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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 16/02/2022 19:52

When I divorced my ex, I had no intention of going back to just my maiden name - I double barrelled when married as my maiden name is rare - but then 9/11 happened, and the Australian government bought in that all names on your passport had to match that on your birth certificate. I also have French and British passports, and whenever I renew one I have to send in the others, so they have to all match.

Changing my birth certificate while living abroad would have been a long and expensive process...and I just didn't want to, anyway. So I've been back to my maiden name for a decade now and I've told my present partner that when/if we marry there's no way I'm changing it again!

My mother was married to my father for 23 years, he's been married to his second wife (the OW) for 26 years now ... she never even thought about changing her name. I would just reply 'No'.

ChickenStripper · 16/02/2022 19:53

His new partner is an idiot.

Puffalicious · 16/02/2022 19:54

@Volhhg

My mum kept her married name so that she had the same name as us. I'm so glad that she did too, I think I would have felt sad having a different name to my mum. She still has it now even at her age. No one has ever had a problem with this
Sad? WTAF? There's just so much of this on this thread. Why the absolute obsession from many that they have the same name as their children?! I just don't get it. Is it a hangover from the 50s when you were painted as a loose woman for having children outside marriage?!

Wonder what pearl clutching there would be by some when I told them I've never changed my name: 2DC have ex-H surname, 2DC has DHs surname and I'm just me, like I've been since I was born and known by professionally. The DC have my name as a middle name as I've never been bothered about having them matching me. I really, really don't get it.

lunar1 · 16/02/2022 19:55

@Notahandmaid

I've just checked and my DP's ex has his name still. They were only married for a short time! I find it a bit weird tbh that there's someone out there with his surname (no kids from the marriage).
It's her name, it isn't a loan.
Dentistlakes · 16/02/2022 19:56

I wouldn’t keep my married name if I divorced but I understand why you want to. Having a different surname to your child could cause issues when travelling and it’s also a hassle to change it back. There’s really no reason why the new partner can’t have the same surname. Maybe she could double-barrel her surname with your exe’s to make it different?

timeisnotaline · 16/02/2022 19:56

I’d probably reply ‘ok, if you could fill out and sign name change forms for dd to my maiden name so I can submit them together? Let me know when I can have those. Thanks’

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 16/02/2022 19:57

Not only would I not give it back, I'd take it more! Grin

@steff13 this might be my favourite thing I’ve ever read on mumsnet 😂

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 19:58

@lunar1 - can't quote your message for some reason but I find it weird that she would want to keep it when they were married for such a short time (and relatively late in life too). She's with someone else and has children with new guy now. Understandable if they were married for decades and they had kids but there were no kids involved and the marriage lasted months.

FeedMeSantiago · 16/02/2022 19:58

It is your name and you have every right to keep it. It isn't on 'loan' to you to be removed from you against your will, for any reason.

My Dad's ex wife didn't change her name back to her previous name. It's never been an issue and Dad's been married to my Mum for over 30 years now. Mum chose to take Dad's name - EW not changing her name again didn't prevent Mum from doing so.

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/02/2022 19:58

Wow, it is absolutely none of her business what name you use.

I know plenty of divorced women who have continued to use their married surname.

ParalysisByAnalysis · 16/02/2022 19:59

So people feel differently to you. Big deal.

Nowomenaroundeh · 16/02/2022 19:59

I would be angry about this. Why does he think that her feelings should be a consideration in a decision like this? He's asking you to change your flipping name to keep HIS partner happy. Will he be running all his decisions by your partner (current or future). How ridiculous.

I am the second wife and the concept of DH asking his ex to do something (anything) to keep me comfortable is ludicrous. I'm with him, I'm not with her. Why should she be concerned with keeping me happy?

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 20:00

Mention the relatively late in life because it's not as if they married at 21 and were together then for a while and then got divorced. She was her name for far longer and then was married to him for a short time. They've been divorced for years yet she still has his name.

lunar1 · 16/02/2022 20:00

What on earth is wrong with all the posters suggesting that the children's names are changed as well! There is no need for anyone to go to all that hassle ffs.

Absolutely nothing if forcing the new wife to share the same name. The op and children are fine as they are.

Cantleave · 16/02/2022 20:00

I totally see why you want to keep the same name as your children. It simplifies things!

My dd and her dp decided they weren’t having children. After they had been together for 10 years, she found out she was accidentally pregnant. She had the baby, my dgd. They have now decided to get married, one of the reasons being that they will all then have the same surname.

Each to their own. Do what you want op!

TakeMe2Insanity · 16/02/2022 20:01

Hell no!

Write back and say you want the same name as dc, if its still a problem you AND dc will change to your maiden name.

My mother divorced my father some 30 years ago and is still Mrs X despite him going through 2 other marriages and finally dying. Her reasoning all her work certification was in that name and it was her identity now.

User8721643839 · 16/02/2022 20:03

Bluff it. Tell him you will change both your name and your child's name to your maiden name, then you will still have the same name

OchonAgusOchonOh · 16/02/2022 20:05

[quote Gorzabee]@OchonAgusOchonOh according to the BBC article I read on this a survey was conducted in 2016 and found that almost 90% of British women have either changed their name or intend to change their name upon marriage. I have friends who live in London who all retained their maiden names some due to building a reputation in that name at work.[/quote]
It does seem more prevalent in the UK. I'm in Ireland.

That said, I assume it depends on your social circle. At work, there are a few women who have changed their names but most haven't. Same with my friends and those I went to uni with.

The primary school my kids went to, most women kept their name (it was a small school so I knew a lot of the parents). Secondary seemed to be the opposite but as it was a big school, I would have known much few of the parents.

housemaus · 16/02/2022 20:05

My mum kept her name after her and my dad divorced - they got married at 20 and it'd been her name for 10 years, pretty much her entire adult life to that point.

She was no more Sarah Maidename than she was Sarah Marriedname - her entire working life (mostly), most of her friends, etc all had only known her as that. My grandparents pulled their face a bit (it's quite an uncommon name and they're snobs) but by that point it was her name too - it wasn't some gift he bestowed on her.

Anyway I'm very glad she kept it and my dad's new wife (who is a normal, rational nice person) refers to my mum as 'Mrs Marriedname mark 1' because everyone gets on well! Grin

generallyfailing · 16/02/2022 20:06

@User8721643839

Bluff it. Tell him you will change both your name and your child's name to your maiden name, then you will still have the same name
100% this!
Datsandcogs · 16/02/2022 20:06

I think it’s an unreasonable request.

It depends how you feel. I would not agree to being a different surname to my children. Ask you EXDP if he would be happy for your child to also change their surname, there’s your answer (and only if they cover all costs for you and your child).

OchonAgusOchonOh · 16/02/2022 20:07

@Dentistlakes

I wouldn’t keep my married name if I divorced but I understand why you want to. Having a different surname to your child could cause issues when travelling and it’s also a hassle to change it back. There’s really no reason why the new partner can’t have the same surname. Maybe she could double-barrel her surname with your exe’s to make it different?
I've never had any trouble flying with my kids, despite us having different surnames.
CandyLeBonBon · 16/02/2022 20:07

I couldn't be bothered with the aggro of changing everything. Plus the fact that I had two maiden names - the name I was born with and the name I was given when my mum decided it was a good idea to let my stepdad adopt me.

Both my father and stepfather were arseholes and I have no attachment to either name so wouldn't revert and I couldn't be arsed with the faff of creating a new name when the kids were little because I frankly didn't need the extra work involved.

To those who don't get it - you do you! If you want to revert, go for it - but don't call those who decide not to 'sad' or whatever - that just makes you sound goady and unpleasant!

It's easier to all have the same name.

Funnily enough though I recently did my family tree and my grandma on my real dad's side actually had the same maiden name as my married name! Names are not exclusive property!

HeadNorth · 16/02/2022 20:07

YANBU - you didn’t borrow his surname, you took it. It is now as much your name as his. In fact, you could have a hissy fit the new wife plans to use ‘your’ name and ask her not to. That would be just as logical ie utterly bonkers.

MsWalterMitty · 16/02/2022 20:08

Just say okay… but I’ll be changing the kid’s name too