AIBU to exclude DMIL’s close friend from funeral?

[HeyDuddy]

DMIL is in a hospice dying from kidney disease and advanced dementia. She created an end of life plan before she lost capacity which basically refused all medical care. Her friend is making my life hell (I am dealing with most of it as DH has cancer). She wrongly believes that I have stopped DMIL getting the care she needs, and will not believe it was DMIL’s wishes. I actually have nothing to do with the decision making- all doctors and nurses involved in her care have seen the document and will not give anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. For example she has morphine for pain but they refused a surgery that she could have had as it wouldn’t have significantly improved things. Her friend is being very vocal and telling everyone who will listen how we have stopped her getting the care she needs and we’re just after her money- she also said all this at the DMIL’s bedside at the hospice. She tried calling social services and the GP but they didn’t take anything any further and realised it was malicious. DMIL only has a few days left as she now is having almost no water and I am terrified of the scene she will make at the funeral. Without me telling her I don’t think she would find out the funeral details as she doesn’t have any other mutual friends with DMIL. AIBU to not give her the details and hope I never see her again.

What would MIL do?

Prioritise her family and keep so called friend far away, by the sound of it. She sounds like a wise lady.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel

No, cruelty is being vile to a Son who is losing his mother, living with cancer and is staying away from home and his support network.
No one has forced this woman to behave abominably. She has to accept the consequences.

@FruminariaBandersnatcheosum

I would be tempted to call her and tell her the time of the funeral is at 15.30 at ABC crematorium when in fact it's at 09.50 at XYZ crematorium.

Better still, get 'a friend that is helping you arrange the funeral' to impart this knowledge. That way, afterwards you can feign innocence and tell her you have no idea who called her and how sad it is that she missed it.

Having said that, whilst weddings are a matter for public record and reasonably any person is legally allowed to attend (with certain parameters), a funeral is private and you can arrange whatever measures you see fit to keep it thus.

that's not only gratuiously nasty, it could also be distressing to the people who are having a funeral at that time and location. Please think before you post.

I think you are being unfair, if this is a long standing friend she probably cares deeply but is being cut out. I'd include her, don't let her hold the funeral against you.

If there are no mutual friends how do you know she's telling people you are withholding care?

@Lockdownbear

I think you are being unfair, if this is a long standing friend she probably cares deeply but is being cut out. I'd include her, don't let her hold the funeral against you.

If there are no mutual friends how do you know she's telling people you are withholding care?

Have you read everything OP has posted?

See All

Your own mil never invited her to group gatherings as she knew she couldn't be trusted to behave. A funeral is a group gathering and your own mil would likely not invite her.
Suspect this lady wants to flex what authority she has as a 'long-standing-friend' as she recognises she is losing someone who tolerated her well enough to be in her life so long and her world shrinks. Maybe her world view is skewed enough to believe she's right, which is sad. But her problem shouldn't be accommodated, it isn't yours.

Have some good strong characters who will be at the funeral warned so if they turn up she can be extracted with minimal fuss by pre-warned people, then at least you have a plan for worst case scenario.

So sorry you are going through all this, your situation sounds very stressful. Don't take her on, shut her out. She isn't doing what your mil would want and isn't making your mils final time better sadly.

I'm not sure the GP should be discussing private medical matters. I'm sorry you are going through this OP but she sounds like she isn't able to think straight, probably already grieving poor woman. You don't need this right now and I'm sure your DMIL wants to die peacefully. I would just concentrate on her death first the make decisions about the funeral logistics later. Last thing you need is a scene at the funeral.

@Lockdownbear

I think you are being unfair, if this is a long standing friend she probably cares deeply but is being cut out. I'd include her, don't let her hold the funeral against you.

If there are no mutual friends how do you know she's telling people you are withholding care?

You think op is being unfair?

This woman told the GP, hospice staff and social services that op is withholding care and then told ops dp, after he was diagnosed with cancer that his Ddad would be ashamed of him and the cancer manifested because of his treatment of his DM.

I think op has been a Saint putting up with as much as she has.

@Lockdownbear

I think you are being unfair, if this is a long standing friend she probably cares deeply but is being cut out. I'd include her, don't let her hold the funeral against you.

If there are no mutual friends how do you know she's telling people you are withholding care?

What is swaying me towards actively stopping her is the sheer venom that came out when she was shouting at me at the hospice. This isn’t new although it has been easier to ignore before now, it escalated about six months ago but it was limited to a few nasty texts and a couple of nasty phone calls. She said to DH when he was diagnosed with cancer that DFIL would be so ashamed of him and “negative energy manifests as illness”. I just can’t bear the thought of this happening at the funeral.

DH has cancer. DMIL is close to death. Why should they include someone who treats them like this ⬆️? She's even done it at the bedside of DMIL. So disrespectful.

Tbf I hadn't read the last post, especially the bit that MIL didn't include the last in group gatherings.
Which changes my views slightly. Can't imagine how the friendship survived 40 years though.
All sounds a bit odd.

I'm writing this with my dying dad lying in a hospital bed in front of me.

My thoughts are with you and your family OP. I can't imagine how you're coping when your DH is also going through cancer. Absolute hats off to you for being as strong as you are.

What you need to remember at this time is that your MILs wishes are all that matter and you spend as much time with her as you can. To hell with anyone that wants to put their 50 pence in and cause a scene. What your MIL has chosen and how she wishes to die is her choice and no one can take that away from her.

I understand her friend being a lunatic. It's a horrible thing to lose someone and you want to find a solution no matter how irrational it may be. It's no excuse for her behaviour, though, and if blocking her from the funeral will ease some of the stress on you all then it's a decision you're going to need to make.

As your DH said... If your MIL could make the decision then she would say to cut her off and not invite her. If that would be her wishes then you should honour them.

Sending my best wishes to you all over the next coming days. Stay strong for her ❤️

I would have absolute zero tolerance for this woman, who is trying to make a circus out of a horrific time for this family, and appoint herself as ringleader.

It's not the OP's responsibility to be compassionate or extend kindness to this person. Fuck her. How dare she harass the family like this!

I'm so sorry ye are being put through this when ye are both already suffering anyway OP.
Having read all your posts, it does sound as if no matter what evidence of your DMIL's wishes are shown to this lady, she is unlikely to take them on board. Maybe she is terrified because your DMIL was her only friend by the sounds of it but she is behaving totally unreasonably and you can't reason with the unreasonable. It seems to me that ye have no choice but to block her from the funeral which would be painful enough without this lady, whom I do feel a bit sorry for, making into a complete nightmare! I think out of respect for your DMIL, this lady should be kept away so she cannot cause drama. It's significant that your DMIL kept this lady away from her other friends and from family and I think it's best ye follow DMIL's example for her funeral!
So, I vote YANBU OP. I wish you all the best and pray your DH makes a ful and speedy recovery.

I agree that this friend is probably acting through her own distress but this is not in your MIL's interests.
There isn't an option here for people to act angst DMIL's wishes because she has made them clear.That is the law .I have come across this scenario before and it is distressing for everyone.Usually , ime,hospice staff are excellent at preparing everyone for the inevitable.Can they help?.If not, I agree with ode who have said consider a letter to reiterate that sadly DMil has an incurable disease from which she is dying and as per the law you are all following her wishes with respect to her last days.
Personally I wouldn't ban her from the funeral. Funerals are for everyone to mourn and this friend, clearly difficult at this time, loved your mother and is struggling with her loss.Funerals are usually public and not invitation only events.There is no need necessarily for her to be invited to any celebration/ wake afterwards.
What a difficult time and I am so sorry for the extra stress.

I'm wondering if the friend feels entitled to your MIL's house, as you said she accused you and DH of being after MIL's property?

I don't understand this woman being a lunatic at all.

It's not normal, I've had the misfortune to be close to many people who have died in my family in the past couple of years, and in no cases were people behaving like this around any of the deaths or funerals.

If someone had spoken to me like that in a hospice, gone to the GP, reported me to social services, whilst I was in the midst of caring for a terminally ill person and my husband had cancer, I just can't imagine what my reaction would be.

This woman is not only not being kind, she's actively malicious and ill-intentioned (whether through MH issues, dementia, personality disorder) and causing chaos- the Gp, social service and hospice staff and then the funeral staff all then have to waste time on her with her unjustified complaints- there's no evidence to support her claims whatsoever.

I would not only block her with one last text saying do not contact me again, I would report her if she continued that behaviour, to the hospice, funeral staff and so forth, and ultimately with the police if she kept it up. She is harassing you! I would tell her that as well.

Grief does not make you do these things, I sometimes wonder if people who say that have ever lost a close relative or the love of their life, it's not a thing! Grief might make you a bit grumpy, or depressed, or not yourself, but normally grief doesn't send you to start reporting relatives to social services unless you were the kind of person who did that already or it's triggered some type of nervous breakdown. Either way, it doesn't need to be indulged and it doesn't need kindness.

Be kind to yourself OP.

Why should they include someone who treats them like this

Well, if there was a chance she'd behave appropriately I can just about see that OP could ask her along and ignore her on the day, but after all OP knows her and we don't and she's been very clear that a deeply unpleasant scene's highly likely

Perhaps those who favour her coming along might consider why her feelings should count more than all the other mourners who'd have to witness this?

@Gilda152

I absolutely would not cut her out of the funeral.

I would let kindness take over.

It's her close friend and she will be in bits and may well be acting irrationally due to distress of losing her friend and being completely powerless to intervene in anyway. I know when our father was in hospital with Covid in the first wave, we as family we all tearing our hair out at not knowing enough, not knowing what to do, not being able to accept what was happening. We weren't at our best.

Cutting people out of their last opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one is, in my honest opinion, very very cruel.

She may well make a scene - it will be nothing that hasn't been seen before when people are helpless and in grief.

This is the most ridiculous thing I have read on this thread. Have you bothered to read the OPs updates? If you have and this is still your view there is something wrong with you. Why should the OP risk the upset at her MIL funeral just to he kind to someone that is clearly unhinged?

Funerals are obviously very stressful times and can throw up all sorts of unwanted problems for grieving families.

I'd just let the funeral directors handle it, if it comes to it, -- as others have said they will have experienced these kinds of difficulties before and will have the expertise, and, hopefully, tact to do so.
I'm so sorry you have this to deal with at this already sad time, OP, and wanted to say that you sound very kind and you have done your best in dealing with your DMIL's friend, in very trying circumstances.
I hope you have the best possible outcome.

Your own mil never invited her to group gatherings as she knew she couldn't be trusted to behave. A funeral is a group gathering and your own mil would likely not invite her

Yes, exactly this. Quite irrespective of her unpleasant accusations, and the horrible stress the OP and her DH are under, this woman can't be trusted to behave at a normal social gathering. Imagine the potential for disaster at an occasion which is stressful and sad even when it goes smoothly.

Please do not involve your MIL's GP again. You and your MIL's medical team are fully aware of her wishes and you are doing nothing wrong. Your MIL's medical history is private.

I would however speak to the hospice team about her behaviour. I would consider asking them not to allow her to visit.

The problem is that we all encounter truly toxic people in life, and it's much easier when we know them at a distance and can just refuse to engage; but toxic people have families, friends and social networks as well - and it can come as quite a jolt to accept that we are in some way strongly connected to them.

The mind plays tricks on us and we tell ourselves that, because somebody is related to us or a friend/acquaintance, that must automatically override their toxicity and vexatiousness to the soul. Unless they are a child, it most certainly doesn't.

You only deserve the respect, closeness and privileges of being family or friend through behaving like it. The whole sunken-cosy fallacy (on an emotional level) is strong - especially if it doesn;t manifest until years or decades later - but we sometimes have to accept that somebody's choice to act in a nasty, disrespectful way towards us is also a clear demonstration of their choice not to be treated with concern or respect or to deserve our continued presence in their lives.

Without wanting to be crass, if you had a dog for ten years who acted like a loving and faithful companion throughout - but then launched at you (or somebody else) and ripped your face to shreds - you would be forced to discount all of the good times and act quickly and appropriately, based on its attitude and behaviour now. The human equivalent of putting down a vicious pet is to block them right out of your life and move on.

I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them.
Understand your reasoning based on her behaviour but a funeral is about the person who will shortly no longer be with you, paying your respects and celebrating their life.
I would take a hunch and say it's unlikely she will make a scene at the funeral, the realisation of the day itself far outweighs the events leading up to it.
Your MIL will only have one funeral and I hope you won't have to see her again after that.
For the sake of your MIL, let it go.

Your DH has the right idea about her. She's deliberately misunderstanding EOL care and upsetting you both at a time when you need support to support your DM in her last days
As you cannot be sure that she would not cause a scene, has already had the opportunity to visit your DM in the hospice to say her goodbyes, and there's no mutual friends or neighbours who would pass on any funeral details (she'd have to contact you), I'd not give her the information about the funeral so that you can mourn in peace.

@AStar98

I think YABU excluding her from your MILs funeral. Don't be that person that makes someone else's funeral about them. Understand your reasoning based on her behaviour but a funeral is about the person who will shortly no longer be with you, paying your respects and celebrating their life. I would take a hunch and say it's unlikely she will make a scene at the funeral, the realisation of the day itself far outweighs the events leading up to it. Your MIL will only have one funeral and I hope you won't have to see her again after that. For the sake of your MIL, let it go.

Your hunch will be useless to OP when the day is ruined due to this 'friend'.