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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
ImALittlePea · 16/02/2022 19:22

@theleafandnotthetree

What is the obsession with having the same surname as your children? It didn't even occur to me to change my name when I got married so there was nothing to 'do' when we seperated. I can't really remember any scenario where having different surnames mattered a damn beyond a quick one line clarification. Flights on your own with the kids maybe but a simple note from the ex clarifying you're their mum solves it. Everything I have achieved in my life, every job, every qualificayion, every publication is in the same name from birth to now. I can't know how anyone would want anything different apart from a few short years of early childhood when it might, might, be slightly confusjng
But surely if you had actually had the same surname as your child for however many years, you wouldn't want to change it to another name because someone else would prefer you to have a different surname? Not ever having had the same name as the child is a different thing.
Bootothegoose · 16/02/2022 19:23

Hi X,

I appreciate why this makes you uncomfortable, however I won’t be changing my name. The children are both Edwards and as their Mum I want the same name as them.

Hope you’re having a great week x

Ignore any further texts.

alcopoop · 16/02/2022 19:24

I do think it's a little strange to keep the name of someone you are no longer married to though. My solution is not to change my name at all.

Mirw · 16/02/2022 19:24

Tell her to p** off. You are entitled to keep the name you have as Mrs. She can have any name she wants, but she hadms to remember, she is No 2, not 1,and you have just as much right as she dies. As I said, thmell her to get over herself and p off.

custardbear · 16/02/2022 19:24

Tell him to take her surname instead - everyone's a winner 🤣

nitsandwormsdodger · 16/02/2022 19:25

How would he even know your legal name ?
Just reply yeaah ! I changed it 2 years ago please address future x mascards to ms GOAT mother fucker. Or what ever would amuse you

Really18 · 16/02/2022 19:25

I would agree on the condition that he consent to your child's surname being change to your maiden name and also agrees to pay all the accociated costs. F him and his name.

WhoppingBigBackside · 16/02/2022 19:26

@alcopoop, not when it's been your name for a years and it's your DC's name

BurntO · 16/02/2022 19:26

Just say no. You were his wife, you changed your name, it’s a part of your life forever and that name is now a part of your history. She’ll have to get over it

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/02/2022 19:27

Has he replied?

BurntO · 16/02/2022 19:27

@custardbear

Tell him to take her surname instead - everyone's a winner 🤣
Wait I love this, do this Grin
DarkCorner · 16/02/2022 19:28

YANBU. I'd clarify that you are known as Ms now not Mrs. And also let him know that you are keeping the name so that you have the same name as your DD. Maybe suggest you and DD could both change names to your maiden name if it's an issue Grin.

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 19:28

@SoupDragon

Ah but people do this to women all the time, in real life and on mumsnet, in the name of "tradition". So much social pressure on women to change their surnames after getting married, even in 2022. And for women who don't change their surnames after marriage, or have children and are not married, there seems to be an automatic expectation that the children have the father's surname and not the mother's

Equally, on MN people are constantly telling women what their name should be by telling them not to change it and belittling those that choose to change. Just like you've done in your post.

When 90% of women change their surname still because we/society considers our husband's identity to be more important than the wife's, we can't then complain if women are treated as second class citizens still. I think it's one of the first steps we could take to be a more equal society - not changing our names on marriage. Not every society does it yet it's something that's still done in the UK.

I have many independent, professional friends who have forged lives and careers before they married. Yet one of the first things they do after they get married is to go on Facebook and proudly change their surname. Men don't do this and are not expected to. It's the double standards that have bothered me since I was a teenager and realised that I would be expected to change their name on marriage but my brothers wouldn't.

lolacherricoke · 16/02/2022 19:28

It's legally your surname too! If she is unhappy, let him change his surname to hers!

me4real · 16/02/2022 19:28

No, if you like/feel attached to the name, keep it.

Wanting to have the same surname as your DC is another understandable reason and one a lot of women keep their married name for.

DarkCorner · 16/02/2022 19:29

Tell him to take her surname instead - everyone's a winner

Oh yes, I like this idea!

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2022 19:29

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.
Well to be fair, I think that's tough.

She had the name before you and if you don't want the same one (and unless it's very unusual - Ogg for example!!) then there's loads of people out there with the same one.

Get him to change it to yours?

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 19:29

Having said that, in this instance, because there is a child involved, I do think the OP should keep her surname because clearly - and understandably - she wants to have the same surname as her DC.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 16/02/2022 19:30

Tell them you'll change to Mrs xxxxx the first! Grin

Dogscanteatonions · 16/02/2022 19:30

They're being ridiculous. I also kept my married name as I wanted my name to be the same as my kids.

As soon as my ex married, his new wife (who I have never had a problem with) started signing parental consent forms for the school - she also had the same first initial as me - so the school thought I was signing them and I didn't know what was going on half the time as I hadn't even seen letters that she was signing that came back on the days they were with their dad.

Electriq · 16/02/2022 19:32

Having a son with a different name and the problems I have, I wish I'd given him my surname and I also know plenty of people who want to keep their married name.
I think you should offer to change it, only if you can change your daughters name too,to help him understand why you don't want to change it.

Personally don't get the problem, your surname is none of her business.

britneyisfree · 16/02/2022 19:32

I'm still married to my first husband but I reckon I'll remarry one day Wink
I won't be changing my name again I'm sticking with the same as my daughter.

anon12345678901 · 16/02/2022 19:32

@Notahandmaid

I can kind of understand why the new partner would want the ex to change her name - though I think if there are children involved it becomes unreasonable.

It will remind the new wife that he has already promised to love and honour one person until 'death us do part' and that didn't work. My DP has a Mrs Hisname floating around, although she may have changed her name now, I don't know. I wouldn't change my name on marriage anyway but, if ever I decided to, it would bother me a little that there was a Mrs Hisname already out there. It does detract from the new wife's position a little.

However, I realise this is a very minority view on here!

Why though? Surely you can't forget you're wife no 2, you'll never be the only wife, you can be the only wife at that current moment, but otherwise you'll always be the second wife. Her changing her name wouldn't detract from that. Anyone who knew he had a wife before would again know you are the second wife, even if the first changes her name back.
AnotherEmma · 16/02/2022 19:32

@SoupDragon

Ah but people do this to women all the time, in real life and on mumsnet, in the name of "tradition". So much social pressure on women to change their surnames after getting married, even in 2022. And for women who don't change their surnames after marriage, or have children and are not married, there seems to be an automatic expectation that the children have the father's surname and not the mother's

Equally, on MN people are constantly telling women what their name should be by telling them not to change it and belittling those that choose to change. Just like you've done in your post.

Eh?! I haven't told anyone not to change their name, or belittled anyone who chose to change theirs Hmm Not that it's relevant to the thread, but I actually changed part (not all) of my surname after I got married. I feel very strongly about surnames, and I do encourage women to keep their surnames and give their surnames to their children (on other threads) but I don't think I "belittle" anyone Confused I do find that some people get very defensive indeed when it comes to this topic. Makes me wonder if it's a sore point.
ItsSnowJokes · 16/02/2022 19:33

Say yes that's fine and we will change daughters name to mine as well. I bet he soon shuts up.