Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

@theleafandnotthetree

What is the obsession with having the same surname as your children? It didn't even occur to me to change my name when I got married so there was nothing to 'do' when we seperated. I can't really remember any scenario where having different surnames mattered a damn beyond a quick one line clarification. Flights on your own with the kids maybe but a simple note from the ex clarifying you're their mum solves it. Everything I have achieved in my life, every job, every qualificayion, every publication is in the same name from birth to now. I can't know how anyone would want anything different apart from a few short years of early childhood when it might, might, be slightly confusjng

No woman with kids should ever, ever put herself in the position where she's unable to travel with her kids without getting written permission from her ex. What in an amicable divorce can seem "a simple note from the ex clarifying you're their mum" can turn into acres of grief and paperwork if things go south.

No woman should ever have to depend on a man to "clarify" that her own children are her own children.

(My solution was to double-barrel my kid's name.)

@Longhairdonotcare

I have a friend who remarried, her teenage daughter told her how sad she felt about the thought of having a different name to her mum and so she kept her surname. Maybe her daughter will feel differently when she is older and considers marrying herself but it shows that having the same name as their mum is important to some children.

I suspect it's less about having the same name as her mother and more about not wanting to suddenly be the odd one out with a different name to the rest of the household. Her mother changing her name to a new one that the dc has no connection with is going to feel like a rejection.

@ArcheryAnnie - No woman with kids should ever, ever put herself in the position where she's unable to travel with her kids without getting written permission from her ex. What in an amicable divorce can seem "a simple note from the ex clarifying you're their mum" can turn into acres of grief and paperwork if things go south.

A parent travelling alone with a child can be challenged regardless of surname. It is a good idea to carry such a letter just in case.

That said, I've never had an issue travelling alone with the dc. In contrast, dh, with whom they share a surname, was questioned once.

Why not suggest they both change their surname to Dickhead as it would really suit them as a couple. You can keep your name, and they are officially the Dickheads in this situation.

YANBU

Does she also expect his mother or daughter to change their surnames?

What an entitled princess.

As someone who didn’t share the same surname as her mum, I completely understand your point of view. Maybe it’s a traditional thing? I don’t know, but like you say, you’ve had that name for several decades now, why should you change it jusy because his new woman is insecure? To revert all your bank details, insurance details, passport, phone accounts, bills etc, for that reason alone? It’s so much admin. And pointless. Keep your name gal ❤️❤️❤️

@Bonbon21

Jennyfromthere

"I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not."

Well crack on to you too....
I had my "married" name longer than I had my "maiden" name... it was/is the name by which I have been known all of my adult life.
I assure you I was not "clinging" when I decided to keep it after my divorce.. it is MY name... not borrowed, not inherited... MINE.
And I was/am far too busy and happy in my life to go to any hassle changing it.

So you carry on being not bothered and just a bit sad!!😂😂😂

Absolutely this!!! I’ve had my married name far longer than my maiden name - it’s mine after I CHOSE to change it legally when I married my husband! We’re still together but even if we weren’t, it’s as much my name as his 😂

Sorry to be a boring old stickler but I like the mumsnet saying "No is a complete sentence.

So it's be a 'No.' from me.

Haha all change please! Why doesn't everyone change, and EXH & new DP pay for it? You and your DC become your maiden name hyphen his name, and they become her maiden name hyphen his name?

Win win and the Treasury gets some much needed funds to offset the Covid outlay 🤣🤣🤣

There is no legal reason that I know of keeping his fiancée from taking his last name. You don't own it, after all, with patent rights to it!

I'd say no. But you could always say you'll change yours if they change your daughter's first and pay for both name changes.

I would have laughed. Once you are named, the name is yours.

If she doesn’t want the same name as he ex, then he should change his last name.

I would not let him change your child’s surname into a double-barrel if it were me. Your child’s name belongs to her. It’s part of her identity and it shouldn’t be changed lightly.

YANBU

I just remembered this - When I met my first husband (together 15 years) his ex-wife, and mother of his only child, still had his last name. She and I became good friends and still are. When first husband and I got married, I took his last name and so we all 3 had the same last name! We had SO much fun with it, especially on social media.

It's just a name. Many others have the same name. No one owns a name. Maybe you could suggest to your exH's soon to be new wife to file a petition that everyone in your country that the last name needs to change it because it belongs to her and her alone.

@SickAndTiredAgain

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself laughing if I was presented with such a ridiculous request.

What planet is she on?

This.

Would he change his surname to suit your partner? No I thought not.

Personally I’d tell him that I’d change my name as long as he agrees FIRST to sign the paperwork to change your Dds name to yours.

He always has the option to take her surname when they marry, that way you will still have the same last name as your child (which would important to me too) and he can have a different name to you while sharing a last name with his new wife.

YANBU at all!

It's only very recently become a thing that a woman might change it back after divorce. Traditionally even after a divorce the woman keeps her ex-husband's name. Ain't no one got time to keep changing names on licences, bank cards, health records, etc etc etc just because of a divorce. Traditionally the second wife keeps her own name while the first wife keeps the married name, so OP his partner should keep hers and not take his name.

You do exactly what you feel you are most comfortable with. There is no reason to change your surname simply because your x's newer partner wishes you to do so.

In fact, I think she sounds rather odd, why worry about such a thing?

Perhaps you have been sheltered from any other ideas this woman might have had to date. ?

Anyone who knows you/the family will know who is who. Unless you are both Julie Smith's or such like, then friends might add a nickname.

My Uncle in law tried this on. He took up with someone he shouldn't have and the woman had the same first initial as his Wife.

The first marriage's telephone listing was in joint initial names, and he wanted the first Wife to stop using her married surname upon divorcing (due to his new relationship), a surname she had used for many years. She didn't. But we all knew who was who!

Silly bugger was separated from 2nd Mrs within a few years after that.

Don't change your ways to accommodate his life event. It has nothing to do with you.

My goodness, the future mrs. ex certainly has high expectations for her personal comfort.

@justustwoandmoo Wow that's actually really fucking cheeky of your ex's partner to demand you change your name its none of her business whether you keep your married name or not. I would have replied along the lines of "It's nothing to do with her whether I choose to keep my married name or not and she needs to fuck off and mind her own business!" Or you could sarcastically reply that "since she wants me to change my name I assume SHE will be paying for me to do it via deed poll?" Give her a taste of her own cheeky fucker medicine she won't like that. 🤣🤣

However if you don't want to be as direct and blunt as me maybe politely but firmly reply "What name I choose to use is my choice and is none of your wife's business and its quite cheeky to ask the answer is NO please don't bring this up again" for fuck sake its just a name not a bloody royal title!! She sounds controlling and insecure, if you give in to this OP she'll start thinking she has a right to have a say in your life and her demands will get bigger next thing you know she'll think she has a right to have a say in how you parent and overrule your decisions nip it in the bud now and keep firm boundaries in place with this woman because I can see trouble ahead cheeky fuckers get worse the longer their behaviour is allowed to continue.

I don't think its strange you've kept your married name plenty of women do after divorce. My mother kept hers including the Mrs title for nearly 20 years after she divorced my father and he was the husband from hell I wouldn't have blamed her for going back to her maiden name but my mum couldn't be arsed with the hassle of the paperwork and paying by deed poll to change it and my stepdad had no issue with it either.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

Give him 3 options

A - she gets over it and you all 3 and your daughter have the same last name

b - he takes her name so they match but he will no longer have the same last name as his daughter

C - you change your name back but you change your daughters at the same time either to yours or double barrelled

This absolutely. Tell him that’s fine but you’ll be changing your daughters too.

In your position I'd be saying that I'd like to keep the same name as my children, so either I keep the name, or they change to mine.

Please think of what you are asking of me here, its very much the same as me giving the option of our child changing their name subsequently after the divorce. That wouldn't feel right, and neither does your request.

I appreciate that your partner may not see it that way, but it is an unreasonable request that I no longer share the same last name as our child because our marriage broke down.

Tell HIM to change HIS name to HERS

Or tell him : No♡

Dont change your name op.its yours !!!
You do not have "give up" the name because the new wife to be wants it

You can both have it.
No need to give yours up

Say no
And ignore

Or even better just ignore