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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 17/02/2022 10:39

@TuscanApothecary

I don't see it as her name. If you took your husbands name then it's still your husbands name imo.

The misogyny really is the taking his name in the first place to display that you belong to him. When you're divorced you don't belong to him anymore.

She wants to keep the name so she and her child have the same surname
Waspie · 17/02/2022 10:42

I'd tell him that if they want the same name perhaps he should become Mr NewWife rather than her become Mrs Husband.

Other than that I'd just go with the "Is it 1st April"? comment as previously suggested.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:43

@TuscanApothecary

I don't see it as her name. If you took your husbands name then it's still your husbands name imo.

The misogyny really is the taking his name in the first place to display that you belong to him. When you're divorced you don't belong to him anymore.

Changing your name upon marriage is, let's face it, not a feminist choice.

But there is no need to double down on that by changing your name again, at the same man's behest, now you are no longer married to him and he wants another woman to change her name to his.

Let him take his new wife's name if he feels that strongly about it.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 10:43

@Vanillarose1 What are you talking about? It's her family name. Her, and her children. It's her family name and belongs to her.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 17/02/2022 10:43

It's a family name and if you are no longer part of his family, the name should change. However I would also change my children's names too.

So...name changing and taking a man's name really IS the patriarchy.

Blows out of the water all those posts that say 'it's just a name' and it isn't a feminist issue etc....we can see it very much IS. Men have the name that names the clan members, women adopt the name to become part of the family and must leave the name behind if no longer married to the alpha-namer.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:44

It's a family name and if you are no longer part of his family, the name should change. However I would also change my children's names too.

What if the children don't want to change their names?

What if her ex husband won't agree to change them?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 17/02/2022 10:45

"Changing your name upon marriage is, let's face it, not a feminist choice.

But there is no need to double down on that by changing your name again, at the same man's behest, now you are no longer married to him and he wants another woman to change her name to his.

Let him take his new wife's name if he feels that strongly about it".

This.

Bets on the chances of him changing his name to that of his new wife?

HoppingPavlova · 17/02/2022 10:45

I think it’s absolutely fine to have a different surname to the kids as long as it’s been like that since birth and how they have grown up and experienced it so far. However, to change to a different one from them when they have only ever known them to have the same as you is not fair on them.

I do not have the same surname as my kids, and nor does DH by the way, we made theirs up using letters from both our surnamesGrin. They all have the same surname though, which is extremely important to them. They grew up with this as their normal, but if we had the same and my ex DH asked me to change it as their new wife to be was obviously insecure with the emotional maturity of a 12yo, I’d tell him to do one quick smart as it’s not fair on the kids at that point.

I did know a woman who went into a marriage with a child, they had the same surname, she got remarried and took new husbands name, had further kids and that poor child was the odd man out with a different surname. They didn’t see their bio father so had absolutely no link by name to anyone in their family, not parent, step parent or siblings. The child hated it and openly expressed that. I asked her what possessed her to do this given she knew the result would be her child feeling like this and her response was that she knew taking new husbands name would get right up the ex-wife’s nose. So it would seem that some second wives are that insecure about their place as subsequent wife!

diddl · 17/02/2022 10:45

"It's between a married couple"

GrinGrinGrin

What a pathetic arse!

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:46

It is common convention and tradition to keep the name in divorce. That's been the convention for decades and decades

Migraine Have you read my and other comments refuting this in many areas? You really are getting so worked up and ignoring all other reasonable points people are making.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:47

The misogyny really is the taking his name in the first place to display that you belong to him. When you're divorced you don't belong to him anymore

Absolutely this. I've never wanted to be owned by anyone.

Classica · 17/02/2022 10:48

It's fine if a woman wants to keep her name after a divorce, it's also fine if she wants to revert to her birth name. What's absolutely not fine is for a committee of people i.e. ex husband and his new wife, to try and dictate this for her.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:48

@diddl

"It's between a married couple"

GrinGrinGrin

What a pathetic arse!

Yeah. Is he married to all the women in the world whose surname is Davies?

No.

MsVanDeKamp · 17/02/2022 10:49

It's a family name and if you are no longer part of his family, the name should change. However I would also change my children's names too.

oooh this!! i would tell him you will change your name if your children agree to change theirs too, as why should he be the only one of you with their surname. he may soon change his mind

Ozanj · 17/02/2022 10:49

In this position I’d put in a counter offer to change DD’s surname to your maiden name so you both have the same surname. If he rejects it out of hand then he can piss off.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 10:51

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Gilda152 · 17/02/2022 10:51

I'm sure my exh's next wife (now divorced) mentioned something like this as well. I laughed and I laughed...

Funnily enough I don't see her reverting to her maiden name following her divorce from him either and probably for the same reason as me - we have the same surname as our children.

I'm remarried and still use my previous married name tbh (same as my daughters) - husband isn't overly bothered and I cba changing all my documents.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:52

@Ozanj

In this position I’d put in a counter offer to change DD’s surname to your maiden name so you both have the same surname. If he rejects it out of hand then he can piss off.
Does their DD get any say in the matter?
Glitterygreen · 17/02/2022 10:55

I think it's a tough one tbh, I can see both sides.

Can totally see why you want to keep the same name as your daughter, but equally can see why new partner is not comfortable. I will never change my name to my DP's if we marry and part of that is because his ex still uses it.

But it isn't his name? You don't own a name do you? It doesn't transfer from one person to the other. I don't want a different surname to my daughter.

Tbf though it does transfer from one person to another as that's how you got it?! You took it on when you married him, it's not like you coincidentally just had the same name when you met.

Classica · 17/02/2022 10:55

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@Puffalicious

It is most certainly internalised misogyny. The idea that women only borrow names that really belong to men and that they should be given back.

I despise that women were once chattels and refused to bow to tradition 25 years ago - I also gave dc my name despite marriage. I encourage all women to keep their own names. However, those that choose to change owe nothing to their former husbands as the name is equally theirs. For any poster to suggest otherwise is misogynistic.[/quote]
I agree completely with all of this.

Usernumber5253747293 · 17/02/2022 10:56

They have no right to tell you what to do. Personally I wouldn't want to keep ex husbands name, but I can understand why you do, if you want the same name as your child.

She needs to get over it. Plenty of people keep their ex husbands name then ex husband goes on to re marry! Pretty common actually!

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:58

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Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

Chocolatehamper · 17/02/2022 11:03

If he pushes the point, tell him to get her to hyphenate her maiden name to his surname as she is the one with the problem, not you!

Why should your daughter - who's opinion and identity matters more than any adults - have to try to understand why her mother no longer identifies with the same name as her? In any divorce, no matter how amicable, the children have the most discord to deal with.

Tell your ex to consider his daughter not pander to his fiancee.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 11:05

@Chocolatehamper

If he pushes the point, tell him to get her to hyphenate her maiden name to his surname as she is the one with the problem, not you!

Why should your daughter - who's opinion and identity matters more than any adults - have to try to understand why her mother no longer identifies with the same name as her? In any divorce, no matter how amicable, the children have the most discord to deal with.

Tell your ex to consider his daughter not pander to his fiancee.

*Why should your daughter - who's opinion and identity matters more than any adults - have to try to understand why her mother no longer identifies with the same name as her? In any divorce, no matter how amicable, the children have the most discord to deal with.

Tell your ex to consider his daughter not pander to his fiancee.*

Very good point!