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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 17/02/2022 09:29

@Puffalicious

It is most certainly internalised misogyny. The idea that women only borrow names that really belong to men and that they should be given back.

I despise that women were once chattels and refused to bow to tradition 25 years ago - I also gave dc my name despite marriage. I encourage all women to keep their own names. However, those that choose to change owe nothing to their former husbands as the name is equally theirs. For any poster to suggest otherwise is misogynistic.

Horst · 17/02/2022 09:32

He can always take her name if it’s so important that you don’t have the same surname.

zeg3885 · 17/02/2022 09:33

Yanbu. I’d message back saying sure, as long as you don’t mind me changing our daughters name in the process!

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2022 09:36

Genuinely curious. All those saying the reason they kept the exH name is because they don't want a different name to their DC. what would you do (or did you do) when you met someone new and decided to get married? Still keep the exH name? Or change it to new DH name.

gingerhills · 17/02/2022 09:37

YANBU.
I'd text back to say: It is better for DD and me to share a surname so I will keep it.

No more discussion. How weird that she wants to erase history in that way.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 09:37

You shouldn't have to change your name back.

DM divorced my dad when I was 5 but she had 2 DC with him who of course have his name. It would have been confusing if she had changed her name and that of her DC so they were different.

My stepmum (dad's third wife) only changed her married name when she got married to her second DH (after my dad) and when her DC were adults and had left school etc.

my DM could change back to her maiden name now but at 81 what's the point?

TheGratefulBread · 17/02/2022 09:38

The sweeping generalisations in this thread about women who do not revert back to their maiden name.

My aunt didn't revert back to hers. Nothing to do with trying to cling on, she was happily rid of the cheating scumbag. No the reason she didn't revert back is, the woman he had an affair with, was her ex-SIL. The ex-wife of my aunt's brother, who hadn't changed her surname back, so her surname was (and still is, many years later) the same as my aunt's maiden name. Not surprisingly, my aunt chose to keep the surname she shared with her children, rather than share a surname with the OW!!

Wheelz46 · 17/02/2022 09:38

Personally I couldn't wait to dispose of my ExH surname 🤣 but then we didn't have children together, I may have felt differently if we did.

To be honest, I am glad I did dispose of it, because now I have children with my current partner, if I was still going by my married name, I would have had to declare my maiden name on their birth certificate (me and current partner are not married). So I would have been known as 2 surnames with a different surname to their dad, would have felt strange to me having ExH surname appearing on there.

Having said that, I don't see the issue with keeping a married surname if that is what someone wishes, I don't think it's odd at all. My mum and dad split up when I was younger and she kept her married name, couldn't have imagined her been called anything else.

Keep it, it's yours, new partner needs to keep her nose out!

jeaux90 · 17/02/2022 09:38

@OchonAgusOchonOh

I have been stopped EVERY time travelling with my DD who has a different surname.

I've had to produce her birth certificate and a letter saying I'm allowed to travel with her.

So don't say it's nonsense. It's clearly a practicality that OP needs to consider

BackwardsPrawn · 17/02/2022 09:38

It is most certainly internalised misogyny. The idea that women only borrow names that really belong to men and that they should be given back.

Yep - it's a rewrite of what happened. The name was given/taken. Not a loan, and not a borrow.

It is now the OP's name. Not her ex-h's name.

Her name. She can keep it or throw it away as she wishes.

If he ex-h didn't want a load of Mrs/s Davies runing around, he should have throught about that before he started handing it out to so many people Grin

Besides, as above, he and his new wife can always choose a brand new name together - one that they share and represents the bond between them. Not hard rule for it to be Davies.

*I realise davies was just an example name, given by the OP.

Enko · 17/02/2022 09:39

@Monzeitia in contrast to your experience the women I have known who have changed their names are the ones who were through acrimonious difficult divorces and they wanted to distance themselves from their x. The ones who have kept their married name have good co-parenting relationships with their x. In the case of one she has kept the married name as a middle name and added on her birth name

It's not as simple as saying " this is how it is"... If dh and I were to divorce now I would keep my married name I've been Mrs for longer than I was Miss and I do not identify as my birth name

Slidey23 · 17/02/2022 09:39

@Migrainesbythedozen you don’t seem to be appreciating different scenarios, specifically the fact that when divorced, many women do not want to keep their ex husband’s name. I never had children so no issue there, but when my husband had an affair and left I changed my name back, in fact I didn’t even wait until divorced. If my wretched husband didn’t want to be married to me, I didn’t want to keep his stupid name, so changed it back straight away. Many women prefer to change their name on divorce, in my experience the ones that don’t often have children and want them all to have the same name.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 09:40

I do think if you didn't have DC with your ex-H then it would be nice (if you wanted to do so) to change your name back. But you do have DC so...

BackwardsPrawn · 17/02/2022 09:43

Anyone else reminded of Tina Turner?

She wasn't clinging on to the marriage, but her name was the only thing she wanted out of the divorce. It was the name she'd earned her living under, worked hard to make something and wanted to keep it.

It was her right to, as it is OP's right to.

rainbowstardrops · 17/02/2022 09:45

I used to think it was a bit odd to want to keep your ex's surname because surely you want rid of them (generally) but I can totally see now why people do, especially if children are involved, known as Ms, Mrs Whatever for work/qualifications etc.

You were polite and to the point and new Mrs 'Davies' will just have to accept that her husband has been married before.

I wouldn't be comfortable with her having the same surname as your child when you wouldn't either. Absolutely no way!

AskingforaBaskin · 17/02/2022 09:45

My mother divorced my father 20ish years ago and still has the married surname. It's her name! She has had it longer than she has not and she wanted the same as us. Which I liked.

I am married to DH took the name because I just like new things. I will never be changing back. Absolutely ridiculous request.

If they do push I would ask why you have to give a damn about her feelings and needs about your name?
And as others have said if she really can't handle it he has the option of changing to her name.
But I would suspect that is not an acceptable option for him.

ohdelay · 17/02/2022 09:45

Your ex is getting married to a walking talking red flag. This won't end well. It's obviously coming from her and the insecurity is mind blowing. Might be best to keep an eye on her interactions with your daughter as she might catch some fallout from her crazy.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/02/2022 09:45

[quote jeaux90]@OchonAgusOchonOh

I have been stopped EVERY time travelling with my DD who has a different surname.

I've had to produce her birth certificate and a letter saying I'm allowed to travel with her.

So don't say it's nonsense. It's clearly a practicality that OP needs to consider [/quote]
We didn't want to double-barrel. But we did consider this in advance, so our DC have the surname of the other parent as an additional given, middle name. That name is on their passport, albeit for everyday purposes they use the one surname.

This is very common practice in the US.

I carry copy birth certificates just in case, but have never been stopped when travelling alone with the DC. There is not only one solution to the patriarchal naming convention, and it doesn't necessarily involve women swapping their names around like pass the parcel.

NativityDreaming · 17/02/2022 09:47

YANBU and they are being very unreasonable! I find it so very odd that they think they can dictate your name. Weird.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 17/02/2022 09:49

[quote jeaux90]@OchonAgusOchonOh

I have been stopped EVERY time travelling with my DD who has a different surname.

I've had to produce her birth certificate and a letter saying I'm allowed to travel with her.

So don't say it's nonsense. It's clearly a practicality that OP needs to consider [/quote]
And I have never been stopped.

The issue is not the different surnames, it is a single adult travelling with a child. As I said, my dh, who has the same surname as the dc, has been stopped. Luckily, I had provided a letter.

It is a practicality anyone travelling with a child alone needs to consider. It is not limited to those with different surnames.

NinjaQueen · 17/02/2022 09:50

Just message back and say after thinking it through properly you will agree to let her share it. Infact you don't mind at all identifying yourself as the First Mrs Name from now on.

LadyT27 · 17/02/2022 09:51

I know loads of women who have kept their exH name as they want the same name as their kids. Not uncommon or unreasonable.

I don't see why exH's partner has an issue with it. It's her issue, not yours. I would have thought she would understand it's you wanting the same name as your daughter and not that you want the same name as exH.

Pennox · 17/02/2022 09:54

I don’t think you should change your name if you don’t want to but just to offer a different perspective. I have children with my partner and they have his surname. I’ve always hated my surname and they aren’t two names that can be double barrelled; which would have been my preference if they could have been. Anyway, I’ve travelled many times on my own with all or a combination of my kids and no one has ever asked me to prove they were mine. I’ve never carried a letter from their Dad, who has parental responsibility, and I’ve never been stopped at border control. They always take a good look at them individually but I think when they were little it was pretty obvious I was their mother and as teens they were travelling alone with friends and on school trips anyway. This is Europe and US travel no one has ever been interested that they have a different surname to me. I think nowadays they have al the intell behind the scenes via the passport number anyway. My kids also couldn’t give a crap that we have different surnames.

It’s an interesting point as to how I’d feel if there was a future Mrs their surname but I can’t imagine DP would ever get married if we split up and they’d likely be approaching adulthood anyway so again I’m not sure I’d care.

I’d never change my surname on marriage but I think once you have, it’s up to you what you do with it when you divorce.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 17/02/2022 09:54

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash
But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs

Exactly, it’s the C21st . Women don’t need to be labelled as ‘wife of This Man’ by being labelled with his name, and if they do change their name it is their choice, their name.

What right do you have to tell another woman to change her own name? Or if your H to be was formerly married to someone you didn’t want to share a name with you could ask him to change his name to his!

Or in your C21st are women just labelled with the name of a man they are married to and have that name stripped off later? At HIS say so, or another woman’s day so? A name is not about ownership of a person.

This thread demonstrates exactly why I did not change my name and did not give my kids only their father’s name.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 17/02/2022 09:55

Call her mrs Davies the 2nd
That will annoy her

Funny enough my dh was talking about how odd it was when a couple we knew spilt and she keep HIS name… dh couldn’t believe it
But I was like well it’s her name now tho isn’t it

Really suprised me