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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
angieloumc · 16/02/2022 18:00

@Jennyfromthere

The first wives club is in full force. Not all second wives are the OW, and deliberately wanting to piss off the second wife for no apparent reason is sad and immature.
Well I was the second Mrs Mc and I can assure you that his first wife was not bothered by me, nor was I bothered by the next one. The only 'sad and immature' one was his next wife. Who now incidentally he's divorced from but has kept his name, as she has the right to.
Gorzabee · 16/02/2022 18:00

My friend isn't married to her partner of 30 years. Her children have their Father's surname and they hate the fact that their Mother does not also share that name.

I took Dh's name on marriage for a lot of reasons. Having had it for 20 plus years I wouldn't want to change it ever. It is who I am now. It is not his name though, he doesn't own it. He isn't the only one with it. There are several family members with this name and also, I imagine, a crap load of others.

He can always change his name to hers if she is that bothered.

JanetheObscure · 16/02/2022 18:00

Second wife here. DH's ex has kept her married name and I actually chose to keep my own name. So she's Mrs DH and I'm not! Our DD has DH's name, so we've always had different surnames and it's never been a problem.

Under no circumstances would I ever have expected/ asked DH's ex to change her name. Completely unreasonable. Tell your ex that you're having none of it.

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 18:01

@Jennyfromthere

The first wives club is in full force. Not all second wives are the OW, and deliberately wanting to piss off the second wife for no apparent reason is sad and immature.
I don't understand this response tbh. I'm a second partner I guess (not married) but wouldn't in a million years ask his ex wife to change her name. It's nothing to do with the first or second wife...
OP posts:
JuergenSchwarzwald · 16/02/2022 18:01

OP it is perfectly reasonable for you to keep the same name as your daughter.

Of course, you could respond with "yes I'll swap back to my maiden name if you agree for dd to do the same as I want the same surname as her".

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/02/2022 18:01

Couldn't be arse to change back to maiden name.

ForeverSingle881 · 16/02/2022 18:01

What a crackpot idea. She's been smoking something to even suggest that. Nope, no way. It's your name, end of story. You have a child with that name too. If she doesn't like it, she shouldn't marry a man with an ex wife and a child.

Crimesean · 16/02/2022 18:02

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Give him 3 options

A - she gets over it and you all 3 and your daughter have the same last name

b - he takes her name so they match but he will no longer have the same last name as his daughter

C - you change your name back but you change your daughters at the same time either to yours or double barrelled

This, except leave off the double barrelled option, it's a pain in the arse when it comes to filling put forms.
Gnomechange · 16/02/2022 18:02

YANBU, maybe suggest that you will change it to your maiden name but the you will have to change the kids names as well. I imagine his response would not be positive!

Changing your name is a massive hassle, I definitely would not do it!

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 18:02

It’s a differing opinion, interesting you call it nonsense because it’s different from the norm.

Why the random reference to OW?
Why do you think anyone keeping their own legal name (on marriage, on divorce, at any time ever) would ever be done to annoy another person? How is a non-action a provocation?
You’re really not making sense.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/02/2022 18:02

@doodleygirl

I would tell your ex, that’s fine as long as he is happy for DD name to change as well, as you want to have the same name as your DD. If he is unhappy with this ask him to use her name. See how quickly he backs down,
This...

Say you are only happy as long as you have the SAME name as yohr daughter.

And THEY should facilitate it... Pay for a concierge company to contact all the many kany companies, and pay for official documentation.

They are being completely egocentric... All about what THEY want and is convenient to THEM.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/02/2022 18:02

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it
More fool you then for not giving your children your name!
JuergenSchwarzwald · 16/02/2022 18:03

Each to their own I guess and I can totally understand why people don't change their name. A few of my friends haven't. I just don't see any reason why I need to change it back if you see what I mean

My mum did change her name back but if DH and I split up I probably wouldn't because his name is nicer than mine. Although I suppose I could take my mum's surname too Grin (DS is adult so don't need to worry about having the same name as him).

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 18:03

Stupid. I've kept my surname as it's the same as my DC. It also goes better with my first name than my maiden name did and I like how it sounds. If my ex or his girlfriend had a problem with it down the line I wouldn't be entertaining any requests to change it.

HelloKeith · 16/02/2022 18:03

It's not Highlander. There can be more than one.

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2022 18:04

Everyone I know who divorced and had kids have kept their husbands names 🤷‍♀️. I would prefer to keep the same surname as my childrens.
Even if I divorced now after 20 odd years of marriage I would probably keep my married name

Hippee · 16/02/2022 18:04

@Jennyfromthere

I always find it a bit sad that exes want to keep their married names and use the kids as the excuse.
My friend remarried and wanted to keep the surname as her DC had it - both she and her new DH double-barrelled with her ex-DH's surname. Not an "excuse" - and I am so impressed with her DH2 for agreeing.
Yuppie20 · 16/02/2022 18:04

Aside from the obvious of just not wanting too and having the same name as your daughter, it's expensive! You have to order a new passport, driving license. Change bank accounts/ bills/ rent or mortgage etc etc. All the time that would take as well. Sod that. CFs

Googoogachoo · 16/02/2022 18:04

What a pair of pillocks! It would have to be a firm ‘no’ and a ‘don’t be ridiculous’

GabriellaMontez · 16/02/2022 18:04

@mrsbitaly

How about you say yes as long as you can change your child's name to your maiden name - lighthearted
This seems reasonable. I'm sure he won't mind having a different name to his dc.
Hankunamatata · 16/02/2022 18:04

@HelloKeith

It's not Highlander. There can be more than one.
😂😂😂😂
Pudmyboy · 16/02/2022 18:04

It's not like in the old days when women were referred to by the whole of the husband's name eg 'Mrs Henry Smith'. Especially as you say it's a reasonably abundant surname, and you are Ms rather than Mrs, and he could take her name..... YANBU!

Maflingo · 16/02/2022 18:05

How bizarre of her to assume you should change your name!!
My DH’s ex-wife has chosen to keep his surname, presumably for all the reasons mentioned above.
I chose to keep my surname when we married. His DC with his ex have his surname, his DC with me have my surname.
No issues here with schools/travelling etc, nor do the kids feel any differently about each other as a result of their last names, I think they barely notice that they are different!

Lesperance · 16/02/2022 18:05

@Jennyfromthere

I always find it a bit sad that exes want to keep their married names and use the kids as the excuse.
Why? As somebody who hasn't changed a name, I couldn't care less. I guess you changed yours otherwise why would you care? Most people are pretty lazy or else don't want the hassle of having a different name from their child. It's not a big deal.
WutheringHeights66 · 16/02/2022 18:05

She’s bonkers don’t change it. If I got divorced tomorrow I would keep my married name and it’s shit as is my maiden name but it’s my childrens name, even if they’re all adults and may change their own names but more to the point I have been my married name as long as my maiden name and tbh I simply can’t be arsed with all the admin an vs potential credit rating change.

Tell them to get fucked.