Page 25 | Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

justustwoandmoo · 2022-02-16T17:12:46+00:00

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good. BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now. My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name. My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 01:55

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet It's not weird, in fact, it is weird to change it just because you get divorced. It's not the done thing. Convention has it that the woman keeps her ex-husband's name. That's the norm. It's weird to suggest people go against society etiquette and change it.

It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't.
Well that's your problem for not being married to him isn't it.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 02:01

@TheHaka

I wouldn’t want to keep the name of an ex, & I’ve always wondered why women do this. Perhaps they don’t want to go back to being a Miss. You took his name when you got married, you are no longer married so not your name now.

@TheHaka What nonsense is this?? It is her name for life. Her no longer being married is irrelevant. The societal etiquette and convention is you keep the married last name even after divorce. That's tradition. That's the way things are done. It's not normal to change your name back after a divorce. Once you marry that name is your legal name forever more,, regardless of death or divorce.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 02:07

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash Why? It's tradition to keep the name. If you would be 'pissed off' that the first wife chooses to keep her legal name that she has on all her documents etc just because of you, then you are delusional, immature and deeply insecure. It says you are an entitled CFer who expects the first wife to change her life around just for you! The real world doesn't work like that. Read this thread and see how an unreasonable CFer you are and take note. Give your head a wobble and grow up! How about you keep your own name? It's convention for the second wife to not take her husband's name if he's had a wife before. So the ex-wife should be the one pissed off at you, that you are the one going against societal etiquette and convention. Second wives traditionally don't take the husband's name. So you are the one who can't take his name.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2022 02:17

If they come back and say that they really want you to change your name, tell them that the only way you'll agree to that is if the DC have the same surname as you, so you'll be expecting to change THEIR surname too.

Absolutely no reason why you should be, effectively, cut out of the "family surname" that is theirs.

I do find it strange when people get all possessive about surnames - not you, OP, the new wife-to-be - it's crazy! you're not even calling yourself Mrs "Davies", you just want to match with your kids. Can't see why they don't accept that as a decent reason not to change.

Anyway, they can't force you. Maybe tell him he has to take HER surname instead (nothing to say he can't do that!)

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 02:44

What is next? Are we going to ask Widows to change their name back to their maiden name now that their husband is dead?
This is how ridiculous it has become.

My mum is a widow. One could say she is 'no longer married', so should she be expected to change from the name she shared with dad for 44 years, because she is not married any more? Are the few of you bellends on here who think the end of a marriage means you must change your name, going to go around to widows and tell them they 'should change their name back now'?

custardbear · 17/02/2022 02:56

If they still insist, tell your ExDH you'll also change the children's surnames too if you have to change yours 😉

LadyPropane · 17/02/2022 02:57

Their "issue" is solved by him taking her name, surely? Unless he wouldn't want to do that because he wants to keep the same last name as his child... Which all sounds a bit hypocritical

It's a bit weird that she's bothered by this. My mum could never be arsed with the faff and expense of changing her name back to her maiden name after she left my dad. Many years later she got remarried, and told him she wouldn't be changing her name ever again because she couldn't be bothered with it all. She still has my dad's surname. She has somehow managed to remain married to my step dad and muddle through. Thank goodness.

BaybeeTammy · 17/02/2022 04:10

No!!!

Do not change your name.

She is insecure, I question their relationship!!!!

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 17/02/2022 05:00

But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 17/02/2022 05:04

@Migrainesbythedozen what world do you live in,where it's traditional for 2nd wives to use their own name? I don't know anyone who has kept their marriage name after a divorce. And before you get all judgy with me, my fiance and I are both taking on each others names. I am not insecure, I just don't get why in the 21st century, you would feel the need to keep your ex's name.

anon12345678901 · 17/02/2022 05:11

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs.

Who said they are still Mrs? I have my ex's name as it's my last name now too, it's just Ms. I happily say I'm divorced, it's not about pretending to be married.

tupperwaretowers · 17/02/2022 05:21

Tell her she has first dibs on Mrs Justustwoandmoo II

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 05:30

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

But you are no longer married, so why would you still want to be Mrs So and So? Am I missing something, as I don't get it. It's the 21st Century, you don't have to be a Mrs.

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash What does 'no longer married' have to do with anything??? ?? Widows are technically 'no longer married' too, are you going to tell them to change their names because their husband died? Wtf? When you take the name, it becomes your name FOREVER. Through marriage, divorce, death. Why do you think it is 'on loan' and dependent upon both parties being alive and married? Are you serious?

Zonder · 17/02/2022 05:32

@Mamanyt

There is no legal reason that I know of keeping his fiancée from taking his last name. You don't own it, after all, with patent rights to it!

Might be worth rereading the OP. This isn't the issue at all.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 05:34

[quote NannyOggsWhiskyStash]@Migrainesbythedozen what world do you live in,where it's traditional for 2nd wives to use their own name? I don't know anyone who has kept their marriage name after a divorce. And before you get all judgy with me, my fiance and I are both taking on each others names. I am not insecure, I just don't get why in the 21st century, you would feel the need to keep your ex's name.[/quote]
@NannyOggsWhiskyStash It is traditional and convention. What world do you live in where you don't even understand the basic mores of society? How did you not know this? If you would be 'pissed off' at the first wife keeping her NAME, then you are indeed truly insecure. It case you didn't know, it is the norm for people to keep their surnames upon divorce. That's been the way since time memorial. It's how it's done. It is not normal to change your name, just because you get a divorce. That's not normal. When the you take another name, to take it FOR LIFE. You don't change your last name just because you get a divorce.....wtf?

lightisnotwhite · 17/02/2022 06:04

@Migrainesbythedozen

What is next? Are we going to ask Widows to change their name back to their maiden name now that their husband is dead? This is how ridiculous it has become.

My mum is a widow. One could say she is 'no longer married', so should she be expected to change from the name she shared with dad for 44 years, because she is not married any more? Are the few of you bellends on here who think the end of a marriage means you must change your name, going to go around to widows and tell them they 'should change their name back now'?

Don’t call me a bellend thanks.

Why would a widow have to change their name? Clearly their husband isn’t going to have another relationship.

Getting divorced means the marriage is over. You don’t keep wearing the ring. Why should you keep the name? Doesn’t make sense.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 06:09

@lightisnotwhite Clearly their husband isn’t going to have another relationship.

What difference does that make? The marriage is still over, by death.

Getting divorced means the marriage is over. You don’t keep wearing the ring. Why should you keep the name? Doesn’t make sense.

Your marriage ends, not your identity! Why do you think the name is only valid as long as the marriage is?? That makes no sense! No sense at all, whatsoever. Which is why society reflects that, and people don't change their name (their whole identity) just because they get a divorce. You don't cease being a mother or your identity or credentials, just because of a divorce? You really can't be serious.

MumWithYOPD · 17/02/2022 06:14

Once I had my children I said I would never change my surname again. I’ve remarried and haven’t taken my DH name I still have the same name as DC. DH completely understood.

lightisnotwhite · 17/02/2022 06:18

@Migrainesbythedozen
You’re identity absolutely does change after a divorce. That’s largely the reason people get divorced . Because they don’t recognise themselves or the person they once loved.
And If it’s about “identity” why would change you’re name when you got married. You saying married women that change their name lose their previous identity?

I’m also curious why people seem very irate about this. It s all ‘no one owns a name” and then “it’s your name: keep it” upin the same breath.

PearPickingPorky · 17/02/2022 06:23

It's your name, just say no.

Suggest he changes his name to match his DP's.

StopStartStop · 17/02/2022 06:24

I had that nonsense from one of the ex's subsequent wives. Tough. It's my name, I've had it since 1978. I kept it to have the same name as dd, when she was growing up. She has a different name now, and the ex is long dead, so I'm the only one left with the name. Fine. It's my name.

Migrainesbythedozen · 17/02/2022 06:25

[quote lightisnotwhite]**@Migrainesbythedozen
You’re identity absolutely does change after a divorce. That’s largely the reason people get divorced . Because they don’t recognise themselves or the person they once loved.
And If it’s about “identity” why would change you’re name when you got married. You saying married women that change their name lose their previous identity?

I’m also curious why people seem very irate about this. It s all ‘no one owns a name” and then “it’s your name: keep it” upin the same breath.[/quote]
@lightisnotwhite No, your identity does not change after a divorce. You are still you. And with that comes your work reputation, your degrees in your name, your bank account, your drivers licence... etc. The ONLY thing that changes is you are no longer in a relationship with your ex-husband. But the very essence of you doesn't change.

It's the posters who are 'pissed off' at the thought of another Mrs being around that are irate, and who are very insecure and need to be the only Mrs. It's utterly bizarre. Especially as it's custom to keep your married name anyway, so they're the ones who are deviating by wanting to go against custom, so their attitude and anger makes no sense.

MumWithYOPD · 17/02/2022 06:41

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

My partners ex has his name still, after being divorced for over 20 years. It's weird that because we aren't married she has the same name as my kids and I don't. Also she went on to have kids with someone and they have their dads name and she still has my DP's name. It hi k you sh old change it. It's weird to want to keep it

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet Why did you give your kids his surname rather than yours? Genuinely curious why a lot of people do this as I remember my dad saying to me as a teenager in the 80s to always give your child your name (my DP are still together) which stuck with me. I’ve kept my Ex surname as it’s my DC name despite being remarried and by brother’s 1st wife - divorced over 10 yrs - has kept his name, again to have the same name as their DC. His 2nd wife even had the same forename so there were two of them with exactly the same name. No complaints from wife 2 she thought it was quite funny.

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2022 06:50

You’re identity absolutely does change after a divorce. That’s largely the reason people get divorced . Because they don’t recognise themselves or the person they once loved.
And If it’s about “identity” why would change you’re name when you got married. You saying married women that change their name lose their previous identity?

I’m also curious why people seem very irate about this. It s all ‘no one owns a name” and then “it’s your name: keep it” upin the same breath

Because someone's name is about THEM and who THEY are. If someone has been FIRSTNAME SURNAME for a while then that is their name. That's what their passport is in, it's what they are known as, it's what their documentation is in, it's what their network knows them as. If they don't want to change their name it's because that's their name.

The reason people are pointing out that men don't own a name is because:
A) Men don't own a name
B) Future romantic partners don't get to throw a strop because they don't like the idea of a another woman sharing a name with their DP/they want to be the only Mrs Surname.

The way some second partners/wives carry on is ridiculous. If you don't want to accept a man has been married before, don't get involved romantically with a divorced man. The idea a woman should change everything in her life linked to her name in order to appease her ex husbands new woman is a joke.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/02/2022 06:50

Perhaps they don’t want to go back to being a Miss

why would anybody need to do that? You can use any of the titles as you please, there is no legal requirement to go back to Miss after divorce.