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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

267 replies

HeyDuddy · 17/02/2022 00:27

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

OP posts:
bedheadedzombie · 17/02/2022 12:59

@Gilda152

I absolutely would not cut her out of the funeral.

I would let kindness take over.

It's her close friend and she will be in bits and may well be acting irrationally due to distress of losing her friend and being completely powerless to intervene in anyway. I know when our father was in hospital with Covid in the first wave, we as family we all tearing our hair out at not knowing enough, not knowing what to do, not being able to accept what was happening. We weren't at our best.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel.

She may well make a scene - it will be nothing that hasn't been seen before when people are helpless and in grief.

You clearly have never been to a funeral where someone kicks off. It is very traumatising to the family. The nearest loved ones are the priorities here. And since she can't understand that and is acting very nasty, she really should be left out.
TopCatsTopHat · 17/02/2022 13:03

Well said CousinKrispy

SnakeLinguine · 17/02/2022 13:03

Best wishes, @HeyDuddy, and for your DH's recovery.

SpiderVersed · 17/02/2022 13:04

Thinking of you and your family this afternoon. I'm so sorry you're all being subjected to additional stress at a difficult and painful time.

BigRedDuck · 17/02/2022 13:08

So sorry OP. You're definitely not being unreasonable. Have a really big in-mums netty hug

bedheadedzombie · 17/02/2022 13:14

@AStar98

I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them. Understand your reasoning based on her behaviour but a funeral is about the person who will shortly no longer be with you, paying your respects and celebrating their life. I would take a hunch and say it's unlikely she will make a scene at the funeral, the realisation of the day itself far outweighs the events leading up to it. Your MIL will only have one funeral and I hope you won't have to see her again after that. For the sake of your MIL, let it go.
She even kicked off while saying her final goodbyes to her dying friend, so why does your hunch say that she'll play nice at the funeral?
CJSmith2019 · 17/02/2022 13:15

@Scianel

I can't imagine that MIL herself would want this person at her funeral given the vicious comment she made towards her son's cancer diagnosis.
Exactly what I thought when I read about what she said to your husband. Appalling and I would not want her anywhere near any of you ever again. I am so sorry OP, you don't need her causing stress to you on top of everything else.
bedheadedzombie · 17/02/2022 13:18

OP, something else. I wish you strength today. You sound like such a strong woman but with so much on your plate it must feel like a lot to deal with right now. Take care Thanks

Jux · 17/02/2022 13:23

So sorry, HeyDuddy, this is a hard time. Thinking of you Flowers

I'm afraid I voted YABU, but ignore that, I'd only read the OP. Reading further I realised that I was the one being U. Ignore the poll, I'm sure I'm not the only one who should have read further before voting.

SummerWhisper · 17/02/2022 13:23

Thinking of you, DH and DMIL today. I hope it's a peaceful time for all of you. I hope DH recovers. You sound like a wonderful DIL and a great support for DH, too Flowers

Whatdramain2022 · 17/02/2022 13:24

Absolutely block her. Her behaviour is far beyond anything acceptable. My SS and his wife are so toxic that my DH doesn't want a funeral for fear of how they'll behave.

It's a terrible time for you made so much worse by this woman. It needs to be made crystal clear that she is not included. A solicitor's letter sounds a good idea.

SamphiretheStickerist · 17/02/2022 13:32

@JustMsInvisible

When she dies pass the funeral details on to her friend. Don’t engage in the shit she is saying. If she turns up and starts complaining walk away.
The problem is as I recounted, as @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll has exlained really clearly, sometimes the 'friend' is far, far more extreme than we have ever experienced. Thankfully such people are few and far between.

This woman has shown herself incapable of mastering her own emotional outbursts in abloody hospice. What makes anyone think she will behave any better at a funeral?

Snaketime · 17/02/2022 13:53

I'm so sorry OP, my thoughts are with you and your family. YANBU don't tell the friend anything. She would just ruin the funeral.

Andouillette · 17/02/2022 14:38

@Heyduddy, I am so sorry to read that you are going through such an awful time, and with the added complication of the ghastly 'friend'. It sounds like your MIL is reaching her end and that really is all you need to be dealing with right now. Going forward, a couple of suggestions for you. Firstly leave dealing with the 'friend' in the capable hands of MIL's solicitor. No need for actual threats of legal action, a competent family law solicitor will be more than capable of writing a firm but kindly letter outlining why her behaviour is unacceptable. Confide in the funeral director, they will, in my experience provide an extra person for the funeral if trouble is expected. We had one at my DM's funeral, very discreetly. As it happens the troublemaker in question did not turn up. Finally, if this person persists a quiet word with a police officer may be needed, again nothing legalish needs to happen but they may be willing to fire a shot across her bows.
Sending you my sympathy for what you are going through and sincere wishes that MIL's passing is peaceful.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2022 14:51

We’re strangely ready for it to happen now, she’s been in so much discomfort that I only want peace for her

Nothing strange about that, OP; in the aged death is often a natural process and I'd say your feelings are utterly humane

Peace to you all Flowers

2bazookas · 17/02/2022 15:32

She's completely bananas. I would make absolutely sure the hospice prevent her from visiting MIL in the hospice as she has caused distress to the patient and family by challenging the patient's Medical Directive.

Don't tell her the funeral details and make sure the undertaker doesn't reveal them to enquirers.

RachelGreeneGreep · 17/02/2022 15:49

@Jux

So sorry, HeyDuddy, this is a hard time. Thinking of you Flowers

I'm afraid I voted YABU, but ignore that, I'd only read the OP. Reading further I realised that I was the one being U. Ignore the poll, I'm sure I'm not the only one who should have read further before voting.

@Jux

You can change your vote by clicking the other option.

Jux · 17/02/2022 16:21

RachelGreeneCreep, thanks, done.

justasking111 · 17/02/2022 16:34

My father died the children organised the funeral we all agreed not telling mum his ex wife. She found out weeks later and hit the roof but we avoided the hoo ha at the funeral. Let the undertaker know they're used to this sort of behaviour if you're still concerned

WinniesHunny · 17/02/2022 17:33

@gilda152 Funny you mention opinions, because you know what they say: Opinions are like arseholes. We've all got one and yours fucking stinks

frogswimming · 17/02/2022 17:45

Sending love op Thanks

CatNoBag · 17/02/2022 18:21

I'm sorry for what you're going through HeyDuddy.

When it comes to the funeral, it may be wise to mention her to the undertakers, and tell them that if she does manage to show up, she isn't to be allowed in. Undertakers have seen it all and dealt with anything you can think of and more, so I'm sure they'd know how to handle this and let you get on with your own grieving.

Original poster
HeyDuddy · 17/02/2022 18:55

Thank you everyone. DMIL passed away this afternoon with us and two good friends by her side. We’re now back at her house and DH is putting the kids to bed and I’m reading your messages. There are so many things I should be doing but MN is a nice distraction. I have now read all your messages and we’re going to hold on making a decision until we’ve slept a few decent nights and had some head space.

OP posts:
CheeseCakeSunflowers · 17/02/2022 19:04

Condolences to you both.

acatcalledjohn · 17/02/2022 19:04

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I hope you and your DH are beating up, and that your MIL had the peaceful end she wished for. Thanks