AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

You can try to prevent her finding out funeral details, but you can't stop her attending. She's your mother in law's friend. She's already grieving because she knows she losing a close friend. There's nothing she can do to stop her dying, so she's putting her (negative) energy into trying to make her last week's/months/etc what she believes her friend would have wanted.
Don't stop her attending a funeral that will give her closure. That would only make her more angry. Keep your distance and don't respond to her except for funeral details. She might have come to some peace by then.

I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them.

Are you for real? This woman is making everything about her. Op has been nothing but patient and kind. The op and her dh should have this one day to grieve for MIL without having to worry this womans accusations, blame and general spite towards them.

Totally crap advice, I hope the op doesn't take any heed.

I can't imagine that MIL herself would want this person at her funeral given the vicious comment she made towards her son's cancer diagnosis.

Obviously at the moment your focus is on DMIL and DH. Ignore this woman, who's motives are to protect her friend but are extremely misguided and causing more harm than good.

After your DMIL has died and you are arranging the funeral, if she contacts you, DH, hospice, GP, you need to tell her that had made explicit instructions for her care which you followed to the letter.

If she is still kicking off about this, she can't come to the funeral.

When she dies pass the funeral details on to her friend. Don’t engage in the shit she is saying. If she turns up and starts complaining walk away.

What a tough time for you OP.

My advice is to stop giving this person headspace - she can’t come to the Hospice so you can put thoughts of her aside until your DMIL no longer needs you and DH.

This is a terrible but also precious time. Concentrate on being there for your DMIL, your DH and yourself. You need peace and calm so don’t let that person’s behaviour creep into the room via your head.

Wishing you all strength and courage.

Superb post, WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I did wonder about SiobhanSharpe's idea of letting the experienced funeral directors deal with it, but they can't be everywhere all the time and almost certainly won't be at any wake - and while I wouldn't expect even this ghastly woman to speak up at the service, she could easily use the wake as an "audience"

Noticeable, though, that none of the "let her come" folk have answered why this woman's feelings should be prioritised over those of everyone else there

@GirlOfTudor

You can try to prevent her finding out funeral details, but you can't stop her attending. She's your mother in law's friend. She's already grieving because she knows she losing a close friend. There's nothing she can do to stop her dying, so she's putting her (negative) energy into trying to make her last week's/months/etc what she believes her friend would have wanted. Don't stop her attending a funeral that will give her closure. That would only make her more angry. Keep your distance and don't respond to her except for funeral details. She might have come to some peace by then.

This woman wasn't trusted even by her own now doing friend to behave at ordinary social occasions - never mind ones which she believes are attended by people she is opposed to for seriously horrific contentious reasons and towards whom she has shown no inhibitions for being extremely vocally rude and cruel towards. This isn't a normal 'keep your distance and I'm sure it'll all be fine as we grieve separately and respectfully' situation.

Not worth the risk. At all. The lady will have to grieve privately and tremendously her friend her own way. She can crap all over the relatives as they go through the hardest situation imaginable and expect to be welcome at the funeral.

I have no advice OP other than what has been said already.

You do not need this,

I'm so terribly sorry for all you're having to deal with. Sending to you and your DH

@AStar98

I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them. Understand your reasoning based on her behaviour but a funeral is about the person who will shortly no longer be with you, paying your respects and celebrating their life. I would take a hunch and say it's unlikely she will make a scene at the funeral, the realisation of the day itself far outweighs the events leading up to it. Your MIL will only have one funeral and I hope you won't have to see her again after that. For the sake of your MIL, let it go.

I disagree.

They are not making the funeral about them -
MIL didn't even want her at her own group gatherings, so l really can't imagine she'd want her at her funeral knowing that she is already in a "firecracker" state.

And with respect your hunch that she'd behave really doesn't fit in with how she's been acting. I certainly wouldn't want to take that chance

@Malibuismysecrethome

Couldn’t you show her a copy of the document showing your DMil’s wishes. Presumably her wishes are written down.

I can only assume that you have never supported a close relative through the last days of their life in hospice care, or have sufficient imagination to put yourself in this position. This is a private medical document, shared only with the OP by the family GP when necessary, she doesn't and shouldn't even have a copy of it never mind sharing it with a non family member.

@JustMsInvisible

When she dies pass the funeral details on to her friend. Don’t engage in the shit she is saying. If she turns up and starts complaining walk away.

How can you walk away from a family funeral?

Best to tell twat woman nothing at all. If she does somehow discover what the funeral arrangements are and turns up causing a scene then someone will have to evict her, be it crematorium staff, a family member or the funeral director.

Don't make it easier for her to continue her drama by giving her the tools to do it (i.e. the funeral details.

Couldn’t you show her a copy of the document showing your DMil’s wishes

You might want to RTFT, Malibu, or even just OP's own posts ... she's already said twice that it's in the GP's possession rather than theirs

And yes, the "MIL didn't even want her at her own group gatherings" is another thing being ignored by those who'd let her come. Odd to think such a priority should be made of someone who even MIL didn't want at events

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately the stress of illness can bring out the worst in people.
I have a health care background, when my father had a terminal neurological disease and was given a DNR by the doctor, my mother wouldn't agree with it. She still kept saying she wanted something done, despite being told there was no further treatment available. I think some people with no knowledge or understanding of palliative care cannot accept that the person is not going to recover. She should not be making you life more difficult than it already is. I would block her if she is being unreasonable.
Sending best wishes for a very difficult time, I have been through it with my own family and in laws.

All those saying 'be kind' to this psycho woman, just shut the hell up. She's a woo-merchant and a spiteful, selfish, vindictive one at that. "Negative energy manifesting as illness"? That tells everything we need to know about her, plus the fact that MIL didn't include her in group gatherings for 40 years, she had the measure of her and probably counted her as an acquaintance rather than close friend. Absolutely block her from attending the funeral. Fuck her!

I had a wobble about this with a funeral I organised last year. Someone who knew my late relative I knew to be a risk in terms of turning up and making it ALL about them. So I had a chat with the funeral director and gave a description of the 'friend'. He suddenly got a steely look in his eye and just said, don't worry, we will sort it out if they turn up. Maybe that's partly why they have such big, burly pall bearers, a kind of joint role if bouncers are needed. You do NOT need to accept all and sundry turning up, it absolutely should be private and not include her. So sorry you are bearing so much.

@AStar98

I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them. Understand your reasoning based on her behaviour but a funeral is about the person who will shortly no longer be with you, paying your respects and celebrating their life. I would take a hunch and say it's unlikely she will make a scene at the funeral, the realisation of the day itself far outweighs the events leading up to it. Your MIL will only have one funeral and I hope you won't have to see her again after that. For the sake of your MIL, let it go.

Bollocks.

I would take a hunch that she is extremely likely to misbehave and make a scene at the funeral. So for the sake of MIL and everyone else I would absolutely not let this one go.

She should be told nothing about the funeral arrangements in order to minimise the possibility of her carrying on her spiteful dramatics there and distressing everyone.

Your DMIL excluded her from gatherings as she is a firecracker so she has already set the precedent. You can keep arrangements from this 'friend' knowing that you would have your DMIL's blessing.

Stop engaging with this woman and put all your energies into caring for DMIL.

@rainbowunicorn it might be the most ridiculous thing you've heard, but your opinion means less than nothing to me. Hope this helps.

Thank you everyone it’s definitely food for thought. I can’t fully read everything yet as I’ve just popped out to get some air as it’s so hot in the hospice. She’s been seen on the ward round and they think we’re in to the very last stage now. She has the death rattle that I remember when my DGM was passing. We’re strangely ready for it to happen now, she’s been in so much discomfort that I only want peace for her. Although I haven’t been able to reply properly thank you everyone, your input really is appreciated.

OP, my thoughts are with you and your family. Whatever is wrong with this woman - and it year there is something very wrong with her - it shouldn’t have to be your problem. Your priority is your MIL and immediate family. YWNBU to block this woman on every channel and ensure she does not hear about the funeral arrangements. The risk of her kicking off and making a sad day even more awful are too high. Wishing you all peace and strength. 💐

Sending you strength and solidarity. I have a close friend in this situation now and am in tears reading your posts. God speed to your mil. You're a marvellous wife and dil op.

If it’s any consolation I work in a hospice and death or imminent death really brings a lot of stress and issues to the fore. Usually families but not always. The staff at the hospice will have seen this kind of thing before so should be supportive. We deal with lots of issues including having to turn unwanted visitors away!

I'd like to point out, for those who are saying you shouldn't deny the friend her opportunity for "closure" by attending the funeral:

*there is no guarantee that the funeral or other events would bring closure to her. While this does help many people, it is not a certainty, especially for someone who is already acting so irrationally.

*there are different ways to get closure, to grieve, and to celebrate the life of someone you cared for. Perhaps friend can carry out her own private ritual or create her own memorial book or other item for her friend. Or seek out bereavement counseling. Or (if she stops being a knob) have a meetup with OP and H later to reminisce about DMIL (OP does not owe this to the friend, however).

I'm sure this woman is hurting terribly and that's very sad. But her behaviour has been so irrational and hurtful to the OP and her cancer-patient H that it is entirely appropriate for them to draw boundaries at this time for their own protection.

and again

I am appalled at the posters championing this 'friend' I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them. and
Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel.
If this was directed at the friends behaviour I could understand, but to direct it at the grieving family, ridiculous!