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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father requesting more days with children.

162 replies

Meme43 · 16/02/2022 14:50

Hello,
So I separated 8 years ago (divorced 3 years), and my 3 children have had regular contact with their father…staying roughly 3 nights every 10 days. I have always worked around his schedule to accommodate it recently he has more spare time and is requesting to have the children stay 4 nights one week two nights the following. I don’t agree to this but am I within my rights to say no?

OP posts:
TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 16/02/2022 16:04

He's probably had that blinding realisation we all get one day that his children are growing up fast and won't need him one day. Time is a really important thing to have, you've had a monopoly on it so far...... I don't think his request is unfair and if you can both accommodate it then he should have it.

FairyCakeWings · 16/02/2022 16:05

What do the children want to do?

LolaSmiles · 16/02/2022 16:05

Assuming that their father will continue to do the required parenting on his days such as school, washing, lunches, homework, extra curricular activities etc then what grounds would you have to say no to a father doing a greater share of day to day parenting with his children?

TracyMosby · 16/02/2022 16:05

Id be surprised if 50/50 benefits the children, unless the children are teens. Id be even more surprised if 50/50 ends up actually being 50/50 with responsibilities and commitments, and not just time.

Is he likely to do clubs / parties / make and keep dentist and doctors appointments / hairdressers and barbers / clothes shops

KloppsTeeth · 16/02/2022 16:06

Agree with the majority saying that unless there are genuine reasons to be concerned about their welfare, and they would like to, why not? It is about your rights, but your shared responsibilities towards the children.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 16/02/2022 16:07

Presumably all your kids can speak, so they can tell you both what they would like?

Assuming no sort of manipulation by either of you - just say what their dad wants and ask their opinion. No leading questions, no emotional blackmail. It can't be that hard!

KneadingKitty · 16/02/2022 16:07

Is the spare time permanent? If not then I wouldnt jump into it bc its a change of routine that could change back.
If no history of abuse, neglect etc then Id consider it. Id hate it, but if my kids wanted to then fine.

redastherose · 16/02/2022 16:08

It depends on the ages of the children and what is best for them not for their Dad. I'm assuming 9 and older so his amendments to the agreed schedule could interfere with their clubs or being able to see friends as frequently. Also, what is the reason for him changing the arrangements other than he currently has more time. Is this a permanent change or just temporarily because there is little point upsetting their routine for a short term change for his benefit.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/02/2022 16:16

We split 50/50. It works for all parties concerned.

Can't believe someone has mentioned dentist appointments.Grin

Sorry no, you can't see your kids they're going to the dentist 500 times a year.Wink

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 16:18

Concentrate on whether it’s in the best interests of the children or not, and why/not that is.

Personally I think one firm home base with meaningful amounts of staying contact with the other parent is best for stability and logistics, but that’s not really the current orthodoxy.

What might become increasingly important now the DC are 8+ is predictability. Tweens and teens need to know in advance where they will be on which nights to plan their clubs and social lives. So I would consider dropping your overly reasonable policy of “fitting around him” and insist on a fixed weekly or fortnightly schedule from now on, as part of the negotiations.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 16/02/2022 16:20

It really depends on what your reasons are for not wanting it to happen. For example, if it’s because you would miss the children then while I understand that, you would be unreasonable. But if it’s because it would be detrimental to the children (not being cared for properly by their father) then that’s totally reasonable.

DamnUserName21 · 16/02/2022 16:21

Is he trying to reduce child maintenance or does he really want to spend the time with the children?
If the latter, why not?

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 16:23

If he was a fully hands on father - the kind who do well at 50/50 - OP wouldn’t have spent 8 long years fitting around him, would she? He would have wanted 50/50 from the start. This rather smacks of wanting more contact now that it suits his schedule and now that the DC require less hands on parenting.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 16/02/2022 16:23

Why not?
The kids would probably love it. It also gives them a bit more stability.

Why do you not want your kids to have more time with their dad? They should have time with both parents and this gives them that.
(I'm a single parent too. My kids get very little time with the dad. I would love to be in your situation right now.)

Sunnytwobridges · 16/02/2022 16:24

Why wouldn't you agree with this? As long as he's not abusive, I think it's great he wants to spend more time with them. Plus it gives you some extra alone time to do things for yourself.

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 16:25

@Hrpuffnstuff1

We split 50/50. It works for all parties concerned.

Can't believe someone has mentioned dentist appointments.Grin

Sorry no, you can't see your kids they're going to the dentist 500 times a year.Wink

But I’m guessing you didn’t institute 50/50 eight whole years after you split?
AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 16:25

If he's a good dad then I think YABU, it's better for your children to spend proper time with you both, surely?

Itsalmostanaccessory · 16/02/2022 16:26

@Thoosa

But saying no would be for the OP, not the kids. Because she wants to punish him/get back at him/because it's "not fair" on her.
You need to rise above that. If the kids would be happy seeing him more and they arent in any danger then she needs to say yes.

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 16:28

[quote Itsalmostanaccessory]@Thoosa

But saying no would be for the OP, not the kids. Because she wants to punish him/get back at him/because it's "not fair" on her.
You need to rise above that. If the kids would be happy seeing him more and they arent in any danger then she needs to say yes.[/quote]
We don’t know that yet. She hasn’t given her reasons for being reluctant yet.

All we know is that she’s always worked around him and now he wants to make a change to the established status quo for his own reasons.

affairsofdragons · 16/02/2022 16:28

I don't blame OP for being reluctant. It sounds like she's bent over backwards to facilitate the continued relationship by doing all the heavy lifting and running to accommodate his working schedule, and now, as thanks, she'll get to keep doing that and lose child maintenance for the privilege if it looks like 50:50 on paper.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 16:28

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Why not? The kids would probably love it. It also gives them a bit more stability.

Why do you not want your kids to have more time with their dad? They should have time with both parents and this gives them that.
(I'm a single parent too. My kids get very little time with the dad. I would love to be in your situation right now.)

I was always flexible with my DDs dad as well, always told him he could have as much time as he wanted with her but he never took her any extra than EOW unless it was for an occasion or if his parents were visiting. I always felt a bit sad for my DD that he didn't want to spend more time with her, she would have loved it
Crunchingleaf · 16/02/2022 16:30

@Thoosa

If he was a fully hands on father - the kind who do well at 50/50 - OP wouldn’t have spent 8 long years fitting around him, would she? He would have wanted 50/50 from the start. This rather smacks of wanting more contact now that it suits his schedule and now that the DC require less hands on parenting.
Agreed totally. Why now after 8 years does he want more contact with the children. Why wasn’t spending time with them a priority when they were younger. You are either all in or not. You can’t pick and choose how involved you are based on current circumstances and expect everyone to dance to your tune. My ex was same when DS was younger and way more work he never looked for more access. Once DS hit age where he is zero work at all his dad started demanding 50:50 but DS had a life, routines, activities etc established and zero interest in changing it.

OP forget about his rights and your rights just do what is best for the kids.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/02/2022 16:32

@Thoosa
It's always been relatively even, post-split I needed to find new housing and adjust. We now have a completely flexible and transparent system. In fact, we had a nice chat for an hr this morning about the kids and life, etc.
I'm also having them an extra 4-5 days next week (It's not my week) during the hols so they can play with my wife's nephew.
I don't understand how some can be deliberately obtuse about co-parenting. It's controlling.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/02/2022 16:32

Depends on your reasoning.

Thoosa · 16/02/2022 16:34

[quote Hrpuffnstuff1]@Thoosa
It's always been relatively even, post-split I needed to find new housing and adjust. We now have a completely flexible and transparent system. In fact, we had a nice chat for an hr this morning about the kids and life, etc.
I'm also having them an extra 4-5 days next week (It's not my week) during the hols so they can play with my wife's nephew.
I don't understand how some can be deliberately obtuse about co-parenting. It's controlling.[/quote]
See? You’ve always BOTH been flexible and communicative, equally committed. It doesn’t sound like OP’s situation at all.