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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father requesting more days with children.

162 replies

Meme43 · 16/02/2022 14:50

Hello,
So I separated 8 years ago (divorced 3 years), and my 3 children have had regular contact with their father…staying roughly 3 nights every 10 days. I have always worked around his schedule to accommodate it recently he has more spare time and is requesting to have the children stay 4 nights one week two nights the following. I don’t agree to this but am I within my rights to say no?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/02/2022 16:34

I am a child of divorced parents and would NOT have wanted 50/50 to everyone saying it's "best" - so I think it's important to hear what the children want.

labyrinthlaziness · 16/02/2022 16:36

The key questions are:

What do the kids think? - age dependent
How will it impact their schedule/lives?

No parent has the right to 50/50 - that is not always the best arrangement for children - for example the distance between houses can really affect how they interact with friends.

What do you think has prompted the change request? If he has more time for the children that would usually be positive. It depends on the character/back story at times!

Zilla1 · 16/02/2022 16:37

OP's views might have the children's best interests at heart concerning disruption if the two parents don't live close together and the logistics, especially around the assymmetry of 4/2 days each fortnight and what the ex wants concerning times around school/after school and the children's social lives. OP hasn't said whether the split would involve all the legwork for school being split or whether her DP just wants just nights that might impact on any child support without reducing the daytime burden on the resident parent. 4/2 might be both weekends so the OP has the mundane school days though not the fun weekends. Could be any number of arguably valid reasons for the OP to not agree initially. Depending on the jurisdiction, any presumption the courts might seek to enforce 50/50 may be tempered by the 8 year's separation and stability of the current arrangements and what would be in the children's best interests. OP, you can say no though depending on where you live, your ex may have the right to seek the courts' review if he is willing to go to the trouble and/or expense.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 16/02/2022 16:41

Why would you want to?
Would you be happy to only see your children a couple of days every two weeks? What's wrong with a father wanting to spend more time with his children?
Do what's right for the children you share.

wombleflump · 16/02/2022 16:48

Courts do not always give 50/50 , I would ignore people on here trying to guilt trip you into this.

rumrunner123 · 16/02/2022 16:49

It works out at less than 1 night extra?

3/10 to 6/14 is 0.3 to 0.4 so not really a big increase in time. Would not be classed as 50/50 and would have marginal impact on any maintenance.

Is it really the extra night or is it the proposed arrangement of 4 nights 1 week and 2 the next?

Of course you can say no but then he doesn't have to take no for an answer either.

If it is just the pattern you are not happy with rather than the extra time then you can go back with a suggestion of what would work better.

I think as children get older patterns do change on both sides anyway

Greenfields124 · 16/02/2022 16:56

"It'll be a chagee from 3/10 to 6/14 - which is 0.3 to 0.42 - so barely more than one more night a week on a slightly different pattern) - it's one of the smallest increases possible!!

If he's lives close enough for any and all after school stuff to continue, then I think it wouid be hard to argue against, and wrong to try."

I disagree, I think it is a big change, these children haven't had a set routine and haven't stayed four nights in a row regularly if at all.
Let alone seeing him every week.
Op stated he has them 3 nights on average every 10 days, she doesn't state if those days are in a row.

This will be a big change for the children, and their views and feelings should be listened to.
If they want this, that's fine.
But to not take their views into consideration is wrong, he's been happy with how things have been for a long time and OP has been very flexible working around him.
Kids are people and not things.

Wingingit15 · 16/02/2022 16:59

As PPs have said, I think we need to know more of your reasoning OP.
Though as a single parent myself, I think people who aren’t SPs on here (seems to be majority) so not get nuances of single parenting whatsoever

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 16:59

@wombleflump

Courts do not always give 50/50 , I would ignore people on here trying to guilt trip you into this.
She's asking if she's being unreasonable and you're telling her to just ignore any opinion other than the ones agreeing with her, what's even the point in posting in this sections in that case?
FortVictoria · 16/02/2022 17:07

@affairsofdragons

I don't blame OP for being reluctant. It sounds like she's bent over backwards to facilitate the continued relationship by doing all the heavy lifting and running to accommodate his working schedule, and now, as thanks, she'll get to keep doing that and lose child maintenance for the privilege if it looks like 50:50 on paper.
I don’t have personal experience of this, so willing to be shot down, but surely if the contact arrangements are changing (increasing) this is the perfect time for OP to sort out drop off / pick ups / scheduled days so that it suits both parties?

It would be helpful if the OP came back and answered done if the many questions she’s been asked.

MintyFreshBreath · 16/02/2022 17:08

YANBU to have your concerns, I know I would. Purely because it’s a lot of going back and forth for the kids. When I was younger I had two weeks with mum and two weeks with dad and I loathed it. It seemed to be purely for their benefit and I never felt as though I really had a home. Speak to the kids about what they really want.

Shutupandcry · 16/02/2022 17:10

If it’s workable around school and the kids are up for it I would agree. He’s not being unreasonable. I appreciate being away from your kids every fortnight for 4 nights must be hard but it is what it is when you’re separated I suppose.

Hadjab · 16/02/2022 17:11

@Thoosa

If he was a fully hands on father - the kind who do well at 50/50 - OP wouldn’t have spent 8 long years fitting around him, would she? He would have wanted 50/50 from the start. This rather smacks of wanting more contact now that it suits his schedule and now that the DC require less hands on parenting.
That's quite an assumption. You have no idea why their current arrangement is the way it is. For all you know, OP's ex may have had to go to court to get OP to agree to any form of contact.
FortVictoria · 16/02/2022 17:13

Argh! Fat fingers! My post should say:

It would be helpful if the OP came back and answered some of the many questions she’s been asked.

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 17:14

It’s no bigger an assumption than any else on the thread. Less so than many.

We will probably have to stick with some degree of assumption unless OP comes back to say more.

Couchbettato · 16/02/2022 17:18

If you've been separated 8 years then your youngest needs to be at least 8, which I think is old enough for them to make their own choice about whether they'd like to spend more time with their dad.

I don't think each kid should be forced to, either, say if the youngest does but the eldest doesn't then it should be worked around for both kids.

I'm in camp "give the kids more stability", not team 50/50 but legally unless he's abusive, is an addict or otherwise is an unfit parent and you can prove it I don't think you've got a leg to stand on.

gogohm · 16/02/2022 17:19

Unless they object then it sounds perfectly reasonable

Xtraincome · 16/02/2022 17:21

I think we need more details on why the extra day is a problem OP.

It sounds like a positive shift from where I'm standing but don't know the details. I can imagine it would be hard to be away from DC for 4 days though.

Will the extra day be intrusive to their schedules?

WonderfulYou · 16/02/2022 17:21

I’ve not voted as it completely depends on why you don’t want him to have more contact.

Honestly I would let him and use the time to have some well earned you time.

Although I would want it to be on your schedule/what’s best for the kids unless his working days change every week.

wombleflump · 16/02/2022 17:26

Would like to know if people who think 50/50
Is great actually do shared parenting? It’s easy to say this sounds great but different if it was your own kids being “shared”. I would have hated 50/50 as a child. I prefer to have a stable home.

newbiename · 16/02/2022 17:29

@wombleflump

Would like to know if people who think 50/50 Is great actually do shared parenting? It’s easy to say this sounds great but different if it was your own kids being “shared”. I would have hated 50/50 as a child. I prefer to have a stable home.
Yes. That's what I always think.
BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 17:32

Honestly need more context OP.

If they've had 3 days over 10 days there's no saying that's 3 consecutive days. It might be spread across the 10 days. If that's the case 4 consecutive days out of 7 one week and 2 consecutive days out of 7 the next IS going to be a big difference if the current arrangement is 3 days spread across 10 days. And it'll be very disruptive if it's different days each week. Or even more so if he's suggesting spreading the days out.

How do the kids feel about it?

northernsquirrel · 16/02/2022 17:57

Are you suspecting that he is doing it to lower his support payments but actually palm them off on someone else?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 16/02/2022 17:57

@TracyMosby

Id be surprised if 50/50 benefits the children, unless the children are teens. Id be even more surprised if 50/50 ends up actually being 50/50 with responsibilities and commitments, and not just time.

Is he likely to do clubs / parties / make and keep dentist and doctors appointments / hairdressers and barbers / clothes shops

Why would this be a surprise? My DH has 50-50 and does his part of all these things. Not every Dad is a useless deadbeat.
Frankola · 16/02/2022 18:02

Unless this man is abusive to your kids (and I guess he isn't seen as though he has contact) you have no real reason not to agree to this.

Are you thinking about your maintenance money?