Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

[ihavenamexhanedtoday]

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

I just think it's hard to understand how hard things are at the moment for me. It isn't hard for him to understand at all. When I was pregnant with my daughter I got home earlier than my partner. My at the time 4yo would play for half an hour whilst I had a nap. I had a very demanding job full time, HG and was severely anaemic. If a 4yo can see someone is struggling your partner certainly can.

May I add that I leave food for him on the stove and often, I don't even want to hang out with him, so I'm already upstairs ( either taking toddler to bed, or finally having a rest ). So he helps himself to dinner etc on his own. 9 times out of 10, when I come down in the morning, he's not even cleared the table at all. Food and sometimes food containers everywhere and just a general mess.

So I also have to tidy that up, most days. Sometimes I go downstairs again in the night and tidy it away because I really hate doing it in the morning, as it's just too much stuff to get done.

If I complain about it, I'm nagging and giving him a hard time. He apparently passed out before he had time to do it. It's true he does pass out early, but that's why you clear the table right after you've eaten, before you do anything else. Otherwise it won't get done.

Bloody hell OP that's horrific.

About 2 years ago my husband complained that I didn't do enough variety in the new plan and the shopping and he was fed up of eating the same things all the time.

He then found himself planning and cooking every meal for a month. He still does the planning and online shop, and we take turns with the cooking. We both work full time and have three kids.

Your husband is an utter cock.

Your not listening op - he’s a twunt - you need to leave and give him a wake up call and if he doesn’t wake up - End it. All the energy you spend is wasted - what the fuck does he bring to the marriage. He’s a pain.
You will be giving your children the same future.
Tell him when he complains -=if your not happy you can go.

@Scarydinosaurs

So 12 hour shifts are tough - but what is his shift pattern and what happens on days he’s not working?

You say he has steak/pasta for lunch so who is making that?

Do you work Mon-Fri and his shifts are on/off?

I’m trying to work out if this is a ‘two days of the week’ problem, or every night?

How is the rest of the housework split? Is this row occurring because you cook and he does everything else?

The age old ‘make a list and show him what you do’ might work.

He also has other stuff to do work wise on his days off. So he says he never gets any time off at all. But neither do I.

When he's home I ask him to do stuff like watch toddler for a few minutes while I shower etc. He seems utterly miserable when he's at home to be honest. He's admitted he's happier at work and he finds it very hard at home, looking after toddler and me. He says he feels like he's wasting time and needs to be working towards our goals at all times ( work wise ). He's usually home for only 1 day a week, sometimes 2. And just seems miserable because he doesn't get to chill all day. He still thinks it's my responsibility to make food and complains if it's not been done and just doesn't understand how I function this way and how making food just isn't part of what I think about constantly. Now we have a toddler I always have something for them. But if I have something from the day before or frozen for them, I use that.

He does some jobs around the house, like bins and garage things, the odd DIY. Laundry etc is on me and we have a cleaner, thankfully.

5 days a week 12 hour shifts and does ‘other stuff’ (work?) on his two days off?

What time does he leave/return?

Who makes his lunch?

If he were single he would be making his own dinner. Worth pointing that out to him?

When do you finish work? When are you meant to be making this fantastic meal?

@Scarydinosaurs

5 days a week 12 hour shifts and does ‘other stuff’ (work?) on his two days off?

What time does he leave/return?

Who makes his lunch?

If he were single he would be making his own dinner. Worth pointing that out to him?

When do you finish work? When are you meant to be making this fantastic meal?

He works 6 days usually and lunch is included kind of thing.

If he were single, I think his mum would make dinner did him hahah

I usually cook in between meetings during the day or when I get toddler from nursery. But I just don't have the energy to do it every day. I only cook everyday because of my toddler. I then just make extra for us.

Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?

Your not nagging by asking him to be a family and reduce your workload, he’s saying that to manipulate you and not deal with his laziness.

Is this the kind of father you want for your children, one that doesn’t want to spend any time with his children as his work is more important for him.

When do you get quality and free time, when does the children get quality time with him?

Personally and I’ve never said this before to anyone on MN , I’d be having serious words with him and expressing my feelings and telling him that something needs to change and he needs to be more family oriented because essentially he's taking you for granted.

He sees you as someone who slaves over him, has no consideration for your emotional, physically or mental well-being, not to mention being a useless father and husband.

You can communicate your feelings without being told your nagging.

Personally I’d stop everything you do for him, concentrate on you and don’t allow him to take you for granted any more.

Personally, I’d also be having serious words in advising that your relationship needs to change and if it you will consider ending the relationship.

You’re not the unreasonable one here
What steps can you take towards leaving him?

Yeah he’s shit, I have 1 toddler who's in nursery part time and sometimes stuff gets away from me and its a takeout. DH couldn’t care less, he’s just happy theres food. Thats normal.

I had hypermesis and the most I cooked was shoving a margarita pizza in the oven because the smell of food made me hurl. Not once did he expect me to cook anything at all he would get in and make me popcorn because that was what I could eat. That is what is normal in a loving relationship. His behaviour is not normal.

He’s basically just horrible.

Things you know:

This is not working and will get harder with a new born.
He will not change.
He isn’t happy with family life.
You are not happy with him.

Realistically this situation is not going to change unless you change it. I can not see him engaging with counselling or anything like that so your options are either put up and shut up or summon every ounce of strength you have, pack up the toddler and both of you go and stay with your mum, at least until after the birth but I can’t see you wanting to go back.

Good luck.

@Billybagpuss

Things you know:

This is not working and will get harder with a new born.
He will not change.
He isn’t happy with family life.
You are not happy with him.

Realistically this situation is not going to change unless you change it. I can not see him engaging with counselling or anything like that so your options are either put up and shut up or summon every ounce of strength you have, pack up the toddler and both of you go and stay with your mum, at least until after the birth but I can’t see you wanting to go back.

Good luck.

I would love to go and have the baby near my parents. He knows that. My parents don't live in the UK. So it's a bit difficult. Although, if he supported me, I would have the baby there and I would have had the toddler there too. But he's completely against it. I have a friend who's from a country far away from the UK and her husband supported her in having her baby near her family. Took time off to be there etc. Mine would never do that for me.

Mum is coming over to help me. I used to go to see my family every couple of months, but he says they need to come here more often now. My life is here and I need to be here and not be constantly fucking off apparently.. guess why.. who's going to look after him ? Anyway the pandemic has suited him very well in this regard, as obviously I haven't been able to travel as much.

@Fluenty

So to confirm

You:

1. Don’t sleep
2. Care for sick toddler all night
3. Care for toddler all day / do pick ups and drop offs
4. Are growing a human
5. Work full time
6. Cook all meals

And you’re doing so with multiple health issues

He

1. Works full time
2. ….Nothing else

To make it worse, when he gets takeaway he just gets it for himself?
and he just complains about all the things you’re doing?

And he thinks that’s ok and you’re not sure if he’s an idiot?

Tell him to go f himself

This is just stupid. As if she is going to "tell him to go and f himself"

[quote ihavenamexhanedtoday]@AFP10 you really think I should talk to the midwife about this ?

I've been trying to get through to him for so long about all this and it just doesn't work. When he does stuff it's always bearing a grudge too. [/quote]
Yes Op in the context of accessing couples counselling as they may be able to assist given the situation is time critical. It is also part of their assessment to ask about home life, the term usually used "is home safe?" Is often misleading and people just assume physical violence but Op your emotional and physical needs are not being met by him, and this can be just as harmful.

OP, this whole thread has made me seethe with anger on your behalf but what has sent me over the edge was him just throwing the clean cutlery in the drawer when emptying the dishwasher; what a lazy disgusting immature cunt.

Do you mind me asking, did he keep his personality hidden when you were dating/engaged?

At what point did you realise that your husband wasn’t the caring supportive partner we should all expect as the minimum? How old is he OP?

I am so sorry - easier said than done but consider just going to stay with your mum for a bit. Just to get some rest and clear your head.

What you are writing just gets worse and worse.

He clearly views you not as a person but as some sort of malfunctioning wifebot. You are there to facilitate him not to live your own life.

Tell him you've blown a fuse and he'll have to order a new one.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this right now on top of everything else .

OP, this whole thread has made me seethe with anger on your behalf

Me too. I was also wondering if he was like this whenn you were planning your children. Did you have any inklig that he was never going to step up?

He sounds like a manipulative, lazy gaslighting arsehole who has been successful in turning everything back on you. He is never going to change.

OP, you keep saying that your DH 'doesn't understand'.

But the fact his wife is pregnant, exhausted, works full time, looks after the toddler, has health problems and obviously desperately needs his support is really NOT hard to understand. It really isn't at all.

So, it's not that he 'doesn't understand' because that's utterly ridiculous. He understands fine, he just doesn't care.

He very obviously doesn't care that his wife is suffering at all and just wants you to shut up about it and get on with things so he doesn't have to actually change anything about his life.

Why would you want to be with someone who genuinely doesn't give a single shit whether you're suffering?? He sounds absolutely vile. He's immature and moody and lazy and misogynistic and selfish.

Sorry, OP, but you deserve a lot better.

If he can't handle his important man job and family life he needs to pick one.

Tell him the contributions he needs to make to family life and he can work out how he makes them.

You're his wife, not his skivvy.

Nothing is going to change, sadly unless you change it this is your life for the next 40 years. You can’t give him the power to make all the families decisions.

How would you feel if you were in your mums shoes and your children were in your shoes?

I’d recommend having your child here in the U.K., then when your mum comes over get her to help you pack up your belongings and move over to be with your parents during your maternity leave. Take this time to recover and to reflect upon what a healthy balanced future looks like for yourself and your kids.

OP, it sounds like your mum is stuck in valuing herself based on how well she looks after a man. Whether she intends to or not, when she comes and stays and cooks fancy meals, she’s using you as a benchmark to make herself look better. She has her own things to unravel there.

Please try to help her understand before she comes to stay that by cooking like that she’s reinforcing your husbands idea that you’re not good enough, strengthening his grounds for bullying you, and she just can’t do it. If she’s coming to help you it must be you (and the children) that she helps. And not reinforce the idea that there’s a women’s role that you should be fulfilling.

Maybe she could offer him cooking lessons if she really wants to help??

@ihavenamexhanedtoday if someone always makes you feel incompetent is that what you want for the rest of your life? If you can't rely on a partner to pull their weight when you're sick and/or tired, that's pretty miserable.

What if he starts treating his kids the same as if they're inferior to his needs?

Wow, does he realise how hard both your lives will be when baby arrives! Good luck! Youre crazy having another one so soon with this man!

Abusive men think women are for CFCs. Cleaning, fucking and cooking. We aren't human, have no needs worth meeting and no intrinsic value.

He understands perfectly well your viewpoint he just doesn't want to change because you are for CFCs. They might lie and say well if you did more fucking I'd clean more etc but it's all manipulation because you have no worth they don't need to feel guilty.