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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
dottydodah · 17/02/2022 08:16

I wouldnt even enter into a discussion TBH.Just say this is your name .If they dont like it tough!

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 08:19

@Worldwide2

Yadnu I don't blame you wanting to keep the same last name as your daughter. Why wouldn't you? His new wife having the same name as your daughter and you don't I wouldn't like that at all. Imo it makes sense you want to keep the name. Let us know if you get a reply!
Reply this morning. 'It's just something we feel should be between a married couple. Otherwise all three of us will have the same surname. Have a think about it and let me know if you need help covering the costs of changing docs etc'.

I went back and said the following 'thanks for the offer but i won't be changing it on your say so. Perhaps in the future when DD is older I will decide I'd like to change it. For now I will be keeping it. I do wish you both the very best though.'

I won't be engaging with any more of it now even if I do get a reply. I think that's fair?

OP posts:
GildedLily17 · 17/02/2022 08:19

I’d refuse to discuss it further, it really is none of their business.

anon12345678901 · 17/02/2022 08:23

Just don't engage further. You've made your stance clear, if they don't like it that's tough. Just don't answer any further texts about this. They obviously think they can force you to change it, hence the 'let me know if you help re costs', so they aren't worth engaging with anymore.

AhNowTed · 17/02/2022 08:23

LOL they're ridiculous.

I love the "we feel". I bet he couldn't care less.

Thatnameistaken · 17/02/2022 08:23

This day and age he could change his to her name...

Ursusmajor · 17/02/2022 08:24

They asked. You said no. They can’t force you to do it. You want to keep the same name as your child and that you’ve been using your whole professional life. Either they get over it and all three of you have the same last name or they decide they want a married name just for them as a couple and so you ex changes his name to match his fiancée’s, they both double barrel their names or they choose a new completely different name. Whatever they choose, it’s not your problem.

FOJN · 17/02/2022 08:24

I won't be engaging with any more of it now even if I do get a reply. I think that's fair?

It's more than fair. You do not owe them your time and energy thinking about this.

LizzieBananas · 17/02/2022 08:25

@justustwoandmoo

Just to check, you and this lady don't have the same first name making you both e.g. Ms Sarah Davies?

Beyond that, in our family, MIL, SIL, ex-SIL, DIL and myself are all Mrs Bananas and we all cope. Three of use even share an initial!.

Beefcurtains79 · 17/02/2022 08:25

Ooh, I wouldn’t like being told to ‘think about it’ like that, pushy AF.
The cheek. However I would say you don’t want a different surname from your daughter, there’s nothing they can say to that without looking like massively unreasonable twats.

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 08:26

[quote LizzieBananas]@justustwoandmoo

Just to check, you and this lady don't have the same first name making you both e.g. Ms Sarah Davies?

Beyond that, in our family, MIL, SIL, ex-SIL, DIL and myself are all Mrs Bananas and we all cope. Three of use even share an initial!.[/quote]
No. Definitely don't have the same first name or anything remotely similar x

OP posts:
ExcaliburBaby · 17/02/2022 08:26

They reply is patronising and rude! If they push further I’d say a) if you feel that strongly about it then suggest you change your name to hers - problem solved and b) you strongly feel you and your children should have the same surname. I’d then Refuse to discuss further. The cheek of them!

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2022 08:28

I think it’s a grey area really and down to personal choice.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to ask if you’d be changing your name back once they got married. Perhaps they are asking so as to decide if she takes his name or him hers. Who knows.
What would be unreasonable is if they are demanding you change yours. Was that the case?
Or if they have a tantrum if you say no you’re keeping it.

The only time I’d think it unreasonable to keep an ex’s name is when it’s done for spite. Any other reason is entirely down to each person and how they feel, but doing it just to piss off the next partner is pretty weird behaviour.

I wouldn’t want to keep the name of someone I had split from. That’s my personal choice.
If you want to keep the name that’s totally your choice, but I don’t think it was unreasonable for them to check, especially as you say it’s all amicable between you.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 08:28

@TuscanApothecary

convention has it that the woman keeps her ex-husbands name

Really? This thread is quite eye opening to me. Out of the people I know almost everyone changed their name back to theirs with glee! It's one of the freedom moments. The people I know who kept their exes names are the ones who really struggled with the divorce and moving on (no shame in that) but who have also got a bit bitter. I'm not saying this is the case here, it's just been my real life observation.

Totally agree.
2DogsOnMySofa · 17/02/2022 08:30

Well done for sticking to your guns op, they are being batshit and making themselves look silly

Bookworm20 · 17/02/2022 08:31

Cross posted with your update! Looks like a little tantrum coming.
I think your response was perfect op. End of discussion let’s hope

SamphiretheStickerist · 17/02/2022 08:32

The people I know who kept their exes names are the ones who really struggled with the divorce and moving on (no shame in that) but who have also got a bit bitter. I'm not saying this is the case here, it's just been my real life observation.

My real life observation is that some people care about such stuff, others don't.

Some women go back tot heir maiden name, some don't.

Some women choose to keep the same surname as their kids, some don't

I wouldn't choose to characterise any women who kept their married name after divirce as 'struggling' or 'bitter', some do!

VikingOnTheFridge · 17/02/2022 08:32

He does have some cheek.

If there are further responses, you should put the ball in his court OP. As this is his wish, he can either take his wife's name or you and DD can go back to your birth name. If they're stupid enough to hold the belief that they do about surnames, it's they who should be doing the accommodating needed to achieve that.

stimpyyouidiot · 17/02/2022 08:34

They're utter idiots op. Ignore them from now on

newbiename · 17/02/2022 08:34

Good reply OP.
I wouldn't engage any further.
'Have a think about ' would annoy me though.

CallmeHendricks · 17/02/2022 08:35

"We think." Grin
"They" can think what they like but that has zero relevance to your actions.

NoThankYouPossom · 17/02/2022 08:36

From the point of view of a child whose parents divorced and father remarried, I'd have been very upset if my mum had suddenly changed her name back to her maiden name so it was different from mine.

My stepmother also liked to try to suggest to people that it was "weird" that my mum kept her married name after she divorced but it just made her look like a bitter, insecure idiot to those to whom she mentioned it. By that point, after two decades of using it personally and professionally, my mum's feeling was that it was her name, thank you very much, not to mention it being the same as her child's, which she liked. My father was certainly never daft enough to suggest to my mother that she should change it on his account!

Your ex and his wife-to-be are entitled CFs. I hope they tell this story to other people in their life and get a flea in the rear.

AnotherSillawithanS · 17/02/2022 08:37

I can see where she's coming from.

I don't have the same name as my children, never been a problem.

notacooldad · 17/02/2022 08:37

I won't be engaging with any more of it now even if I do get a reply. I think that's fair?
Personally I think it's more than fair!
What a cheeky arsed pair, however I agree with this I love the "we feel". I bet he couldn't care less
None if my friends ha e had this fuss. My closest friend divorced a iut 34 years ago and still has the name she changed it to. Her ex has been married and divorced twice since then and the ex wives have not reverted back either. No one cares!

AhNowTed · 17/02/2022 08:38

@SamphiretheStickerist

The people I know who kept their exes names are the ones who really struggled with the divorce and moving on (no shame in that) but who have also got a bit bitter. I'm not saying this is the case here, it's just been my real life observation.

My real life observation is that some people care about such stuff, others don't.

Some women go back tot heir maiden name, some don't.

Some women choose to keep the same surname as their kids, some don't

I wouldn't choose to characterise any women who kept their married name after divirce as 'struggling' or 'bitter', some do!

Absolutely.

Characterising women as bitter, how ridiculous.

FWIW I didn't change my name. I simply didn't want to, didn't care about such things, and already had a career.

But if I had, I wouldn't be changing it back for all the above reasons. And it's bloody inconvenient.