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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
echt · 16/02/2022 20:37

Could you change it to TheFirstMrsX? :o

goodnightgrumble · 16/02/2022 20:39

Going against the grain! I took my maiden name back straight away and the kids still had their dads name. I wanted to be rid of him and I felt that was one way of doing it. It was a hit name too. Does not bother me having a different name to the kids as I think it is so common now!

Artesia · 16/02/2022 20:41

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.
I have been divorced for over 15 years and still use my “married” name. I changed my name on marriage- that became my name. It wasn’t loaned to me, it’s my name. My professional reputation is linked to that name. My children have that name. Why should I “give it back”? And my ex-he’s new wife knew what she was getting into when she started an affair with a married man, so whether or not she’s pissed off with me for keeping the name is of little consequence to me.
RosiePosieDozy · 16/02/2022 20:43

I'm with you. It's absurd of them to think they're being reasonable by asking you to change your name. What you call yourself is nothing to do with them.

You don't want to change it, so don't.

2DogsOnMySofa · 16/02/2022 20:44

Why don't you suggest she uses Mrs Davies II

Dibbydoos · 16/02/2022 20:46

What a stupid request. Some people are very possessive aren't they.

If you're happyveith your name, keep it. I agree it gers complicated gabingca diff surname to your children.

If I ever get married again after widowhood, I won't be taking on a new surname, I'll stick to tge same one as my kids....

Wrenna · 16/02/2022 20:47

This reminds me of a place I worked. The President and his secretary had an affair and he ended up ditching his wife and marrying secretary, who was now the ‘Vice President’ 🙄. His ex used to call him at the office and say, “I need to speak to President, I’m Mrs. President his WIFE”. Needless to say at 20 I was very confused.
However, you are entitled to keep your name, it’s your business only.

Jvg33 · 16/02/2022 20:48

Haha. I would reply with a laughing emoji - 'im not Changi my name!' Very insecure new partner for him. I get it. I like having the same surname as my kids too.

GaraMedouar · 16/02/2022 20:49

Haha - just read opening thread and think No - I have kept my married name - I changed it legally when I married so it became mine. End of.
Both my children of the marriage have the surname so no issues travelling abroad etc
Then I had another child with a new partner and gave the baby my surname - (not maiden name but name I was now after marriage ) so that I and all three children have the same surname . Technically child number 3 has no biological link to the surname but it’s my name and we are a family. (The biological father has no input).

Original poster
justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 20:50

Well no response so far so I'm hoping they might see how ridiculous the request is and let it go. Here's hoping!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/02/2022 20:50

You do whatever you want to do here. You don't owe the new wife exclusive use of the surname.

I like the suggested responses here.

My exH went so far as to write my maiden name on child support cheques and in post divorce litigation against me used my maiden name on a motion he lodged with the court. The judge told him to stop playing silly games. Ex is pretty delusional and insisted I had changed my name back, and I was the one playing games. Judge wasn't buying it.

Puffalicious · 16/02/2022 20:51

Marielvanarklestinks It's so unbelievable STILL in this day and age. Professionally it's very common for me, so un-noteworthy, but the amount of kickback I've received generally is still shocking. The fact that I'm an atheist, feminist riles even more people. Bring it fucking on!

PinkTonic · 16/02/2022 20:56

@Jennyfromthere

I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not.
Does she have children with your husband?

I find it very odd that you see keeping the name that became hers upon marriage as clinging to her married identity. Some women would want to revert to their maiden name on divorce but many don’t, especially if they have children. The fact that you give this any consideration at all says more about you than the ex wife. I honestly don’t know what name my husband’s ex wife uses, I’ve literally never even wondered.

CrystalCoco · 16/02/2022 20:57

This is a ridiculous request, DH was divorced when we met, first wife kept his surname. When we married it never crossed my mind to give two shiny shits whether she was still eg mrs smith or even ms smith

I couldn't care less, it's history.

Felt more strange that MIL was eg mrs smith and so was I, so what should I have done about that? Ask MIL to change her surname? Grin

GreenDressRedWine · 16/02/2022 20:57

She’s a twat for asking him, he’s a twat for asking you.
I think I’d have messaged to say it was a great idea and that you and DC were all excitedly picking out a new name for your nice fresh start.

Billybagpuss · 16/02/2022 20:57

Did he answer?

DigitalGhost · 16/02/2022 20:58

Nobody owns a name so fk em.
I I'd want to keep the same surname as my children and even though my maiden name means alot to me it's not enough to be different from my kids.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 16/02/2022 21:01

“Morally give it back”?!! (An early poster)
I was in this situation. Divorced, all my documents, my career all in my married name. That’s what everyone knows me as.
He told me I should change it back to my maiden name and then proceeded to call my subscriptions etc to do that. I received post stating it had been changed. B*stard.
I have two children and want the same name as them. Simple as that. So I called all the businesses he’d contacted and changed it back again. A few had the decency to apologise.
It is your name and she should take a look at herself. It might well be her divorced in 10 years and the new wife says the same to her…..

Bonbon21 · 16/02/2022 21:06

Jennyfromthere

"I’m responding to comments. I’m a 2nd wife and not particularly bothered that DH’s ex still has her married name, i think it’s a bit sad that she clings onto her former married identity but no more than that. She thinks I’m annoyed and I let her think it, if it makes her feel irreplaceable crack on. She’s not."

Well crack on to you too....
I had my "married" name longer than I had my "maiden" name... it was/is the name by which I have been known all of my adult life.
I assure you I was not "clinging" when I decided to keep it after my divorce.. it is MY name... not borrowed, not inherited... MINE.
And I was/am far too busy and happy in my life to go to any hassle changing it.

So you carry on being not bothered and just a bit sad!!😂😂😂

NellyDElephant · 16/02/2022 21:07

Do you have the same first name OP?
I’m in the difficult situation where DPs exW has the same first name as me, there’s no shortening or changing it, think ‘Sarah’ (it’s not this) and we both spell it the same way. She’s kept married name - which is fine - but if I marry DP, which we have discussed, we will both be Mrs Sarah Smith Grin

  • I think DP chose me particularly for my first name, as he’s so shit with remembering names, he would have accidentally called me the wrong name within the first week, otherwise!
Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 16/02/2022 21:07

YANBU. The poster keeping the name on remarrying (even that’s fair enough) but giving her subsequent children her exDH’s and not their father’s (her present DH’s) surname I find a bit odd.

minionsrule · 16/02/2022 21:09

Would it be wrong to contact her directly to explain there's no point changing it as it will mean changing it again when the two of you inevitably get back together 🤭

Sally2791 · 16/02/2022 21:09

Ignore. You can call yourself whatever you want, and I have no interest in exH, but I choose to keep the same surname as my children. They can like it or lump it, and call themselves whatever they wish

TheKeatingFive · 16/02/2022 21:09

Wow, she can fuck right off. None of her god damn business.

This is what the cry/laugh emoji was made for.

Sally2791 · 16/02/2022 21:10

minionsrule love it!