Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
Velvian · 16/02/2022 07:36

What exactly is the point of him, @ihavenamexhanedtoday? Simply earning a wage is not enough to bring to the table.

I also think that a lot of fathers need a wake up call that they can't just unilaterally decide on a job that takes them out of the house for an unreasonable amount of time, or at obscure hours, and just expect the other parent to do everything.

He needs to pick up he share of parenting and house management and they may mean changing his job.

I have no time for Man With Important Job. That does not wash when women manage to earn a wage and attend to their children's needs.

He is not bringing anywhere near enough to the table.

ISmellBurnings · 16/02/2022 07:37

This cycle is going to repeat with your own children. Like it’s done with you.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 07:39

@AfraidToRun

Abusive men think women are for CFCs. Cleaning, fucking and cooking. We aren't human, have no needs worth meeting and no intrinsic value.

He understands perfectly well your viewpoint he just doesn't want to change because you are for CFCs. They might lie and say well if you did more fucking I'd clean more etc but it's all manipulation because you have no worth they don't need to feel guilty.

How did you know he says that ??
OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 16/02/2022 07:41

How did you know he says that ??
Because abusive men all sing from the same hymn sheet.

He will never ever change. You could cook and clean to perfection, work yourself to the bone, put yourself in a smaller and smaller box to meet his every whim while having no time, space or sense of self, and it still wouldn’t be enough. He’d just squish you further. Start making plans to leave.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 16/02/2022 07:42

I know this does not help you OP, but why have kids with a man like this? I just don’t understand why women do this?

I am going to assume there is a background, that you are vulnerable, and are trapped in a bad marriage, is there a way out for you? Can you go somewhere? Take care and look after yourself

RinklyRomaine · 16/02/2022 07:47

@ihavenamexhanedtoday your thread is breaking my heart this morning. What, exactly, does he add to your life? Nothing. Literally nothing. He is MAKING work for you. You are more tired, more stressed, and less happy with him in your home. Your life would be easier and more pleasant without him in it. He does get it, he does understand, he just doesn't care. It won't change, why should it? He thinks you are there for his use and nothing else.

For context, I had two back to back pregnancies which were difficult health wise. I now SAHP. Throughout, DH has worked long hours. He did ALL night wakings with out son from about 5months pregnant, and still does them with the oldest now. He preps breakfast for the kids, does the bins, clears up after dinner. On weekends we tidy together. I do the laundry, and I cook because his cooking is horrible, but otherwise, we split most things. And I don't work. Except two babies IS work. And he loves them. And me. And we have equal downtime. That is NORMAL.

Please, please think about getting out. This will be so much harder when your baby arrives.

Hello606 · 16/02/2022 07:48

@ihavenamexhanedtoday you are worth so much more than this. You have a life that’s for living. He will never ever change, he’s not incapable, he’s just lazy.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 16/02/2022 07:49

Another one who is so sad for you. Please go and stay with your mum. He needs a massive wake up call. If there aren’t big changes forthcoming I’d be making plans to separate. You are worth SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.

TracyMosby · 16/02/2022 07:50

Oh op Sad

I agree with pp. he is an arsehole. He wont change. He will make your life harder. Go ask for help to leave him.

IAmAThreeButIWantATen · 16/02/2022 07:58

@AfraidToRun

Abusive men think women are for CFCs. Cleaning, fucking and cooking. We aren't human, have no needs worth meeting and no intrinsic value.

He understands perfectly well your viewpoint he just doesn't want to change because you are for CFCs. They might lie and say well if you did more fucking I'd clean more etc but it's all manipulation because you have no worth they don't need to feel guilty.

Yes this. 'No point me doing anything because I'm not having sex' except these disgusting dirtbags would be more likely to get sex if they actually stepped up to the responsibilities that are theirs as well.

I bet he does something once, awaits a massive round of applause for it, and when this doesn't happen or he isn't rewarded with sex for behaving like he's meant to, he throws it in your face.

jennytogether · 16/02/2022 08:00

I agree with @MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler . Find a way to go and stay with your mum - I understand that you can’t fly when 8 months pregnant but is there another way to travel, or wait until baby is born. But go and stay there. It’ll give you some space to think clearly and with a bit more confidence.

skodadoda · 16/02/2022 08:09

@stuntbubbles

How did you know he says that ?? Because abusive men all sing from the same hymn sheet.

He will never ever change. You could cook and clean to perfection, work yourself to the bone, put yourself in a smaller and smaller box to meet his every whim while having no time, space or sense of self, and it still wouldn’t be enough. He’d just squish you further. Start making plans to leave.

This, OP. You would be better off going to work as someone’s live-in servant - at least you would get paid!
Zonder · 16/02/2022 08:12

Buy him a calendar and point out that it's 2022 not 1952.

Then open it and announce that you're going to mark which days he is cooking and which days you are since you both work full time.

Finally while you're at it get him to help make a list of meals for the coming week so he knows what not to have for lunch.

And frankly if he is having steak or pasta for lunch he could just have a sandwich in the evening.

jellybe · 16/02/2022 08:15

OP you are in an abusive relationship just because he doesn't knock you about (yet) doesn't mean this isn't abuse. The fact you had to ask on here if you were being unreasonable because he has got you all twisted through is nagging and putting you down etc. Is a clear sign.

Please start getting things together so you can move back to your parents ASAP. Depending on how many weeks you are some airlines might still let you fly with a medical note. It will be easier to do it now then when baby is born.

Do you have any friends that can support you? Talk to them and your midwife and women's aid.

Lookingforatimeslip · 16/02/2022 08:17

He sounds selfish and awful. So is only job is working but you are there to do everything else? Personally I’d consider getting on a plane back to my family. He empties the dishwasher the way he does because he’s hoping you won’t ask him to do it again. You’re not his slave! But he’s trying to get you to be. I would consider leaving. What does he add to your life?

Juliauns91 · 16/02/2022 08:20

This relationship is absolutely doomed. It is unfortunate you decided to bring children into it.
Time to make plans for yourself and child(ren).

Beaconoflight · 16/02/2022 08:23

Why having another child with this pig ? You are even more stuck :(

FunnyGoingsOn · 16/02/2022 08:24

You both don't like each other and both seem very unhappy and angry so you need to split up.

He sounds awful, really awful.

  • did you get pregnant on purpose or was he ok 8 months ago?
nothingmorethanthis · 16/02/2022 08:25

[quote ihavenamexhanedtoday]@Sweetlikejollof I think he thinks I treat him like shit ! [/quote]
I don't think he's ever going to get better OP. It will wear you down over time.
You need to think about if you want to live like this.

Keep your full time job and start to think about plans for leaving him when you are able.

AfraidToRun · 16/02/2022 08:26

Because I had an abusive twat of a partner too. I had sex I didn't want (which was often incredibly painful as a result) in order to be fed the tiniest scraps of human kindness. That's not a relationship, it's exploitation. It took me far too many years to realise and once I did another six months to leave. Now my body is my own and I'm stronger mentally because no-one is bringing me down. I carry the load of one person not two.

BonnesVacances · 16/02/2022 08:28

The thing is that if you want a 1950s wife with an a la carte menu, you have to be a 1950s husband so you don't need to work. (I wouldn't suggest you give up your job under any circumstances though.)

This. One thing that always resonated with me from another thread is when MIL complained about the DIL working and not being a dutiful housewife or mother. And the suggested response was "Your DS doesn't earn enough for me to not have to work".

If he wants all the trappings of a 1950s wife he's going to have to up his game and earn more more. So turn it around. Tell him if he wants you to focus on him and cook his meals, he'll need a new job so he can support his family properly. Tell him you're working yourself into the ground to fill the gap he's not filling financially. Make him feel as shit about not providing for his family as he's trying to make you feel about not cooking his dinner. Turn it back on him.

Toanewstart23 · 16/02/2022 08:28

Take this issue completely out of the equation for a moment

What is he like as a husband and father in other respects?

Onatree · 16/02/2022 08:29

This isn’t an issue about dinner per se but one of different politics.

He is sexist. He is not a feminist ally. In Theory or practice.

You are possibly also acculturated into similar politics at least unconsciously. This is presumably why such a huge matter never arose during dating/relationship so far?

The dinner matter is simply as example of Person A’s politics clashing practically with Person B who has realised that A’s sexism directly impacts her life.

Toanewstart23 · 16/02/2022 08:29

Because animosity for each other drips off every one of your posts
It sounds a deeply unhappy relationship

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 08:33

@Onatree

This isn’t an issue about dinner per se but one of different politics.

He is sexist. He is not a feminist ally. In Theory or practice.

You are possibly also acculturated into similar politics at least unconsciously. This is presumably why such a huge matter never arose during dating/relationship so far?

The dinner matter is simply as example of Person A’s politics clashing practically with Person B who has realised that A’s sexism directly impacts her life.

Before children I was flying around for my job and to see family a lot. He did guilt trip me about it, but I just mostly got on with it.

We got takeaways a lot and went out for dinner a lot. It was already a little apparent how he was, but magnified now we actually have proper responsibilities.

I thought he would grow up, like I did, when we had kids.

OP posts: