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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been asked to change my name by Ex's partner!

999 replies

justustwoandmoo · 16/02/2022 17:12

I have been separated from my ExH for 4 years, divorced for about a year. He has been with his new partner for about 3.5 years. I'm settled, everyone happy, no conflict and my daughter goes 50/50 between us. All good.

BUT I have never changed my name because I don't want to have a different surname to my daughter. Also, I just can't be bothered with the hassle tbh. I see it as my name and my identity really. It would be strange to go back to my maiden name now.

My ExH is looked to get remarried and he's contacted to say that his partner would be more comfortable if I changed my name back so that she can adopt her married name.

My brain can't quite decide if I'm being unreasonable by refusing? I just don't want to change my name 🤔🤔

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/02/2022 18:21

When DH and I got married, I asked the other Mrs Smith to revert back to her maiden name as Mrs Smith was my name now but apparently I was unreasonable. I mean his Mom had had it for 40 years, surely its my turn now!! Otherwise people might think he's married to a woman in her 70s

🤔
😂

TrufflesAndToast · 16/02/2022 18:21

@Jennyfromthere

The first wives club is in full force. Not all second wives are the OW, and deliberately wanting to piss off the second wife for no apparent reason is sad and immature.
No apparent reason…other than the one that multiple posters have clearly explained Confused Like hell would I change my name to be different from that of my child in order to placate a jealous and insecure second wife who is of no concern to me or my life. There is absolutely nothing sad or immature about wanting the same name as your child for myriad practical and emotional reasons. Far sadder and more immature to not understand that and be hung up on pretending you’re not in fact a second wife to someone who might have (shock horror) had a life before you!
AnneShirleysNewDress · 16/02/2022 18:21

It's your name. That is all.

UserWithNoUserName · 16/02/2022 18:22

Absolutely not BU.
She's crazy. If she's that bothered, he can take her name instead.

BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 18:22

Definitely not 'trying to hang on to my married identity' or to piss anyone off. Definitely not bitter about any subsequent wives. They're very welcome to him. It's my kids' name, and it's nicer than my maiden name. It's the one everyone knows me by. All my documents have it on. It's my name to keep or change. I choose to keep it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/02/2022 18:22

It's your name as much as his. These insecure 2nd wives need to grow up.

Change it but only if your dd does too.

This crap is why women should keep their own names and give their kids their names too.

LaForza101 · 16/02/2022 18:22

You really are not being unreasonable. I don't get why the second wife would be upset - she knows she is marrying a divorcee. You changing your surname isn't going to erase history is it?

I would love to know what they say in response to your reasonable wish to have the same surname as your own daughter. 'Sorry, my insecurity trumps childrearing practicalities' Grin

StrictlySinging · 16/02/2022 18:23

Maybe he could take her name on marriage 🤔

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/02/2022 18:23

I don’t understand this at all. My parents were married for 14 years and had 4 children together. They have been divorced for 24 years. My mother didn’t remarry (not for lack of trying!) and still has his surname. She is also still “Mrs”. She got married, she changed her name and had children. Just because the marriage didn’t work out it doesn’t make her some sort of nomad who has to revert to another name or be different from her children. It’s absolute madness what your ex is asking of you. He didn’t seem to care or put any thought into this when he was merrily letting you change your name to his in the first place!

Finallylostit · 16/02/2022 18:24

They can just jog on - seriously it is your name. Where do people get off telling someone to change their name.

I did not change my name but as far as school etc are concerned I am MRs Finally as the DCS are DC1 Finally and DC2 Finally.

UserWithNoUserName · 16/02/2022 18:24

@Pr1mr0se

You are being a bit unreasonable not to see her point of view. However I can see the logic in keeping the same surname yourself as it's the same as your daughters....but one day your daughters surname will change. How will you feel about it then?
Her daughters surname may not change at all. And if it did it would be the daughters choice. While her daughter is a minor I absolutely see why OP would prefer to have the same name.
TheFormidableMrsC · 16/02/2022 18:24

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash

I do find it odd that you would want to keep your ex's name, you are divorced. I am getting married this year, and I would be pissed off if my partner's ex wife still used his name.
You're joking surely? My surname has been my surname for 21 years. Our child has the same surname. Why on Earth should I change it? What business is it of anybody else's? You sound really insecure.
Livelovebehappy · 16/02/2022 18:24

Just smile sweetly and decline. I wouldn’t give that sort of twattery a minute of my attention.

LittleOwl153 · 16/02/2022 18:24

I have to deal with people at work who have changed their names multiple times marriages/breakups or indeed having had it changed for them as kids. The paperwork they have to add to a simple OD request for a DBS check for example is a nightmare. Definitely wouldn't be name changing in this situation (or forcing it on your dd - though I understand why others would suggest this if Ex pushes the issue).

And yes is she meeting ALL the costs involved as everything will need renewing...

Anoooshka · 16/02/2022 18:25

Just say ok and then don't do it. How will she even know?

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/02/2022 18:25

Love the Pp’s point - maybe his mother must also change her surname !?

WhatEvenHappened44 · 16/02/2022 18:25

OP don't do anything you don't want to do. Of course you can refuse to change your name.

I'm intrigued if you said "ok sure, as long as DD's last name changes to my maiden name too" whether they'll also start kicking up a fuss about that the cheeky idiots

Ishouldreallybeonholiday · 16/02/2022 18:25

Another point is that OP or a person in a similar position may have their career built on the name they have currently.

GabriellaMontez · 16/02/2022 18:25

@Jennyfromthere

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

I maybe projecting as I find that MN is full of first wives who are very bitter towards the second wife, but that’s more from a step parenting perspective.

Sorry to de rail, I’ll keep my nose out now.

She uses her married name to piss you off?

How do you know?

Surely she used her married name before you even crossed paths? (Unless you're the OW)

Are you actually the OP's ex's fiance?

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/02/2022 18:26

The op is the 2nd wife.

longwayoff · 16/02/2022 18:26

I'm bloody amazed she's had the cheek to suggest this. How about your daughter? Does new Mrs want exclusive use of the surname ? You are the former Mrs X. She's the current Mrs X. If you were married to Boris J she'll be on a short let basis anyway.

TrufflesAndToast · 16/02/2022 18:26

@Jennyfromthere

I’m not upset by first wife using her married name. I pity her for feeling that it’s necessary to piss me off. It doesn’t, I don’t care enough.

I maybe projecting as I find that MN is full of first wives who are very bitter towards the second wife, but that’s more from a step parenting perspective.

Sorry to de rail, I’ll keep my nose out now.

It’s really quite telling that you’re adamant that her not changing her name (so simply not taking any action to change the status quo, she’s not even DOING anything here) is about you and pissing you off. Could it be that the woman gives not a shit about you and you’re a total irrelevance to her? And perhaps that she has other reasons not to go out of her way to change her existing name from that which she shares with her children? You’ve clearly got a massive agenda and chip on your shoulder, saying it’s ‘sad’ of her is utterly childish and really smacks of your own insecurities.
OMG12 · 16/02/2022 18:27

@toomuchlaundry

Your Ex could take her name if she doesn't want to have the same name as you
This. It’s within their power, getting you to change yours is not.
Jennyfromthere · 16/02/2022 18:27

I’m the second wife so must be the OW?
No I’m not.

Dahliasrule · 16/02/2022 18:27

Can’t see where the new wife is coming from. My DH’s brother married a woman with the same Christian name as mine so we have identical names. Should I have asked her to change hers? !!!!