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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
pictish · 16/02/2022 18:38

It would be a polite but flat no from me. I couldn’t be bothered with the hassle and wouldn’t see her insecurity as my problem to solve.

MimosaFields · 16/02/2022 18:40

@Pr1mr0se

You are being a bit unreasonable not to see her point of view. However I can see the logic in keeping the same surname yourself as it's the same as your daughters....but one day your daughters surname will change. How will you feel about it then?
What a huge assumption that the daughter will ever change her name!!!! Has she told you that? Hmm
EsmeSusanOgg · 16/02/2022 18:40

Ask him if he'd be happy changing your Dad's name then. What an odd request.

MeridianB · 16/02/2022 18:41

YANBU OP! It’s an odd request and suggest new partner is insecure. Stick to your guns!

FloBot7 · 16/02/2022 18:42

I'm assuming you don't have the same first name? My DH's sister has the same first name as me and although she took a married name, I still find it weird that I have the name she grew up with. Can't even switch to my middle name amongst the family because that's his mum's name 🤣

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/02/2022 18:42

[quote RedWingBoots]@entropynow I have a rare last name as well. It means everybody who shares it is related in some way. So I actually want those who decide to change their name to it to keep it.

However I do know women who have changed their names in marriage from one common name to another, as others who married someone with the same common name e.g. a Dr Smith who married a Dr Smith.[/quote]
DD from my second marriage has a totally unique name, there is literally no one else in the world with her name! Her fathers surname was invented by his great grandfather as the family name was originally a slave owners name and he wanted to remove it from their line. Everyone with the name is related to second/third cousin degree. But as we double barelled it with mine when she was born she is one of the few people in the world to not share her name with anyone! I would be gutted if she changed it on marriage, and wish I had never changed my own and stuck with my maiden name all a long.

user1481840227 · 16/02/2022 18:43

I would just have said

"No I won't changing it as I'm keeping the same surname as the kids".

An amicable relationship is priceless, and sometimes requests will come up and it's fine to say no but it's always better to respond with maturity as your first response.

If they don't want to accept that and want to escalate it to an argument then that's on them, but I wouldn't respond to an initial request with an immature message!

TimeToDecideX · 16/02/2022 18:43

I would replying saying you'd do it providing he authorises your child to also changes their name so that you continue to have the same surname. I'd imagine he'd reply saying he doesn't want to have a different surname to his child in which case you can point out the obvious.

Lennybenny · 16/02/2022 18:44

I've been split 14 years. There are at least 6 other Mrs xxxx in the family. I kept my surname because of dc and school, docs etc etc.

YANBU she however is being cf and is a tad bit insecure methinks!

Classica · 16/02/2022 18:45

A higher proportion of second marriages end in divorce, so to anyone marrying a divorcee I'd say the sensible thing is not to change your name in the first place. Then you can avoid this scenario yourself further down the road.

ThanksItHasPockets · 16/02/2022 18:45

Tell him that although you won’t change your surname you will change your first name to Rebecca, and that you expect to be addressed as The First Mrs Surname from now on.

Terfydactyl · 16/02/2022 18:46

@steff13

The reasonable part of me would say "no, I'll be keeping my name."

The petty part of me would want to get remarried, make the new guy take my name, then have 4 more kids and give them all the name. Not only would I not give it back, I'd take it more! Grin

I like the cut of your jib here. I'd totally do the same.

Can we help OP think up a new name for her and her child?
Bich?
Clutterbuck?
Shufflebottom?
Cockburn?

Any of these take your fancy?

cherryonthecakes · 16/02/2022 18:46

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

Your logic is flawed. Why would she think it's necessary to piss you off? Most women who keep their ex's name will have reasons like wanting the same name as their kids, has had the name longer than their previous name so is attached to it, have a professional reputation with that surname or plain old cba.

The fact that you assume she's trying to piss you off suggests that you are annoyed.

dworky · 16/02/2022 18:47

Personally, I never underdstand why women keep men's names (or take them in the first place) but you definitely shouldn't capitulate to her demand. She's unreasonable & it'll never be enough.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 16/02/2022 18:47

@Everydayimhuffling

People don't get to take back a name. He could always -shock, horror- change to hers if they want a different "married name" to you. It's yours now, not just his.
I like that option or the earlier PP who suggested

b - he takes her name so they match but he will no longer have the same last name as his daughter

Did they offer to cover the costs of changing all your legal documents like drivers licence or passport, some compensation towards the hag of changing over household bills (good luck with that) and faffing about forever more if you need a DBS or ID check?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/02/2022 18:49

She's bonkers, and thats from someone who has the same first name as their partners ex.

EmpressSuiko · 16/02/2022 18:49

I’d respond that if I was to change my surname then I’d also be changing dd’s.
There’s so many people with the same name, it’s not going to make any difference to his new wife what your name is, she can still take on his surname as her own if she wishes to.

MimosaFields · 16/02/2022 18:49

It's a ridiculous request, and I'm one of the ones who never changed her name through marriage or divorce. It's YOUR name, no matter how your acquired it. Tell him to go and focus on making his marriage with this nutcase work. She must be incredibly insecure

1forAll74 · 16/02/2022 18:50

I have been divorced for many years now, over 30 years, i have always kept the surname of my now late Husband. He remarried three years after our divorce, and the new wife took his surname also. There had never been any issues with this, never talked about., I stayed friends with my ex, right up until he died six years ago.. I have been single since our divorce all those years ago,but will never change my surname.

musicviking1 · 16/02/2022 18:50

Most of my divorced friends and family have all kept their married name, for the same reasons you've mentioned. I would have just ignored ExH text.

SickAndTiredAgain · 16/02/2022 18:50

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

That doesn’t make sense, surely she chose to keep the name before you were involved?

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/02/2022 18:52

I had this last year when the divorce came though after 17 years separated.

I gave them my best are you crazy face and it's not been mentioned since

StillMedusa · 16/02/2022 18:53

My Dad (married 3 times) had a very unusual surname.
There were only 4 in the local phone book... all were either the current or ex wives Grin
No one kicked up a stink and no-one changed their names back. We did laugh about it though!

Lazypuppy · 16/02/2022 18:53

I would agree if he agreed to change dda name to yours. Use it as a bargaining chip!

Blinkingbatshit · 16/02/2022 18:53

I echo the suggestion that your exdh should consider taking his new wife’s name!

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