Is it me? Am I unreasonable with DH ?

[ihavenamexhanedtoday]

8 months pregnant and have a toddler at nursery.

Toddler has been sick for ages now. The last 4 nights or so, I've been up with toddler until the early hours, so getting only a few hours of sleep. Maybe 3 hours or so.

Then looking after toddler during the day. I have had a very difficult pregnancy with hyperemisis and feel sick a lot still. I also have other serious health issues, which mean I struggle physically at the best of times, but it's very hard when I am pregnant.

I'm just absolutely exhausted. DH works hard, shift type work. But seems to expect dinner when he gets home. I usually have something for him, nothing fancy. But he does complain often, like ' oh a steak ? I had steak for lunch today '... sometimes I don't have dinner for him and just get a takeaway for him.

This evening he had to wait 30 minutes for dinner to be ready and was moody about it. He also wasn't happy with what was served and it wasn't enough as well apparently.

Isn't that fucking ridiculous behaviour ? I told him that he cannot expect an a la carte menu right now and I'm doing my best. I forgot to mention I also have a full time job still from home. I also get toddler up and ready for nursery every day ( when toddler is well ) and do drop off and pick ups and sort dinner for toddler and bed time etc. As DH is at work. When toddler is unwell, I stay home.

Sorry but can he not understand that sometimes I don't have dinner ready ? I really try hard to have something available most evenings, but he always only remembers the times I don't have anything or when it's late or the same thing again etc. Isn't that just ridiculous ? Or is it understandable, as he works late etc ? He doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm trying hard. He says it's always an issue that dinner isn't available. But it's not even true.

YABU- he's out late working, so should have dinner ready

YANBU- he should cook for himself ( he does do that sometimes, but it's a massive deal and he begrudgingly does it. Like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that after a hard day at work ) he also makes a massive mess, so it's actually more work for me, because he never cleaned up properly.

Is there any benefit to your marriage? I'm sorry but I can't see one, other than you being his maid 😔

Then tell him to leave. He's got a full day to pack his things.

You're doing it all on your own anyway so you won't lose out. It'll make your life easier not cleaning up after him and pussy footing around.

OP, here's some food for thought.

Why don't you feel like you deserve better?

What's keeping you stuck in this? Is it just the exhaustion and busy-ness of dealing with toddler and difficult pregnancy, or are there other issues? Do you suffer from a sense of obligation to him maybe? Or that you feel you don't have other options? Or that this is the best you can expect in life?

I know it's hard to have time to think clearly when you're so busy working, raising a toddler, and feeling ill on top of it. But you could really benefit from thinking through some of this.

Well hugs are not going to solve the problem are they?
Just a cheap and easy way to smooth things over whilst he still doesn’t anything that could be helpful (Uber work for him))

So whats your thoughts going forward OP?
Are you actually going to stay with this dickhead or make plans to leave? Cos surely to god you dont want this life forever?

@girlmom21 I suspect that the OP has already done the talking many times.
It didn’t work before.
It’s not going to work now.

[quote TravellingFrom]@girlmom21 I suspect that the OP has already done the talking many times.
It didn’t work before.
It’s not going to work now.[/quote]
Yep - she's said as much - which is why my latest response says to tell him to leave because it'll take a whole lot of stress of her shoulders and being a single mom would actually be much easier at this point.

@nopenottodaysatan

So whats your thoughts going forward OP? Are you actually going to stay with this dickhead or make plans to leave? Cos surely to god you dont want this life forever?

He repulses me basically. I've really tried to talk to him many times. But I'm realising that he really is just selfish. It's always about him and how do please him and I'm so sick and tired of it.

For now, I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to let the dishes pile up and stop doing anything for him and stay in bed ( when I can ) and he's actually here. I haven't slept next to him in months, which is also something he's angry about. I suffer from insomnia as well and just need some time to myself at night. I think that, coupled with no sex is also why he's just so angry and frustrated with me and he takes it out on me by moaning and not doing stuff.

I think he thinks by not having sex/ sleeping next to him and not cooking for him as much as he'd like or as good as he'd like- he doesn't need to look after me. I actually think he thinks ' well fuck her, she can do her own shit. She doesn't put out or look after me, so I'm going to punish her'. I didn't really think about it like that before. I really need him now and I can see his behaviour is basically spiteful and it makes me feel sick.

I might try and just go to my mums somehow. I really can't take it anymore. I'm just so tired and physically unwell.

OP, you've had some excellent advice here and can be in no doubt that your husband is no good. He is not going to change and will subject you to a life of drudgery if you stay with him. What steps are you going to take next, to change your life?

And I know what he'll say if I say I'm going to my parents.. he'll just minimise it: 'oh my god, just asking you to cook a meal. I can't believe what a big deal you're making out of just a meal.. fine, I'll just cook myself. Fine, I'll just do everything by myself. '

That's what he will do. Just minimise it all.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

And I know what he'll say if I say I'm going to my parents.. he'll just minimise it: 'oh my god, just asking you to cook a meal. I can't believe what a big deal you're making out of just a meal.. fine, I'll just cook myself. Fine, I'll just do everything by myself. '

That's what he will do. Just minimise it all.

Op

If you’re not going to do anything for yourself
FGS do it for your children

Yes, he is incredibly selfish...and also abusive.
I think going to your mums for some respite is an excellent idea, it doent matter if he disagrees or minimises, just go. Time away with some support is the best thing for you and your children right now.

tbh If i was you i wouldn't come back....you and your children deserve so much more than this

It sounds like your marriage is over. He treats you awfully.

For context I’m 18 weeks pregnant and feeling generally fine. Regardless, my DH has taken on doing the shopping as he doesn’t want me lifting heavy bags and is doing all of the cooking. He’s also walking the dog every morning so I can have a lie in. He’s working from home today and just took a break to make me a nice breakfast as he’s worried I’m not getting enough calories. He’s happy to run to the shop whenever I feel like eating something in particular and generally being very attentive to me. And all this when I’m actually fine and not feeling too bad.

You are very far along and need help and he’s treating you like dirt. Someone that selfish will likely never change.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday don't agree with it at all, my husband is from the travelling community his mum did all the cooking cleaning etc and when we got together agreed I would do 99% with the children and the home, I don't even work Op but I am pregnant and he makes Dinner for all of us every night whilst washing the pots so all I have to do after is wash the plates!

Your DH sounds like a CF and you need to tell him straight if he starts to minimise it say you either help out or you'll happily hold the door whilst he leaves, what is he bringing to your home? A pay cheque and thats all!

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

And I know what he'll say if I say I'm going to my parents.. he'll just minimise it: 'oh my god, just asking you to cook a meal. I can't believe what a big deal you're making out of just a meal.. fine, I'll just cook myself. Fine, I'll just do everything by myself. '

That's what he will do. Just minimise it all.

And your response will be "well thank goodness for that" and walk off, then stop doing anything for him !

I think going to your Mums is a great idea. What happens if you flip it. If it's "just a meal" when you are cooking it then why is it such a big deal if he needs to do it?

When my nana was first married her husband was like this. He said 'I expect my tea on the table when I get home'. The next night he got his tea on table. Just not on a plate.

Your husband is awful OP - so sorry

Someone who's had steak for lunch doesn't need another dinner. Agree with the other posters he is a totally lazy selfish useless specimen of a human never mind a DH.

hes a cunt believe me i don't use that word lightly. you're pregnant ill and have toddler and he doesn't do a damn thing to help. what would you say to your own child if they were being abused like this. amd yes i do mean abused

just to add my d does 12 hour shifts and manage to get his own food

Bloody hell, my partner is a paramedic and works 12 hour plus shifts, he would still never expect or demand dinner when he gets home. He’s grateful when I make dinner but he would quite happily get his own food if I was tired/ill/didn’t have time to make anything.

OP YADNBU and it sounds like he is trying to gaslighting you into thinking you are the one at fault when you are already doing way more than your share. Sadly I don’t think he is likely to change his attitude. I think you need to think very carefully about where you see your future going forward.

@ihavenamexhanedtoday

And I know what he'll say if I say I'm going to my parents.. he'll just minimise it: 'oh my god, just asking you to cook a meal. I can't believe what a big deal you're making out of just a meal.. fine, I'll just cook myself. Fine, I'll just do everything by myself. '

That's what he will do. Just minimise it all.

And if he does say that, you can just laugh in his face on the way out the door.

I know you said your mum is a flight away but is there another option (e.g. if it was Spain you COULD go by train albeit it would take a while)?

If not, where are your nearest kind and supportive relatives (who wouldn't side with him) - an auntie or cousin? Close friend?

I agree with @pheonixrebirth that the goalposts will just keep moving.

My ex worked long days. It was a choice. He had a business that he ran badly, but liked the big talk of “I run my own business/am so busy, blah blah”. He used work to avoid family life and to justify not lifting a finger.

He used to complain that what I made him wasn’t enough for a “hard working man”. I remember making a lasagne from scratch one day, with twin babies crawling around my feet and a toddler in the kitchen. When he came in and ate it, he just walked off afterwards and didn’t even put his own plate in the dishwasher. I hated him by then but still also blamed myself for not being good enough.

I also grew up in house where my mother had my dads dinner on the table and made his packed lunch for him, despite working full time herself.

Near the end, I stopped. Just stopped washing his clothes, cooking for him, all of it.

It was then that I really saw his true colours, deep down I don’t think he likes women at all. The Lundy Bancroft book was an eye opener and when I read it I decided then to divorce, despite judgement from my own parents (who believe you shouldn’t end a marriage unless he hits you or cheats). It still took 18 months for me to build up to it and stick to my guns though as he initially refused to leave.

It was very hard to get him to leave and accept it was over and he showed how controlling he was afterwards, minimising his contact time with DC to make life as hard as possible for me as I was working and looking after them alone even when we were all ill etc. Think he wanted to break me as a punishment for daring to end it.

Said I shouldn’t “ask him for help” as I ended it so had made my bed and needed to lie in it.

He got himself a girlfriend very quickly though who picked up the slack on his contact time, … ‘women’s work’ after all!

I am now re-married to a wonderful man who is a great role model to my DC. He works hard but also pulls his weight at home as he is an adult. Even shares responsibility for things like taking time off when DC are ill - without a second thought. He would never leave me to struggle alone and we both support each other and share life’s responsibilities.

I remember him phoning me on the way over one evening, before we lived together, and saying “don’t bother cooking tonight (I’d said I was making us something), you’ve had a long day, I’ll pick us all up a take away” and I was astonished and thought it was an amazing thing to do 🙈 (instead of being absolutely normal!)

I have to admit, I rarely cook from scratch anymore as I’d grown to hate cooking for other people. My DH does it more than I do, and on the days he gets home earlier than me, he has already sorted out dinner for DC and sometimes has a steak ready and waiting for me when I walk in the door (and funnily enough, I do want to have sex with him, which I never did with my ex )

I also do a lot for him though. It’s even.

It doesn’t have to be like it is for you OP. But, you don’t need to make any decisions yet, you can take all the time you need to build your strength up.

Support from a caseworker dealing with emotional abuse could help you, as your DH could well become more controlling and erode your self esteem and confuse you even more, if he senses you are detaching.

@ISmellBurnings

Can we copy this, again…

I’m copying and pasting this incredible post from another thread. It cannot be repeated enough on Mumsnet. Unfortunately, I can’t recall the original author.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry

This will bells, whistles and sirens on. I really, really feel for you OP.