Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

@jeaux90

It's a pain in the arse having a different name to your kid.

Especially if you travel abroad with them on your own. You'll need to take her birth certificate with you etc.

I'd say you have no emotional attachment, you are a Ms but you won't change it for practical reasons.

I'd be tempted to comment on the territorial behaviour of the new partner and her not understanding the practical implications.

It's a pain in the arse having a different name to your kid.

This gets trotted out regularly as a reason to change your name on marriage or retain it on divorce. It's utter nonsense. Neither I nor any of my friends with different names to our dc have ever had an issue.

Just own your choice. You prefer to have the same name as your dc. Perfectly reasonable choice.

I remember my mum going back to her maiden name and feeling upset about it

Op he is definitely being unreasonable his partner needs to get over the fact he was married before

@jeaux90

It's a pain in the arse having a different name to your kid.

Especially if you travel abroad with them on your own. You'll need to take her birth certificate with you etc.

I'd say you have no emotional attachment, you are a Ms but you won't change it for practical reasons.

I'd be tempted to comment on the territorial behaviour of the new partner and her not understanding the practical implications.

Yes @justustwoandmoo , I would make a small comment back before making no further comments - something like; 'your girlfriend seems very insecure to even ask this. We co-parent really well and all get on well together thus far. I hope she won't cause any problems with us.'

I would let him know that you are happy to continue having a good relationship with them but that he is to be under no illusion that you will back down, and getting on the front foot about her possibly being an issue going forward is wise.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

"I have never heard of anyone keeping their ex husband's name."

You may have pretty unique set of friends, because in my circle there's those that do, and those that don't.

Similarly those that kept their maiden name and those that didn't.

And those that couldn't care less either way.

Well done OP nicely put back in their box. Hopefully the coparenting continues to be good and this isn't the tip of some batshittery iceberg!

My answer to his response would entirely depend on how and why the marriage ended to be honest! "Something that should be between a married couple..." if he was still married to you then he wouldn't have that issue.! tell him to sod off!

It's convention for the second wife to not take her husband's name if he's had a wife before. So the ex-wife should be the one pissed off at you, that you are the one going against societal etiquette and convention. Second wives traditionally don't take the husband's name. So you are the one who can't take his name.

Never heard of this convention. And thankfully nowadays your name is what you choose it to be - keep your name or take his/her name on marriage, keep his/her name or revert to maiden name on divorce, both take both names double-barrelled, etc etc . It's up to you! Posters are getting very bent out of shape about this, OP has every right to keep her married name although now divorced, soon-to-be new Mrs ex has every right to take his name if she wishes. no one has the right to tell / ask anyone to stop using a name.

Unless of course you're the criminal who changed his name to Charles Bronson - if I were the family of the late actor the real Charles Bronson, I'd be quite irate.

For me, I’m definitely not bitter about splitting with my ex. I feel his new wife did me a huge favour to be honest cos I’ve been happier this last 20 years as a divorced woman than I was the almost 8 years i was with him. In fact, I even looked after their 2 children when they went on honeymoon so couldn’t be happier for them.
I’m just not interested in changing my name back. End of.

It isn’t your ex husbands name, nor is it your daughters or the future wifes name, its your name. If the future wife and your ex are so concerned about your name he can either change his name, or she can choose not to change her name.

I have the same name as my ex, my son also shares this name, as does his Grandma. My husband and our joint daughter also share this name. It doesn’t belong to one person, it belongs to each individual. None of us hve exploded or had our identity stolen because we share the same name with my ex, just as we haven’t had any ill effect from the other thousands of people with the same name.

I don't think it's anyway outrageous to ask and I can understand where they are coming form. I think the two messages were very respectful. So if it stays at this level then they are not unreasonable.

Also you are not unreasonable to not want to change your name.

I agree with this, all people I know that have split went back to their maiden name, except one that despite she was the one who left because she didn’t love him anymore, left him devastated, she still kept it; he is now happily in a relationship, she is alone and bitter, try to still controlling her ex and can’t bear that he is happy with someone else

It's a pain in the arse having a different name to your kid.

No, it isn't. It matters not one jot.

Our agreement was that girls would take one parent's name, boys the other's. Two kids, in the same family, with a different surname: how will society cope?

It copes. The only person who cares is MiL.

Just say 'no'.

This is their issue, for them to sort out, it's nothing to do with you. Don't start trying to fix it for them. That would be weird and intrusive.

He's trying to erase history - to pretend he never married you. Life, facts and time don't work like that (unless you're an autocratic dictator).

Your update is spot on OP, and you're right to disengage now as it shuts the conversation down flat. No means no.

My post should have ended "flea in their ear" not "flea in the rear" but I'm not entirely sorry about the malapropism!

Just to say that if they keep pushing this, I would send one more message along the following lines:

"To save everyone some time, this isn't a topic that is open for further discussion or persuasion - I will not be changing my name that I have used for [X] years and that is the end of the matter.

If you would like to share a name between the two of you, I completely understand. It is entirely your choice whether that name be yours, [fiancée's], a double-barreled name or third name altogether. All the best and I look forward to seeing you both [next meeting]."

I honestly can't get over this next level bridezilla/groomzilla behaviour!

@Monzeitia

I agree with this, all people I know that have split went back to their maiden name, except one that despite she was the one who left because she didn’t love him anymore, left him devastated, she still kept it; he is now happily in a relationship, she is alone and bitter, try to still controlling her ex and can’t bear that he is happy with someone else

I'm not sure you can generalise this much. I get that this is what happened to your friend but it isn't the same for me.

I think she just sounds like she still loves him and that's nothing to do with her surname

Does your ex realize there are likely to be more than 3 of you with the same (common) surname, so it won't be "keeping it between the married couple?".

Anyway, I'd have fun with this in my head. I'd change my social media profile pic to one of the wedding day and photo shop your dd in, with a "The Moo Family" banner over the top.

It's not normal for women to revert back, so I doubt you could only know women who have, because it's actually not the norm

Migraine you're really being very aggressive with PP, it's not necessary. As I've said before, the tradition of transference of name was originally to show possession: thank God that's not 'normal' anymore. We move and change as a society.

I'm not sure where you live, but where I am very, very few people keep their married name after divorce. Of the people I know, it's only one and she's much older. In fact, I don't think they're even divorced after 35 years apart, strangely. So, your statement of what is 'normal' just doesn't ring true.

When I kept my own name 20 years ago a friend at the other end of the country, and all her friends, found it strange. It was clearly quite different in their area, whereas very common where I am. You cannot make sleeping statements based on what you think and where you live/ your social circle.

Of course, OP can do as she pleases, just don't be so aggressive, this is a place for discussion.

I think that’s bloody cheeky to tell you to think about it! I would have relied saying it wouldn’t be happening either now or in the future.

*sweeping

There are approximately128,024people named Davis in the UK. That makes it the 51th most common surname overall.

britishsurnames.co.uk/surname/davis

It's not something between husband and wife. It's something between 128,024 in the UK.

It's not normal for women to revert back, so I doubt you could only know women who have, because it's actually not the norm. Most women know THEIR name is THEIRS. No their husband's/ex-husband's, but theirs. And legally when they adopt that name, it is their name for life. Not just for the tenure of their marriage, as you are mistaken to think, but for life. Divorce or widowhood doesn't change that, and it is not normal for it to do so.

So by that logic, changing names is a one-off set in stone event - you don't seem to allow for taking his/her name on a second marriage or any other reason. Sad to be so stridently inflexible.

^Reply this morning. 'It's just something we feel should be between a married couple. Otherwise all three of us will have the same surname. Have a think about it and let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc'.

I went back and said the following 'thanks for the offer but i won't be changing it on your say so. Perhaps in the future when DD is older I will decide I'd like to change it. For now I will be keeping it. I do wish you both the very best though.'

I won't be engaging with any more of it now even if I do get a reply. I think that's fair?^

Good on you OP. He can't erase history to fit his new narrative. It's not right and doesn't respect the marriage or family you had together. What is he thinking and funny it's only an issue now.

@Rewis

I don't think it's anyway outrageous to ask and I can understand where they are coming form. I think the two messages were very respectful. So if it stays at this level then they are not unreasonable.

Also you are not unreasonable to not want to change your name.

You're right. They are not unreasonable. They're barking, batshit mad.

Particularly when OP had replied with a polite negative to their 'request' and has still experienced pushback. Who TF do they think they are?

In reflection on other posts, the 'no one owns a name' stance is eminently reasonable. As I subscribe to that view completely, I simply didn't change mine in the first place as I strongly believe that name does not belong to my father, but to me.

Some women make a conscious, informed choice in possession of the facts; i.e. that it IS a choice, and that their names don't legally default to their husbands' names on marriage. A PP suggests some women believe the alternative is the case, and I've known of others who changed on this pretext, later regretted it, and say they would have made a different choice had they known otherwise. That says something about our patriarchal system.

To take on someone else's family name is not my choice - I feel strongly enough about it that had my husband claimed a vested interest or put pressure on me to the contrary it would have been a deal-breaker. If it's other people's choice, fair play to them, and if they've adopted that name then I'd very definitely agree that it's not on loan to them from a man. It's theirs.

But talking about a 'maiden' name, which is repulsive terminology, in 2022? Really?