Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

@Hiyawotcha

The “between a married couple” thing is batshit.

The use of his surname isn’t some golden prize to be won - it’s just a name, and has been your name now for almost as long as your original one.

My mum and dad divorced after 25 yrs of marriage. I don’t think it ever occurred to her or him that she should change the name she had had for so long. And my stepmother had no issues whatsoever as far as I know with it - she’s lovely and not precious about that sort of nonsense at all.

If I got divorced I would have to really think about changing the name - whether I could be bothered. I might I suppose, as I do with hindsight regret changing it and I miss the brevity of my maiden name - had a much better signature. But it would only be if it suited me, not to assuage the insecurities of the whoever follows me.

Exactly. My mother has my fathers surname still. She couldn’t be arsed changing it and also prefers to have the same as her kids. My step mother is absolutely batshit crazy but even she doesn’t care. For that matter, half the time my step mother still uses her late husband’s surname because that’s what her kids have, and my dad doesn’t care about that either.

Maybe in ten years OP and the soon to be MrsOPhusband will both have choosen new names and Mr OPhusband won’t have any matching Mrs 😂

[quote Brightandyoung]**@Pennox* and @Puffalicious*

I think this is down to personal preference. For many women having a different surname to their kids doesn’t sit well with them.[/quote]
I totally understand this. I just think it’s important to point out that there are also lots of women who either don’t care or very actively want to keep the name they were born with. This was far more important to me than having the same name as my kids, which I could have insisted upon. I also think it’s important to hear from those women as to whether it causes issues having a different surname from your children and my experience is that it causes zero issues, and that seems to be what other women in the same position are reporting here too.

All of which only strengthens that it is personal choice and OP should keep her married surname if she wants to. It just makes me uneasy when ‘kids logistics’ is bought into it as I don’t think that’s a valid reason to give any knobhead ex husband for it. It’s not about that, it’s about her choice.

Having a different surname to your DC can cause issues when travelling.
I didn’t change to marital name of passport. A few years back I was stopped in a Florida airport and had to prove he was my son!! Luckily I took our birth certificate.
My passport is now in my marital name

@Womencanlift

Oh I completely agree *@babyjellyfish*. It was just a suggestion to the OP to give to her completely removed from reality Ex as an explanation as to why she doesn’t want to change it

You're more conciliatory than me.

She doesn't need to explain herself!

@Repetitivebeats

Why is it 'much better' to have the same surname as your kids? I have a different surname to mine and it doesn't cause any issues whatsoever!? None

Agreed. I completely understand and respect why people would want to have the same surname as their kids but I've been a parent for 14 years and never had the same name as mine and it's never, not once, been an issue. Sometimes (rarely), I'll get called "Mrs DS's lastname" which just needs a "oh, it's Ms Mylastname actually, or you can call me Firstname" Job done. I've found schools are really good with things like this and whenever I get a call from school I'm always called by my name. Booking medical stuff is always done under my DS's name - no one asks what I'm called! Travelling has never been an issue.
I've got a new partner now so there's three of us in the house with three different surnames. I've just booked a holiday and bought family travel insurance for us with no problem.

I'd love all these people who say it causes logistical nightmares to have a different name from your kids, because I've never had them.

Anyway, back to the point. OP, it's your decision what you call yourself. Keep your name if you want to, they're being completely unreasonable to ask this!

Funny isn't it, how the majority of posters claiming it's such a ball ache to have different surnames to their dc are those who have chosen to change their names on marriage.

There was one secretary in the secondary school my kids went to who seemed to take it as a personal insult that I had a different surname to my dc. Despite the form for each child having my full name and their father's full name listed, she registered me on the system as Mrs Myname DHSurname. I had to get her to change it for each of them as the system had a separate record for each child. This woman had no idea whether I am married or not, which made her choices even more bizarre.

If I spoke to her on the phone, I would tell her my name and the name of the dc I was phoning about. She would then call me Mrs DCSurname. Really weird.

But yeah, that's the only issue I have ever had. Thankfully, she retired a few years in to their secondary school attendance.

Personally, I think it is wierd that women who divorce would want to keep the sane surname as their ex. It's not your name, it's his, that you got because you were married to him.

Having different surname to your children is no big deal and what most expect when dealing with kids of divorced parents.

To me, it feels like hanging on to the marriage.

Saying that, if it's a common name, it's much less intrusive than in the case of a rare names when it jumps out.

Beyond ridiculous. My DF is on marriage number 4 and all his exes (who all hate him due to adultery and 50% of them were the OW), all are still MrsDFsSurname. All my siblings from these marriages are same surname as well. Nobody has an issue.

I know a fella who's second wife didn't like his name so they took hers. His 3rd wife now has 2nd wife's name.

I also know a fella who double barred his name when married to make it more interesting. Presumably his next wife will have the double barrelled 1st wife's name also!

At my FIL funeral all his wives turned up and there were 4 MrsMiggins there. Nobody minded though, so there was no drama about it.

Sometimes men come with a history. Sometimes women do too. It's really best to make sure you can handle that knowledge before getting to nuptials.

As you've got a DD I definitely wouldn't change names - how would your DD react to you no longer having the same name as her? As a 10 year old I suspect she wouldn't like it either Pure supposition. My DC were non-plussed about if all: mummy has always had her own name, different from ours, so what? Kids accept things if they're explained and not dramatised. I've married twice, have always kept my name and my DC have different names than me- shock, horror!

@vivainsomnia

Personally, I think it is wierd that women who divorce would want to keep the sane surname as their ex. It's not your name, it's his, that you got because you were married to him.

Having different surname to your children is no big deal and what most expect when dealing with kids of divorced parents.

To me, it feels like hanging on to the marriage.

Saying that, if it's a common name, it's much less intrusive than in the case of a rare names when it jumps out.

Why is it not her name?

@Notahandmaid

I also like the way that Iceland do surnames. No name changing on marriage and girls get called 'dottir' and boys get called 'son'.

So Jane and Sven's daughter would be Janesdottir and their son would be Svenson.

No, according to the standard convention the daughter would be Svensdóttir and the son Svensson. Matronymics are still rather unusual and certainly not standard just for girls.

The system is just as patriarchal, just in a slightly different way.

Matronymics are still rather unusual and certainly not standard just for girls.

I'd like to have a system where girls take their mother's surname and boys take their father's surname.

It's totally your choice. If your ex pushes it you can say that you want to have the same surname as your DD and your work identity and qualifications are that of your current surname. These two things are important to you and if they are not important to your ex then he can always change his surname to his fiancee's.

My10y old seriously couldn’t give a crap that I have my own surname. Up until recently he and older teens thought that was the norm. They all happen to be boys and I think they just thought boys have dads surname, girls have mothers surname .

@vivainsomnia

Personally, I think it is wierd that women who divorce would want to keep the sane surname as their ex. It's not your name, it's his, that you got because you were married to him.

Having different surname to your children is no big deal and what most expect when dealing with kids of divorced parents.

To me, it feels like hanging on to the marriage.

Saying that, if it's a common name, it's much less intrusive than in the case of a rare names when it jumps out.

Good lord. Of course it's her name. Some women have their married name longer than their maiden name. It's part of their entire identity for work, education etc and has nothing to do with hanging on to the marriage. What a silly comment.

@vivainsomnia

Personally, I think it is wierd that women who divorce would want to keep the sane surname as their ex. It's not your name, it's his, that you got because you were married to him.

Having different surname to your children is no big deal and what most expect when dealing with kids of divorced parents.

To me, it feels like hanging on to the marriage.

Saying that, if it's a common name, it's much less intrusive than in the case of a rare names when it jumps out.

@vivainsomnia Your misogyny is appalling. Newsflash, it is HER name. It is not hers only 'on loan' and then she has to give it back. It is HER name. Her identity. Her children. Her family. Her qualifications, certificates, bill accounts, driver's licence, bank account, passport etc. It is HER NAME. It is not just 'his'. No one owns a name. It is common convention and tradition to keep the name in divorce. That's been the convention for decades and decades.

Have a think about it and let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc

Ah The Big Man will open his chequebook when the silly little woman sees sense and realises she needs to do as she’s told? That’s a fuck off right there.

I don't see it as her name. If you took your husbands name then it's still your husbands name imo.

The misogyny really is the taking his name in the first place to display that you belong to him. When you're divorced you don't belong to him anymore.

It took me years to get round to changing my maiden to my married name on my passport, drivers licence, bank account, credit cards, professional stuff etc. I'd be damned if I was going to go to all that faff and expense again just because the new Mrs Lindor was feeling insecure and weird about it (because surely that is the actual reason whether they admit it or not).

Conversely, DH and his ex were never married, and SDC has DH's surname. I therefore have the same surname as their DC when ex doesn't, and when DC were small they couldn't wrap their heads around that at all - 'you are a Lindor, and daddy is a Lindor, but mummy is not a Lindor, but mummy is my family and you aren't!'

I don't see it as her name. If you took your husbands name then it's still your husbands name imo.

Of course it's still his name. And it's also hers.

What if your maiden name was the same as you married name? It happens, I suppose. What would she have you change your name to then?!!
She is being precious and unreasonable

Cheeky fucker. Who the hell does he think he is?

To offer to pay for a name change is so rude and makes it sound like he thinks it’s a done deal. Is he aware of the travel implications with different names? Or the fact that all of your qualifications are in that name? Why does it matter so much to his new wife? I can imagine this isn’t the last you’ve heard from him on the change.

@TuscanApothecary

I don't see it as her name. If you took your husbands name then it's still your husbands name imo.

The misogyny really is the taking his name in the first place to display that you belong to him. When you're divorced you don't belong to him anymore.

Exactly this.

It's a family name and if you are no longer part of his family, the name should change. However I would also change my children's names too.

She is obviously an insecure tw*t!