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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
JeffThePilot · 17/02/2022 11:08

@SexyLittleNosferatu

I suspect for some people, like me, they may have hated their maiden name

Hated it but could only think of one single way to change it and that was to marry a man?

This was me. I knew if I’d have changed by deed poll my parents would be very distressed, and I didn’t want to do that to them. Instead I bore the ugly name until I married a man with a much nicer name, so I took the opportunity to change without upset or conflict.
Sally872 · 17/02/2022 11:09

Perfect response to their reply op. Hopefully that is the end of it. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 17/02/2022 11:10

I would love to ditch exh's surname but for all the reasons mentioned I'll be keeping it even if I remarry. My kids ask me if I'm going to change my surname sometimes (I suspect exh has said something in their hearing) and asked if they could change theirs. I said I'd be happy to do that but that daddy would need to agree to it. I haven't heard about it since. I suspect they fed back to him and he didn't like the idea of not having the same name as his children. Funny that.

I really hate being this surname though. It's ugly, frequently misheard and misspelt but fuck it, it's mine and I'm stuck with it. I'd probably choose a completely random one if I ever changed it though, rather than revert to my very boring maiden name to which I have no real connection now.

QuirkyTurtle · 17/02/2022 11:10

I don't agree that OP should change her name. It's her name now and she can do what she wants with it.

I grew up in a country where it's unusual (close to impossible) for a woman to take their husband's name. My mother has never had the same surname as me and I never thought anything of it. It doesn't cause the issues (traveling etc, whatever) that people seem to think it causes.

I wish it wasn't so normalised in the UK but I understand why it is.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 11:16

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Opus17 · 17/02/2022 11:16

Good for you, op. People saying "oh but you're not married anymore blah blah" are failing to see it isn't about marriage but about your child. Perfectly reasonable to keep the name.
The new wife needs to get over herself.

lunar1 · 17/02/2022 11:17

There is absolutely nothing stopping the ex taking his new wife's name.

I can't believe the number of posters who think the op and her child should change their name if they don't want to.

A name isn't a loan, and the only person who gets an opinion is the person who carries the name-however they took it.

Namechange8787 · 17/02/2022 11:18

People might not agree with what i'm about to say....

I think your focus should be on keeping an amicable relationship between your ex, his new wife and yourself, for your daughters sake.

If it's important to her, it's important to her, there's nothing you can really do about that. People all have their quirks.

If it were me, I'd say ok. I will change my name back from Davies to Smith, but I'd explain that what is important to me is that my daughter and I share a last name, so in doing so, I'd either like I'd like to also change my daughters name to be double barrelled to Smith-Davies or Davies-Smith, whichever she likes the sound of the best! :).

Hopefully then, everyone is happy.

HappyDays40 · 17/02/2022 11:20

Well they sound equally as stupid as each other.

smallestwhale · 17/02/2022 11:21

God, if he thinks this is in anyway a sane or reasonable request, I can see why you divorced him.

And her! I'm embarrassed for her for showing she even cares about this!

If they need to piss-mark their territory that badly, they can share her surname.

Namechange8787 · 17/02/2022 11:21

FWIW my mum always said she would keep her old married name until we kids were 18 UNLESS my dad re-married, which he never did. She thought it was weird for there to be two 'Mrs Roberts'. As soon as we were 18/not in school anymore, she changed back to her maiden name and adopted Ms. instead of Mrs, which I believe is quite common.

I think had my dad got married again, she would have asked myself and my siblings what we would like to do with our own names. I personally wouldn't have changed mine.

sueelleker · 17/02/2022 11:22

Not quite the same, as I'm recently widowed, not divorced; but I married at 21 and was married for 46 years. I simply don't feel like [maiden name] any more.

sandgrown · 17/02/2022 11:22

I have been divorced 35 years and still use my old married name despite having had a long term partner. I kept it to be the same as my children and because his new wife ( the OW) hates me having the same name

GildedAgePup · 17/02/2022 11:22

Ha!

No.
It's your name. Don't even get drawn into a conversation. Ignore their 'request' as it's so rude and unkind. And childish.

Vampiremockumentary · 17/02/2022 11:23

@Namechange8787

People might not agree with what i'm about to say....

I think your focus should be on keeping an amicable relationship between your ex, his new wife and yourself, for your daughters sake.

If it's important to her, it's important to her, there's nothing you can really do about that. People all have their quirks.

If it were me, I'd say ok. I will change my name back from Davies to Smith, but I'd explain that what is important to me is that my daughter and I share a last name, so in doing so, I'd either like I'd like to also change my daughters name to be double barrelled to Smith-Davies or Davies-Smith, whichever she likes the sound of the best! :).

Hopefully then, everyone is happy.

Well I don't, for one.
LadyPropane · 17/02/2022 11:24

I hate the idea that she has "taken" his name, and now she ought to give it back?! She changed her name when she got married. Her name is what it is. It's hers. Nobody owns a name, and nobody has the right to ask someone else to change their name. It's entirely her choice whether or not she chooses to change it again, and it's embarrassingly inappropriate and massively overstepping for her ex husband and his new partner to ask her to change it for their own preference.
The whole thing is fucking weird and I'm impressed that you've been as calm in your responses as you state here.

I'd be deeply offended by this and find it very difficult not to tell him to fuck off.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 11:26

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TigerLilyTail · 17/02/2022 11:26

They can always do a hyphen surname, if they want, but obviously they can't make you change your name.

Jamnation · 17/02/2022 11:33

A very restrained reply OP, good on you. I'd be so tempted to get something in about him changing his if he likes, and it would be v unhelpful.

I don't think it's too awful of them to ask, nicely, once, but now they need to accept your answer.

EveryAvenue · 17/02/2022 11:34

If he messages back I would simply say

“I am sorry you both feel that way. Alternatively maybe you changing your surname to DP’s will be an option. I don’t wish to have a different surname to DD and that will cause unnecessary fuss in the future. If I did decide to revert back to my maiden name, DDs surname would be changing also and I don’t wish to do that to her at the age of 10.”

Don’t do it OP. My Mum had a different surname to me growing up and going on holiday etc was a fucking nightmare especially once my stepdad was involved because we all had different surnames. She got questioned by security all the time and had to bring a letter from my Dad saying she had his permission. Once she got married and had the same name as my siblings she was never questioned on what she was doing with them when my stepdad wasn’t there.

Lorw · 17/02/2022 11:34

Ignore OP, none of their business, it’s your name and your identity 😁 even if you didn’t get married you could have changed your last name to the same as your daughters and he wouldn’t have had a say in that so.

I always wonder about one of my step children who’s mum is getting married soon and has other children, they are all going to have the same last name and he’s going to be the odd one out so wonder if that would upset a child?

buddylicious · 17/02/2022 11:38

I'd send him a nice message along the following lines to make him think (and call his bluff):

As her mum, it's important you have the same name as your daughter. Therefore, if it helps, you'd be happy to change both your daughter's surname and your own to your maiden name.

Alternatively suggest that the easiest thing may be to change his surname to his partner's surname and that, if he does this, you're happy to sit down with your daughter to explain the situation.

brightspice · 17/02/2022 11:39

This is such a good question and a really simple one to answer.

You get to decide if you're being unreasonable. That's it. You also get to decide what name you want.

This doesn't have anything to do with you acting selfishly towards anyone, least of all your Ex's new partner, because what you do really has nothing to do with what she's feeling.

She believes she'd feel more comfortable if you changed your name, but this is all about the thoughts she's having about why you didn't change your name, what this possibly means with regard to her not being good enough... all of it.

We think that what happens in the world causes the way we feel when in fact it's how we interpret and react to external circumstances (in this instance your not having changed your name) that affects our thoughts and actions.

Hope this is helpful.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 11:42

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Mix56 · 17/02/2022 11:44

Its not really about "his name", its about identity, how you are known to the neighbours, the schools, the professionals you work with.
It involves changing certificates, or needing to carry around your divorce certificate & explaining ad nauseam your marital status.
When you created DD, it was the "family" identity.
You will not be spending literally weeks, & paying & fortune to get all your ID/drivers license, electoral role/other only to find the the next 10 years your mail is still coming through as Mrs Davies occasionally.
You are sorry the new wife is jealous, but you suggest she adds a hyphenated maiden- Davies, or alternatively,
I can Mrs Davie"s I, & she can be Mrs Davies II (hahahaha)