Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

I think that its fair enough you want the same name as your daughter. Or you could change your name back and change your daughter's last name to your maiden name too. How would he feel about that ?

@LetticeLeaf

I think that its fair enough you want the same name as your daughter. Or you could change your name back and change your daughter's last name to your maiden name too. How would he feel about that ?

I suspect he would hate it 🤣. I couldn't do that to her tbh. She's 10 so is fully aware of her identity and her name if you see what I mean.

'It's just something we feel should be between a married couple. Otherwise all three of us will have the same surname. Have a think about it and let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc'.

They shouldn't offer help covering any expenses they should cover all of them.

However, that's irrelevant. I wonder if your Ex will think on as to how very odd this all is (as PPs say, I have to suppose he doesn't mind about his mother, SILs and assorted relatives having the same name). Did they even explicitly consider what it would mean for your DC and in various official contexts?

I hope that they mature rapidly upon reflection because this could otherwise be very tedious for you.

I really dislike my married name - it’s same as my 3 DC though, I’m now very happily divorced, but I’m not changing it back to maiden name for a few reasons.

1. I CBA with all the admin it causes. New passport £75 new driving licence new documents etc
2. I don’t want a different name from DC
3. I’m planning to get remarried at some point in the future so will possibly be changing it then anyway.
4. I’m known professionally by married name - will probably keep as that indefinitely, at work

But I’m definitely not bitter, or struggling with the divorce or hanging onto it for any emotional attachment to ExH - I think he’d like to think so, mind you. I’ve always disliked the name, it’s very unusual, often mispronounced and misspelled.

@AnotherSillawithanS

I can see where she's coming from.

I don't have the same name as my children, never been a problem.

But surely loads of people out there have the name? This is what I cannot get my head around. They don't own the name and get to decide who can and cannot have it. The more I think about it the more ridiculous I think it is.

The “between a married couple” thing is batshit.

The use of his surname isn’t some golden prize to be won - it’s just a name, and has been your name now for almost as long as your original one.

My mum and dad divorced after 25 yrs of marriage. I don’t think it ever occurred to her or him that she should change the name she had had for so long. And my stepmother had no issues whatsoever as far as I know with it - she’s lovely and not precious about that sort of nonsense at all.

If I got divorced I would have to really think about changing the name - whether I could be bothered. I might I suppose, as I do with hindsight regret changing it and I miss the brevity of my maiden name - had a much better signature. But it would only be if it suited me, not to assuage the insecurities of the whoever follows me.

@NoThankYouPossom

From the point of view of a child whose parents divorced and father remarried, I'd have been very upset if my mum had suddenly changed her name back to her maiden name so it was different from mine.

My stepmother also liked to try to suggest to people that it was "weird" that my mum kept her married name after she divorced but it just made her look like a bitter, insecure idiot to those to whom she mentioned it. By that point, after two decades of using it personally and professionally, my mum's feeling was that it was her name, thank you very much, not to mention it being the same as her child's, which she liked. My father was certainly never daft enough to suggest to my mother that she should change it on his account!

Your ex and his wife-to-be are entitled CFs. I hope they tell this story to other people in their life and get a flea in the rear.

Good post. Exactly the OP's situation.

“Reply this morning. 'It's just something we feel should be between a married couple. Otherwise all three of us will have the same surname. Have a think about it and let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc'.”

How very condescending of them “have a think”

@NellyDElephant

I really dislike my married name - it’s same as my 3 DC though, I’m now very happily divorced, but I’m not changing it back to maiden name for a few reasons.

1. I CBA with all the admin it causes. New passport £75 new driving licence new documents etc
2. I don’t want a different name from DC
3. I’m planning to get remarried at some point in the future so will possibly be changing it then anyway.
4. I’m known professionally by married name - will probably keep as that indefinitely, at work

But I’m definitely not bitter, or struggling with the divorce or hanging onto it for any emotional attachment to ExH - I think he’d like to think so, mind you. I’ve always disliked the name, it’s very unusual, often mispronounced and misspelled.

Exactly the same. I'm not bitter. Quite the opposite in fact. My ExH is an amazing father and I'm genuinely happy that life has just moved on and we are all settled into a good coparenting routine.

This all came as a bolt out of the blue and there just isn't a need for it. I'd be paying out masses of money doing something I don't want to do. The whole career thing is a massive part of it for me too. All of my qualifications are in my married name. I can't even think of where to start if I did change. It's would be such a waste of time.

There's no way the name is so rare that there won't be another Mrs surname out there. She's crackers.

@Migrainesbythedozen Nobody mentioned widows, why do you keep bringing it up, that's a different scenario. I,and everyone I knew went back to our maiden names after divorce, it was part of getting back to oneself after the end of a marriage. I have never heard of anyone keeping their ex husband's name. Obviously if you and the op choose to do so, the that is your choice,but the op posted this as a question,and I responded. It's called debate. No need to insult people because they have a different viewpoint.

@justustwoandmoo I hope you do not ever back down. What a cheeky and insecure entitled brass neck she is!

Suggest he changes his name to his fiancé's surname when they get married - problem solved.

It's not "his" name that was on loan to you whilst you were married ffs. It's your name! If it bothers them so much then they are the ones who should change their names!

They're being ridiculous.
Utterly ridiculous.
Pathetic, really.

Good for you telling them you're not changing. Again, they can't FORCE you to, so they need to just grow up.

It's a pain in the arse having a different name to your kid.

Especially if you travel abroad with them on your own. You'll need to take her birth certificate with you etc.

I'd say you have no emotional attachment, you are a Ms but you won't change it for practical reasons.

I'd be tempted to comment on the territorial behaviour of the new partner and her not understanding the practical implications.

My mum and dad divorced when I was a child. My mum kept her married name and still has the same name now, 30 years later.

Parents splitting is unsettling enough as a child. I would have hated for my mum to have a different name to me, or to have to change my own name to match her maiden name.

You could also re-emphasise you want the same name as your dd. Maybe if her name was changing too - he won’t like that!

But the whole thing is silly. Names aren’t private between a married couple. There will be loads with that name!

Op tell your ex that your new partner wants to change his name to to be the same as you and your DD eg Davies.

But he feel a bit awkward about your ex being Davies too. He feels that the special name Davies is for you and him.

So could your ex change his name? Offer to pay him for the deed poll. The out of pocket costs will only be a couple of hundred pounds max, it’s the time and effort that’s involved. But that won’t be anything to man who feels as strongly about names as your ex.

@NellyDElephant

I really dislike my married name - it’s same as my 3 DC though, I’m now very happily divorced, but I’m not changing it back to maiden name for a few reasons.

1. I CBA with all the admin it causes. New passport £75 new driving licence new documents etc
2. I don’t want a different name from DC
3. I’m planning to get remarried at some point in the future so will possibly be changing it then anyway.
4. I’m known professionally by married name - will probably keep as that indefinitely, at work

But I’m definitely not bitter, or struggling with the divorce or hanging onto it for any emotional attachment to ExH - I think he’d like to think so, mind you. I’ve always disliked the name, it’s very unusual, often mispronounced and misspelled.

@NellyDElephant - 2) I don’t want a different name from DC 3) I’m planning to get remarried at some point in the future so will possibly be changing it then anyway.

That makes no sense.

If you don't want a different name to your dc why would you change to a completely different name that has no connection to the dc?

[quote NannyOggsWhiskyStash]@Migrainesbythedozen Nobody mentioned widows, why do you keep bringing it up, that's a different scenario. I,and everyone I knew went back to our maiden names after divorce, it was part of getting back to oneself after the end of a marriage. I have never heard of anyone keeping their ex husband's name. Obviously if you and the op choose to do so, the that is your choice,but the op posted this as a question,and I responded. It's called debate. No need to insult people because they have a different viewpoint.[/quote]
@NannyOggsWhiskyStash I bring up widows for a VERY OBVIOUS point. A marriage ends either by death or divorce. If you're saying a woman is no longer married (therefore 'owes' 'his' name back), then you have to say the same for widows. Because their husband is now dead. So they are no longer married. It shows the hypocrisy in your arguments. A marriage that has ended has ended, is ended. Regardless of why or how. If you say revert for divorce, then death has to mean revert too. You can't have it both ways.

It's not normal for women to revert back, so I doubt you could only know women who have, because it's actually not the norm. Most women know THEIR name is THEIRS. No their husband's/ex-husband's, but theirs. And legally when they adopt that name, it is their name for life. Not just for the tenure of their marriage, as you are mistaken to think, but for life. Divorce or widowhood doesn't change that, and it is not normal for it to do so.

It’s very unreasonable of them to even ask you. Clearly if you’d wanted to change your name you’d have done it by now!

If I’m honest, the fact that there’s already been a Mrs John Smith did cement the idea that I won’t change my last name when my partner and I get married (I probably wouldn’t have done anyway, I like my name as it is) as I don’t really want to be Mrs John Smith II. That is entirely my issue though, not anyone else’s!

If they ask again, I’d simply say “It’s my name and I have no intention of changing it so it’s pointless to keep raising it with me”

@NellyDElephant

“Reply this morning. 'It's just something we feel should be between a married couple. Otherwise all three of us will have the same surname. Have a think about it and let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc'.”

How very condescending of them “have a think”

It goes beyond that because the "Have a think…" ends with the supposition that having thought, she'll agree with them and do as they wish.

Gobsmacked they’d even ask, cheeky buggers!

Don’t budge on it. I don’t have the same surname as my son, but I don’t have the same surname as most of my family anyway. Just because that’s right for me doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.

You already changed your name for him once, he’s used up all the input he ever gets on your name.

I remember my dm going back to her maiden name. I didn't feel unsettled, it was part of the divorce process for her.

There's a lot more people than I realised who keep their exes name judging from the responses on this thread. I do still find it odd, but horses for courses.