Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

I didn’t change my name after divorce, purely because I didn’t want to have a different name to my children and because I thought it would make travel overseas easier with them. They are much older now and I have since remarried and taken my husbands name.

I would make sympathetic noises to the new Mrs X but decline to change for reasons above. I’d also point out that she isn’t just asking you to change your name, she is asking you to undertake a significant admin task that will come at cost to you. Very CF in my opinion.

Well she's an odd duck isn't she! It became your name the minute you changed it.

It must be exhausting to be bothered by something that doesn't affect her and isn't her business in any way whatsoever.

I'm surprised by some of these responses. I kept my married name after divorce because it's the name I'm known of professionally. If anyone asked me to change it, for any reason at all, I'd send the same response as you Op. But I'd be prepared to be a lot more forthright if they asked again.

YANBU. My Mum kept my step dads name after they divorced for exactly this reason (she has two younger children to him.

OP I had very similar. Divorced for many years but kept my married name. When exh married again a few years ago he tentatively suggested that his soon to be second wife was wondering if I would now be reverting back to my maiden name
Oh how I laughed

My mother in law kept her ex husbands name. It’s her childrens surname and she had it for longer than she had her fathers surname. It’s the surname she was known by professionally so of course she wouldn’t want to change it. MIL is not known as Mrs either.

Thank god my SMIL is reasonable and has never expressed any opinion on the matter, never mind demanding MIL change her name.

Why would it matter what the ex wife’s surname is.

I don’t understand why the new wife would care at all what the ex wife is called.

She could always be Mrs John Brown II.
It's done like that in America but only when the husband has the same name as his father.
You are never Mrs Jane Brown you are only ever Mrs John Brown. YOU are no longer Mrs John Brown but you can still use the surname, however, not with the title of Mrs.

I think it's a really silly request and her and you ex should be ashamed of themselves for even broaching it. She must be insecure if this bothers her.

However, I think changing your name back to your maiden name after divorcing can be very empowering for the woman. It's what I did despite then having a different name to my children. It never caused any confusion and who cares anyway? I know a few women who have kept their married name and 20+ yrs down there line they haven't moved on with new settled relationships and still seem bitter with their ex's. So maybe there is something to be said for changing the name as I didn't look back after I did it.

Also, I think in France that the woman has to give the husband the name 'back' when they divorce. Does anyone know if that's true?

Lol no response required. Keep your name

No it's your name. It's not just your name as long as you are married to him. It is your name.

Wow the audacity! My mum kept her married name when she got divorced from my Dad, as she wanted us to have the same name.

My husbands ex has kept his name, I’m presuming for the same reason that my Mum did. It never even crossed my mind to question it!

I reverted to Miss Lineofconcepcion when divorced instead of Mrs Lineofconcepcion. I don't see the issue personally, she sounds a bit unhinged . . .

Wonder if they've asked his mum to change her name too lol

None of this would be an issue if women didn't change their name upon getting married and the children were giving both parents' names as in many other countries. I have always been against name changing because it implies that a woman's identity comes second to her husband's on marriage [ducks for cover].

I don’t know why she even cares what your surname is to be honest.

Haven’t RTFT, only OP’s posts.

Well done for your response 👍 I was going to suggest saying that you have the same as DD, so you’ll have to change her name too. Or simply No, as my DSis did. Her ex cheated DSis refused to drop his name.

@Notahandmaid

None of this would be an issue if women didn't change their name upon getting married and the children were giving both parents' names as in many other countries. I have always been against name changing because it implies that a woman's identity comes second to her husband's on marriage [ducks for cover].

I suspect for some people, like me, they may have hated their maiden name . . .

@Notahandmaid but how would that work in practice then? Imagine how long surnames would be!

If every child had both its parents surname it would pan out like this:
John Jones Davies marries Liz Jarvis Anderson and they have a kid so she'd be Sophie Jones Davies Jarvis Anderson. And when she has kids her kids will have 8 surnames and so on!

I can kind of understand why the new partner would want the ex to change her name - though I think if there are children involved it becomes unreasonable.

It will remind the new wife that he has already promised to love and honour one person until 'death us do part' and that didn't work. My DP has a Mrs Hisname floating around, although she may have changed her name now, I don't know. I wouldn't change my name on marriage anyway but, if ever I decided to, it would bother me a little that there was a Mrs Hisname already out there. It does detract from the new wife's position a little.

However, I realise this is a very minority view on here!

She's an idiot. You can both have the same surname, she is just being ridiculous. Tell your ex that he and his new wife to be need to grow up.

Your choice to take his name. Your choice to keep it.
Tell him no backsies.

Does she think if you change your name back it undoes the fact he ever had a first wife and she can pretend it's her?

Imagine trying to tell an adult what her surname should be! Crackers.

[quote BuddhaForMary]@Notahandmaid but how would that work in practice then? Imagine how long surnames would be!

If every child had both its parents surname it would pan out like this:
John Jones Davies marries Liz Jarvis Anderson and they have a kid so she'd be Sophie Jones Davies Jarvis Anderson. And when she has kids her kids will have 8 surnames and so on! [/quote]
Of course it doesn't work like that! It works in many other countries. You don't keep adding names but choose which ones of your surname you want to pass to your children.

So John Jones Davies could marry Liz Jarvis Anderson and the kid could be Sophie Davies Anderson, depending on which names the parents feel they want to pass down. A friend of mine has done this and it wasn't an issue at all. She has both parents' names and passed down the matriarchal name because it meant more to her in her family.

My main worry would be that she wants some sort of claim on the child with the same surname. Tell her to piss off.