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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:

ForeverSingle881 · 17/02/2022 17:19

OP, so many of us here have gone through this, that’s why we’re on mumsnet, for support. He will never ever change. Ever. He fundamentally believes he is more important than you, that his needs and wants supersede yours and that you are there to serve him. It will NEVER get better.

You have two options once you recognize this 1) accept this is your life, you do 100% of everything, ignore him as much as possible and generally live your life independently of his until he leaves or, well, forever OR 2) leave him and cut out some of the work you do every day. You already do everything, it will be easier without him.

Don’t live in hope that he will change or learn to respect you. He won’t.

ForeverSingle881 · 17/02/2022 17:21

I remember when I stopped having fights with exDH. When i was so exhausted I didn’t give a shit anymore. That’s when our relationship ended.

Sundancerintherain · 17/02/2022 17:27

Jesus Christ op, I'm a generation older than you and my DH is 20 years older than me and when I had bad sickness with DC 2 pregnancy ( NOT hyperemesis, my SIL had that, horrendous) , DH would come home from HIS long, self employed day, cook for himself with leftovers for the next day for DC1 then make me white bread and fish paste sandwiches ( literally the only food I could keep down < not envy >).
Your H is a selfish shite.

Drinkingallthewine · 17/02/2022 17:28

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

It doesn't get through anyway. I'm just disappointed.

So he IS capable of cleaning and cooking now, despite his exhaustion?

Bet that feels like shit that you had to reach the point of apathy towards him before he did what he was always capable of doing

billy1966 · 17/02/2022 17:33

He has just shown you that he is both WELL CAPABLE of pulling his weight AND that he knows he should have.

However he has deliberately chosen NOT too, despite how unwell you have been.

That is not love.
That's not even like.

He doesn't give a damn about you or your child.

Think long and hard about staying.

The best thing that you could do for yourself and your two children would be to get on that plane asap.

One way.

fuzzywuzzywombat · 17/02/2022 17:37

Does he want a stepford wife?
Tell him to jog on back to the 1950s

Lovepeaceandcoffee · 17/02/2022 17:49

He’s a narcissist. Please do some research, although I get that you don’t have a lot of time. You need support. Whatever you say to him he will not accept responsibility or accountability but just blame you. There’s no point in making him get it anymore. He gets it all right but sounds entitled. Please look after yourself and save your energy for you and the kids.

SaySomethingMan · 17/02/2022 17:50

The film Shirley Valentine came to mind reading this. You deserve better, OP. Demand it from your husband. Can you both bulk cook at the weekend do dinner only needs to be heated?

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 17/02/2022 17:56

Tell him to go take a long hard fuck to himself!! And immediately STOP making him any food whatsoever. This kind of sense of fucking male entitlement should be stamped out. 50/50 but he should be doing more for you right now. Heavily pregnant and still working and looking after a toddler!? Do not let this continue or you will have it for life. Take care of yourself ❤️

PeaceToEveryOne · 17/02/2022 17:58

I feel so bad for you, I dealt with this , with my ex.
Believe me, things won't get better, you will always be a slave to him and resentment will build.
I know it will be hard, write a letter of how things should be, and give it to him, if he doesn't change, end it with him, otherwise when you are in your fifties, you will be alone like me.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2022 18:09

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

It doesn't get through anyway. I'm just disappointed.

The thing is, you need a break. Because there are decisions you need to make and you need time and space to think things through You aren't going to get that with him anywhere near you. Unless he'd be willing to leave and go somewhere for a good length of time, the only way you're going to get what you need is to go to your Mum's.

This isn't just a problem for today or for a few months , this is the rest of your life because he is NOT going to change. Do you really want to live the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life like this?

Gillimac37 · 17/02/2022 18:10

He's never happy with what u do. So just stop doing everything for him. Tell him ur best isn't good enough, so u won't bother trying to please him anymore.
He's a big boy. He can get his own dinner. Stand up.to him and stop being pushed around.
He's totally taking the mick. How about he learns some common decency and respect.
Just stop trying to pander to his wishes. He's disrespecting you.

Darbs76 · 17/02/2022 18:12

You’re not a SAHM so I don’t see why he’s not the one making the dinner. Instead he expects a tired, sick pregnant lady to wait on him hand and foot. Why do you do it? Tell him no

HiKelsey · 17/02/2022 18:15

I'd be fuming at him. I had hyperemesis for all 9 months of my pregnancy (1st 3 months spent in and out of hospital after losing 2 stone). I worked full time too and managed to go back to work on full time hours for last 5 months but I had to take 4 different antisickness to get there. I don't think you're wrong, husband is wrong. He is there to support not to let you do it alone.

Mirw · 17/02/2022 18:15

Stopcooking and put out a loaf of bread, a pack of butter and a lump of cheese. Every day for as long as it takes.

I didn't have all what you do, but git fed up as always having to decide what we would eat. It took 10 days before he got the message but he GOT THE MESSAGE!
Occasionally it gets bad again, but a reminder of cheese sandwiches is enough.

As for the rest of his laziness, do you have a parent or a sibling to have a word about abusing their daughter/sister. Worked for a friend because the last "word" was "this is the private warning. The next one will be public and go far and wide".

ISmellBurnings · 17/02/2022 18:16

He can pull his weight. He just doesn’t want to. Or care enough. Just think about that.

Datafan55 · 17/02/2022 18:17

@Fluenty

So to confirm

You:

Don’t sleep
Care for sick toddler all night
Care for toddler all day / do pick ups and drop offs
Are growing a human
Work full time
Cook all meals

And you’re doing so with multiple health issues

Works full time
….Nothing else

To make it worse, when he gets takeaway he just gets it for himself?
and he just complains about all the things you’re doing?

And he thinks that’s ok and you’re not sure if he’s an idiot?

Tell him to go f himself

^This

What a w--ker!

goodnightgrumble · 17/02/2022 18:17

Completely unreasonable! You both work!!

UppermillSarah · 17/02/2022 18:30

what an arrogant man. I'd stop cooking for him asap

Mumontour85 · 17/02/2022 18:36

Don't want to sound mean but your husband sounds like a massive asshat. A really selfish one at that.

We have a toddler and I am twenty weeks preggers, my partner works long days then comes home and puts our son to bed (bath, book snuggles), then he comes and looks after me. I'd say we are quite equal in splitting dinner duties, a lot of the time it's who can be bothered - If neither then we always keep a stash of quick oven pizzas in the freezer!
He will run me baths, give me massages and talks to bump!
In return for him looking after me, I get up with bubba in the night, I make everyone's lunches and I deal with all the household stuff (cleaning, bills, tracking birthdays for both fams etc. Etc.)

Your husband works and comes he expecting to be treated like a queen, when actually he should be treating YOU LIKE A QUEEN.
Please don't run yourself into the ground for this chump, look after yourself. Stop making him dinner, stop asking how high. Tell him to swivel and to rub your fucking feet!!

FYI, I only work three days a week.

CountryMouse22 · 17/02/2022 18:37

Tip it into his lap if he moans.

Vynalbob · 17/02/2022 18:38

Sorry, he's a bit of a twonk
tinned curry & uncle Bens 2 min rice....
So nothing that takes more than 20 minutes..... either that or you'll have to tell him to be reasonable...... Once knew someone with the same problem... luckily she got on with her mil.... mentioned it and she sorted it.
YANBU

Madamum18 · 17/02/2022 18:38

It's funny because this definitely has a pattern. He's being so nice now and the house is spotless. I didn't even have to have a big fight. I've run out of steam to have fights and try to discuss this with him.
So clearly he has realised that he has gone too far and so is now "pacifying" you by doing all the things you want him too, helping out, tidying etc etc et!1 So he DOES know he is being a selfish git and he is also being VERY manipulative to try and get you back in line!!

I suggest marriage guidance counselling with Relate, and if he wont come go on your own. To help the two of you sort things out or to help you find a way forward for yourself. ...but I do understand you may not have the energy for that at the moment...but have it as a future plan.

Gilld69 · 17/02/2022 18:40

tomorrow I'd like you to be sat at the dinner table when he gets home with your knife and fork at the ready for when he gets home and prepares your dinner, what a gobshite he is sorry but your not living in the dark ages and you are working just as hard if not harder in my opinion, you deserve to be taken care of, tell him where to go if he thinks your here to pander to his needs

Mandyjack · 17/02/2022 18:50

If you are cooking for yourself and toddler maybe do a meal he could reheat. If he's not happy with that then he can cook for himself

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