Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

A woman's name is HER name. If she changes her name on marriage it's still her name. If she chooses not to, it's her name. If she double-barrels then it's her name. If she changes her name by deed poll, it's her name.

What people saying it's so weird if a woman doesn't change her name when she gets divorced are actually saying is 'I believe that a woman's name is never really her own'. Imagine thinking an adult woman should go back to the surname her parents chose for her as a baby because you want to feel like you've won the man.

So bizarre. It's your name. It's been your name for almost 20 years. It's a common name. It's your children's name.

What if your maiden name had been the same as his (it happens) would she expect you to pick a new one?

My DH's ex still has his name. Doesn't bother me a jot. They were married for 17 years. It's been her name forever. I can't imagine for a second asking her to change it.

When we got married I actually kept my name. I've got a career under my name and I didn't want to lose that. When I apply for jobs etc I am Google-able and that would all vanish.

We (me and DH not me and ExW 😂) did consider both changing to a portmanteau when we married. But on balance he wanted to keep the same name as his kids (fair enough). Our child will be double barrelled so we both share her name.

Doesn't bother me in the slightest that he and I don't have the same name. And the fact she kept his didn't factor into any of the decision making.

If I didn't have a job where my name search history was useful / important I might have considered changing it (probably not but who knows). If I had changed when we married I wouldn't have minded that ExW has it too. 🤷🏼‍♀️

She's bananas.

I think you are being most unreasonable. You should immediately change your name. I suggest changing to HerFirstName YourAndExHSurname.

I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not.

I'd just reply "I don't intend to change my name, I want the same surname as DD". I don't think you're unreasonable at all - it's a weird request from Ex though.

Tell them no it's your name and your daughter's name and you're not going to change it.

Is Ms Insecure going to ask his mother to change her name too?

My mum kept her married name so that she had the same name as us. I'm so glad that she did too, I think I would have felt sad having a different name to my mum. She still has it now even at her age. No one has ever had a problem with this

I have been known was my married name for 27 years. I was only known by my maiden name for 18 years. My married name is my name, and has been for the majority of my life. It's what everyone I know in both a personal and professional capacity know me as. It's also the same last name my kids have. Even if I get remarried, I probably won't change it.

My ex was outraged at his ex keeping her married surname I was ambivalent tbh noq we are divorced he foes the same thing tells people I can't let go and I'm holding onto the name we have kids im not the babysitter I'm the mother I will keep my name at least until the last one turns 18 then decide him getting married again doesn't change my plans myname my choice

Say NO. What a cheek! It would involve a lot of trouble and some expense to you - filling in forms, new passport, driving licence , bank accounts, utilities etc

She's giving way too much thought to the surname of his first wife. Probably not a good sign.

How rude to ask! I would reply, saying ‘no-sorry, I have no plans to change my name.’

Completely unreasonable request. Non of her business and what a huge shame she’s so insecure.
My ex husbands wife made a request via him that we got our marriage annulled as we were not married in a church and she was catholic and it prevented her having a church wedding. I had two children with my ex husband and when we married we were in love, whilst the marriage didn’t work out, history couldn’t be rewritten to suit her narrative!! Honestly some people are bonkers!

Don't see the problem with you keeping the name, she's batshit. Read the tread to DH and he's of the same opinion. You carry on!

@Jennyfromthere

I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not.

You are bothered if you think it's a bit sad. The name is a part of her identity too, so why should she change it?

Thoosa jennyfromthere is referrring to me and TheformidableMRsC who both have owned up to getting a slight sense of pleasure from knowing that the OW who knowing helped to fuck up our marriages are slightly irked by the continuing "ownership" of the name. I have no problem with that at all and she is welcome to think its sad and childish if she likes. Its not ACTUALLY the reason for it. In my case, I had been married before and already done three name changes from maiden to married and back again and then married again. Bollocks was I doing it again, at that stage. Oh and I like the idea of a "First wives club" - do we get badges? Or hat? please can we have a hat? and a secret handshake??

Call his bluff by offering to change both your name and your DD’s back to your maiden name. He can’t really object if he thinks it’s ok for you to have a different name from DD. Obvs you don’t have to and YANBU to want to keep your name, but it’s something I may consider in these circumstances.

Flights on your own with the kids maybe but a simple note from the ex clarifying you're their mum solves it.

Simple note from the ex? So he would be granting his permission everytime you needed to travel? What if he was abusive or controlling or unavailable or didn’t fancy it that day.

Tell the new wife that his DM should probably change her name too.

This whole thing stinks of ownership, her of him, him of your identity, how she views being married. It’s not a title or a role to take over like Queen of England or Prime Minister. What a sad little person to need that to feel secure. He can change his name.

Very weird. Mine and my sister's maiden name was really common and boring. She married in her early 20s and her married name was a much more unusual nice sounding name and despite later divorcing she also kept the name. Her children having the same name was part of her reasoning but also she saw her maiden name as her childhood name and her married name as her adult name. I know plenty who have done the same. Her husband has since remarried (twice!) and so there are quite probably another two out there with the same name! Nobody owns a name!

@Volhhg

My mum kept her married name so that she had the same name as us. I'm so glad that she did too, I think I would have felt sad having a different name to my mum. She still has it now even at her age. No one has ever had a problem with this

I have a coworker whose parents just got divorced about 5 years ago. Coworker was 35 at the time. Her mom went back to her maiden name, and she has told me privately that she and her siblings are sad that they don't have the same last name as their mother anymore. They are all in their 30s and 40s now. It's clearly something that even some adults think about.

I would certainly care more about my kids' opinion than anyone else's.

@Notsureonusername

When you sign a register your legal name becomes that name in your case when you married. If the new wife to be does not want the same name as you get your exH to sign the register at their marriage in her name.

Wrong. When you sign a register the default legal position is that your own name remains your own name. If you want it to change, you have to take active steps to do this.

Dear Ex
I may be willing to change my name to X providing that dd also changes her surname to X at the same time to allow dd and myself to retain our shared family surname. I'll consider changing my name if you first complete the relevant application form and pay the fee for dd's official name change,.
Thanks
Ms Y

@Gorzabee - My friend isn't married to her partner of 30 years. Her children have their Father's surname and they hate the fact that their Mother does not also share that name.

I suspect there is more behind this as I have never come across kids who are bothered by that. I, and pretty much all the women in my social circle, didn't change name on marriage. The primary school my kids went to was similar - while some had changed surnames, most didn't. Secondary was the opposite.

Does she resent the fact she has a different surname and is passing on the message to the kids?

It’s fucking depressing just how many people think women don’t really have their own surnames, just names lent by men for as long as they see fit.

It’s not ‘his’ name, it’s OP’s name. The fact OP and her ex have the same surname means nothing. He gets no say on OP’s name.

I’m keeping my married name because it would be an absolute faff to change it again.

As for the new woman, she’s obviously paranoid. If I got together with and married someone else, I wouldn’t give a damm what his ex was called. I know some women choose to return to their maiden name, and that’s fine, but it’s perfectly normal not to do so.