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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give two figs about housework?

168 replies

Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 13:38

Is it just me who finds MN a bit obsessive about this topic? I’ve opened another thread about a husband going part time and he is expected to do housework. I started a thread yesterday about dropping DD off at nursery and started being quizzed about housework.

I get that if it’s an 80/20 split it’s a pain in the arse but is it just me who thinks too much angst? Our house regularly looks like someone has ransacked it though so I might not be the best person to ask!

OP posts:
lljkk · 17/02/2022 14:54

The MN obsession with housework baffles me.
I mean I can see some people just enjoy cleaning -- I genuinely envy them.

But many others... I can't past feeling that it's very 1950s housewifey, & supremely anti-feminist....in that so many MN posters (almost all female) are obviously defining their self-esteem from some cleanliness status of their stuff. I can't relate and it feels like they must be embracing cultural identity & values that have at their roots, firm beliefs about what it is to be a worth while 'female'.

tbf, I don't know what is feminism nowadays.

All That said, DH would love to have a spotless home, he is much more domesticated than me. Someone I knew would deliberately leave any mess around her house because her OCD husband would clean everywhere daily anyway -- she dealt with that more comfortably knowing he was actually achieving something .

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 14:58

Before I met DH and had a child, my house was immaculate, but I suppose I didn’t necessarily work to a rota. It would make me so miserable if I wanted to go to the gym but couldn’t because housework, or if I wanted to meet friends but it was my day to clean the kitchen.

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 17/02/2022 15:11

Yanbu OP. I couldn't give a stuff about housework. I am fussy about laundry and the food we eat. After I've dealt with all that, I probably do about a total of 1 hour housework per week and dh even less than that. Excluding dishes, bins etc which get done daily. We can easily not hoover for a fortnight or dust for a month. Who cares?

ChocolateMassacre · 17/02/2022 15:15

I have low standards but if the house gets too untidy then I find it a lot harder to do stuff with my DC. We have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight and we tidy up and put away everything for her coming. After she's been, I have much more motivation to say to my DC, "Let's do some painting" or "Let's cook something" than if the kitchen surfaces are untidy or the table is piled high with stuff. It just helps me feel that everything is less out of control and that means I have more patience and more to give as a parent. I work part-time so a lot of this does fall to me, but I'd be very unimpressed if DH wanted to go part-time without picking up more of the load. I wouldn't sacrifice an activity for cleaning and tidying though... for me, cleaning and tidying is something to fit around other things.

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:16

It’s not really picking up more of the load that ‘bothers’ me, more that I would hate to have exactly when and how that load is done dictated to me. Feeling like my life is a list of jobs would get me down.

OP posts:
whitewashing · 17/02/2022 15:18

Why do you want to live in a house that looks as if it’s been ransacked?

girlmom21 · 17/02/2022 15:18

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it wasn't you who was insisting that they couldn't possibly comment until they knew the full breakdown of every single task in their whole house Grin

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 17/02/2022 15:21

I find mess really stressful so our house is spotless (no DC, though).

But I think if someone works part-time, they should absolutely be doing the majority of the housework. Why should someone who's been at work all day have to come home and clean up?

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:24

@whitewashing

Why do you want to live in a house that looks as if it’s been ransacked?
Well, most of it is DCs toys. She’s at that age where nothing sticks for long so even if we tidy them away every single night she just gets them out again the following evening.

Then also they take a lot of space; she has a little tykes car, activity table and indoor slide / activity centre so that reduces the amount of space for general other clutter.

DH WFH so the dining room is pretty much permanently submerged in his stuff.

We are both guilty of dumping items in the hall which sometimes stay until someone moves them, usually when guests are coming!

The only way around this would be to ensure that no one dumps anything in the hall, all DH stuff is packed away at the end of the working day and that DDs toys are too but then everyone just gets them out again the next day so it seems a bit pointless tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:24

But I think if someone works part-time, they should absolutely be doing the majority of the housework. Why should someone who's been at work all day have to come home and clean

Is this going to be another thread with comprehension issues? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:25

@Tartankilt

I suppose because I’d hate to have my days dictated to. If I didn’t work Tuesdays (say) it might be nice sometimes to have a jaunt somewhere or whatever. I’d hate to feel chained to the hoover.

I think if I was part time I’d expect to do more housework but I’d hate it to be dictated to as to when I did it.

^ to clarify.
OP posts:
georgarina · 17/02/2022 15:28

Oh God. I hate the thought of wasting my precious life on Earth tidying things that will be out again in two seconds with children.

I much prefer it tidy, and once a week I'll have Netflix on while getting the real cleaning done, but housework in general is a cost/benefit analysis.

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:30

I suppose my objection would really be in regard to being micro managed rather than housework as such.

I know some people do it differently and it works for them, it isn’t intended as a criticism of a system that works for you, but the assumption that everybody has a list of tasks and a day or time dedicated to these tasks stresses me out!

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 17/02/2022 15:35

I clean as required. But I also work FT and solo parent so some days I don’t have the energy to give any fks about the state of the place. It’s presentable and kept clean, yes, is it always tidy? That’s a firm no and lowering my expectations as much helps reduce my stress levels.

Keeping a job and keeping kids happy fed and in bed is more important than an empty wash basket or glistening windows and I’ve never had anyone mention either as a disgust when coming over to see me.

I think the stress to housework you want to bring yourself is entirely on your own standards. Nobody gaf about your skirtingboards or shelf dust. Only you do.

Moonface123 · 17/02/2022 15:36

l am a single parent and l am very laid back re housework. l share my home with two older teenagers and pets and its just something l don' t stress over, our house is abit untidy but its calm, peaceful and the three of us are happy.
When my husband was alive l did feel under more pressure re housework and cooking etc, l much prefer being out in the garden in the nice weather and walking the dog miles, and its quite nice now if l feel tired or would rather do a workout or meet up with friends l don' t give housework a second thought. My sons are happy to cook, they eat high protein diets so have different preference to me, l love not having to think what shall we have for dinner, this is one of the best advantages of living on your own without a man, zero judgement and zero.arguments over who does what.

Babyghirl · 17/02/2022 15:39

@Tartankilt
Im ocd so my house gets hoovered dusted kitchen bathroom gets bleached everyday and floors get mopped it gets a big deep cleep once a month under beds under sofas doors get wiped down and skirting gets bleached down to, blinds and windows get it to beds get changed once a week to, and I work ft.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 17/02/2022 15:39

There's a compromise between doing housework to a strict schedule at the expense of fun, and living in a dump.

You seem to think it's one or the other.

Josette77 · 17/02/2022 15:40

I've never seen a thread with a time dictated. A day sure, but not a time.
I'm a single mom and I find cleaning each day doesn't take as long as people think. Even hoovering and mopping my main floor each day only takes a few minutes.
My life is chaotic and my ds has conplex special needs. I find the easiest laziest option for me is to dedicate each day to certain tasks. That way I'm never overwhelmed with a lot, and my home is leas anxiety producing for ds and I.

jytdtysrht · 17/02/2022 15:42

Some stuff needs doing though. I presume you don’t have shit stains on your bog? Or use only paper plates and not wash up? And someone takes out the recycling/rubbish?

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:43

You seem to think it's one or the other

No, not in the slightest and I will confess to being a bit baffled as to how you’ve extrapolated that from my posts, tbh.

What would really get me down is having to work to a particular schedule / rota.

So for instance today my DH is working away so I know my ‘jobs’ - to get DD to nursery and pick her up, put some laundry away, empty the dishwasher and put a wash on. All reasonable. But if he wasn’t working away and he presented those to me as some sort of tick box it would really make me miserable.

To me, it would feel a bit like ‘we can’t go out on Saturday until the bathroom is clean’ but the bathroom can be cleaned any time.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 15:45

@konasana

I know exactly what you mean and it's good to read this - sometimes I think we are doing the house wrong because there is no schedule of housework and it never feels like a burden - we just do it as and when it needs it, both of us pitching in.
Us too but I suppose that only works if you and your OH are on similar wave lengths with Housework. In our case we very much are, we both hate doing it but know that we have to get stuff done. With us it's kind of a case if one of us starts doing something the other will feel guilty and do something too or sometimes he'll say ugh I know the house is a mess but I'm tired I'll do it tomorrow, sometimes I'll say I'm actually grand I'll clean up or sometimes I'd say yeah me too and we both do it the next day and sometimes I'm the one saying that to him. the point is neither one of us takes the piss out of the other, we know it's both our responsibility
PAFMO · 17/02/2022 15:45

I find the competitive dirty houses more bizarre. And there are a million more posts from.people who wipe round the loo every fortnight with a damp cloth than posters who are the opposite.

Original poster
Tartankilt · 17/02/2022 15:45

I presume you don’t have shit stains on your bog?

No, but then it’s not something done to a strict rota either. You just check the toilet after you’ve used it and use a toilet brush if you need to (I know, horror but …)

Or use only paper plates and not wash up

Washing up used to be the bane of my life. Then we got a dishwasher. I love that thing.

And someone takes out the recycling/rubbish?

Yes, but again, that’s not something requiring micromanagement (to my mind) just ‘it’s Tuesday, I’d better put the bins out.’

OP posts:
Marmunia · 17/02/2022 15:46

We like to keep on top of housework and floors and bathrooms are cleaned every day before we leave the house. There is nothing more disgusting than a filthy house. I listen to a lot of podcasts so I can do this while cleaning. A big clean is done once a week and that includes skirting boards, blinds etc..

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 17/02/2022 15:47

I don’t know anyone who has certain times for doing housework.
I have fairly high standards housework wise, but if I fancied going out for a coffee on a Saturday morning instead of hoovering the hall then that’s not a problem. Equally if DH wants to watch the rugby instead of loading the dishwasher then that’s fine. However I would be annoyed if all of those things got left to me because DH was always doing things he enjoyed instead of doing things that needed doing (and vice versa).