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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father requesting more days with children.

162 replies

Meme43 · 16/02/2022 14:50

Hello,
So I separated 8 years ago (divorced 3 years), and my 3 children have had regular contact with their father…staying roughly 3 nights every 10 days. I have always worked around his schedule to accommodate it recently he has more spare time and is requesting to have the children stay 4 nights one week two nights the following. I don’t agree to this but am I within my rights to say no?

OP posts:
HettieHelvetica · 16/02/2022 15:27

It's not so much about being "within your rights" as the focus shouldn't be on you and your rights, but the children and their rights to develop and maintain a relationship with both parents.

However, if their father wants more days with them, it shouldn't just be "good time" days. Equal parenting (regardless of whether the parents are still a couple or not) means equal divisions of all the never ending "thinking tasks" that kids need (clean uniforms, do their shoes fit, dentist appointments, cards for friends' birthday parties, and on and on and on), and I would me making sure that his increase in parenting time also included a fair distribution of these things too.

Notwithittoday · 16/02/2022 15:30

If there’s a routine that’s embedded courts will not look favourably upon a change if you challenge it so yes you can say no if you don’t think it’s in their interests

EmpressCixi · 16/02/2022 15:31

You need a good reason to say no. The children are not possessions to be fought over, or pawns to maximise or avoid child maintenance payments. Their best interests should be the priority. So you can’t just say no. Your rights end where your children’s rights to a relationship with two loving, capable parents begin.

I haven’t voted as no idea why you do not agree.

Eggshausted · 16/02/2022 15:34

Is this because you are concerned about a relationship with a step parent?

ForeverSingle881 · 16/02/2022 15:37

Why not? Any good reasons?

Kimexela · 16/02/2022 15:38

Hi OP, it's not really your decision to dictate.
If the kids want it especially.
It's the kids right, not your right.

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2022 15:38

How old are the children what do they think and how would it affect them

Kimexela · 16/02/2022 15:38

The only instance I would disagree is if there are safeguarding or domestic abuse issues, however given the amount of contact he currently has I would assume there are no issues relating to that.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 16/02/2022 15:39

Is it to see his dc or pay less Cms?

Bromse · 16/02/2022 15:40

A lot depends on the ages of the children and if they would like what their father suggests. There does come a time when they can choose, want to do things/see friends near one house or another. Both parents have to be fairly flexible.

BearimyJeremy · 16/02/2022 15:40

It can be bittersweet when they aren't around as much but ultimately its to do with whats best for them. If they''re clean, fed and happy at his house then it's only fair that you accomodate his request as their other parent. If he is useless and neglectful or the children are scared or worried about doing this then there's a reason to say no. Maybe scale it up to see how you all get along with it?

SemperIdem · 16/02/2022 15:40

Why don’t you agree with it?

I’m assuming the children are 8 at youngest abs otherwise older, so surely what they think should come in to your decision making either way?

Porcupineintherough · 16/02/2022 15:41

@Momijin

He's got every right to spend 50/50 time with his children.
Actually this isn't about his rights, its about his children's rights, if it benefits them or not.
BuddhaForMary · 16/02/2022 15:42

What do the kids want?
Does it affect any after school activities?
Is he wanting to pay less child support?

If he's generally a good dad and the kids want it and it doesn't affect after school activities, why the reservations? Unless he's wanting every weekend and it means you won't get any down time with them?

Heytheredemons · 16/02/2022 15:43

Father's can't win. They abandon their kids; they are deadbeats. They make time for their kids and want to spend time with them, and the selfish arseholes are trying to get in the way of the mothers' rights and time with the kids.

As you separated over 8 years ago, the youngest will be at least 8 so all are old enough to decide for themselves. What possible legitimate reason could you have for saying no, unless the father is abusive to them 🤔 which is highly unlikely as you would have led with that

AhNowTed · 16/02/2022 15:47

He is as much their parent as you are.

No, you don't have a "right" to say no, and courts take a dim view of one parent preventing another parent seeing their children.

As judge Judy would say, you picked him, and he has as much right as you do.

maiafawnly · 16/02/2022 15:48

You need to do what is in the children's best interests, not yours. Is he local enough to do school drops, any after-school clubs and extra activities so it doesn't impact their current routines? If their lifestyle isn't impacted, then absolutely let them go more, children need to spend as much time as possible with both their parents.

whysoserious123 · 16/02/2022 15:49

Op would you struggle to have no maintenance payments ?

Chilledchablis1 · 16/02/2022 15:51

My friends DGC spend 1week at at time with each parent and they hate the backwards and forwards. They have all said they would rather stay in what they see as their main home ( Mum) but Dad insists on 50/50.

Greenfields124 · 16/02/2022 15:51

The children's views should be taken into consideration first and foremost as he has only had them roughly 3 nights over 10 days on average.
It would be a big change for them and it should be about what they are happy with too, perhaps working up to more contact if that's what the kids want.

Thatsplentyjack · 16/02/2022 15:54

If you split 8 years ago the children must be of an age to have a say in it?

RoseAndRose · 16/02/2022 15:56

@Greenfields124

The children's views should be taken into consideration first and foremost as he has only had them roughly 3 nights over 10 days on average. It would be a big change for them and it should be about what they are happy with too, perhaps working up to more contact if that's what the kids want.
It'll be a chagee from 3/10 to 6/14 - which is 0.3 to 0.42 - so barely more than one more night a week on a slightly different pattern) - it's one of the smallest increases possible!!

If he's lives close enough for any and all after school stuff to continue, then I think it wouid be hard to argue against, and wrong to try.

Shelby2010 · 16/02/2022 15:57

If the current arrangements have worked well for the last 8 years, then OP should absolutely think carefully before agreeing to this.
For example is ex planning on taking them on days when they have activities & will he take them to these. Will they be able to meet up with their friends when at his house. It’s not fair on the OP if she has all the stressy juggling days & he has the easy ones. Does he currently do homework with them, because if he doesn’t then he would have to start.

However the main thing is how the children feel about it. With more than one child, you might also find they have different opinions.

Honeyroar · 16/02/2022 16:00

Do you think that the children would like to spend more time with their dad?

My stepson always wanted another day with us when he was younger but his mum wouldn’t allow it.

Blossom64265 · 16/02/2022 16:04

Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, I really don’t see the problem with an increase in his parenting time. I would want the schedule to be on a set pattern though, with reasonably flexibility in both directions but not every week.