Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

YANBU. My DM kept her married name when she divorced to stay the same as me and my sister. My DF remarried and new wife took his surname. There was no drama, no one needed to change their surname. She's being ridiculous!

When you give a name, you don't get to take it back .
The receiver can change it, if they wish, as it is their identity.
Once you give it, it is out of your control.

• Unrelated but that goes for nicknames too, you can't force anyone to use a nickname just because you want them too, they have to evolve naturally.

They are def having a bicker. He prob said it sounded silly and she wanted him to ask.

I'd say no, he can change his name if he wants, you've done it once.

I'm not married have no idea if I would take my partners name but probably would as my children has his. I can say with utmost certainty that I wouldn't be changing my name that I had for 20 years just because it made someone uncomfortable. She is having a absolute laugh

It’s your name and your children’s name. She needs to grow up and accept that.

@justustwoandmoo

Well no response so far so I'm hoping they might see how ridiculous the request is and let it go. Here's hoping!

Or she has been giving him earache about it, so he messaged you and your response will magically change to "Oh she said she'll get round to it eventually" in the hopes that she will drop it!

Of course what we all know what he should do is tell her to cop on to herself but sounds like he wont so.....

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

YANBU. The poster keeping the name on remarrying (even that’s fair enough) but giving her subsequent children her exDH’s and not their father’s (her present DH’s) surname I find a bit odd.

If you were talking about my post, it was very clear that was a joke. At least to everyone but you.

My exH new wife was like this, she used to ask my DD ‘when’s your mum going to change her name’ I ignored it and kept my name for the same reasons. They have been married a couple of years now and although I have no doubt it still grates on her, it’s not been mentioned again

Ha! As if!

She is being RIDICULOUS!

My ex is similarly dickish and didn't want wife 2 to have the same name as he and I as I'd kept the name same as you op for same reasons plus I HATED my maiden name (always had)

So ex upon marriage took wife 2's name instead

The result is I've had "his" name by now for longer than he did while with her certainty longer than I was married to him

Even more unreasonable given it's a common name - as is mine

What is the obsession with having the same surname as your children?

Because quite honestly :

1 it makes a lot of bureaucratic crap a lot easier!

2 NOT having the same name as your dc in many cases ADDS to the stigma of single motherhood which YES still exists!

Plus it's pita and can be expensive changing a name fully and legally

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

YANBU. The poster keeping the name on remarrying (even that’s fair enough) but giving her subsequent children her exDH’s and not their father’s (her present DH’s) surname I find a bit odd.

Also, you missed the point that I was going to make my new husband take my ex husband's name, so the children's name would, in fact, be their father's name.

@NellyDElephant

Do you have the same first name OP? I’m in the difficult situation where DPs exW has the same first name as me, there’s no shortening or changing it, think ‘Sarah’ (it’s not this) and we both spell it the same way. She’s kept married name - which is fine - but if I marry DP, which we have discussed, we will both be Mrs Sarah Smith * I think DP chose me particularly for my first name, as he’s so shit with remembering names, he would have accidentally called me the wrong name within the first week, otherwise!

Or, here's a novel idea, you keep your name or your dp changes his.

It's your name and as you say, you want to have the same surname as your child.

Do what suits you and not what suits them.

She really has too much time on her hands.

I’m also going against the grain here.
I didn’t take DH name as my son had my name. I just use DH same for restaurants and bookings because it’s easier to spell than mine.

I do find it a tad cringe when I’m in the pub with his ex wife and we are both Mrs White because of the same bloke marrying us both.

I understand the argument about fathers passing on their name but equally they also give us half their DNA. It’s not the same as changing name by marriage. Ad my friends who want ri be “ Mrs Wesplitupyears ago” instead of ms just wide me up.

They are batshit. You've had that name nearly half your life. Why don't you ask your dc if they all want to change to a new name!? Kidding.

Tell her she can **#%>%^€

What is the obsession with having the same surname as your children

I do. DD's name is mine, not DH's.

I kept my married name to be same as DP. I don’t care what anyone else thinks!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=v1c2OfAzDTI

Anyone else now got this in their head?

Been divorced 18 years, married for 23. I changed my name to his when I married because it seemed the norm then - I don't know anyone who didn't, in my circle at least. He never actually asked if I would revert to my old name but I genuinely feel he would have preferred it and so would his new wife. I think he knew that it was unreasonable and understood that I wanted to keep the same surname as my two DS who were teenagers when we divorced.

You can call yourself what you like and it is absolutely none of his business - or his wife's.

@lightisnotwhite

I’m also going against the grain here. I didn’t take DH name as my son had my name. I just use DH same for restaurants and bookings because it’s easier to spell than mine.

I do find it a tad cringe when I’m in the pub with his ex wife and we are both Mrs White because of the same bloke marrying us both.

I understand the argument about fathers passing on their name but equally they also give us half their DNA. It’s not the same as changing name by marriage. Ad my friends who want ri be “ Mrs Wesplitupyears ago” instead of ms just wide me up.

Oh dear. Maybe you should change your name to avoid the cringe?

Dp's ex wife has retained his name. In an ideal World I wish she hadn't. Especially when we get married as she has gone out of her way to be awful to him and now to me. However it's also the name of their kids so of course she will want to keep it-and I would never dream of asking her to do otherwise, whatever I feel about it. It's one thing to feel it, it's another thing ti actually expect anyone else to give a monkeys!

Do you mix in the same social circle as your ex and his new partner? If not why on earth does it matter?

I have never heard anything so ridiculous. How utterly childish and immature. Imagine if word got around about their request (and you know if would) with mutual friends and family. I don't think I would even respond to it. It's downright laughable. Maybe just m say 'obviously I thought you were joking' follows quickly by 'no it was mine first'.

Couldn't wait to get into your bed, now she wants your name. Whatever next.

YANBU. Are you sure its the new partner and not your ex? If it was her, he must agree with her or he wouldn't have passed on the message.