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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 16/02/2022 19:09

I was married for over 15yrs, two DC. My married name is my family name. Far to much hassle to change all paperwork, professional registration stuff etc etc. Plus l like being Mrs and don't want to be Miss or Ms.

My ex has remarried 3rd time lucky! and knew better then to ask!

SexyLittleNosferatu · 16/02/2022 19:10

I suspect for some people, like me, they may have hated their maiden name

Hated it but could only think of one single way to change it and that was to marry a man?

Classica · 16/02/2022 19:10

[quote BuddhaForMary]@Notahandmaid but how would that work in practice then? Imagine how long surnames would be!

If every child had both its parents surname it would pan out like this:
John Jones Davies marries Liz Jarvis Anderson and they have a kid so she'd be Sophie Jones Davies Jarvis Anderson. And when she has kids her kids will have 8 surnames and so on! [/quote]
Someone alllllways says this.

Jennyfromthere · 16/02/2022 19:10

@TacCat49

My main worry would be that she wants some sort of claim on the child with the same surname. Tell her to piss off.
Why would that even be a thought?

Why would she want a claim on the child?

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 19:11

@Notahandmaid that just seems like a massive faff when it comes to documents and whatnot.

And I was actually kidding Wink

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 19:11

I also like the way that Iceland do surnames. No name changing on marriage and girls get called 'dottir' and boys get called 'son'.

So Jane and Sven's daughter would be Janesdottir and their son would be Svenson.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 19:11

@Classica I was KIDDING Hmm

Gorzabee · 16/02/2022 19:11

@OchonAgusOchonOh according to the BBC article I read on this a survey was conducted in 2016 and found that almost 90% of British women have either changed their name or intend to change their name upon marriage. I have friends who live in London who all retained their maiden names some due to building a reputation in that name at work.

tribpot · 16/02/2022 19:11

What a bizarre idea. I didn't change my name when I got married, but if I did I would certainly feel entitled to use it for as long as I wanted. You've gone through all the hassle of changing it, why should you do so again unless you want to?

Notahandmaid · 16/02/2022 19:12

[quote BuddhaForMary]@Notahandmaid that just seems like a massive faff when it comes to documents and whatnot.

And I was actually kidding Wink[/quote]
Less of a faff surely? No name changing on marriage so no admin on marriage or divorce and you just add both names to the child's birth certificate.

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 16/02/2022 19:12

No option that involves a double-barrelled name is a good one.

My DC's double-barrelled name is perfectly nice and reflects the surnames of their parents (one of whom has a foreign surname). It was the perfect compromise and makes them the only people with their name in the world (as far as we can establish).

MadForBurpees · 16/02/2022 19:13

@StillMedusa

My Dad (married 3 times) had a very unusual surname. There were only 4 in the local phone book... all were either the current or ex wives Grin No one kicked up a stink and no-one changed their names back. We did laugh about it though!
Aahh the phone book - I remember it well 😁
SoupDragon · 16/02/2022 19:13

That request would make me less likely to change my name back 😂

It's my name, I didn't just borrow it, and I prefer it to my original name. I would have laughed if XH had tried to suggest I change it back.

It's a ridiculous request.

AnotherEmma · 16/02/2022 19:15

@Mellowyellow222

Imagine trying to tell an adult what her surname should be! Crackers.
Ah but people do this to women all the time, in real life and on mumsnet, in the name of "tradition". So much social pressure on women to change their surnames after getting married, even in 2022. And for women who don't change their surnames after marriage, or have children and are not married, there seems to be an automatic expectation that the children have the father's surname and not the mother's Sad

Hence the annoying argument for changing your surname in order to have the same name as your kids. News flash: you can keep your surname and pass it on to your kids, too.

koalalala · 16/02/2022 19:16

YANBU

If I did have the same name as my kids (which is a regret of mine) I wouldn't change it either.

His new fiancé being precious is not your problem.

Bonbon21 · 16/02/2022 19:17

Oh the wee precious!!!
SO insecure... not sure a wedding ring will fix this level of twattery!!
Jog on....

Snugglepumpkin · 16/02/2022 19:18

You can change your name to pretty much anything you want just by filling in a form.
You don't have to marry someone to change your surname.

HMRC say they couldn't care less what you call yourself as long as you actually correctly pay your taxes (I have specifically asked them about name changing, they didn't even require paperwork) & use the right NI number or UTR.
If you want a passport in a new name you will need the Deed Poll.

I can change my name to his surname by accident if I pick the right one even though I've never met him.
I can be Snugglepumpkin Kardashian or Snugglepumpkin Deathstar if I want to be.

Nobody can stop me because the world does not run on 6 year old rules & you can't 'bagsy' a surname.

You can go change your name to Myexisa Fruitloop if you want or keep the one you have.
It's nothing to do with them.

Opus17 · 16/02/2022 19:18

your feelings about having the same name as your daughter is more important than the new wife's feelings regarding a bloody surname. Keep it.
DH's mum kept her married name despite being divorced for 15 years. She wanted to keep the same name as her boys and it was her identity for years.

alcopoop · 16/02/2022 19:19

I'd change my name and any children too. Then you get to keep the same name as your kids but don't have to share a name with bridezilla. Win/win.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/02/2022 19:19

Jane and Sven's daughter would be Janesdottir - traditionally she would be Svensdottir. Although nowadays yes some people also use mother's names.

ouch12345 · 16/02/2022 19:20

No way! They could take her surname if they are that bothered. My DMiL divorced 30+ years ago and remarried 25+ years ago and still has original married name as it's the same as DH and DSIL. Don't change it!

Nellle · 16/02/2022 19:21

@Hb12

"ok, let's change dd's too."

"Why don't you change when you marry?"

YES 👏👏👏👏
Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2022 19:21

Tell her to get lost. You’re just as entitled to your name as she is to adopt it when she marries your ex. And, as you’ve pointed out, this will mean that you have a different surname to your daughter. Just no.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/02/2022 19:21

Dying to hear his response to OPs message 😂

SoupDragon · 16/02/2022 19:21

Ah but people do this to women all the time, in real life and on mumsnet, in the name of "tradition". So much social pressure on women to change their surnames after getting married, even in 2022. And for women who don't change their surnames after marriage, or have children and are not married, there seems to be an automatic expectation that the children have the father's surname and not the mother's

Equally, on MN people are constantly telling women what their name should be by telling them not to change it and belittling those that choose to change. Just like you've done in your post.