Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

[justustwoandmoo]

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

Changing names is a pain in the arse.

I would treat the request as a joke as much as possible. If he persists I'd go with the "If she wants the same name as you and you want to keep her happy, change your surname to hers. I will not be changing mine to something different to DD's."

Please don't go down the route of offering to change yours if DD's is changed too. Your DD would, for all her life, have to contend with extra documents when proving her identity. It's a pain and a fiancee's desire not to share a surname with the ex wife is not sufficient reason to put that burden on her.

@Jennyfromthere

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

I maybe projecting as I find that MN is full of first wives who are very bitter towards the second wife, but that’s more from a step parenting perspective.

Sorry to de rail, I’ll keep my nose out now.

My DC don’t have any stepmother. I don’t have stepparents. My ex hasn’t repartnered. None of my close friends are in blended situations. I have no skin in the stepfamily game. I imagine a combative or dysfunctional step family is hell so condolences for that @Jennyfromthere

Honestly, none of that is relevant to the name thing, though. I think you must, as you say, be projecting. Massively.

Names are just names and people have differing preferences about whether to keep the same name lifelong, keep a separate identity for work or have the same name as their DC. So many possible reasons and situations. People don’t live with big personal decisions just to annoy someone else. That’s playground level thinking. If anyone is really that immature you have to rise above it. Otherwise you’ll end up sounding just as childish.

"Can you change your whole identity please because my fiancée is insecure"

Ha

@Jennyfromthere

I’m the second wife so must be the OW? No I’m not.

Then she did use the name before you. So why would you imagine she's keeps it to piss you off? She already had it ffs!

I kept my ex husbands name (no children) because it was a lot nicer from my original name

Personally I find it a bit regressive to change name on marriage (though I wouldn’t have objected to dh doing so) but I do in fact use Mrs DcSurname at school and at a million medical and therapy appointments for simplicity so I can’t afford to judge anyones choices

In the circumstances though I’d find it hard to resist suggesting that they either both adopt her surname (and he revert when dealing with dc matters for simplicity) or double barrel.

Nope wouldn’t do it, it’s your name, why should you be the one to change

My god daughter kept her surname and her husband changed his to hers, so your ex can change his to hers and have a different name to his child if he is that bothered

Otherwise they can jog on

Yanbu - I’m retaining my “married” name for the same reason.

OP I agree with PPs that you should offer to consider it, assuming that of course DDs name changes as well. If he says no then ask why - he will be forced to admit he doesn’t want a different name to his child. So you can just let that one linger in the air.

If he comes out with some bullshit about it being tradition that a child has their fathers name then you can remind him that the tradition is in fact that they have their mother’s name but that traditionally she has taken the father’s name upon marriage. And that if he cares that much about tradition, it’s tradition to marry for life and not have insecure second wives to placate.

Clearly if you have a good and amicable co parenting relationship you don’t want to go in guns blazing so I would personally take the attitude of bemusement - don’t get angry or confrontational just set out as above why it’s laughable.

I kept mine on divorce as I simply CBA with the hassle of changing it back, nothing to do with the kids names. I keep meaning to sort it out then I start and remember why I didnt bother before now (15 years ago). I was even officially Ms ExSurname throughout my second marriage as again, the hassle of changing everything over was just not worth it. I am known as Ms Kipperbang but my bank account, driving license etc have all stayed as Ms ExSurname.

I was married to my 2nd husband less than 2 years and it was a horrible marriage. But I kept my new last name because...

1. logistical reasons - too much of a pain to change all my ID's again
2. I like it and it's easier to spell than my maiden name

I tell my friends that I kept the best thing out of that marriage. lol

Not a chance in hell. Then him & his new wife will share a name with your child & you won't. Tell them to jog on.

This is why I hate this idea that a woman's name is a temporary thing that should reflect who she's currently married to.

'You should take your husband's name when you get married because it's traditional and it might upset him if you don't'

'You should stop using your husband's name now you're divorced because it might upset him (and his new wife's) if you don't'.

It can all fuck off. Stupid bullshit traditions.

Wife no.2 is being ridiculous. Keep the name, OP.

I kept my first H surname on divorce.

When I remarried my (adult) dc were not keen on me changing names and being different from them but my DP wanted us to have the same surname once married.

So I suggested DH took my name and he agreed... so we both now have my ex husband's name! which ex and his new wife have never mentioned (to our faces )

Definitely don't feel pressured, it's your name!

@doodleygirl

I would tell your ex, that’s fine as long as he is happy for DD name to change as well, as you want to have the same name as your DD. If he is unhappy with this ask him to use her name. See how quickly he backs down,

This! 👆🏻

@entropynow I have a rare last name as well. It means everybody who shares it is related in some way. So I actually want those who decide to change their name to it to keep it.

However I do know women who have changed their names in marriage from one common name to another, as others who married someone with the same common name e.g. a Dr Smith who married a Dr Smith.

@Jennyfromthere

I’m the second wife so must be the OW? No I’m not.

Who are you talking to? No one has said that.

Nope and then make it clear that it is partly because of you wanting the same name as your daughter and that if he does push this you assume he would be ok for her name to change plus the time and energy that it would take.

So I suggested DH took my name and he agreed... so we both now have my ex husband's name! which ex and his new wife have never mentioned (to our faces grin)

@BikerWifeFromMars makes it interesting for someone doing the family tree in a 100 or so years time.

@HelloKeith

It's not Highlander. There can be more than one.

Best answer!

This is batshit but I have heard it before. My friend was asked the same as the new partner wanted to be Mrs Smith. My friend told her ex that she'd change her name back to her original one if he let the kids change theirs too. He said no and so that was that - she kept the name.

@Jennyfromthere

I’m the second wife so must be the OW? No I’m not.

So she had it first? You seem quite bitter that she had the name first and decided to keep it. You could have kept your maiden name, you didn't have to take his knowing his ex had it.

I have had my exH surname longer than I had maiden name. Never bothered to revert back: 1) wanted same name as kids 2) CBA with banK, DVLA etc 3) maiden name is awful (sorry dad) and 4) it's MY name!

I have the same surname as my ex and kids and wouldn't change it either.

There's a thread on here where someone received a solicitor's letter demanding that she change her surname to her maiden name 😂 iirc the advice was to string it out so that the ex and new wife were paying lots of legal bills.

Unless you were married to someone with a very unusual name like Mountbatten-Windsor, there's probably lots of people who share that surname anyway

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.

This is odd.

It’s not his name - it’s hers now.

The whole name change for women is so sexist. It doesn’t mean the woman is owned by the man!!!

You really need to get over this.