Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

Don’t change it if you don’t want to - that’s your choice. However, if you do agree, make sure they pay all fees (I couldn’t believe how much it was to change passport and driving license!)

She's majorly insecure.

Say no for the very reasons you state. Your not being unreasonable in the slightest.

These name threads are predictably nuts. Women's names are NOT on loan to us from a man!

As far as the OP's situation is concerned it's a case of stable door closed with the horse long bolted. But if people didn't persist in this ludicrous custom of discarding their own identities because they happen to be legally committing to one partner, then this kind of problem simply wouldn't arise.

@theleafandnotthetree

What is the obsession with having the same surname as your children? It didn't even occur to me to change my name when I got married so there was nothing to 'do' when we seperated. I can't really remember any scenario where having different surnames mattered a damn beyond a quick one line clarification. Flights on your own with the kids maybe but a simple note from the ex clarifying you're their mum solves it. Everything I have achieved in my life, every job, every qualificayion, every publication is in the same name from birth to now. I can't know how anyone would want anything different apart from a few short years of early childhood when it might, might, be slightly confusjng

Each to their own I guess and I can totally understand why people don't change their name. A few of my friends haven't. I just don't see any reason why I need to change it back if you see what I mean?

@Jennyfromthere

I always find it a bit sad that exes want to keep their married names and use the kids as the excuse.

OR its a genuine reason for all the many reasons outlined on here. Its not an excuse its a REASON. My kids would be really upset if deliberately changed it to be different from them. Interestingly, my ex has a stepchild who has their father's name and he is now the only one in that household who doesn't have the surname common to my ex, his second wife (who changed her name on marriage)and my kids. He doesn't like it and feels left out.

Also, like formidableMrsC (waves) it pisses off the 2nd wife who was OW and is massively insecure so ha! Quite happy to own that.

I probably wouldn’t respond initially but if he brings it up again I’d look a bit confused and the say, “ hang on, she wants the same name as my DD but she wants dd to have a different name to her mum, just to keep her happy? Is she having a laugh or what? Don’t be so ridiculous ( you pair of loons)

I might leave the brackets bit out but Ii might not depending on how I was feeling?

@steff13

The cheek of it!

My Ex’s 2nd wife even had the same first name as me but it wouldn’t have entered my head to change my name. It’s mine and I don’t want to change it back

The first wives club is in full force.
Not all second wives are the OW, and deliberately wanting to piss off the second wife for no apparent reason is sad and immature.

I'd reply 'No backsies' and include a wedding photo
Best answer!😂😂😂

I think the moment where he didn't insist that your child had both your birth surname and his surname was the moment he lost any right to have a say about what you call yourself. You stick with whatever name suits you and pay no attention to this insecure couple.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash, I really can't understand why you would be pissed off.

Do you feel that the Ex wife would be doing it to keep a link to your partner? Not trying to be goady but genuinely seek to understand. I have changed my name (for all documents) but for business it remains as it was as way too awkward to change it.

I can assure you no attempts to remain connected to Ex H.

The new partner wants her husband’s surname: reasonable.

You want the same surname as your daughter: reasonable.

It’s not his property.

My DH’s ex dislikes that I have the same surname as her children and she doesn’t (they were never married), and even though it’s very amicable between them she mentions it a lot and talks about how much it annoys her. So in your position I really wouldn’t change it.

@TheHaka

I wouldn’t want to keep the name of an ex, & I’ve always wondered why women do this. Perhaps they don’t want to go back to being a Miss. You took his name when you got married, you are no longer married so not your name now.

That's silly, of course it's her name now. You can legally change your name to anything and no-one is under any obligation to go back to their maiden name.

I couldn't be bothered to change my name when I got married in 20's with only the hassle of a few accounts/paperwork to update. No way would I bother to do it decades later with all the hassle of extra stuff to update (all the parent guardian stuff to kids clubs, gp...). And why - because of a random whim of someone else. I'd be politer than I am here. But...no way. Sorry too much to ask.

It is best to keep your name the same as your child and doesn’t impact the new wife in any way so I don’t see the issue.

Not posting nonsense to goad are we @Jennyfromthere ? 😏

I would t want an ex’s name. I would be tempted to change dds name to my maiden name and FH agrees or keep the ex’s name.

@Thoosa

Not posting nonsense to goad are we *@Jennyfromthere* ? 😏

It’s a differing opinion, interesting you call it nonsense because it’s different from the norm.

She needs to get a grip to be honest. DH's ExW has his surname still and I totally get it's a pain in the arse changing it.

It's a name, one that literally millions of people have. YANBU.

I wouldn't even respond tbh.

@notacooldad exactly.

Crazy woman wants to have the same name as the DD, but for OP to have a different name from her own DD. So the only solution is for DD and OP to change to OP's maiden name....or for ex and wife #2 to stop being so stupid.

YANBU deffo

If you didn't have kids with your ex I'd say it was weird not to change it. But you do and I can see why you want to keep the same name as the kids.

My husbands ex wife never changed her back to her maiden name and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. She's being weird.

When you sign a register your legal name becomes that name in your case when you married. If the new wife to be does not want the same name as you get your exH to sign the register at their marriage in her name.