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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

473 replies

ihavenamexhanedtoday · 15/02/2022 22:23

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

OP posts:
ISmellBurnings · 16/02/2022 13:08

It’s it’s just a meal and so easy, he can cook for himself then can’t he….

NellyDElephant · 16/02/2022 13:46

@Toanewstart23 you are quite right and will be pleased to hear I ditched ‘D’H - now ExH, after realising quite how miserable he had made me, and what I’d been putting up with for so long.

I’m now very happily settled with DP, made me realise what I’d been missing for all those years.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2022 14:05

If you stay with this man, you're going to teach your children that women are for cooking, cleaning, childcare AND working while men should allowed to go to work but other than that, do what they want, dictate the mood of the house, have women answer to them and get the deciding vote because they are inherently superior to women.

I don't know if you have boys or girls but either way, I couldn't live with leaving them with that legacy. Because the longer they witness the dynamic the more likely they'll repeat it.

And you'll end up with an adult daughter absolutely on her knees for an arsehole partner who thinks shagging her is transactional - sex for contribution to chores, or an adult son who you have to witness treating a partner the way yours treats you, all with your husband giving him a pat on the back for being such a good misogynist.

That glimpse into the future is surely enough to help you plan your exit?

CousinKrispy · 16/02/2022 14:09

I think getting space by going to your mums could be a good idea.

I found that getting out of my home without my H for a period of a good few weeks really gave me a different perspective. It reminded me that homelife doesn't need to be what mine had become, and what life could be like without the misery of having him around resenting me for never doing enough (because it was never enough).

billy1966 · 16/02/2022 14:14

OP,

While you can, assemble any photographs on your phone of bank statements, payslips, pensions, anything that you might need for a divorce.

Get these while you can, on the quiet.

He isn't going to improve, this is who he is.

Start getting organised.Flowers

appleturnovers · 16/02/2022 15:41

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

And I know what he'll say if I say I'm going to my parents.. he'll just minimise it: 'oh my god, just asking you to cook a meal. I can't believe what a big deal you're making out of just a meal.. fine, I'll just cook myself. Fine, I'll just do everything by myself. '

That's what he will do. Just minimise it all.

Well he'll soon realise it's a bit more than that when he's having to do it all himself, won't he?

Well done for not doing the dishes. If he huffs and puffs so fucking what? let him huff and puff all he likes. Just repeat to him "it's your turn". "I'm pregnant, ill and knackered, I'm going for a nap." He can huff and puff to himself in the mirror.

Susu49 · 16/02/2022 15:52

I might try and just go to my mums somehow. I really can't take it anymore. I'm just so tired and physically unwell.

I was going to sugges6 you do exactly this. Honestly, just go to your parents and stay there as long as you need.

The mental break will do you as much good as the physical and then you'll have the space to decide how you want your life to be going forward. Flowers

lockdownalli · 16/02/2022 16:06

Just wondering if OP will be able to take toddler with her to Spain if her arsehole husband objects?

AryaStarkWolf · 16/02/2022 16:12

Why the fuck are you with and having children with a man who clearly doesn't even like you or see as an equal to him. Madness

HyacynthBucket · 16/02/2022 16:23

Somehow get yourself on to a plane and go back to your parents, OP. You really do need rest and support, and tolook after your health and the baby's, and this nightmare man is not going to give it to you. As you said, stop doing things for him, and hopefully that will help you get some sleep. You will then have a bit more energy to arrange the journey but do it soon. And get money sorted before you go, because your time away will likely convince you to end the marriage. Why has a clever person like you become this sad, self-questioning doormat to a selfish bullying child of a man? You know you deserve better. Do go to your Mum. Daffodil

Saltyquiche · 16/02/2022 17:11

Go to your mums op. Take the kids

Nanny0gg · 16/02/2022 18:31

Let him minimise it.
He married you to be a live-in housekeeper and for sex. Doesn't even seem like he was bothered about children (wouldn't want you to be distracted really)

Do you remember why you married him? What was there to love at the time?

How long would you be able to stay at your mum's? Do you own your home? Will you have enough of a share to get your own place?
You CANNOT stay with this abusive man. Your life is a misery now and he will only get worse.

PLEASE make plans to leave. Loads of advice on the Relationships board. You will have a horde of women cheering you on.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 19:00

He's doing so much housework today and has cooked..

I didn't even talk to him about anything to do with last night, I don't have the energy. I've been just doing my own thing and working and talking to him normally.

But just feeling differently about him inside. I said I
might get away to my mums for a bit with toddler and he said of course if you want to get away for a bit and have a bit more company and support etc, then go. Might be good for you. He's like a little tamed cat for now.

This is the pattern here though. He said he was just tired and he's sorry. I said I don't want to discuss it again because it happens too often.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 16/02/2022 19:04

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

He's doing so much housework today and has cooked..

I didn't even talk to him about anything to do with last night, I don't have the energy. I've been just doing my own thing and working and talking to him normally.

But just feeling differently about him inside. I said I
might get away to my mums for a bit with toddler and he said of course if you want to get away for a bit and have a bit more company and support etc, then go. Might be good for you. He's like a little tamed cat for now.

This is the pattern here though. He said he was just tired and he's sorry. I said I don't want to discuss it again because it happens too often.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Do you think he's a changed man?
Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 19:11

@DrSbaitso no I don't think so.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 19:14

Do you think he might have access to your account?

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 19:20

@girlmom21

Do you think he might have access to your account?
No.

I'm financially sorted without him. All our assets are owned 50-50. We have a joint account, but neither of us have access to each other's personal account.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 19:20

@girlmom21

Do you think he might have access to your account?
OH LOL !!! You mean this account !! Omg imagine !
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/02/2022 19:21

Sorry I meant your Mumsnet account. I meant do you think he can see what you've written and has realised he's been a massive tool

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 16/02/2022 19:25

@girlmom21

Sorry I meant your Mumsnet account. I meant do you think he can see what you've written and has realised he's been a massive tool
I doubt he's that savvy and astute
OP posts:
mollyblack · 16/02/2022 19:28

FFS if he's hungry he can make himself egg on toast in under 5 mins, or he can pick up food on the way home.

He is being totally unreasonable. That said I know this thing can be hard to approach when you are feeling vulnerable.

My concern is that we are all agreeing now that he is BU. But even if you weren't pregnant, working full time, dealing with a sick toddler, it is STILL not your duty to make his dinner every night, thats when your real problems begin...

billy1966 · 16/02/2022 19:29

OP,

With abusive arseholes like your husband, they are very attuned to how downtrodden their victims are.

The minute you ignored him today and avoided him, he knew he had gone too far.

So he has to pull back because he knows you are now thinking very negatively about him and his control is slipping.

THAT is why he is suddenly doing what he knows only TOO FXXKING WELL that he should be doing.

He is an abusive character.
He doesn't love you.
He doesn't love your toddler.

He is a ME ME ME person.

All he cares about is himself and his needs.

He is a disgusting excuse of a man.

A shit husband.
A shit father.

Pack up if you can and go to your mothers.

But one way tickets.

Get photographs of shared assets.

He is scum.
That is all he will ever be.

I'm so sorry.Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2022 16:48

Yeah, he's playing Mr Nice now because he sees that his shitty behaviour has pushed you just a little too far.

I'd take advantage of this and pack up and go to Mum's. And stay there until after the birth. You said she's a 'flight away' so can you even travel to her at 8 mos? Or with Covid rules where she lives?

Thing is, you are doing it all anyway. Think about how much easier it would be to be doing it all without him breathing down your neck and then demanding that you do for him, too. How nice it would be to clean and cook (or not) to your own needs and schedule rather than having to pander to his demands.

Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 17/02/2022 17:15

@AcrossthePond55

Yeah, he's playing Mr Nice now because he sees that his shitty behaviour has pushed you just a little too far.

I'd take advantage of this and pack up and go to Mum's. And stay there until after the birth. You said she's a 'flight away' so can you even travel to her at 8 mos? Or with Covid rules where she lives?

Thing is, you are doing it all anyway. Think about how much easier it would be to be doing it all without him breathing down your neck and then demanding that you do for him, too. How nice it would be to clean and cook (or not) to your own needs and schedule rather than having to pander to his demands.

I'm right at the beginning of the 8th month. So I can still go thankfully and covid isn't an issue regarding rules. It's a very ahh short flight away, thankfully !
OP posts:
Original poster
ihavenamexhanedtoday · 17/02/2022 17:17

It's funny because this definitely has a pattern. He's being so nice now and the house is spotless. I didn't even have to have a big fight. I've run out of steam to have fights and try to discuss this with him.

It doesn't get through anyway. I'm just disappointed.

OP posts:
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