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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
savethecactus · 17/02/2022 09:57

I'm in the process of getting divorced and planning to change my name back. But it's my decision, and more to do with the fact that I prefer my maiden name and was always a bit conflicted about adopting ex's name.

I have friends who have kept their ex's name for all sorts of reasons - to have the same name as their dcs, to have consistency at work, or just because it saves a lot of hassle.

It's entirely your choice OP, nothing to do with your ex or his fiancee. Even if it was a very unusual name, it's still part of his history that he was married to you, was (presumably) happy for you to take his name, and you have children with that name. It became your name as soon as you married and decided to change your name, and it's still yours if you want to keep it.

So YANBU, he and his fiancee are being utterly ridiculous and unreasonable. It's not confusing for anyone.

Rainyday4321 · 17/02/2022 09:58

If sharing a name is important to them then the simple solution is that he takes new wife’s name.

End of.

As for all the ‘confusion’ with different names - it does baffle me slightly. Didn’t change name, have different name to my kids & husband. No one is confused 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sprucewillis · 17/02/2022 10:03

@ohdelay

Your ex is getting married to a walking talking red flag. This won't end well. It's obviously coming from her and the insecurity is mind blowing. Might be best to keep an eye on her interactions with your daughter as she might catch some fallout from her crazy.
This ⬆️ make sure they are being respectful to your DD. If she gets involved in this in any way, you know where it's come from. OH and a large bag of popcorn 🍿 this is bound to get interesting.
GoodnightJude1 · 17/02/2022 10:03

Tell her to jog on. It’s your name and it’s up to you and nobody else.

When I got divorced I changed my name back to my maiden name as soon as I could. I didn’t want to be associated with my Exh in any way. Each to their own though and she has no right asking.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:04

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@Puffalicious

It is most certainly internalised misogyny. The idea that women only borrow names that really belong to men and that they should be given back.

I despise that women were once chattels and refused to bow to tradition 25 years ago - I also gave dc my name despite marriage. I encourage all women to keep their own names. However, those that choose to change owe nothing to their former husbands as the name is equally theirs. For any poster to suggest otherwise is misogynistic.[/quote]
I agree with most everything you say: I abhor our patriarchal society and shudder when I hear young colleagues state 'My fiance thinks it's respect to take his name'. I do see your upset in names being seen as a 'loan', as if women can't own anything, but then I've never seen it like that, I see it as true freedom and independence to keep your birth name/ name of YOUR choice. Here the OP is making her choice- not a choice I would make but, importantly, her choice.

I don't agree that it's misogyny, I see it as getting rid of a chattel of the patriarchy to get rid of the name. I see your point, but don't agree it's misogyny.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:05

As for all the ‘confusion’ with different names - it does baffle me slightly. Didn’t change name, have different name to my kids & husband. No one is confused

Ditto

Pennox · 17/02/2022 10:07

I have to agree as well. no confusion here.

Brightandyoung · 17/02/2022 10:08

You are absolutely in the right over this OP. Well done for standing your ground. I don’t like his reply: let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc'. That’s basically saying you’ll do as he says!

It is your name, your child, your prerogative.

I was exactly the same age at marriage as you and the same age as you are now. So I’ve had this name most of my adult life. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and I would never change my name. I don’t love my ex at all and have moved on very happily, but it’s my name. And my children’s.

Womencanlift · 17/02/2022 10:09

Anyone I know that has kids has always kept their married name after divorce so I am pretty surprised with a lot of the posts on here thinking that the OP is weird/controlling/can’t let go

OP if they come back again just reply with “I am not keeping YOUR name, I am keeping DD’s name”. That’s the polite version, I would likely say it a bit stronger and telling them to jog on and grow the f up

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:09

I live in France and one of the reasons why I didn't change my name when I got married is because your married name is never really considered your legal name here, just one you are permitted to use, and if you get divorced you are only entitled to keep using the name if your ex husband agrees to it and it's officially recorded as part of the divorce proceedings.

I don't want to use a name which is only ever considered borrowed from my husband and not mine.

In the UK, when a woman changes her name on marriage, she changes her name. Full stop.

That means that your surname is just as much yours as it is your ex husband's. He and his wife to be have absolutely no right to ask you to change your name. You should only change it if you want to.

If they don't feel comfortable with all three of you sharing the same name, the obvious solution here is for him to take his new wife's name, or for them to double barrel their names or choose a new name.

Brightandyoung · 17/02/2022 10:09

@Pennox and @Puffalicious

I think this is down to personal preference. For many women having a different surname to their kids doesn’t sit well with them.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:11

@Womencanlift

Anyone I know that has kids has always kept their married name after divorce so I am pretty surprised with a lot of the posts on here thinking that the OP is weird/controlling/can’t let go

OP if they come back again just reply with “I am not keeping YOUR name, I am keeping DD’s name”. That’s the polite version, I would likely say it a bit stronger and telling them to jog on and grow the f up

It's not his name or their daughter's name.

It's the OP's name.

None of them has any more right to it than anyone else.

TracyMosby · 17/02/2022 10:11

Call her mrs Davies the 2nd. That will annoy her
Grin

SpiceRat · 17/02/2022 10:12

You’ve done the right thing OP. No one had any right to tell you what name you should use. EVER.

Threads like this always end in a bun fight about feminism and misogyny, with neither side recognising the most of important thing is CHOICE! If women can make an informed choice and want to change their name when married then why is that looked down on?

queenrollo · 17/02/2022 10:12

My DH and his first wife divorced over 20 years ago, no kids and she has kept his name. I don't know why, we've never asked her and we don't care. It's just a name, I can't get all wound up about it!

ShreddedMarmalade · 17/02/2022 10:13

I would politely decline but keep relations positive for the sake of the children. Option two would be to change both your's and the children's surname back to your original name.

Womencanlift · 17/02/2022 10:14

Oh I completely agree @babyjellyfish. It was just a suggestion to the OP to give to her completely removed from reality Ex as an explanation as to why she doesn’t want to change it

Repetitivebeats · 17/02/2022 10:16

Why is it 'much better' to have the same surname as your kids? I have a different surname to mine and it doesn't cause any issues whatsoever!? None

Agreed. I completely understand and respect why people would want to have the same surname as their kids but I've been a parent for 14 years and never had the same name as mine and it's never, not once, been an issue. Sometimes (rarely), I'll get called "Mrs DS's lastname" which just needs a "oh, it's Ms Mylastname actually, or you can call me Firstname" Job done. I've found schools are really good with things like this and whenever I get a call from school I'm always called by my name. Booking medical stuff is always done under my DS's name - no one asks what I'm called! Travelling has never been an issue.
I've got a new partner now so there's three of us in the house with three different surnames. I've just booked a holiday and bought family travel insurance for us with no problem.

I'd love all these people who say it causes logistical nightmares to have a different name from your kids, because I've never had them.

Anyway, back to the point. OP, it's your decision what you call yourself. Keep your name if you want to, they're being completely unreasonable to ask this!

Branleuse · 17/02/2022 10:16

My mum kept her married name. I couldnt wait to change mine back.
When I marry again I think ill double barrell it, and the kids names

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 10:19

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs

I'm not a Mrs....I've gone to Ms. I'm not trying to pretend to still be married. It's nothing to do with the title. I'm talking about the surname x

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:20

[quote Brightandyoung]**@Pennox* and @Puffalicious*

I think this is down to personal preference. For many women having a different surname to their kids doesn’t sit well with them.[/quote]
You're completely right. I don't see why it's such an issue, but that's me. Others have a right to choose. I personally think it's a throwback to another generation when having a different surname to your DC suggested you were unmarried, therefore a harridan. It clearly still lingers for some, as in you're not a 'proper' family if you don't share a name/ are married. I am married, I just choose to be independent in this regard.

SprintingAtlas · 17/02/2022 10:20

As you've got a DD I definitely wouldn't change names - how would your DD react to you no longer having the same name as her? As a 10 year old I suspect she wouldn't like it either.

Re travelling alone with a child, I can understand the issues parents face, whether or not they have the same name or not, but, genuine question, what happens if the single parent doesn't have a partner or ex-partner? I guess if there's no father's name on the birth certificate it's not an issue, but what if there is but he's done a runner and there's no way to obtain his "permission" for the child to leave the country. What do you do then?! (totally off tangent, I know)

sueelleker · 17/02/2022 10:23

Unless of course your ExH made it clear at the outset that you were only entitled to his name for as long as you were together and no other woman wanted it, in which case morally you should probably give it back.
Like an engagement ringGrin

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 10:23

@Repetitivebeats

Why is it 'much better' to have the same surname as your kids? I have a different surname to mine and it doesn't cause any issues whatsoever!? None

Agreed. I completely understand and respect why people would want to have the same surname as their kids but I've been a parent for 14 years and never had the same name as mine and it's never, not once, been an issue. Sometimes (rarely), I'll get called "Mrs DS's lastname" which just needs a "oh, it's Ms Mylastname actually, or you can call me Firstname" Job done. I've found schools are really good with things like this and whenever I get a call from school I'm always called by my name. Booking medical stuff is always done under my DS's name - no one asks what I'm called! Travelling has never been an issue.
I've got a new partner now so there's three of us in the house with three different surnames. I've just booked a holiday and bought family travel insurance for us with no problem.

I'd love all these people who say it causes logistical nightmares to have a different name from your kids, because I've never had them.

Anyway, back to the point. OP, it's your decision what you call yourself. Keep your name if you want to, they're being completely unreasonable to ask this!

All of this. The name plate on our door sounds like a lawyer 's office:

My name/ DH and DS name/ older DSs name- in alphabetical order.

I like it.

babyjellyfish · 17/02/2022 10:23

[quote justustwoandmoo]@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs

I'm not a Mrs....I've gone to Ms. I'm not trying to pretend to still be married. It's nothing to do with the title. I'm talking about the surname x[/quote]
Frankly, even what title you use has nothing to do with either of them.

If he raises the subject again, I strongly recommend you suggest he changes his name to hers.