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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father requesting more days with children.

162 replies

Meme43 · 16/02/2022 14:50

Hello,
So I separated 8 years ago (divorced 3 years), and my 3 children have had regular contact with their father…staying roughly 3 nights every 10 days. I have always worked around his schedule to accommodate it recently he has more spare time and is requesting to have the children stay 4 nights one week two nights the following. I don’t agree to this but am I within my rights to say no?

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 16/02/2022 20:14

Are the newly suggested arrangements over school holidays too?

ilovemyboys3 · 16/02/2022 20:28

Personally I feel children need one home with the resident parent. I wouldn't want to live in two houses with two of everything.
When I grew up I had separated parents. I wouldn't of wanted to live 50/50. I lived with my mum and stayed with my dad 3 nights in 14. I wouldn't of wanted anymore.
It's not what's best always for children; it's what they want and what suits them. They may walk to and from school to their mums; their friends may all live by their mums. If they are suddenly at their dads and isolated from their friends and clubs and school then that's not good either.
I agree with OP on this one.

worriedatthemoment · 16/02/2022 20:52

@ilovemyboys3 what if all you says applies to dads house more ? Or the kids actually want to spend more time at Dads

FortVictoria · 17/02/2022 07:01

I guess the OP didn’t like lots of posters suggesting that it was okay for dad to see more of the kids………

mycatisannoying · 17/02/2022 07:05

Christ, I'd bloody love this. Instead it's 2 nights out of 14.

Rebornagain · 17/02/2022 07:18

As always with the majority of these cases this will be about money from the RP point of view.

Why wouldn't seeing their dad more be good for the children?

I would bet if there was no money involved the children would be at the NRPs more

Wingingit15 · 17/02/2022 07:29

@Rebornagain sigh. Seriously? Casting RPs as viewing their kids as a cash cow is so insulting

maddening · 17/02/2022 07:31

If he was trying to get every weekend then no, and i doubt a court would grant that, you both need Leisure time with the dc.

If he wanted the weekend week 1 and then 2- 3 week nights the next week and lives sufficiently close to the school so they can continue with their current schedule with extra curricular activities (and he would facilitate that) and they could continue with friendships outside of school (and he would facilitate that) and there has been no history of dv, any type of abuse etc and the kids would actively want this option if allowed then a court would likely agree imo.

What is his proposal and what are your objections?

liveforsummer · 17/02/2022 08:22

@maddening

If he was trying to get every weekend then no, and i doubt a court would grant that, you both need Leisure time with the dc.

If he wanted the weekend week 1 and then 2- 3 week nights the next week and lives sufficiently close to the school so they can continue with their current schedule with extra curricular activities (and he would facilitate that) and they could continue with friendships outside of school (and he would facilitate that) and there has been no history of dv, any type of abuse etc and the kids would actively want this option if allowed then a court would likely agree imo.

What is his proposal and what are your objections?

Yes I agree with this. My ex won't do any of the weekdays as he can't do the school run and won't do the club runs so every other weekend it is. No way I'm giving up the small bit of leisure time we have among the chaos of the school and working week. As it is I have to cram all their clubs in to the week as he won't facilitate them at the weekend either. If he was prepared and able to do school, clubs, homework I'd absolutely arrange for him to have them in the week some nights too
liveforsummer · 17/02/2022 08:26

@ilovemyboys3

Personally I feel children need one home with the resident parent. I wouldn't want to live in two houses with two of everything. When I grew up I had separated parents. I wouldn't of wanted to live 50/50. I lived with my mum and stayed with my dad 3 nights in 14. I wouldn't of wanted anymore. It's not what's best always for children; it's what they want and what suits them. They may walk to and from school to their mums; their friends may all live by their mums. If they are suddenly at their dads and isolated from their friends and clubs and school then that's not good either. I agree with OP on this one.
But you have no idea if any of the examples you've given are the case for the OP and you have no idea if the dc feel the same as you. My dc would be happy to see their dad more if the circumstances were different and part of it could be mid week. They have friends at their dads too and they have 2 of everything for the current 4 days a month too as it's a pain brining stuff back and forward then realising they've left something behind that they then can't get for a fortnight
Antsgomarching · 17/02/2022 08:44

If the kids want to go let them, he’s their dad and if he’s a decent father than they will get something from this.

BuanoKubiamVej · 17/02/2022 08:46

Impossible to say whether you are being reasonable given that you don't actually include any reasons in your OP so YABU for that.

YABU for posting and then disappearing without answering any questions in the replies.

The decision about the change in schedule should be based on what is in the children's best interests. Not what's most desirable for either parent. Both of you need to be grownup about this and put your kids needs first. I imagine the 3 days in 10 was due to your Ex having a job with a 10 day shift rotation pattern, and he has now either retired or got a job with hours that work on a fixed weely schedule. In which case it makes plenty of sense to revisit the arrangement to a schedule that gives the kids a more reliable pattern based on a fortnightly cycle rather than a 10 day pattern. However, the pattern does need to be reasonable for everyone concerned - needs to cover enabling the kids to continue with any clubs and extracurricular activities that they do, and give both parents reasonable shares of weekends and weekdays. So if his proposed pattern is to have them on Friday and Saturday nights every weekend and Thursday and Sunday nights too on alternate weekends that would be totally unreasonable because they would never get weekends with their mum. Two nights M-Th every week plus alternate weekends would be perfectly ok if it's compatible with kids other activities. With agreement for a set number of weeks per year where the pattern is paused to allow each parent to take the kids on holiday for a full week.

sofakingcool · 17/02/2022 08:47

It's important the children's needs are always put first.

I doubt you'll come back now OP, but what is your issue with your Ex having the children more?

OhWhyNot · 17/02/2022 08:50

It may sound nice to those who are not in this situation and for some it works

But for many when they come home it takes a day or two for them to settle down

And no it’s not for a young child to decided it for the parents to decide what is best and that parent is the one who takes most responsibility.

Of course an 8 year old would say yes if time away from home is more fun time (which is often the case) I think that is also e case for teenagers

liveforsummer · 17/02/2022 08:55

@OhWhyNot

It may sound nice to those who are not in this situation and for some it works

But for many when they come home it takes a day or two for them to settle down

And no it’s not for a young child to decided it for the parents to decide what is best and that parent is the one who takes most responsibility.

Of course an 8 year old would say yes if time away from home is more fun time (which is often the case) I think that is also e case for teenagers

I am in that situation, again you have no idea if any of what you've said applies to OP. She hasn't told us. Lots of RP's simply don't want to 'share'. Again I know as I've been there. Only over time I've come to realise how important time is with their dad despite the fact they come back exhausted with unbrushed hair
OhWhyNot · 17/02/2022 09:02

How many on here have said if the children want to

Children what to often do a lot of things that isn’t in their best interests

I said it works for some but many have to deal with children who are unsettled on their return. I am not talking about having unbrushed hair or being tired and neither did I say that spending time with their dad isn’t important

strathanna · 17/02/2022 09:04

If you've had an arrangement in place that works for you both for a substantial amount of time, the courts won't change it (according to my lawyer). My exh got a new partner who really likes the kids (which is great, I'm aware) and wanted to change from one night a week to 50/50 after five years of one night a week (his choice - he didn't want the kids during the week as he didn't want to get up early to get them to school). The kids are settled in this routine, they like their time with him and the security of our home. I don't get any maintenance, so this was not the issue. My lawyer said the courts were very very unlikely to change the arrangement as it had worked for several years with no issues.

Ginger1982 · 17/02/2022 09:07

Sigh...are you going to respond OP?

BuddhaForMary · 17/02/2022 09:08

OP not been back then?

OhWhyNot · 17/02/2022 09:09

The op doesn’t need to respond are you desperate to put her right

She can read what has been posted

Some obviously as always want to argue with the op Hmm

Ginger1982 · 17/02/2022 09:11

@OhWhyNot

The op doesn’t need to respond are you desperate to put her right

She can read what has been posted

Some obviously as always want to argue with the op Hmm

Not wanting to argue, but without knowing why she doesn't want her ex to have more contact it's difficult to offer anything constructive.
BuddhaForMary · 17/02/2022 09:16

@OhWhyNot

The op doesn’t need to respond are you desperate to put her right

She can read what has been posted

Some obviously as always want to argue with the op Hmm

I have no argument with the OP, but she asked for advice and people have asked a few questions to get a better idea of why she might be against it. At the end of the day it's entirely up to her, makes no difference to my life if she tells her ex no!

I just can't see the point in posting if you're not going to at least engage a little with the people who've taken the time to respond. Especially as context is important when it comes to the kind of responses you get.

Pumpfive · 17/02/2022 09:18

Why not? That means you still get them more than him. I think it's great for the children unless there's a massive drip feed!

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/02/2022 09:19

Hmm OPs 1st post and doesn't come back.

liveforsummer · 17/02/2022 09:21

@OhWhyNot

The op doesn’t need to respond are you desperate to put her right

She can read what has been posted

Some obviously as always want to argue with the op Hmm

But if she did respond it might stop people making up imaginary scenarios and assumptions, and we'd be more able to say if she is indeed BU. At the moment it appears she is but there might be additional information that changes that.