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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give two figs about housework?

168 replies

Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 13:38

Is it just me who finds MN a bit obsessive about this topic? I’ve opened another thread about a husband going part time and he is expected to do housework. I started a thread yesterday about dropping DD off at nursery and started being quizzed about housework.

I get that if it’s an 80/20 split it’s a pain in the arse but is it just me who thinks too much angst? Our house regularly looks like someone has ransacked it though so I might not be the best person to ask!

OP posts:
KimchiWithMe · 17/02/2022 16:27

I prefer organisation than cleanliness. Although my house is very clean at the same time.

Everything has a place, stuff inside cupboards is organised and I know where everything is.

There are only two of us, plus two hairy dogs, so if I want a pleasant house I have to do some level of cleaning everyday. I work shifts so get a chunk of time off, I don't have to find a bit of time at the end of a long working day and DH will do a but whilst I'm at work anyway (he works from home and will do bits on lunch house/breaks)

I was NEVER this organised and clean until two years ago when we moved, it was immaculate and I would feel bad letting a beautiful house get grubby. And, I am thinking ahead already to re-sale and want it to be immaculate too.

Magicmelodies21 · 17/02/2022 16:28

I envy your carefree attitude, I have ocd so mess to me makes me so stressed!! I feel calm when things are in order. I love to not be bothered !

prettyteapotsplease · 17/02/2022 16:30

Like Tunnocks I am widowed so all the load of housework falls on to me and sometimes the responsibility gets too much - something has to give. I have clean clothes, kitchenware etc but as for dusting - forget it. I have to be really in the mood to tackle it. I feel slightly ashamed of myself but it hasn't killed me yet.

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 16:30

I don’t think that people should not bother if they want to, it’s just presenting it as things that absolutely must be fine would be stressful for me personally, I would hate to be getting something out and worrying about putting it back.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 17/02/2022 16:31

It depends though, I work ft and dh works ft mostly from home but even before I did I was never great at housework and I always thought well I have 4 kids, the house is lived in, chaotic, it works for us etc. The thing is when you start finding mould in some places, ginormous cobwebs and dust in others, when you have to spend two days cleaning because someone is coming over ... that's when we stopped with the excuses. No you don't have to clean all the day long, but you do need to have basic standards, and teach your kids to help too

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 16:32

I think basic standards do differ from person to person, though, and it must be difficult for someone with low basic standards to live with someone who has high basic standards.

OP posts:
ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 17/02/2022 16:35

@Tartankilt

I don’t think that people should not bother if they want to, it’s just presenting it as things that absolutely must be fine would be stressful for me personally, I would hate to be getting something out and worrying about putting it back.
Who does that though? I think when people complain on here about housework, it’s usually because they are expected to do the vast majority. If you have a partner who pulls their weight, it’s not usually an issue. Things will get done. When you’re the one doing everything, it becomes a huge thing in your mind.
deeplyrooted · 17/02/2022 16:37

It sounds like you have an equal and fair division of labour and share similar expectations.

Not everyone is as lucky.

I didn’t care about housework before having dc who created shocking amounts of it.

For many couples the extra burden falls unfairly on the one who is on maternity leave because she’s at home, and then the other partner doesn’t shoulder a fair share of the burden when she returns to work.

In many households that creates a pressure for the mother to work less, and that directly impacts earning potential, financial freedom, vulnerability to abuse and to elderly poverty.

MN is brilliant at raising awareness on this topic so that women, exhausted and overburdened see the issue clearly instead of blindly reacting on a microcosmic scale.

It’s one of the key feminist concerns of our generation.

cookiemonster2468 · 17/02/2022 16:38

@Tartankilt

If you’re happy you can’t be doing it wrong. But I know what you mean - I do wonder sometimes if I should be more organised with it but the truth is I honestly just don’t care who emptied the dishwasher, who cleared the lounge of a million toys and who changed the sheets on the bed.
I agree with if you're happy (and those you live with) then you're not doing it wrong.

However I can see resentment building if you don't care who emptied the dishwasher/ who cleared the lounge/ changed the sheets etc. but it's always your partner.

You just have to be in tune with the people around you and their needs, other than that it doesn't matter.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 17/02/2022 16:40

However I can see resentment building if you don't care who emptied the dishwasher/ who cleared the lounge/ changed the sheets etc. but it's always your partner

Yes I agree with this. It’s when the division of labour becomes massively unequal that resentment starts. And that’s when people tend to comment on MN threads about housework.

gogohm · 17/02/2022 16:41

I don't either, I blitz the house if my mother or younger dd is due to visit though as they commentGrin

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2022 16:42

Life’s too short to worry about having a show home when you have young children.

Swear · 17/02/2022 16:47

I don't really get it. As a single mum, I've never done much housework. It just doesn't take much time to keep the house liveable in by my low standards.

georgarina · 17/02/2022 16:51

@diddl

Isn't it said that no has "I wish I'd done more housework" as an epitaph?
While I understand and somewhat live by the sentiment, I've always found this saying a bit annoying. Because no the housework isn't a life-fulfilling moment, but if you were always miserable because it was messy and you couldn't have anyone over, you might wish that.
Rewritethestars1 · 17/02/2022 16:54

Having 1 young child, no pets and a partner that pulls his weight is very different than having 3 kids, 2 dogs, a cat and a partner that doesn't do their share op. Its not about wanting a show home but jobs do need doing. I think you don't understand because presumably your house will be pretty tidy/clean with one child and two people who just get on with it.
Some people are stressed because of looking after kids, pets, working and then doing all the dishwasher emptying and clothes washing and thats understandable surly.
Its not about a rota or dictated time but if your the one doing it all it eventually will get on top of you and stop you being able to just swan off to wherever.

SC215 · 17/02/2022 16:55

I do wonder sometimes if I should be more organised with it but the truth is I honestly just don’t care who emptied the dishwasher, who cleared the lounge of a million toys and who changed the sheets on the bed.

I guess it depends how your other half feels about it. Mine always empties the dishwasher in the morning while waiting for the kettle to boil, and is fairly tidy, but if left to his own devices he would probably change the sheets once a month or less. Our cleaning rota was mutually agreed by both of us, and has helped with the resentment that I used to feel that I was the only one who ever remembered to do jobs like change the sheets.

Blossomtoes · 17/02/2022 16:55

I don't know what is feminism nowadays

Nor me. I keep being told here that my 2nd wave feminism isn’t feminism at all 🤷‍♀️

My (very houseproud) mum used to say that as long as the kitchen, bathroom and beds were clean the rest doesn’t matter and that works for me. I’ve curbed my naturally untidy habits because it’s nice to find things in the places you expect them to be but other than that the hoover and feather duster are deployed when they look as if they’re needed. I’m sure I won’t be saying on my deathbed that I wish I’d done more housework.

VivX · 17/02/2022 16:55

Our house typically looks like it has been burgled although without the decluttering benefit of stuff actually being removed from the house.

I went round to a friend's house and it looked like a minimalist show house. There was a solitary magazine on the sofa and she apologised for the mess as she put it in the magazine rack.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 17/02/2022 16:56

If you’re both happy there’s no problem.
I like to have a cleaning routine because I get stressed when the house is a complete tip and then feel overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.

Sounds completely counterintuitive but it’s much nicer cleaning a fairly clean house, so we actually do it instead of putting it off.

SC215 · 17/02/2022 16:58

It would make me so miserable if I wanted to go to the gym but couldn’t because housework, or if I wanted to meet friends but it was my day to clean the kitchen

Also if it takes you the whole day to clean the kitchen, then you either have very high standards and are scrubbing with a toothbrush or something, or a very mucky kitchen! You can do a bit of housework in 30 minutes or less and do plenty of other things with your day.

greenlynx · 17/02/2022 16:59

You would bother who’s emptying dishwasher, hoovering etc if it’s always you who does it, especially if you are stressed and tired.

SnakeLinguine · 17/02/2022 17:00

@lljkk

The MN obsession with housework baffles me. I mean I can see some people just enjoy cleaning -- I genuinely envy them.

But many others... I can't past feeling that it's very 1950s housewifey, & supremely anti-feminist....in that so many MN posters (almost all female) are obviously defining their self-esteem from some cleanliness status of their stuff. I can't relate and it feels like they must be embracing cultural identity & values that have at their roots, firm beliefs about what it is to be a worth while 'female'.

tbf, I don't know what is feminism nowadays.

All That said, DH would love to have a spotless home, he is much more domesticated than me. Someone I knew would deliberately leave any mess around her house because her OCD husband would clean everywhere daily anyway -- she dealt with that more comfortably knowing he was actually achieving something .

Yeah, I don't get it either. So many Mners seem to genuinely derive their peace of mind and sense of self-worth from the state of their kitchen floors. I can honestly say it never occurs to me as an issue. There is always something better to do.
Fairislefandango · 17/02/2022 17:07

Yeah, I don't get it either. So many Mners seem to genuinely derive their peace of mind and sense of self-worth from the state of their kitchen floors.

Having a clean and tidy house genuinely makes me feel happier and more relaxed. I don't think there's anything at all odd about your mood or state of mind being affected by how pleasant your surroundings are.

But I'm lazy and resent spending much time on housework, so I am perpetually a bit less satisfied and relaxed in my house than I'd like to be. So I can understand why some people put a lot of effort into it, even though I don't manage to myself!

Ricksteinsfishwife · 17/02/2022 17:11

I’m with you, I notice threads where women ask about random subjects and soneone says well who does the housework, I find it a bit mad, I am struggling to even imagine that convo in real life.

My old man got pissed Saturday night
Right, who does the housework then?

😂😂😂

Josette77 · 17/02/2022 17:15

I like having a beautiful home. I am proud of it. I am also artistic and my home feels like an extension of my soul. It's not anti-feminism.