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AIBU?

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Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 16/02/2022 22:04

Someone really asked what's the "obsession" with having the same name as your children? Really?

Then isn't it just as reasonable to ask what's the obsession with asking someone to drop their common surname so that they can feel like they share something unique with their new spouse, when it will be far from the case?

If this woman is deadset on making a precious bond with Mr Jones/Taylor, perhaps they can pick out a new name together. It's threads like these where you get a excellent example of how precious and ridiculous we are about names in this country.

I wonder how your ex would feel if you and his daughter both adopted your previous surname...

lightisnotwhite · 16/02/2022 22:11

@SmellyOldOwls

Sorry my post is not clear. I haven’t legally taken DH name. I just use it to book tables because everyone can spell it unlike mine.
But I still cringe if we are both in there as “Mrs white”. Feels like a harem ( small one).
So yeah cheers for the advice but obviously it’s redundant.

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/02/2022 22:12

Change your last name to her maiden name?

Gardeningcreature · 16/02/2022 22:15

If reply that he can change his name to hers. End of.

Applebrewsterstea · 16/02/2022 22:17

Tell him you’ll change the kids name too as you want to stay the same, that’ll shut him up.

PrinnyPree · 16/02/2022 22:17

If he brings it up again just say "I am not having a different name to my child! So unless you want their name changed to my maiden name too, don't push it!"

Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:21

I don't know why you are even listening to your ex and his new partner. Such a ridiculous request of course you want to keep same name as your DCs!!! And the name you use for work!

I was married longer than I had my maiden name for. It's my work and professional name under which I got many qualifications. I'm divorced and I still go by Mrs Ikg as all my DCs have this surname, I don't see any need to be a Ms or Miss, I'm a Mrs as I was married when I had my DCs. it's my name that's nothing to do with my ExH and I rarely even think of him- he buggered off and stop even paying a penny of maintenance the moment he could ghost his DCs!

He's remarried and she's the second Mrs Ikg .

Meh. I wouldn't think it any of her business if she or ex H contacted me, what name I use. But I'm sticking with my professional name- that I've lived with longest - as it's my identity and the same surname as my DCs.

NorthSouthcatlady · 16/02/2022 22:21

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo these are the only 3 options l would agree to

She’s mental. Plus petty and insecure. Good luck for their marriage!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/02/2022 22:21

It’s just a name. It would be a no from me too. I’d want the same name as my children; plus I’ve been married for fucking ever and have had my married name longer than my maiden name (plus my maiden name was fucking horrible and a source of constant teasing)

NorthSouthcatlady · 16/02/2022 22:22

@DillonPanthersTexas l did think of a name swap. Obviously it depends if her maiden names is any good, plus does it match OP and her daughters first names

cdba88 · 16/02/2022 22:23

It's not his name!!! It's YOUR name. Especially after so many years.

Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:23

His new fiancé can be the second Mrs justustwo

She's just pissed off that she's the second wife. She doesn't get to decide your identity or name and it's NOHB (none of her business!!)
Very few mothers want to change to a different surname to their DCs if they have a choice unless it was always a shite name

Highfivemum · 16/02/2022 22:24

Tell him you are willing to add a number 1 after it then new wife can add a 2
Cheeky buggers

Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:24

@MrsElijahMikaelson1

It’s just a name. It would be a no from me too. I’d want the same name as my children; plus I’ve been married for fucking ever and have had my married name longer than my maiden name (plus my maiden name was fucking horrible and a source of constant teasing)
This ^
Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:25

@Highfivemum

Tell him you are willing to add a number 1 after it then new wife can add a 2 Cheeky buggers
🤣🤣🤣🤣😎
Really18 · 16/02/2022 22:25

@Highfivemum

Tell him you are willing to add a number 1 after it then new wife can add a 2 Cheeky buggers
🤣😂🤣😂
Ikeptgoing · 16/02/2022 22:26

@Gardeningcreature

If reply that he can change his name to hers. End of.
Oooh that's a good suggestion! Say this!
ThreeRingCircus · 16/02/2022 22:28

There is no way in hell I'd have a different surname to my children so I would say absolutely not, or you could be extremely reasonable and generously offer to change your name back to your maiden name but of course you'll be changing your DCs surname at the same time.......

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 22:28

@Highfivemum

Tell him you are willing to add a number 1 after it then new wife can add a 2 Cheeky buggers
😂😂😂
jo55ie · 16/02/2022 22:29

YANBU
How ridiculous and insecure is she. I never changed my name as I didn't want a different surname my children either. I did change later in life when I remarried.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2022 22:30

You can be called anything you like, and to me it makes sense to have the same name as your Dd. Even though I don’t, as I never changed my name when I was married, and was foolish enough to agree to the dc having exh’s name. I didn’t think it was important at the time.

Weirdly, exh made a hoo ha about not wanting our kids to be double barrelled, but now his subsequent child with his current partner has double barrelled! I don’t know if that’s because they aren’t married or because her name connects to another culture or what.

I think if your ex and his dp / future dw push back, you should suggest he change his name to hers.

Lineofconcepcion · 16/02/2022 22:31

@SexyLittleNosferatu

I suspect for some people, like me, they may have hated their maiden name

Hated it but could only think of one single way to change it and that was to marry a man?

Why do you assume I married a man? Shock
newbiename · 16/02/2022 22:32

@scooterbear

Dp's ex wife has retained his name. In an ideal World I wish she hadn't. Especially when we get married as she has gone out of her way to be awful to him and now to me. However it's also the name of their kids so of course she will want to keep it-and I would never dream of asking her to do otherwise, whatever I feel about it. It's one thing to feel it, it's another thing ti actually expect anyone else to give a monkeys!
It's her name. It doesn't belong to him.
eastegg · 16/02/2022 22:35

@givethatbabyaname

You can say yes to your ex, on condition that your DD changes her surname to your maiden name too
Why do people keep suggesting this? OP hasn’t given any hint that she would be happy with this. In fact she said she didn’t want hassle, and changing your child’s name would be a hassle. Why on earth would she want to do it? DD is a person not a puppy.

OP you don’t need to give exP solutions. Just say no.

strawberrycheesecake1989 · 16/02/2022 22:35

Your ex is a total wet wipe / tosser to even approach you and ask you this. He should’ve straight away told her no. He should understand and support that you’d want to keep it the same - especially given that you have a child together with the same surname.

I know a handful of women who have grown up kids and have been divorced for 20 years and were married for much less than that and still have their ex’s surname. Both remarried and the husband has never said oh can you change it back new fiancé is finding it uncomfortable 😳

The new woman sounds like a total cow - and an insecure one at that.