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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
VeganAvoToast · 16/02/2022 19:34

My Mum and Dad divorced over 25 years ago and my Mum still uses her married name.

I wish she had reverted herself and my brother and I back to her maiden name when we were young In a way, as my Dad and I are estranged and he turned out to be an unsafe person, so I hate my surname, it feels like a burden. In that sense I can understand how meaning can be attached to a name. But my feelings about my name are something only I think about. Nobody else gives a shit about other people's names.

As your divorce was amicable, I can see why you wouldn't bother changing your name, and see it as a non issue. I don't think you are BU.

Gazelda · 16/02/2022 19:34

I kept my married name after my divorce.

One of the (several) reasons was that my email address includes my married surname.

I've since remarried and changed my name again. It always raises an eyebrow when I say my email address and it obviously doesn't match the surname name I use😂

Thehobbit2013 · 16/02/2022 19:36

I would reply with:

Dear ex Not a problem can see where your wife to be is coming from. As soon as you arrange and pay for DD name to be changed by deed pole to my maiden name. I will follow suit and revert to my maiden name

keeptheaspidistra · 16/02/2022 19:36

Assuming your motivation to keep your name isn't to spite her (which that doesn't seem to be the case) can't see any reason for you to change it. I'm guessing she wants you to change your surname so it doesn't seem like you were romantically linked to her husband... but you were, you were married and no matter what your name nothing's going to erase that so she needs to demonstrate some maturity and get over herself. If they want to be that precious over surnames the groom can take the brides name or double barrel both their names.

It you want that name, keep it!

watchingrnfire · 16/02/2022 19:36

Op keep your name as it is, it's completely bizarre that she feels threatened by you having your married name. I like my dh surname, even if we separated I would keep dh name because I don't like my maiden name and I don't associate my dh surname to be belonging to him only, it's a common surname that plenty of other people have.

Did you get a reply to your text mssg?

Applesonthelawn · 16/02/2022 19:36

Of course you shouldn't change it, it's ridiculous. You didn't need to change it in the first place but once that's done, you don't need to change it back again. And she's ridiculous to care what name you have.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/02/2022 19:37

Bonkers!

Just say that you won’t be because you want to have the same name as your daughter, and don’t engage further

Also you could entertain yourself by referring to her as the second Mrs Moo Grin

whatk8ydid · 16/02/2022 19:38

I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting to have the same surname as your daughter (or for keeping the name you've had for practically all of your adult life). Perhaps you could offer to change yours back as long as he agrees to sign the paperwork changing your daughter's surname to match yours? If nothing else, it might make him think about why this tie feels so important to you.

Riv · 16/02/2022 19:38

Well I think he should change his surname to hers when they marry - problem solved all round.

HoneyFlowers · 16/02/2022 19:39

It's none of her business!

Properjob · 16/02/2022 19:39

This makes me so angry on your behalf OP.....change your and the kids names to something new. Not your pathetic exs or indeed your father's name. Why. Choose the name you have always wanted!! Like I did! (But mindful here of the children's opinions. Of course you will keep the name you are used to now. Its your choice)

notthatonethisone · 16/02/2022 19:42

Madness. I'm in the same position. Amicable split. Kept the same name as I don't want the hassle of being asked if I'm related to my own kids. It was the only bloody reason I took his name.

I've told the kids when they're adults I'm going to change my name to my mums maiden name because it's waaaaay cooler than my maiden name and I've always wanted it

I'd make it their problem. Just say you want the same name as the kids. See what he suggests. That's if he doesn't come to senses after your text!

buddylicious · 16/02/2022 19:42

Tell them you will change it as long as your daughter changes hers too.

Why should the new wife have the same name as your daughter and you don't? That means she can take her abroad with her passport but you, as her
Mum, can't!

Minniem2020 · 16/02/2022 19:43

My parents split up over 30 years okay and my mum still kept her married name. DF remarried around 25 years ago and my stepmum never had an issue with this, or if she did she kept it to herself.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 19:44

Assuming your motivation to keep your name isn't to spite her (which that doesn't seem to be the case) can't see any reason for you to change it.

Even if that WAS the reason, it's still OPs name to keep and therefore still no reason to change it back.

misspercy · 16/02/2022 19:46

Would your ex agree to changing your children's surname to your maiden name? And then you change your name back to your maiden name?

I mean... why should you be the one with the different name to the kids?

diddl · 16/02/2022 19:47

Someone I know took his wife's surname when they married-he wasn't fussed about his own & preferred hers.

They are divorced & both remarried.

The husband kept his surname so his second wife also has it.

The second husband also took his wife's surname!

alcopoop · 16/02/2022 19:47

[quote WhoppingBigBackside]@alcopoop, not when it's been your name for a years and it's your DC's name[/quote]
Totally. That's why I feel said that women are often so eager to relinquish their name and the names of their children to their husband.
It doesn't have to be the default.

chaosrabbitland · 16/02/2022 19:47

no i wouldnt be changing it back to the maiden either , iv been seperated 13 years from my ex husband ,but i dont want our daughter to feel shes got one surname and i have another so iv kept it for that reason plus iv just got used to it as well

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 19:48

I've just checked and my DP's ex has his name still. They were only married for a short time! I find it a bit weird tbh that there's someone out there with his surname (no kids from the marriage).

BABAHOTEL · 16/02/2022 19:48

Tell her to get a grip!!

SD1978 · 16/02/2022 19:48

Im sorry she feels that way, but as the children's surname is x I will be keeping the same surname, as it's the same as theirs. Unless you want us all to change it to Y to make your fiancé feel more comfortable?

caringcarer · 16/02/2022 19:48

She is being rediculous. Tell him you will be keeping the same name as your child. They can do what they want. Ask him if he would like to take her name so not have name his child has that is what he is asking you to do.

ParalysisByAnalysis · 16/02/2022 19:49

I think if I separated from my husband I’d be desperate to change my name back to my maiden name (I already wish I’d kept it anyway). But in reality I’d probably keep my name as I wouldn’t want to have a different name from the kids.

I’ll be telling my girls not to change their names on marriage though. My married name has never felt like “my” name. I contemplated keeping it and DH wasn’t that fussed about it but weirdly enough it was my mum that talked me into changing it.

BertieQueen · 16/02/2022 19:50

I know a women who was marrying someone who had been married before and the ex wife had kept the name so she was the same as the children. They ended up picking a whole new surname and the husband changed to it, he ended up having a different name to his kids from his 1st marriage. It was very strange.

No way would I change my name to be different from my children, he has been married before and she has to deal with it.