Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 17/02/2022 06:57

[quote NannyOggsWhiskyStash]@Migrainesbythedozen what world do you live in,where it's traditional for 2nd wives to use their own name? I don't know anyone who has kept their marriage name after a divorce. And before you get all judgy with me, my fiance and I are both taking on each others names. I am not insecure, I just don't get why in the 21st century, you would feel the need to keep your ex's name.[/quote]
well its because us first wives dont want the sheer aggro of having to inform our bank . our payroll , dvla and all the other official places that we have changed our name back to the maiden and wait for all the cards and documents to then get changed back , its time consuming .
we also think of our children and dont want them wondering why they have their dads surname and we now have a different one .

there are hundreds of women all accross the uk who keep their married name even though they are now seperated or divorced simply because its become their name now and its easier to keep it
im not getting why you think just because we are in the 21st century all ex wives would feel they should change back to their maiden the minute they divorce

ChiselandBits · 17/02/2022 07:01

Migraine* I also agree she shouldn't change it but I disagree with both your assertion of what's 'normal' and also your vehemence that therefore convention must be followed. 'because that's what is done' is not a good reason to do anything. I kept mine bu actually went back to Miss. Its what's I get called all day at work anyway (teacher). I don't really get all the 'identity' stuff either. My various degree certs are in 3 different names. It's fine, it matches the chronology on my CV. It's still me.

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 17/02/2022 07:13

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs.
I'm not Mrs anymore. I've gone to Ms? I don't get your point at all.
OP posts:
Alrightqueenie · 17/02/2022 07:15

I'd change the name back to my maiden name including my daughters so she becomes MissAlrighqueenie.

Your ex hasn't thought this through, all he's thinking about is his new Mrs. He's not considered the connection between you & your dd, the name binds you both. If they had a kid then the new wife would have the same name as the child. Yet they're trying stop you from having the same opportunity.

Not a chance, stand firm on this because if you give in there'll be more bats hit requests. No adult has the right to ask another to change their name, we've not gone back to the middle ages.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 07:20

@ChiselandBits

Migraine* I also agree she shouldn't change it but I disagree with both your assertion of what's 'normal' and also your vehemence that therefore convention must be followed. 'because that's what is done' is not a good reason to do anything. I kept mine bu actually went back to Miss. Its what's I get called all day at work anyway (teacher). I don't really get all the 'identity' stuff either. My various degree certs are in 3 different names. It's fine, it matches the chronology on my CV. It's still me.
My point re normal and convention is I don't understand why those on here act like it's an abnormal thing to do, when it's actually the standard thing so why are they so surprised.

That's my point.

BuanoKubiamVej · 17/02/2022 07:25

Yanbu. The only person who gets a say in what surname you use is you yourself. Neither your ex nor his new partner get a vote.

Not wanting a different surname to your DC is very important and one possible response might be to say you'd consider it if and only if ExH agrees to DC surname changing too. However changing the name of a child who is old enough to understand what's going on can be traumatic and destabilising abd I wouldn't recommend it unless the child is under the age of 2 (clearly not the case here) or is keen on the change themselves.

I reckon the best solution to ExH's fiancée's distress is for ExH to take her surname when they marry, as @RedToothBrush suggested upthread.

Alrightqueenie · 17/02/2022 07:31

The compromise could be double barrelling your maiden name and ex name.

Wfhquery · 17/02/2022 07:31

Sorry if it’s already been not got time at min to read full thread at mo but how would he feel about you changing your daughters surname to your maiden name as well? I think you are perfectly reasonable to want same surname as your daughter and would be doing both if he allowed this. Bet he’s not so keen then

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/02/2022 07:32

@lightisnotwhite

You're not getting it. If a woman changes her name on marriage then its hers as much as it is his. He has no higher claim. Men do not own names. It's not on loan. It belongs to her.

Check your internalised misogyny.

Alsonification · 17/02/2022 07:37

@justustwoandmoo I’m completely in agreement with you. I’m separated & divorced almost 20 years & I still have my married name. I didn’t want to have a different surname to my children & I still don’t even though they are now both adults.
As far as I’m concerned it’s my name. If I’d had no children I would have gone back to my maiden name but that’s not what happened. My exh is married again & his wife took his surname too. I got the feeling she wasn’t happy with me keeping it but it was never said to me & if it was, I would have laughed too. Dopes.

Merryhobnobs · 17/02/2022 07:38

I am a second wife and I really don't care if my husbands first wife had kept 'his' name. I don't think she did, they were not married long and didn't have children but it is none of my concern really. My aunt used her married name professionally even though she was divorced as it was the name she was known for in her work life. If I ever got divorced then I would keep my married name as its the name I chose to take and give our children. How many people in the world have the surname Smith? It's a strange thing to get hung up on especially if things are amicable and there are children involved with the name.

Hippophile · 17/02/2022 07:41

Ha.YA SO NBU. I would have a good laugh over the sheer brass neck of the woman, and then probably feel quite sorry for her. She must be terribly insecure to make such ridiculous demands.

My married name is MY name. I love it, it’s part of me, I would continue to love it even in the v unlikely scenario that DH and I were no longer together. It’s mine, so fuck off!

CrunchyCarrot · 17/02/2022 07:42

Surely your Ex and his new missus-to-be don't have exclusive rights to that surname? And how many other people are there in the world with the same surname? Why should you change it if you don't want to?

Re actually changing one's surname - I did it after I got divorced, as I had an abusive ex, it really isn't a huge hassle, just one appointment with a solicitor and the name change deeds were drawn up, signed - job done!

Duracellbunnywannabe · 17/02/2022 07:47

Surely the solution is he changes his name to hers when they get married.

TuscanApothecary · 17/02/2022 07:53

I find it odd to keep an exes name.

I loved going back to my maiden name. Wouldn't want him to still feel like I had those sort of feelings for him either.

I know someone who still has her ex h name 10 years later. She's never moved on, she uses the same reason as a lot of posters here with the different surnames from their dc for why but I know her ex h gets a kick out of it. He likes that she still has his last name and he tries it on for old times sake.

Personally for me, getting my name back was a sign of freedom.

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 07:54

Convention has it that the woman keeps her ex-husband's name. That's the norm

Jeez, are we so obsessed with convention? In life we must surely question convention? This is how a society ebbs, flows and changes. The OP can do as she pleases, of course, but many of us have a different view. Traditionally the taking of a man's name was to show ownership- not something I want to reflect, even if in modern times it isn't seen as such. I like to have shown my independence all my life by keeping my name- it shows my children I have my own ideas and we can have self-determination. A different view which many share. Not everyone is hung up on up having the same name as children- I for one don't see it as important at all.

Worldwide2 · 17/02/2022 07:56

Yadnu I don't blame you wanting to keep the same last name as your daughter. Why wouldn't you? His new wife having the same name as your daughter and you don't I wouldn't like that at all. Imo it makes sense you want to keep the name.
Let us know if you get a reply!

Puffalicious · 17/02/2022 07:57

Check your internalised misogyny

Oh come on. Harsh. Since transference of names was originally to show ownership, this is rather trite.

notacooldad · 17/02/2022 07:59

The compromise could be double barrelling your maiden name and ex name
Why compromise? Just a lot of fuss over nothing!
Honestly he needs reminding that he didnt lend you a name and he wants it back.

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name
Utterly bizarre.
How does it even affect you? You wouldn't cope if you were in my friend's position. She had a common surname., like Jones and married a guy with the same surname. They divorced. She still has her husbands name ( of course!)🤣🤣🤣

PinkTonic · 17/02/2022 08:00

I don’t like the idea that if you change your name on marriage it’s a kind of borrowing of the name for the duration of the marriage. It isn’t. You legally change your name and it’s now your name. Changing it back is a deliberate act which some women want to do as part of ending the marriage, and that’s their choice. It certainly isn’t so normal now that not to do it is odd, especially if there are children who carry the name. It’s the second wives who are odd for thinking it matters. Why concern yourself with what name another woman goes by, especially if your husband has children with her which is something that will impact you.

TuscanApothecary · 17/02/2022 08:01

convention has it that the woman keeps her ex-husbands name

Really? This thread is quite eye opening to me. Out of the people I know almost everyone changed their name back to theirs with glee! It's one of the freedom moments. The people I know who kept their exes names are the ones who really struggled with the divorce and moving on (no shame in that) but who have also got a bit bitter. I'm not saying this is the case here, it's just been my real life observation.

angieloumc · 17/02/2022 08:05

@TuscanApothecary

I find it odd to keep an exes name.

I loved going back to my maiden name. Wouldn't want him to still feel like I had those sort of feelings for him either.

I know someone who still has her ex h name 10 years later. She's never moved on, she uses the same reason as a lot of posters here with the different surnames from their dc for why but I know her ex h gets a kick out of it. He likes that she still has his last name and he tries it on for old times sake.

Personally for me, getting my name back was a sign of freedom.

For me it wasn't a matter of 'not moving on'. I left him. I just didn't want to change my name back to my maiden name. I like my name.
FOJN · 17/02/2022 08:06

Your response was perfect OP.

Do not engage with this nonsense. You've had the name for nearly half your life, you acquired it through legitimate means, it's your now and no one can demand you change it.

You do not need to compromise in anyway shape or form. You are not being petty, you didn't make this a thing. Ignore

I did revert to my family name after divorce but I can tell you it's harder to do that than it is to change it when you get married. Why should you accept the headache of all the paperwork just to appease someone who is clearly insecure?

Lwren · 17/02/2022 08:08

You might not see this as there is so many replies, however my DS has his dad's surname and I don't, so travelling could be made awful for me if Ex was ever to stop being reasonable.

Your surname sounds quite common, so in your situation I'd discuss what surnames you and DD like, think something cool and fun, something that works great with both your names and tell Ex to agree to her changing her name to the same new one as yours, he's got a bargain.

I know it's not everyone's tastes but my DP and I would love to change our surnames to something fun and unique but his family would go apeshit 🤣🤣

If that's not something you're interested in tell them that you're not having a different name from your child. Also why does she give a shit? That's weird to me 🤣

AhNowTed · 17/02/2022 08:14

@lightisnotwhite

"Getting divorced means the marriage is over. You don’t keep wearing the ring. Why should you keep the name? Doesn’t make sense."

It's not a baton that gets passed on to the next one when the first one is discarded.

It's not his to bestow on the lucky woman he deigns to marry, to then take it away when it no longer suits. We're not chattles.

It became her name. She now shares that name with her children. Why should she change it.

I never changed my name and it's therefore different from my children's, but no I wouldn't be changing it back because wife 2 doesn't like it. Tough shit.