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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 16/02/2022 22:36

You do what you want to do.

That's all.

Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:37

I agree with @newbiename and even @scooterbear accepts it's her identity and even if she feels weird it's not her call

Weird that you n Ex DH get on so well and the new about to be Mrs DH is overstepping. She doesn't get to own a name! Nor does Ex DH!!! She has to accept she will be the second wife and live with it!

Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:38

The new woman sounds like a total cow - and an insecure one at that.

That's how it is presenting

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/02/2022 22:40

It's your name. Carry on.

WaterBottle123 · 16/02/2022 22:40

Ex changing his name to hers is the logical solution.

MunchyMonsters · 16/02/2022 22:44

I've only just realised that DH's ex has his surname. It's been her surname for 20 year. Wouldn't (and didnt) even occur to me. Who cares. Its just a name.

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/02/2022 22:45

So SHE can have the same surname as your daughter instead of you? Absolutely no chuffing way! Unless you wanted to change your daughter's surname too?

HiKelsey · 16/02/2022 22:47

I don't see the problem tbh 🤷‍♀️ you've been married for so long that you've had less years in your maiden name so why change now. I on the other hand have only had my ex husbands name for 5 years so rushing to change it back even though me and DD will have different surnames. But our split was far from amicable so

NeedAHoliday2021 · 16/02/2022 22:48

He can take her name instead then they can share a surname and you keep same name as Dd. That’s what I’d suggest and it’s less ridiculous than their request. You didn’t borrow the name, it’s your family name.

RantyAunty · 16/02/2022 22:48

I hope he's realised how ridiculous the request is.

Why should you be inconvenienced with the hassle and expense to change your name?

Longhairdonotcare · 16/02/2022 22:50

I have a friend who remarried, her teenage daughter told her how sad she felt about the thought of having a different name to her mum and so she kept her surname.
Maybe her daughter will feel differently when she is older and considers marrying herself but it shows that having the same name as their mum is important to some children.

Iamnotamermaid · 16/02/2022 22:50

Tell them you'll think about it... and then forget about it. If they are prepared to ask something so stupid and petty they deserve to be left hanging whilst you do nothing.

BigRedDuck · 16/02/2022 22:51

Well cheeky. A names a name. You could change it to anything you bloody like or just leave it because it's a name! If I were to ever be divorced from DH I would never change my name back to my maiden name. I hate my maiden name Grin

autienotnaughty · 16/02/2022 22:53

I kept ex surname until I remarried. Never bothered ex, don't know g it bothered his new wife. It did slightly bother my dh.

Bollindger · 16/02/2022 22:55

Tell him it's a GREAT idea, but your not going to do it, because you don't want to.

Livelovebehappy · 16/02/2022 23:03

Your DH is probably not bothered at all, but it will be his wife to be stamping her feet and dictating to him what he should do. Can’t see the marriage going for the long haul if this is how she means to go on. He might be happy to be controlled now but a couple of years in and he will get rid.

steff13 · 16/02/2022 23:07

@justustwoandmoo

Well no response so far so I'm hoping they might see how ridiculous the request is and let it go. Here's hoping!
That makes me wonder if he doesn't actually care either way and was just asking because she asked him to.
Hollywolly1 · 16/02/2022 23:10

she's afraid her husband will get the 2 mrs Davies mixed upGrinso suggest you become the original Mrs davies and then everyone be happy

Christmasfail · 16/02/2022 23:10

You're not being unreasonable.

Equally, I don't think it's unreasonable for the new wife to ask. I wouldn't keep an ex-partner's surname, so would probably similarly see it as strange if I were a second wife (why is a first Mrs De Winter swanning around with my husband's surname?!)

But then, my child and I have different surnames and somehow have survived.

OP should do what she wants! - with no need to diagnose a sense of insecurity in the step-parent. Some people work on a principle of 'don't ask, never get' and expect to be told 'no'.

Maybe they are assuming concrete-level security on both sides and that they feel comfortable enough to ask Grin

BlondeWidow · 16/02/2022 23:13

@Alicenwonderland

I completely agree with you, it's much better to have the same surname as your children. Maybe suggest that you change your surname to your maiden name and the kids too, see what he says to that! 😜
Why is it 'much better' to have the same surname as your kids? I have a different surname to mine and it doesn't cause any issues whatsoever!? None
PyongyangKipperbang · 16/02/2022 23:20

"Dear ExHusband

Further to your text I have thought about it and, although I feel it is unnecessary, as a kindness to your future wife I have changed me name as you will see from the attach Deed Poll
I hope that this clears up any issues you may have.

Regards

Mrs FirstMrsExHusband"

To the pp who said about suggesting she change her childs name too, I dont think it was a serious suggestion to change the childs name but merely to illustrate how ridiculous this request is. He wont want his childs surname to be changed to be different from his, so hopefully will prove the point.

sjj257 · 16/02/2022 23:23

How ridiculous 🙄
My mum still has my dad’s name despite being divorced for 34 years

lisaandalan · 16/02/2022 23:23

Tell her to get stuffed, it was your name first and it's your daughter's, you want to have the same name as her. No amount of name changing will change the fact he married you first and he's a prick for asking. X

LightfoldEngines · 16/02/2022 23:24

My friends ex did this.

Because his new DWs first name was the same as her name… So they had the exact same name.

Friend told him to fuck off.

BlondeWidow · 16/02/2022 23:24

@CaMePlaitPas

I wouldn't even respond tbh.
I know of a few people who would take no response to mean you reluctantly agree to it.