But there r tasks that he does specifically that I don't so I do not feel hard done by. I also do the tidying because I don't like mess but I/DC are messy. His is no where near as untidy and his underwear drawer is immaculate.

[quote Tartankilt]@MindyStClaire I’m certainly not intending to be disingenuous and I will apologise if that’s how it comes over.

I do know what you mean but I think the problem is then any discussion about fairness of tasks ends up coming back to housework and I suppose it’s that which I find both baffling and frustrating. If I’m getting up four times a night every night it doesn’t comfort me that I never clean the bathroom. Same with the nursery run - it’s not alleviating my stress at all if DH does all the housework.

And it’s always housework.[/quote]
But that’s because housework makes up the majority of shared tasks, surely?
And it’s not always housework. It’s division of labour. That includes, for example, getting up with the baby, childcare, cooking, admin, washing the car… everything.

Maybe it depends on age of children, I find caring for and entertaining DD, night wakes and nursery drop offs and pick ups FAR more time consuming and stressful.

My DC are 8, 6 and 3. Laundry is the bane of my fucking life. Everything else pales into insignificance.