Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

I've kept my married name even though I've been divorced for years. I don't want to change, it's my legal surname.

OP, I wouldn't even engage with this nonsense.

@Jennyfromthere I'm not all 'first wives club' I just think it's batshit that someone would genuinely get upset by the 1st ex wife continuing to use a surname they have been known by for donkeys years.

I mean I'm on my third marriage. If I get divorced again, apart from it being an expensive lesson, I don't think I could be arsed to change my surname again and we don't have kids together.

Oh my god. Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. No don't.

@mikeyboo

It’s fucking depressing just how many people think women don’t really have their own surnames, just names lent by men for as long as they see fit.

It’s not ‘his’ name, it’s OP’s name. The fact OP and her ex have the same surname means nothing. He gets no say on OP’s name.

And that if they keep the married name after divorce, it must be because they're trying to cling on to their married identity. What a strange way to look at it 🤦🏻‍♀️

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.

Wonder how my ex husbands 7th wife feels about this? Pretty sure the previous 6 have kept the married name. I know I did cos my actual maiden name is appalling. I also kept it so kids and me would have same name, and because I've had my married name longer than other names.

How about you will change it if you can also change your dd to match?

You are being a bit unreasonable not to see her point of view. However I can see the logic in keeping the same surname yourself as it's the same as your daughters....but one day your daughters surname will change. How will you feel about it then?

I'd say ok, fair enough. You pay all the costs and the deal is our daughter's name is also legally changed to my maiden name at the same time.

Missing the point but- when you say his partner, are they married?

It's really none of the new partner/spouse's business.

To all the would be second wives: Sorry but you ARE the second Mrs xxxx - why.so insecure? What you gonna do when the third Mrs xxxx makes the same request?🤞

Anyone who thinks the new partner is reasonable asking OP to do this is off their rocker.

She is evidently bonkers.

I think your Ex DH has got his work cut out!

@justustwoandmoo does she have the same first 🧐name, if not then don’t see the problem.

However @Pr1mr0se does have a valid point 🤔

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

I maybe projecting as I find that MN is full of first wives who are very bitter towards the second wife, but that’s more from a step parenting perspective.

Sorry to de rail, I’ll keep my nose out now.

@Jennyfromthere

I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not.

It’s her current identity. Honestly you must be on a leg pulling mission. Surely no grown adult thinks like this? 😂

So many people keep, change, double barrel names now. Take step parents names. Take their mothers’ names. Meld names to make portmanteaus. This isn’t the 1950s. People do whatever suits them.

I have my exs surname as does Ds..

We don't see exh.. its our name now.. not his.. it is our family name. My parents were abusive i have no idea desire to revert to their name.

I'd go with If she's that upset DEx, perhaps you could change your surname to hers or you can sign to say DD can take my maiden name?

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash
I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name it isn't his name, it's OPs. He has it too. As does their daughter. And lots of other people. Is the new wife to be asking his Mom not to be Mrs Davies because its HER name now? No.
I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name. unless she refers to herself as Mrs Jason Briggs, she's not using his name. If she's Ms Amanda Briggs, it's HER name. You have the man, why should you care how many other people have the same surname.

@HirplesWithHaggis

Do you use the title "Mrs"? Maybe you could change that to "Ms" and it would keep her happy without you needing to do tedious admin.

Don't even bother doing this nonsense

“but one day your daughters surname will change. How will you feel about it then?”

Not necessarily - so many women are keeping their maiden names nowadays. I’m married and have DC with my husband as well as from a previous relationship - DC and I all have my maiden name as the only surname, and their fathers’ surnames as a middle name.

@Jennyfromthere

I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not.

Oh dear you clearly are bothered by it. It's not her married identity, it's just her name. My XH's first wife kept her married name till she married again, I didn't care, their DC had the same name. His 3rd wife was very upset that I kept the name after we divorced, her problem.

I'm dh's 3rd wife so there have been three of us with the same surname, nobody minded but it did cause confussion the first time I arranged a home delivery from Iceland. The 2nd mrs hut had hers delivered in the same town and oddly enough we all shared the same inital

@T00Ts totally agree. My jaw is on the floor with anyone that thinks this request is even slightly reasonable.

@WeirdlyKind

No, she's the one being weird about it imo! There must be thousands of people with the same name. Changing yours may also have practical consequences for travel and such (ime some countries are weird about people travelling with kids who don't have the same surname!)

Depends on the surname. I'm literally the only person in the world (afaik) with my combination of names, and there are fewer than fifty of the surname in the UK (name is not of UK origin).

My return message would be unequivocal:

"What a ridiculous request. Bugger off!"

@Jennyfromthere

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

I maybe projecting as I find that MN is full of first wives who are very bitter towards the second wife, but that’s more from a step parenting perspective.

Sorry to de rail, I’ll keep my nose out now.

Yeah. You seem real mellow.

Why do you think your husband’s first wife hasn’t changed her name to piss you off? It’s her name..? Why should she change it? What does it have to do with you?